i'm failing my son

[linss]

There's an area that i know i'm failing my son and i feel so incredibly bad that in this area i'm weak and letting him down.

He's seven and very sociable but when he mixes with other children it's only a matter of minutes before some sort of trouble starts.He wants so much to play with them and i watch them start off having fun then as my son gets engrossed in the game they start to look at him oddly , i see them loose interest or disagree with the game and my son is just clueless bless him he just gets more and more desperate to play with them and then cross words will start and he gets cross and insulting and they leave .

 

Today we went to a pub which turned out to have an indoor play area it was not an ideal environment for him at all ,the end of the day ,a small space ,too many kids,and i would have avoided it but he was in there like a shot yet only five minutes passed before a child came out crying because some boy had hit her - i knew it would be him - and it was.

I'm not being negative it just so often is.

 

I understand it's part of his AS and i feel upset for him and wish he didn't have to go through these things.

and what makes me feel so bad is that when he gets in trouble i get cross with him ,

my anger stops me from dealing with the situation in a way that would support him and help him learn from it . i know i don't do anything really wrong and my support of him and drive is 100% but in this area i'm failing him and it hurts.

Part of my anger comes from not wanting to always have to stand out i don't like confrontation and am a real pacemaker so when he causes trouble it really goes against my comfort zone. We can never just blend in.

I want to overcome this weakness , i want to be strong to help him this is the area i find hardest

[Bagpuss]

<'> <'> <'> Our dd went thru something similar, in that she began hitting children in pushchairs. It came out of nowhere (from what we could understand) and lead to an awful confrontation at a Wacky Warehouse, when she darted past up, we leap up, and before we could stop her she'd hit a newborn baby I'm not condoning what she did, the baby didn't flinch, so can only assume it wasn't a hard thump. We immediately apologised, and the parents went bananas. Absolutely nuts. They began shoutiing abuse, the dad wanted to have a fight with my dh, the mum was shouting that children like our dd shouldn't be allowed out. DH and I felt totally intimidated, and afterwards really regretted how we'd dealt with it. Felt we backed down thru sheer embarrassment, and felt so angry and quite resentful of dd, which we also regretted afterwards. Oh, it was awful. I went home and sobbed, and for sometime afterwards didn't take our dd out to anywhere which would have a child in a pram or pushchair, so can understand how you must be feeling. Our dd's school worked so hard with her re this, and eventually it stopped. Could you try social story with your ds? Or allow him to have supervised play with children? Please don't beat yourself up, I felt the same as you. Its hard when you feel all eyes are on you and your family. <'> Take care.

[curra]

]

 

Hi linss,

 

For years I tried to make my son enjoy being with other children ,I used playgrounds, theme parks, social stories, parties etc but he always reacted badly, usually hitting the younger children who were there or simply isolating himself and being rude with them. He wanted to play only on his terms and at times he was openly rude or aggresive with them.

It's a very normal reaction to be cross with a child who is aggressive to other children and I think you shouldn't feel that you are failing your son. AS children also need to learn that that kind of behaviour is not acceptable and that there are limits that they must respect. But it takes longer for them to learn that . My DS who is 13 still has these problems, although he can control himself better now. He has to be with other kids at school, and there are constant problems related to his misunderstanding them. I think his progress , which enables him to function without being aggressive, is in great part thanks to medication. He feels that he has to annoy others (children usually) and with the medication he says that the drive to annoy goes away. It could be something that you could discuss with the peadiatrician or CAMHS if the situation gets too bad.

I have also learned that the reason for his behaviour is that my son feels threatened by other children because he doesn't understand them and that's why he's aggressive with them. It's a communication problem. He couldn't express his views when he was younger, but now he says that he prefers to be alone or with adults, and that I must respect his way of thinking and feeling. For me, that has been the only real solution, to allow him to be the person that he is and to let him be happier being alone, but it has meant a lot of islolation for me.

 

Hope this helps a bit.

 

<'> Curra

[lisa35]

Hi I so feel for you, my 10 yr old is similar, u almost cringe as you know its always your child! I found a brilliant book, that if he has support at school they may be able to use, it works through exercises- but needs a small group and literally teaches them the things that we take for granted,

My sons school dont have a facility to do this, Il l try to remmeber to find title, my son does seem a bit better as got older, but not many children are tolerant of him xxx

lIsa

[linss]

It makes me feel so much better to learn there are others going through the same things.

i think social stories are a great suggestion at least i would feel like i'm doing something !

He seems contented at home playing in his room. I don't know whether it's best to keep integrating him - so he can learn through experience or to wait till he's older and more mature and therefor possibly better exquiped to manage.

[hev]

linss i know exactly how you feel,as soon as i heard another child crying i just knew it was steve involved and it was!! i used to feel awful but for years i would insist on taking him to ball parks,theme parks,you name it,looking back he couldnt cope but i think i was trying so hard for us to be family like everyone else and fit it,you are not failing,we have all been there,steve prefers to be on his own,i think it took me a long time to accept that,i just used to find it all so upsetting,take care love hev

[jlp]

I haven't any useful advice but wanted to reply that you're not alone.

 

There's so many times when my reaction to something G has done has been influenced by people wacthing. I'm trying really hard to ignore my own feelings of embarrassment but I'm not there yet.

 

Keep trying, at least you are aware and that's (hopefully for both of us) half way to solving the problem.

[curra]

It makes me feel so much better to learn there are others going through the same things.

i think social stories are a great suggestion at least i would feel like i'm doing something !

He seems contented at home playing in his room. I don't know whether it's best to keep integrating him - so he can learn through experience or to wait till he's older and more mature and therefor possibly better exquiped to manage.

 

linss,

It's not easy to find the right balance.

I think that I have to continue trying to integrate my DS as much as possible, although at the moment he is so withdrawn that he doesn't want to do anything with other people. I often wonder too what is the best thing to do. My DS 's counsellor tells me to take him to youth groups so that he learns social skills, as if it was so easy. My son hates them! On the other hand, he's so calm, happy and not aggressive when he's on his own...I don't lose hope that as he matures more he'll be more sociable.

 

Hope you find the best way for your son!

 

Curra

[lynyona]

I feel exactly the same about my ds. But unfortunately i have the same problems with him that curra as.kieran is 20 and all advice i get to help him is get him out there.easier said than done, he is quite happy on his own doing wht he wants in the home he doesnt venture out unless its on his terms he doesnt seem to need friends etc outside activities.It makes it hard sometimes not only for him but us as a family as there is no respite from him.He as 3 brothers and depends what mood he is in he gets on well with them two are older one is younger and sometimes they fight like cat and dog as they are all strong willed and will not give in to one of his arguments just to keep the peace.it can be really hard and frustrating because i know deep down he needs to get out there and learn social skills but i cannot drag him kicking and screaming.but at theend ofthe day its his choice the offers havebeen there but knocked back at every suggestion.

 

 

lynn

[lisa35]

good book- socially speaking-a pragmaticsocial skills programme for primary pupils- Alison Schroeder