Giving up on things

[lancelot]

I wonder if anyone else's child seems to want to do less and less as they get older?

 

C used to have swimming lessons -- couldn't cope once his friend changed groups, and couldn't swim well enough to move with her.

 

He used to have piano lessons -- he is very musical, and we tried three teachers, including one with an autistic child of her own. She gave up the struggle after four lessons, the next refused to teach him after one trial session, but the third seemed great, and he made rapid progress. Then after about 9 months he stopped coping. Went from reasonable behaviour to headbanging on the piano, hiding inside his coat, etc. He was too distressed in the end to go at all (though the teacher, bless her, says she'll be there if he wants her).

 

Now he is flatly refusing to go to the local youth club set up specifically for Aspergers children. Again, he's so distressed that I don't think I can force him. But I know it will be all the harder to go back next week if the routine slips, and if he can't cope there, where can he cope? Hard to get to the bottom of it when all he'll say (on rising note of hysteria) is I don't want to go, I don't want to go, I don't want to go.

 

I'll let him calm down and then try to discuss it, but I feel he's closing down options all the time.

 

Sigh,

L

 

Oh, and middle son is refusing to go to Beavers on the grounds that he'll 'probably get in trouble and be expelled' (would it occur to him to behave, and NOT be expelled? No); and littl'un says she doesn't want to go to Playgroup any more...

 

I blame the parents

 

Edited to add: he's calmed down a bit, and said he doesn't have friends there and there's nowhere to run around, and (this bit was hard) 'If that's what kids with Aspergers get like then I'm not going because I don't want to be one.' Oh help.

Edited May 4, 2006 by lancelot

[curra]

Lancelot,

 

Same thing here. M gave up cubs, cadets, piano and swimming lessons, one by one. He doesn't like his Aspergers group because "nobody talks". Things were much easier for him and for me when he was younger . I have no advice for this, but I just wanted tol send you

 

lots of <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

Curra

[lancelot]

Thanks for that Curra. Sometimes it just helps to know he's not the only one.

 

I really felt for him when he said that he'd tried all the things he could think of for making friends -- he'd asked to join in, tried to sound interested in what people were doing and listened to what other boys were saying, and 'they were just horrible to me anyway, Mummy.'

[must say, though, that I'm proud -- and startled -- that he could think of that many ways of trying to start a conversation.]

 

I'm afraid that instead of boosting his self-esteem it may have sunk it further, as he doesn't want to be 'one of them'.

[jb1964]

Hi Curra/Lancelot,

 

Feel so much for your little boy - it is so hard for them.

 

My daughter (12yrs) - tried everything too when she was little, brownies, youth club, karate, etc and only lasted a few weeks each time - she really wanted to try and fit in and have friends but just couldn't cope with it. Now she does absolutely nothing - she doesn't go anywhere or want to go - she prefers to sit in her bedroom day in day out night in night out - just on her PC, DS or PS2/Xbox whatever - or will watch TV/DVD or read.

 

I worry so much about her - but on the very odd occasion where someone has called for her and she's gone out - she may come home and will have had a great time (but this probably only happens once every couple of months) - and for the next 3 or 4 weeks she will become very sad and depressed - almost as though by going out and being with people her own age she is becoming more aware at how different she is - I don't know whether this is how she feels because she can't communicate her emotions or feelings very well - but it definitely appears that way.

 

Take care and good luck,

Jb

Edited May 4, 2006 by jb1964

[curra]

It's just so hard for our children when they want to have friends and can't follow the rules the other kids play. I try to talk a lot with my son about the things that he likes to support him since he says that his peers don't understand him. I had a nephew who had AS (sadly he passed away some years ago) who was able to make good friends when he was 16 or 17 but not before that age.

 

<'>

Curra

[jb1964]

It's just so hard for our children when they want to have friends and can't follow the rules the other kids play. I try to talk a lot with my son about the things that he likes to support him since he says that his peers don't understand him. I had a nephew who had AS (sadly he passed away some years ago) who was able to make good friends when he was 16 or 17 but not before that age.

 

<'>

Curra

 

I guess we've still got 4 or 5 yrs to go then (fingers and toes crossed). Does he have anyone a little bit older who has patience and understanding (family or friend etc) - one of our friends have a son who's 18 but loves the PC and games consoles and she really gets on well with him because she loves all those things - he's extremely patient with her and doesn't care that she's only 12yrs old (to be honest I've always thought he is very similar to my daughter in that material things or trends, peer pressure doesn't matter to him, but has much better communication skills) but unfortunately she only sees him a couple of times during the year.

 

Take care,

Jb

[lotty]

we seem to stay in all the time now, when the boys were about 4 and 5 it was alright to do things with them, now they are so routine bound at home they become very difficult if we do anything else.

[Guest hallyscomet]

Keep strong Lancelot <'>

 

Some one once said to me let the child lead the way, when they are ready they will do things in their own time, and I believe this is true. It saves us a lot of grief.

 

All will work out be positive and always help.

 

Trust.

 

H. <'>