Teasing and Anger Management

[KarenT]

J had another incident of 'wind him up and watch him go' yesterday at school, they're becoming increasingly regular.

 

He just can't handle teasing, even at a very low level. He always over-reacts instantly and begins karate-kicking all and sundry (surprisingly, teachers never seem to be around when this happens - go figure) and will get himself into trouble.

 

I've spoken to him about it repeatedly and tried to advise him on more appropriate responses but it's not getting through - he always thinks aggression is the answer. I'm now thinking of doing some role-play with him on this but not sure how to go about it. It all feels so negative as his responses are always the wrong thing to do, and I feel like I'm putting him down all the time if I suggest a better approach - he takes these things very personally.

 

So, how about you lot? Have you done any anger management stuff with your children? How have you gone about it? Can you recommend any reading or strategies I should look at? Bear in mind, we have NO professionals involved with J and so I can't contact anyone on that level for advice.

 

Ta again.

 

Karen

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[Zemanski]

no professionals?

 

I think you need to get someone who understands on board - both to help him with strategies and to get the school to recognise the problem and deal with it, ask your GP for a referral to CAMHS if your son is not already under them.

 

also if you do a google search on bullying it will give you support groups that may help - kidscape and bullying online are both good

 

good luck

 

Zemanski

[Elanor]

Hi

 

I agree entirely with Zemanski - you should not be alone in dealing with this, and the referral is the the right route into the NHS.

 

However, the school should be doing something now - its easy for the school only to see (and punish) your son's reactions, and not the bullying that preceeds it. I'd suggest that you write to them in detail as soon as you can - perhaps over the coming week you could get some specific examples of the teasing/bullying problem? Over-reaction to teasing is common in children with ASD, and needs to be recognised by the school. It might be appropriate to involve an educational psychologist - although the school might resist this, and you'll have to push.

 

A good book on anger in children with ASD is Asperger Syndrome and Difficult Moments: Practical Solutions for Tantrums, Rage and Meltdown by Brenda Smith Myles and Jack Southwick.

 

Take care

 

Elanor

[KarenT]

Thanks - I've got the 'Difficult Moments' book but had temporarily forgotten that it's the ideal resource. Will begin re-reading asap!

 

As for CAMHS... oh dear, we had a hell of a time with CAMHS. It was they who told us at the beginning of the year that we should stop explaining to J and punish everything he did wrong by putting him on the naughty chair, despite our telling them that punishment never works with J. You can imagine the damage that did. They absolutely refused to accept the emotional and social problems that were identified in last year's assessment or that J had any autistic characteristics whatsoever, he was perfectly normal and that's how they'd advise me (and school) to treat him. The paediatrician at the centre of the assessment actually used the phrase 'not normal' when describing him, knowing my preference for straight-talk (I know it's not PC but it does put things into perspective), yet only a few weeks later that opinion was being disregarded. We were told that even without a dx the assessment had highlighted obvious problems and that the nursing team would help us work on them, but punishment was their only approach and we couldn't cooperate with it knowing how much damage it was doing to J.

 

There were numerous other issues with CAMHS - failure to return phone calls, nobody to contact for advice, poor information sharing and admin, and what advice they did give failed to recognise J's difficulties as genuine and assumed the '###### parent' angle. After the fiasco with the mental health nurse who advocated constant punishment we said we didn't want her involvement any more, so J was discharged from the clinic completely and we've seen nobody since that decision in March.

 

Other professionals who were involved in the assessment are no longer at the department - the paed had apparently been on secondment to our area and left shortly after the assessment was completed, the psychologist a couple of months earlier. We weren't informed of either of these changes and neither professional was replaced.

 

As you might have read on other threads, we're now waiting for an appointment for a second opinion assessment with a local ASD specialist. Obviously I'm hoping that they can help with the ongoing issues that J has but until then we can't leave them unaddressed and have to help him the best way we can. I appreciate that I'm not qualified to do this but somebody's got to try something.

 

School are getting better. The Head is beginning to realise the extent that stress plays a part in J's problems and is willing to listen and learn from our experiences as parents. However, class teachers are a different matter and assume that when J quietens down after an incident that he's settled and it's blown over. I tried to explain to one of them yesterday that J won't come down until he's had an opportunity to talk the incident through until it makes sense in his own head but she clearly thought he had me wrapped round his finger. I'm biding my time with school because until I have a formal dx I'm likely to be regarded as just another over-indulgent neurotic parent - hopefully by the time he goes back in September we'll be closer to having something on paper.

 

Thanks for your replies, much appreciated.

 

Karen

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[Zemanski]

glad you're going for the second opinion, sounds like you've had a very rough ride with this - can you ring them and ask if the referral can be moved up as he's in difficulty/crisis, I've done this before and it usually brings appointments a little closer.

 

Zemanski

[curra]

Hi Karen,

 

It seems that we're on the same boat.

M can't handle teasing and bullying anymore, he's in a really desperate state, trying hard to control himself at school to avoid more exclusions each time he's been provoked , then he gets back home and hell breaks loose. He says he can't control himself at the moment (he lashes out at me) but the counsellor at CAHMS says "yes he can" and expects me to punish him more. M feels nobody understandes him, his self-esteem and behaviour are getting worse. I have been told that there's a therapy called "mindfulness" for teenagers that has good results with Aspergers. I haven't been able to find out much about it yet and I don't know if it could go through the NHS, but perhaps you can ask about it in your area. I don't think that I will continue taking my son to CAHMS as I think the apprach has failed and they don't recognise his difficulties as genuinely caused by his AS but just naughtiness. Then I'll be again on my own giving him support and guidance. I'm sorry I have no better ideas. Perhaps someone else can come up with something. Second opinions are very useful, go for it!

 

Curra <'>

[Karen A]

Just wanted to say if he is being provoked ASD Dx or not then school need to deal with those creating the problem its not your job to deal with outburts that result from being wound up.A similar thing happened with Ben some children think its a good way to pass the time especially when they get such a dramatic response but it is still wrong.Karen

[KarenT]

Hi Karen,

 

It seems that we're on the same boat.

Funny thing about CAMHS, some people swear by them and others swear at them! Yours and our sound like the same stamp so I guess we're best off without them, but there are times when you feel you need a trained professional to guide you and it's a worrying feeling to be left fending for yourself. It would be so easy to get it wrong.

 

I've tried to bring the appointment forward but no joy. Last time I emailed I was told that they're still running to schedule so we should be seen July/August.

 

Thanks for all your responses, very helpful.

 

Karen

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[Hayden]

im 18 and still have anger management issues. it wont go away until a professional gets involved... i am a lot better now than i used to be!!