Howlin Mad

HAHAHAHAHA!!! Nah, if I heard that from her I'd be very disappointed.

It's "just life." But some people, like you, like others, like us get an amplified version where the highs are higher and the lows are lower the nights are darker and days... painfully bright. I don't know if that's AS related.

I don't see anyone at the moment, and I know I need to learn how to cope. I am trying, it just takes time, and I'm not ready yet. I didn't throw the first stone. They are the last people I'd go to for help.

Beside the point. I couldn't hack high school, and my parents wouldn't let me leave, wouldn't give me help, the high school didn't give me help, and it always felt like it wasn't worth living through. To be on the other side (YAY, life is looking brighter...wait no...) and be told "No one cares about AS, and no one cares if you're 'depressed', you get the ###### on with it like everyone else." But I can't do that. I tried and I can't. I'm sorry that people have it worse and manage to get on anyway, but I can't. I need someone to hold my hand through it (in a completely non-literal way). Ugh, I feel every time I post there's "I" in it. We're not always so self-oriented, we just have so much in.. we want to scream.

I must have repeated the same five words 70 times because she simply would not let me explain something to my brother. She was shouting at me to shut up every time I tried to speak, not so pleasantly with a few more swear words, and the only reason I did was because she was close to kicking me out the house. At least she used to let me finish a sentence before telling me she hasn't a clue what I'm talking about, because she hasn't listened and I am not repeating every single thing I say just because she can't give two minutes of her time for someone else. Now if she's in any sort of bad mood, she won't let me speak at all, and I can't tell if she's in a bad mood until I've spoken to her. Considering I never spoke more than two words to her that wasn't absolutely essential until I was 17, I thought she'd be happy I now try to even initiaite conversation. Sometimes I feel she just hates me.

But adults rarely do that. They argue and shout and say horrible things and try to put other people down or get them in trouble to save their own skin/reputation/mood.

Beside the point. The exams themselves are another complication entirely. My parents must have known I was working myself stupid, but they still make me feel like ###### now. I wasn't lazy at all, I just got the wrong idea in the assignments.

...

Wicked! Just a pity a-levels are not devised around kinaesthetic learning.

I can't focus for more than ten minutes unless I'm doing something. I can't help getting bored if people are just talking at me or distracted if I'm writing notes, I learn by figuring things out myself and putting them into practice. I completely fail in written tests, and speaking tests, but I can complete practical tasks without hesitation or difficulty.

I learned to tune people out, end up staring off into space, and if I can't even do that, I get out as fast as I can. XD Recharging is sort of shutting down reality and getting lost in a book or writing or music. Or just wanting to sleeeeeeep. I wanted that last night after a failed attempt to enjoy going to this beer festival, but I ended up watching DVD's.

I can't even think to count how many times I was shouted at for being up and about. My parents tried every tactic and herbally treatment stuff under the sun, nothing worked. Then I got me nightmares and now if I ever wake up in the dark, everyone else wakes up too.

It's probably better. I don't think there's anything worse than knowing that, for whatever the reason, you can survive social situations, and ending up in a crowded place trying to make a good impression and being almost catatonic with fear. What do you consider recharging, anyway??

I always stacked hallucinations, depression, bipolar, anxiety and depersonalisation/derealisation under ASD because they are "as a result of".

Does anyone find they have to work a lot harder at some things that others find easy, taking longer to accomplish some tasks, and then get criticised for "time wasting" or not putting in enough effort?? I am constantly being told I failed my A-levels because I did not work at it. My brother failed because he didn't work, I had several folders for a single subject filled with notes, work sheets, research, information and projects, I put in so much work, but for each thing we were always told to "read around the subject" or some thing to that effect, and I did just that, all that work put into the wrong areas, and I failed the exams.