14 year old son meltdowns
Posted 31 August 2011 - 08:45 PM
Posted 31 August 2011 - 09:16 PM
i can empathise/sympathise and i was your son i was physically aggressive/violent police having to be called threatened my mum with kitchen knife to her throat and used have arguements over not wanting a bath /shower regularly but feels like parents moaning,nagging and feel 'what for'!
has your son been on any meds at all? do you your wife or your son recieve any help and support from outside services? MH services? etc
Posted 31 August 2011 - 09:36 PM
Posted 01 September 2011 - 01:09 AM
are these aggressive and violent behaviours new behaviours, or are they behaviours he's always enacted that have just become more problematic as he's got bigger?
If the former, you need to be thinking about the "whys", if the latter then you've probably left it a bit late in the day to be addressing them.
No matter how nice ollie is when calm or how good his heart when he's not hitting you, your wife or smashing up your home that's not the side of ollie's nature you need to be considering when he is hitting you or your wife or smashing up your home... If he rips up a rota, put up another one. If he rips that, sanction him - effectively - and put up another one. Keep doing that, over and over again, until he gets the very simple message that smashing up you, your wife, your home is not acceptable behaviour regardless of how upset he might be. Make sure the sanctions mean something to him - at fourteen the naughty step and star charts and going to cut it. If he's like most fourteen year olds the place to really hit him is TV/Internet/Games console access, but if he enjoys any outdoor activities then groundings can be effective too.
You're saying that at 6ft 2, 16 stone, ex rugby player etc you're struggling now. Project that four/five years into the future, when ollie's 18/19 and perhaps even bigger tougher than he is now but still with unmanageable aggression issues. I suspect happy pills won't cut it for you or the missus then. Alternatively, if these are NOT new behaviours, think back to when ollie was 7 or 8... wouldn't it have been easier then?
Sorry if that's not the advice you were hoping for, but in practical terms it is, IMO, the most sensible and realistic course of action you can take: ollie has no reason to stop these behaviours as long as they are being rewarded, and at the moment they are being rewarded. He needs clear boundaries, clear expectations, and clear sanctions when he crosses those boundaries or does not meet those expectations. He'll hate you for it now, and thank you for it in years to come.
Hope that helps
Posted 01 September 2011 - 06:53 AM
Posted 03 September 2011 - 05:19 PM
one last thing he attacked me last night as i asked him to shower but today he was playing a gig and it was being recorded so i told him not to bother showering and go with his greasy hair and smelly armpits to let his band mates down and guess what yes he showered.going to have a glass of wine now before the battle commences next week.
Posted 03 September 2011 - 06:03 PM
that all sounds good - particularly the part about him showering to not let his mates down. That shows both a sense of personal responsibility/consideration for others as well as demonstrating to you that these are not things he 'can't help', which is hugely reassuring if you're having to up the ante re sanctions etc, because sometimes our worst enemy in following though on this can be an inappropriate sense of guilt!
One thing i've always been confused by is the idea that martial arts are a good thing to teach kids with anger management issues. I know the theory, that there's a lot of self-discipline etc involved too, but can't help feeling it's something of a double edged sword if you'll excuse pun. If it's now something he's into I wouldn't suggest cutting him off from it, but for others thinking about finding something for their angry kids to do to let off energy I think there are loads of other sports that might fit the bill better.
Also think it's a good idea to stick with the TV/X-Box etc sanctions rather than guitar if they're enough to swing it, but don't overlook the guitar as a potential 'big gun' if necessary.
very best with it, and hope you are making some good headway soon
Posted 03 September 2011 - 06:03 PM
Posted 03 September 2011 - 06:13 PM
there is one good thing he will not attack my wife as i have made it clear in no uncertain terms if he hits his mum there will be big trouble.
I agree with the others, it does sound as if he has a lot of self control. If he is able to stop himself attacking your wife because there will be 'big trouble', then you need to make sure there is 'big trouble' also if he attacks yourself or trashes your home. I would sit down with him when he is calm and write out a list of rules with him and write down what are unacceptable behaviours and the consequences for him if he does any of these things. If you are paying for his guitar lessons, I would consider refusing to do so if he attacks you or damages your property. I'd also set out clearly when he needs to shower and consequences for him not doing so. Again, if he attacks you because you have asked him to stick to his schedule and shower, then I'd go on to punish him again for that also.
Very best of luck with your progress. Stick to your guns and it might get worse before it gets better, but if he sees that you will not step down and that you WILL carry out the consequences, then it sounds as if he will be able to alter his behaviour accordingly, from what you have said so far.
All the best.
~ Mel ~
Posted 06 September 2011 - 06:17 PM
I think the return to school after the summer holidays has a part to play as does us letting his routine drop. I forgot how bad he gets when the routine is broken. I'm in for a few tough weeks, I just hope I have the strength to nip it in the bud as I've been off work with anxiety and don't feel strong enough at the moment.
Sorry to hijack your thread. I just wanted to let you know you're not on your own.
Posted 13 September 2011 - 08:08 PM
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