Not dealing with my son

[Eva]

Hi everyone,

 

I need some help with my son. He's 5 and a half and goes to kinder. Sometimes he's delightful to be around and sometimes he's a total monster. When he's in a monster phase life here is awful .

 

He is really difficult to discipline and this is becoming an issue in our house. The moment we tell J off about something, he becomes upset with US and starts getting all teary and demand that WE say sorry because we didn't (or mostly me) use a happy tone of tone voice . It's very hard to tell someone what they're doing wrong and the right thing to do in a sweet tone of voice, believe me. Also, we are not allowed to look angry either, so despite the fact that J has deliberately done something wrong, such as hit his brother or destroy something, he's become totally unaccountable for his actions.

 

Does anyone have a discipline method that works? I've also been thinking of doing more social stories too - does anyone have one for anger management and another one about getting into trouble and repercussions?

 

I never know what's just 5 year old behaviour and what's AS behaviour.

 

Oh well, thanks for any ideas!!

 

Eva

[Emum]

There's a lovely little picture book which I use as a social story called "I feel angry" which you can get from Amazon. It is part of a series, which includes "I feel sad/jealous/frightened" and they are all excellent. The other series I like and use a lot with my 5 year old are "Hands are not for hitting" and "Teeth are not for biting" and "Feet are not for kicking".

 

The reason I like all these book is that they are very positive. They focus on what you should do in these circumstances, not what you shouldn't do. My little girl finds them very calming, even if she is very wound up.

[caren]

Emum they sound brilliant

 

 

eva my son is the same too and any slight change in tone can bring on a total hystrical child he's 6 and tells us he does'nt like us if we change the tone or even pull a face to say thats wrong , so think i will seek out these books too

[Eva]

Thanks for those suggestions, I'm going to find those books! J does need some calming techniques. One minute he can be happy and laughing and the next minute if something goes wrong, such as a toy falling down, he snaps and becomes really mad.

 

Cheers,

Eva

[xevex]

Hiya Eva,

 

My son is now 14yrs and was similar to your son at that age, one method I found helpful with inappropriate behaviour was to distract him then wait till he was calmer to discuss such issues, then remind him gently about it. I know through experience that the more fuss I made of my sons behaviour the more stressed he got, resulting in horrid tantrums from him. Be consistent . If my son was confused about different tones and facial expressions I used to explain about them, reassure him your not annoyed angry etc with him its his inappropriate behaviour. To this day I'm still learning about my son and his ways. I do hope this is of some help I know it can be tough. Also you could try camomile in his bath, or if he would drink it some herbal drinks.

Take care

Eve

[BuntyB]

My kids are a bit older, but still think we are being nasty or we don't like them if we use an angry tone.

It might help in terms of thinking that you are teaching how to behave, rather than trying to stop bad behaviour (the word discipline means teach)

 

If your child is hitting his brother, the response could be 'don't hit your brother', but it could be if you see what's causing the anger and frustration, eg who gets a toy, that you focus on 'share nicely with your brother' so he knows what you want from him. At this age you might need to help- 'you have it for 2 minutes, then let your brother have a turn.' You can say this in a nice voice because you are teaching him a skill. If they manage to do that, go overboard on nice comments of how proud you are he is learning to share. Don't miss an opportunity to praise the times he does do what you want. (have you seen the programme 'Driving mum and dad mad'?- they use the same sort of technique to modify the parents behavior which changes how the kids react)

 

My youngest daughter is 6 and NT and responds well to this. In fact she follows me around now looking for things to do to please me and long may it last!

[Eva]

Thanks Eve and Shona for your suggestions, they came in handy just yesterday actually!

 

I think the main problem I'm having is that J has started hitting me. What happens is that I'll tell him not to do something, or I'll tell him something that he doesn't want to do or hear, he snaps and gets very angry and hits me. Then I tell him hands are not for hitting etc but by this stage he's on the ground sobbing, demanding that I say sorry.

 

I've written out a social story so hopefully that might help. I did say in it that if he feels angry he can stamp his feet and yell or take deep breaths instead of hitting - hopefully he won't try doing those things all at once...is there anything else I can tell him to do which have worked with other children?

 

Cheers,

Eva