Friendship problems

[BuntyB]

Hi everyone,

This area is a newbie for us.

Because L had such a problem with frindships, two years ago she was deliberately put with a child who had shown some kindness towards her. It is on her IEP that this friendship was to be encouraged, that they should sit together, and when they changed classes, should go together.

 

This worked very well, however, L decided recently of her own chooosing (without even mentioning it to me) to join a lunch-time drama group where she made a new friend. I only found out when another mother started to talk to me about some things we had in common. I was surprised since i didn't know this woman, but she told me her daughter had been chatting with L (pleasantly surprised- chatting???!!!)

 

Anyway, L was invited for tea for the first time ever at 10. She was very anxious, but since they live only a couple of minutes away, she was reassured we could collect her if she wasn't happy. It went really well.

 

Now the first 'friend' is extremely jealous that L is expanding her friendships. She and some other children in the class are making out she is disloyal and are putting her under pressure to break off the new friendship. This is causing a great deal of anxiety. L says she would like them all to be friends, but this child can't accept this.

 

I have explained to L that she is probably frightened of losing her and to keep being friendly to both in the hope she'll come round, but L now says she is frightened of what she might do.

 

I have spoken to the class teacher who said she was aware of it, nodded about 'three is a crowd' and girls are like that, and asked me what I expected her to do about it?

 

Is it just me, or would you think there could be a bit more support for her? I know kids have their fall-outs etc as they learn about relationships but all this is a new experience for her. I don't think she can share my pride that L has made the step to find a friend of her own, and how much anxiety this pressure is causing for her. This problem dominated the whole weekend, but i think the school think I am making a fuss about kid's stuff.

[CarerQuie]

These sort of issues can be hard to sort out.My daughter was involved in a 'three' all the way through Primary School.There never seemed to be a particular answer.

 

I'm not saying that to discourage you-but what strategies do you think the Teacher can put into place?

 

On a positive note,your daughter has made a new friend but perhaps her existing friend also finds it hard to make friends?xx

[Suze]

Although this is quite a common girl thing, I think because of your daughters circumstances they perhaps need to instigate a " circle time".........discussion and go over how it is O.K. and healthy to have a few friends and not be attached to one group all the time.

[phasmid]

All boy's house here so ths is not from experience but why not invite them both round to yours for tea at the same time. Perhaps the three of them can become friends so 'old friend' does not feel sidelined? Just a thought.

[witsend]

Hiya Shona, how lovely your daughter has made a freind and gone to tea. I don't think it's just a girl thing mine are boys but we've had similar stuff to this too. Think Phasmid has a good point about inviting them both over, or perhaps you could invite them both over on seperate nights so your daughter can have one to one time with them both on differant occasions, and then the other two girls might not feel so so competitive?

Just wondering why the first freind has never invited your daughter for tea before? Or is it that your daughter didn't want to go? There's a lot to be said for kids whose parents are understanding - so the new freindship bodes well.

Good luck with it all

Luv Witsend.

[oracle]

The important thing here is that Sona has developed a friendship of her own Just because she has AS does not mean she just has to accept the friends that she is given does it? I understand that this was done for all of the right reasons and I would say it has worked and given Shona the confidence to try out her skills. Sadly the other child feels left out which again is understandable so it's a difficult nut to crack.

 

I wonder if it was explained to the other child that because she has been such a brilliant friend to Shona that she has helped Shona to make a new friend. Maybe the girls ego could be given a boost if she realised how much she has been appreciated? This may sound a bit OTT and I have three boys myself and no girls. BUT I have 20 years of running a drama group where 95% of those attending were all girls and they pretty much can be little cats when they want to be.

 

Are the other children aware that Shona has AS because maybe they could now be told what a big deal this is and how they should all be happy that they have helped. Again a bit OTT - but if it works?

 

It's just some thoughts.

 

Carole

[BuntyB]

Thanks- I think praising the children is an excellent idea!

 

I am not sure who knows about Lucy's AS (I'm Shona, lol), the children who sat with her last year all read a book I bought called 'Can I tell you about Asperger Syndrome' I originally bought it for the teacher who I believed secretly thought I had made it up but it was aimed at children her age and she was happy to pass it round her table. Lucy has since changed classes.

 

The new friend either didn't know or didn't tell her mother, as she was very surpried it was her first tea invitation. I did explain to her mother that she might be anxious and why, but needn't have worried.

 

I asked Lucy last night if she'd like a friendship party and invite both girls over. She liked this idea but asked if they could go to the pictures cos our house is too messy hmm!

 

I am seeing the new head today. Her son has AS, so hopefully she will be understanding of the situation. But I will suggest this as I think it's very positive. I too think it's something to celebrate. She also took two little pressies in to demonstrate that she wants to stay friendly with both girls.

Edited April 4, 2006 by Shona