vicbee

Hi Bluefish I am in exactly the same position as you as a single parent - desparate to go back to work. Unfortunately i dont have anyone just round the corner to look after my daughter. I dont want to go full time as it would be too much to cope with for myself and my daughter yet i was told by my benefits office i could only earn £59 before all my income changed drastically. (not many jobs around with hours of that weekly salary) I think your only option is to find work during school hours. I know its tempting to take the job because it seems perfect but its really worth waiting till the absolutely right thing comes along that will fit in with your son. It takes us so long to get things on an even keel with our kids after a bad bout and I think this would just upset the apple cart completely and make life hell for you and you would probably end up having to pack in the job anyway - causing more upset. Its so nice to hear from another single mum in the same situation. I feel desparately guilty about being on benefits - ive worked all my life since i was 13 and have spent the past 3 years as my daughter's carer as she became quite ill with an asd related eating disorder just before she was diagnosed a year ago. I hate people asking me what I do. I have decided that my only option is to stay on the benefits and volunteer at a local school in order to gain some experience in this sector which could possibly lead to a job as its my only hope of balancing home and work life in the future - by working school hours only. Id hold on and keep looking for something during term and school hours. You could end up with a job as a school cook!! Good luck!

Thank you all for your absolutely brilliant responses - especially Justine1 - your ideas are really good and I will defo put into practice. I know I sound lucky to have someone to look after her now and again but I am a single mum dealing with her on my own 24/7 and I am so grateful to have a mum who recognises my needs. She is my rock and I count my blessings every day because without her - I too would never have any respite. Unfortunately my mum takes my daughters ways very personally and I dont always empathise because I have really become hardened to the way she is with me so much so that I very rarely tune into any other emotions. I guess it has been a coping mechanism to help me deal with her on my own - by switching off my emotions so that they dont get hurt by her because I know she cant help it. That aside - I would rather have the cat in our lives that out of it. She is very much a comfort thing to my daughter but I also think it is another element of control for her - ie she can (almost) control the cat and also uses the cat to control the situation. Just another one of those problems that we hit every day I guess. If its not one thing - it will be another!!! I guess Im lucky my daughter obsesses over the cat - my friend's 16 year old autie daughter obsesses over boys - and I mean OBSESSES!!! Her worries are more about her daughter getting pregnant...!! Im sure that will be heading my way in a few years too!!

I recently put a lot of time and effort into deciding whether we could have a pet in our household and we came to the decision that it would benefit our household and I was 100% sure about the breed of cat we got and how it would fit in with my daughter's difficulties. We purchased an Oriental Shorthair which is bred from the Siamese and I chose this breed because they are very dog like, they like a lot of fuss and dont mind being handled - which would be perfect for my daughter as she likes being hands on. 3 months now, we have had our little Cocoa and she is an absolute pleasure and really has brightened our household and my daughter really loves her and takes care of her....HOWEVER...she has integrated Cocoa into her 'routine' but to a point where it is causing problems. She takes Cocoa up to bed with her for half an hour until it is light out time. I have to 'pick Cocoa up' from my daughter's bedroom at 9pm. My daughter normally goes to her nannas every other weekend so that I can have a break but we have had huge problems with this lately - her not wanting to go because she doesnt want to leave the cat. I was supposed to go away for 2 days and my daughter was going to stay with her nanna and the cat was to be looked in on twice a day by my neighbour. My daughter went into complete psycho mode about a week before I was to go away and after many days of agressive behaviour I figured out that she did not want to leave the cat. She said she was unsure about me going away for 2 days instead of 1 but she was more concerned that the cat was going to be on her own and she didnt want to leave her. I ended up not going away but still sent her to her nannas for one night so I could go out for a meal. I happened to text my mum that evening to see if everything was alright, and I said that I was on my way home. She must have told this to my daughter because what followed was one of the worst experiences my mum has had with her with aggressive behaviour. When I got home, I had to sit on the phone to my daughter for 40 mins to try and calm her down. It was like a hostage negotiation. She wanted to come home desparately, but my mum doesnt like driving in the dark - I live 25 mins away and I had had too much to drink to drive. The situation was completely out of control but there was nothing I could do except try to calm her down and get her to go to bed. It was around 11.30 pm by this time and my mum had been trying to get her into bed since 10pm. She normally loves going to her nannas and she is usually as good as gold for her. The next morning she kicked off again because my mum wouldnt hurry up and take her home. We are now in a situation where she will not go to her nannas to sleep over and my mum is the only person who looks after her so that I can have a break. My mum is feeling really low because she feels she should have coped with the situation better but I know that once my daughter goes into one - there is no calming her down so there isnt much anyone could have done. I feel like I am being held to ransom by a flippin cat!!! Anyone else experienced problems with the family pet?

It is an absolute joy to be able to just sit and eat a meal together - albeit she picks and faffs her way through every morsel, spitting it back on the spoon a bit, dissecting petit pois peas by peeling their skins off!!. Christmas was great and this is her first easter for 3 years where she can have an easter egg!! oh the simple things in life that we all take for granted!!

