Hit home how differant DS is

[Lindyloo]

It really hit home to us yesterday just how differant DS is.

 

There was a tragedy at school - a little boy in DS's year (year 1) was taken ill while at school on Monday. Sadly he died suddenly on Monday night. The whole school were told in a special assembly yesterday afternoon. Apparently when they were let out at the end of the day, most of the children were visibly upset, quite a lot were crying, particulary those in year 1 that know him. My DD is very sensitive and although she did not know him she was very upset about it.

 

Luke, on the other hand, seemed totally oblivious to it all. He came skipping out just as normal, showed absolutely no sign of emotion and actually asked why his sister and one of his other year 1 friends were crying. We tried talking to him, and it would appear that although this little boy was not in Luke's class, he had been very kind to Luke a few times and played with him when he was on his own in the playground. When we asked Luke how he felt, he said it made him sad, but I honestly think he was only saying that because he thought he ought to. He showed nothing at all, and was more concerned about whether he could go on the X-Box or not. Infact we would have got more of a reaction from him if we had said he could not go on - that would have been the end of the world.

 

We keep wondering if we are reading too much in to his funny little ways, but this is probably the first time we have really been hit by his differances to other children his age. It makes me so sad, If he is devoid of emotion about something like this, what else is he missing out on ?

Edited March 15, 2006 by Lindyloo

[Paula]

He might not be devoide of emotion lindyloo,just unable to express it.

 

My sons great grandma died 3 years ago,He knew her well.At the time he was 9 years old he appeared to not give a toss it didnt effect him or so i thought.

 

Months later i was sat crying and although i didnt say anything he said are you sad over grandma

 

It was then i realised he did know what had happened he did understand but he didnt express it openly.

 

I think As and autistic people do feel deep emotions and internalize them they dont openly show stuff because the fealings are too intence and stuff.

 

<'>

 

give him a hug i bet he is upset realy but doesnt know how to express this.

Edited March 15, 2006 by Paula

[Bullet]

Internalising emotions is something that I can relate very strongly to. I find it very difficult, even impossible on a lot of occassions to say how I'm feeling or ask for help in real life.

[justamom]

Poor little lad that died, what happened??? Thats really very sad those poor parents.

 

Paula is right maybe he just can't express himself, it does knock you for 6 when you see just how different they are to their peers..

 

Not easy i know.

 

justamom

[mossgrove]

It must be a terrible time for everyone connected with this tradgedy.

 

It is possible that Luke hasn't fully taken it all in, and as he is still very young, he may well lack the theory of mind to realise why everyone is upset.

 

In terms of emotional development Luke may well be behind his peers so may well react to the news in the way that a 3 year old would, an awareness of the facts but no real understanding of what it means.

 

I think it is over-simplifying to say Luke doesn't care or doesn't have emotions. He simply can't make sense of the information in the same way as something immediate like not getting his XBOX. As other have said , he may well react differently when he has had time to process what has happened.

 

Simon

[Suze]

We had a similar tragedy at my sons school, he told all his friends "so what".......when he heard the news.My own devastation at his insensitivity took weeks to get over.It struck home to me his dx and it,s truth.Having spoken to the autism team they helped me to undestand his reaction they also said perhaps it would have been better all round if my son had been told one on one .I,m so sorry to hear of this childs death it,s terrible <'> Suzex

[on the edge]

Is your son 6? I would be surprised if any 6 year olds really understood the concept of death enough to be really upset over it. It does seem harsh, but it is very normal for all 6 year olds to take these things in their stride. My non ds neice lost her grandad at 6 (she was very attached to him) and she just stated that he was an angel now!!

[krystaltps]

We had a situation almost exactly the same. My younger son's friend died last year when they were in P1. My twins, although only 5, were very upset, and Rory (my younger son) insisted on visiting his grave with sweets once a week for quite some time (something I really didn't like letting him do, but it helped him). Callum did not react at all.... until about 6 months later, when I found him crying about it in his bed. He did the same with his Great Gran and both his hamsters, and periodically still cries about them. It depends on how stressed he is. So... you may still have it to come

[Debs]

My son (9yrs - AS) is the same, he doesn't express sadness over death or tragedy but he can over immediate things that affect him directly like his Playstation. When my father died Life went on as normal for C even though I was, understandably, devastated. He still had to have his meals on time and I had to be at his beck and call constantly - he couldn't understand that I was upset. In fact because my father was dead he stopped being C's grandad and he now just calls him "your dead dad" when we talk about him.

 

He does however get very upset at times about our dog that died 5 years ago or his goldfish that died 2 years ago, it is always at times of immense stress for him. I have wondered if he is sad over things going on his life and uses the death of his pets almost as an excuse to be able to cry.

 

Don't know if this makes sense to anyone, don't think i've explained it well.....sorry

[baddad]

Hi Lindyloo -

In a situation like this, I think it does become very apparent that our children's responses are 'different', but i don't think the reasons behind those differences are as clear cut as we sometimes think...

As others have said, Children of this age - AS or NT- do NOT have any real concept of death, loss or grief. While peers may be reacting more 'appropriately' to the loss of this child, they are in fact mirroring the emotions they are seeing around them and responding to the signals they are picking up from their significant adults... Your son's 'lack' of emotion arises not because he doesn't 'feel' but because he doesn't recognise either the cues that are prompting the other children or know intuitively the responses that those cues 'should' engender. It may seem a fine distinction, but it is a very real one...

A very 'matter of fact' response to a very emotive and distressing situation, but I hope you can find some comfort in it...

 

Love and peace

 

Baddad

[Nemesis]

Hi Lindyloo,

I've puzzled over this one and quite what it means.

Four years age my NT DD was taken seriously ill and was hospitalized for three weeks. For the first week we had no idea what was wrong and it was really scary. However, my ASD DS (then aged 11 and undiagnosed) seemed completely unconcerned although his cousins of the same age were upset - and asked their mums' if she might die.

It's interesting to read Baddad's take on this. I have found it difficult to understand this apparent indifference and TBH I'm not sure that he has strong feelings even for his dad and me. Although his AS is relatively 'mild' he just seems to exist in a little universe all of his own with him at the centre

Nemesis.

[lsw146]

I had a similar experience. I was waiting for the call to tell memy best friends Mum had died and B was having a meltdown over something really insignificant so I asked her to be quiet and think about how our friends family were feeling. She replied "at least she will be in a better place" and continued to rage about her problem!