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ollrocks

14 year old son meltdowns

12 posts in this topic

hi,iam a new member and need plenty of advice,i suffer from add so please bear with me.my son has asd high funtioning autism / pda and combined with his hormones has very challenging behaviour.he has very rigid thinking and thinks he is charge and will not do any thing we ask of him,he can become very aggressive and will attack me punching and spitting and has even tried to stab me.i am a 6.2 and 16 stone ex rugby player but he is a giant 14 year old year with horrid meltdowns and very hard to handle.i have called the police once and they tried to help but they couldnt understand when they talked to him as he is lovley lad when calm.he has not showered now for two weeks and just point blank refuses,i have tried different approaches with varied results.he is a great guitaist and will only leave the house to play at music lessons or at rock school.i have reading up on natural supplements and he does take omega 3 but thinking of giving him 5 htp with b6 and vitamin c.ollie is a good lad with a good heart and i just want to help him and me and my long suffering wife who is now on the happy tablets to cope with the stress.HELP regards jon

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as your son is 14 years old which is difficult tough time/period to try and go through with raging hormones everywhere and physical ,emotional changes messing everything up completely! without adding the complication of his conditions to this situation makes an 'explosion mixture' he may need a shower timetable /rota to help prompt /remind him of what NEEDS to happen as personal hygiene issue here! most teens don't want to shower does he seem depressed to you? as anger can show itself physically but depression can be hidden lurking in background behind it as the not wanting to shower and getting aggressive /violent towards you!

 

i can empathise/sympathise and i was your son i was physically aggressive/violent police having to be called threatened my mum with kitchen knife to her throat and used have arguements over not wanting a bath /shower regularly but feels like parents moaning,nagging and feel 'what for'!

 

has your son been on any meds at all? do you your wife or your son recieve any help and support from outside services? MH services? etc

 

XKLX

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i have tried a rota but he just ripped it up so i put another one up and he did the same and told me to f off.he has suffered from panic attacks in the past but he seems ok at the moment with no depression or major problems as long as things are going his way,he is a very rigid thinker!,recently he has stopped attacking me and just smashes the house up instead.i think iam going to take him to the doctor about his hygiene as i think he will listen to him.i only want to use natural supplements and have read good thinks about 5 htp and b6 but not sure what to do for the best.we had help from a lady who has seen him in school time who is excellent but for the nhs is a waste of time.thats another story.thank you

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Ho ollrocks -

 

are these aggressive and violent behaviours new behaviours, or are they behaviours he's always enacted that have just become more problematic as he's got bigger?

If the former, you need to be thinking about the "whys", if the latter then you've probably left it a bit late in the day to be addressing them.

No matter how nice ollie is when calm or how good his heart when he's not hitting you, your wife or smashing up your home that's not the side of ollie's nature you need to be considering when he is hitting you or your wife or smashing up your home... If he rips up a rota, put up another one. If he rips that, sanction him - effectively - and put up another one. Keep doing that, over and over again, until he gets the very simple message that smashing up you, your wife, your home is not acceptable behaviour regardless of how upset he might be. Make sure the sanctions mean something to him - at fourteen the naughty step and star charts and going to cut it. If he's like most fourteen year olds the place to really hit him is TV/Internet/Games console access, but if he enjoys any outdoor activities then groundings can be effective too.

 

You're saying that at 6ft 2, 16 stone, ex rugby player etc you're struggling now. Project that four/five years into the future, when ollie's 18/19 and perhaps even bigger tougher than he is now but still with unmanageable aggression issues. I suspect happy pills won't cut it for you or the missus then. Alternatively, if these are NOT new behaviours, think back to when ollie was 7 or 8... wouldn't it have been easier then?

 

Sorry if that's not the advice you were hoping for, but in practical terms it is, IMO, the most sensible and realistic course of action you can take: ollie has no reason to stop these behaviours as long as they are being rewarded, and at the moment they are being rewarded. He needs clear boundaries, clear expectations, and clear sanctions when he crosses those boundaries or does not meet those expectations. He'll hate you for it now, and thank you for it in years to come.

 

Hope that helps

 

L&P

 

BD

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If it were me and you,ve heard good things about these meds ...give them a go ...they can,t make things any worse, as things sound pretty bad for you at the moment.The issues of violence do need addressing though and I agree with baddad ...it won,t be an easy trip but your gonna have to tackle his violence and aggression.If he is to become a decent adult he needs to know that he isn,t the one in charge and there are rules etc that need to be adherred too.Tackle the showering..if he does,nt clean himself today no guitar lesson etc until he does.I would also specify exactly what you expect from showering ....washing hair with shampoo etc , not just standing under the shower head and getting wet.I,d also impose that from the off set that he has to shower at least 2 times a week on set days or there is no guitar etc.Start as you mean to go on, don,t deviate and don,t let him negotiate, these are you rules etc, you are the adults .If your depressed its hard to be strong and I do know how your wife feels , but you need to be strong now , if he will listen respectfully when he is calm you need to explain exactly what you expect from him. Best wishes suzexx

