At my wits end

[BuntyB]

Hi everyone,

I don't think I can bear another day of my daughter crying and begging me not to take her to school. Last night I was sobbing too, as she started Saturday in anticipation of Monday. It was absolutely heartbreaking hearing her.

I have been to school so many times and they make all the right noises, but inside I feel they are fobbing me off because she is the 'perfect student' at school and they do not see what she's like at home.

 

I don't know where to go from here. In some ways I wish I could just take her away from school and teach her at home, but it would mean giving up my place at Uni where I am training in Social work, hoping in less than two years I will have a decent income to give our children other things, like a holiday!

 

I know there are no easy answers, but does anybody have any suggestions as i am totally drained.

 

PS Does anybody know the link to the NAS acknowledgement that many children meltdown at home from the stress at school- I can't find it.

[neda]

Shona, sorry to hear things are so bad for you. Sending you lots of these <'> <'> <'>. I'm sure someone whose been here before will be along with some advice for you. Take care

[Kathryn]

Hi Shona,

 

This is from the NAS information sheet: "A school's guide to Asperger Syndrome".

 

 

"He behaves OK at school, but at home he is a nightmare"

 

This is a common occurrence and is rarely the result of poor parenting.

 

The over-riding physical state for most people with Asperger syndrome is anxiety. This anxiety is a result of trying to constantly keep up with teachers' demands as well as other pupils jokes and conversation.

 

It can be difficult for people who have not come across Asperger syndrome before, to appreciate the level of anxiety especially as many pupils have learnt to develop a superficial veneer of coping - appearing to 'fit in' socially in order to avoid being labelled odd and because many pupils with the diagnosis are keeping up with school work.

 

However many pupils explain that by the time they get home they are feeling stressed, angry and worn out. These true feelings inevitably come out when they are at home and they can vent their frustrations in safety.

 

It's so wearying when your child dreads school so much. I really do sympathise, having been though a similar experience. <'> <'>

 

K x

[curra]

Shona.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your problems. How old is your daughter? I went through a very similar experience with my son (12), good student, good behaviour and meltdowns at home because he refused to go to school. I asked him to tell me exactly what he dreaded so much if he wanted me to help him and he told me how he was being bullied even in front of the teachers who didn't notice anything. I wrote a letter to the school with all the details, how he was feeling, what he said etc and informed them that I would not be sending him to school for "a few days" (it was a week in total) until my son felt sure that he would be safe. I too him to the GP to have some evidence . It worked well, the issue was taken seriously and things improved (not completely but he goes to school without a fight now). If your daughter's school know about her AS they have to listen to you and look for a solution with you. Don't accept it as just a problem at home, after all she's happy at home and she doesn't want to go to school so it's obvious that the problem is there. If they don't know about her AS or are denying that she has AS, it would be important to take her to the GP and ask for a note for the school. My GP and paed have been very helpful and without them I think the school would have ignored me competely. Try not to give up your training. Your daughter may be having a problem that can be sorted out . If she's a good student, then the difficulty she's experiencing could be of a social nature, like it was with my son.

 

Good luck

 

<'>

Curra

[adamsmum]

This sounds a bit like my boy. It can be hard on the whole family. I hope you can sort things out. Alison

[nellie]

Shona,

 

Further evidence.

 

Taken from: Meeting the Needs of Children with Autistic Spectrum Disorders

By Rita Jordan and Glenys Jones

 

When life at school and home is going well for the pupil, and parents and staff are receiving positive reports from each other, it is likely that parent-staff relationships will be easy to develop and maintain. However, both staff and parents need to prepare for times when the child's behaviour or performance might be viewed as a problem either at home or at school. Staff-parent relationships might then be more difficult. It is possible, for example, for each to blame the other for something they are doing or not doing with the pupil. It is important in these instances to gather information on the nature of the problem and on the factors which might be contributing to this at home and school. It can be easy to take the quick route and guess what the cause might be, without making adequate enquiries and getting clear, factual information from all involved. Engaging in speculation is not helpful and is likely to lead to the apportioning of blame and ineffective solutions. This is particularly true when the child's behaviour appears to be very different at home from his or her behaviour at school. Pupils may pose no major behaviour problems to staff and be very undemanding and well behaved in school. When they arrive home, however, they may engage in challenging behaviour towards their brothers, sisters or their parents. It seems as if the pupil manages to contain all the anxieties and difficulties experienced at school and releases these on returning home.

For some children, the reverse scenario is true, particularly when the child first starts attending school. The child may be relatively easy to manage at home, perhaps because the environment is faily constant and familiar and there are few demands to be sociable or to engage in tasks which are not interesting to them. In school, they find themselves in what is to them a noisy, confusing, social environment where people attempt to communicate with them in ways which they often do not understand. In additon, they are encouraged to engage in tasks which may hold little interest or meaning for them. Their reaction is to try to sabotage the activity or to escape or to do nothing, all of which challenge the teaching staff. When parents and staff hear very different accounts about the same child, they may find it hard to believe or they can be quick to blame the other. It is important to acknowledge that very diffferent behaviour at home and school is a phenomenon found in some children with ASD (as it can be in others).

 

Further infomation on this subject.

 

' Be aware of two characters' is on page 39 of Tony Attood's book - A guide for Parents and Professionals.

 

Be aware of two characters

 

The child may be very conscious of the necessity to follow the codes of conduct in the classroom and to try to be inconspicious and behave lid the other children. This pressure to conform and retain self control can lead to enormous emotional tension, which, like a compressed spring, is released when the child reaches home. Here the child is a different character, almost a Jekyll and Hyde. This is a feature of some children with Asperger syndrome and not necessarily an indication of the parents being unable to manage their child. It will help for the classroom teacher to have a range of relaxing or solitary activities for the child just before they return home. Parents may also consider a period of relaxation or energetic activities when the child comes home to dissolve their tension from a long day at school.

[Bullet]

This is just going from my own school days, but I think there is a common mistake by teachers to presume that because a pupil is not yelling or screaming or arguing, or doing anything to draw attention to themselves, that everything is fine. It's not. I could not handle the social side of school, I could not handle the bullying and so I became very very withdrawn. On the surface I appeared to be a model pupil. The fact that I spent whole lunchtimes sat staring into space at my desk, rarely asked the teacher for help with my lessons even when I was struggling with them and couldn't join in with hardly any conversations should have alerted to them to something more being up.

[Mother in Need]

Shona,

 

Have lots of these <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

I know how you're feeling, have had a big struggle with the very same problem since he started secondary last year, the only difference is because he's ODD as well he was extremely difficult at home and I simply couldn't physically drag him to school. It took him spending 6 weeks in a psychiatric day unit, and then another two months for their report to come out, in which they clearly explained the link of stress from school affecting him and expressing it at home, for them to listen...

 

Unfortunately, you're not alone.

[mum22boys]

Hi Shona,

 

You will also find info in Tony Attwoods book on aspergers that talks about the child being a Jekyill and hyde character. Coping at school and releasing it when with the parents. i actually copied it for m's school after I was having the same problems, still do actually.

 

Not sure how grateful I should be but in the last week M has been having lots of outbursts at school so now they are starting to understand! I wanted it to happen in a strange sadistic sort of way!! but now it is happening i am worried. He has never before shown it at school although i kept warning them the time would come. How old is your daughter? Perhaps the time will come when she can no longer contain it either.

 

Hope things are better today. <'> I know how bad it is when they are crying and anxious about school and all school say is' well he appears to be coping!'

 

mum22boys

 

p.s sorry just scrolled down and saw nellie had recomended the same section of the book!