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hi all,my son had a statement in his early years around 5 years old and had help at school and with nhs mh but after years of no progress i sent him on a private course with DORE which helped him a lot,the nhs told us he may be on the autistic spectrum and with his improvements discharged him in 2006 never giving us proper confirmation of his condition so when in january this year he started having panic attacks,due to his hormones his behaviour changed as well.we took him to the doctors who sent us to the nhs mh.imagine the shock when we sat down and the lady said its all down to his austism!.we have lost all this years and have been coping quite well till now so yes i think the same is it two late now.he is a nightmare at the moment thats why my wife is on the happy tablets to cope with the strees,i am not on any tablets and iam very strong willed and will see it through no matter what.i think you are all correct and will have to set my ground rules again and get him back into a routine when he goes back to school next week and batten down the hatches for the meltdowns some lasting 2 to 3 hours.there is one good thing he will not attack my wife as i have made it clear in no uncertain terms if he hits his mum there will be big trouble.i will take his xbox then his phone and tv/internet if he breaks the rules and thinking about i will stop taking him to judo if he does not shower as its a golden rule in judo you must be clean,i might also go the gym and build my muscles up again to my former rugby days.maybe rugby will be good for him to let out his aggression if i can get him to go but i will not take his guitars as he has paid for them himself and i dont want him to stop playing as he is a awesome guitarist.he does hate me know but like i said iam strong willed and will do what ever it takes.i have also ordered some 5 htp with b6 and vit c and will let you all know how it goes.THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.JON

one last thing he attacked me last night as i asked him to shower but today he was playing a gig and it was being recorded so i told him not to bother showering and go with his greasy hair and smelly armpits to let his band mates down and guess what yes he showered.going to have a glass of wine now before the battle commences next week.

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Hi again ollrocks -

that all sounds good - particularly the part about him showering to not let his mates down. :thumbs: That shows both a sense of personal responsibility/consideration for others as well as demonstrating to you that these are not things he 'can't help', which is hugely reassuring if you're having to up the ante re sanctions etc, because sometimes our worst enemy in following though on this can be an inappropriate sense of guilt!

 

One thing i've always been confused by is the idea that martial arts are a good thing to teach kids with anger management issues. I know the theory, that there's a lot of self-discipline etc involved too, but can't help feeling it's something of a double edged sword if you'll excuse pun. If it's now something he's into I wouldn't suggest cutting him off from it, but for others thinking about finding something for their angry kids to do to let off energy I think there are loads of other sports that might fit the bill better.

 

Also think it's a good idea to stick with the TV/X-Box etc sanctions rather than guitar if they're enough to swing it, but don't overlook the guitar as a potential 'big gun' if necessary.

 

very best with it, and hope you are making some good headway soon

 

L&P

 

BD

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Hi Jon, by the sounds of it he,s alot more able and capable than he,s letting on.If he was really totally out of control of his actions , he,d have belted his mum , just like he,s done to you.He,s also alot more self aware , as he took his shower as goodwill for his band mates.It may take a bit of a fight but if you don,t sort his aggressive behaviours out , he,ll be in prison for GBH, and unemployable.Firm and consistant and only say if if you can folllow through on it.Wishing you luck suzex

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Hi Ollrocks,

 

there is one good thing he will not attack my wife as i have made it clear in no uncertain terms if he hits his mum there will be big trouble.

 

I agree with the others, it does sound as if he has a lot of self control. If he is able to stop himself attacking your wife because there will be 'big trouble', then you need to make sure there is 'big trouble' also if he attacks yourself or trashes your home. I would sit down with him when he is calm and write out a list of rules with him and write down what are unacceptable behaviours and the consequences for him if he does any of these things. If you are paying for his guitar lessons, I would consider refusing to do so if he attacks you or damages your property. I'd also set out clearly when he needs to shower and consequences for him not doing so. Again, if he attacks you because you have asked him to stick to his schedule and shower, then I'd go on to punish him again for that also.

 

Very best of luck with your progress. Stick to your guns and it might get worse before it gets better, but if he sees that you will not step down and that you WILL carry out the consequences, then it sounds as if he will be able to alter his behaviour accordingly, from what you have said so far.

 

All the best.

 

~ Mel ~

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I haven't been on the site for a while but I'm struggling with my 14 yr old son who is really testing us at the moment. I'm at my wits end as I thought we had the bad behaviour under control or at least we were managing it better.

 

I think the return to school after the summer holidays has a part to play as does us letting his routine drop. I forgot how bad he gets when the routine is broken. I'm in for a few tough weeks, I just hope I have the strength to nip it in the bud as I've been off work with anxiety and don't feel strong enough at the moment.

 

Sorry to hijack your thread. I just wanted to let you know you're not on your own.

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hi all,my son is back at school now and we have had a good start,i ordered some 5htp with b6 and vit c and i cant believe the difference in him,thinks are not perfect but he seems a lot calmer with no meltdowns now for over a week and he has stopped smashing the house up,he attacked me once which only lasted 5 mins.i took him off the tablets for a few days to test his reactions and he got worse again so he is back on them now and he has even showered twice this week.going to the docs with him tomorrow to make sure the tablets are ok but from what i have read 5htp,b6 or b complex with magnesium are the way to go but i dont want to built anyones hopes up as you need to check things out first for yourself and as you now all autism kids have different problems.i have also found it easier to deal with him by doing something he wants as long as he does something back for me ie shower and the results are good but there is a very long way to go.some of you might thing a week is not long enough to tell but i can tell he is a lot calmer and his all round thinking is much better.will let you know how its going.thanks all jon

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