Hi everyone I havent been on here for a while. Some may have come across my posts talking about my daughter who was diagnosed with ASD at 13 and was also suffering from a fear of choking on solid food (so she didnt eat anything at all except certain liquidised foods) together with extreme anxiety, not wanting to go out etc etc. Well, I have to say that things have improved for us 100 %! My daughter was undergoing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for her eating problems which I thought was going to take years - maybe never, to sort out. Well, after starting special school (secondary) in September, together with CBT, a wonderful one to one swimming teacher who has taught her to swim now and given her the most amazing confidence in herself, and also she is on fluoxetine medication - all of this has improved our lives immmensely. She started eating again last October - only small amounts of food - and still only has small meals which still need to be supported by a supplement shake but she is putting food in her mouth and swallowing it without becoming anxious of choking. I recently read through some of the first correspondence I wrote about my daughter when she was first going through the diagnosis process and I cannot believe how bad life was for us just a year ago. I was beginning to crack up myself and ended up on anti depressants because i was becoming anxious myself about going out as I spent so much time on my own at home with my daughter going through horrible cycles of aggression, anxiety, phobia and normal ASD stuff and the eating problems. But all this has changed now. We are just about living a normal life (well, as normal for an asd child as is possible!) I have to be careful that I do not become too complacant though as things just hit you out of the blue when you let your guard down and think things are ok. i still have to carry through the CBT tecniques with my daughter as she does have very irrational thinking that she cannot figure out in her head and so I have to get her to think about why she feels like she does so she can work it out for herself instead of me just saying it will be ok. Touch wood, things will continue to go ok for us. I just want to say that if there is anyone out there going through a similar experience to what my daughter went through with her eating disorder, please get in touch. I found it very very difficult to find anyone else going through the same thing with the food choking phobia. But there is hope and my daughter is real proof of that. I thought she would never eat solid food again. But with a lot of hard work from the right people and from me too - which I overlook sometimes, things have begun to get a hell of a lot better for us...

Hi, PM me if you still need some help

Primary School was bad enough and I would not even consider mainstream high school for my daughter. I fought tooth and nail for a Statement to get her into a Special High School. She started in September and the changes I have seen in her are tremendous. She is supported and understood. However, I understand that it is not for everyone and only the parents can decide how their child will cope. All I will say is - make sure you give it plenty of time and thought before sending your child to mainstream high school as it can do severe damage if they are not supported and you have to later go down the route of getting them into Special.

No it doesnt as far as im aware. The money you are paid has to be put into a bank account that is separate from all your other finances and used soley for receiving the DP and paying your carer. Someone will explain everything to you if and when you get awarded. Gotta dash - victoria

Hi Sally This is the exact situation that I was in. I want someone who can take my 12 year old daughter to social activities as she is joined to my left hip ALL the time and not developing any independence from me which is not healthy as just the two us live together alone. It was my daughter's psychologist who suggested direct payments to me. You do indeed need the CAF form to be filled in (I dont know if there is any other way) but the psychologist arranged all this and we had what was called a TAC meeting - Team Around the Child which brought together the school, and every other professional dealing with my daughter to ensure that all the relevant information was provided for the assessment. I think I am very lucky with the psychologist who oversees my daughter's case because she just seems to know what to do and when and does it immediately. Shortly after the form was submitted Social Services contacted me to arrange to come out and do an assessment - she didnt need to see much because the form was filled in well and provided all the information. she just needed to see us in person. We were awarded direct payments shortly afterwards and I am now in the process of trying to find someone suitable for my daughter. The direct payments system seems very daunting when you first start out and i havent got my head round it yet but social services pass the case on to a support service who help you all the way to set it up and implement the payments and can help you find someone. I dont know how it works in your area but this is the procedure i followed. I would get in touch with any of the professionals who your child sees and ask them if they would be prepared to do the form for you as I think you are more likely to be awarded DP if you have the backing of the people who support your child. Good luck - I hope this has been of some help. I just need to find someone now for my daughter and I think its going to take a while...so we will see. Maybe the form filling is the easy part! Vicbee

Thank you for all your responses - its made me feel even more proud just reading through them because you are right - it is what everyone on here is striving for for their children and it can be done!! Whoo Hoo! (sorry, im still on one!! I may come crashing down next week but hey - Ive dealt with worse! :LOL!!)

sorry to you both for not replying sooner - I keep forgetting to click the email notification when a reply comes through and have only just seen your responses. I will reply by PM properly...many thanks

Hi Ive posted on here a bit about my struggle over the past 18 months - getting my 12 year old's diagnosis and Statement of Special Needs and about her associated eating disorder where she has a fear of choking on solid food. I just want to add a positive post for once to say that my daughter started at her new high school which is a special school for moderate to profound learning difficulties which i was a little sceptical about as she is quite able and bright but would never have coped in a mainstream high school due to her immaturity and social difficulties so the only alternative was this school. I knew back in the school holidays that she would be ok at this school but of course i was still anxious. She has been there 2 and a half weeks now and I cannot tell you the joy i feel in my heart when she gets dropped off by her taxi in the afternoon and she is HAPPY! She cannot wait to go to school every day and just to see this on her face has made every meltdown, tantrum, unbearable moment and struggle over the past 12 years and especially the past 18 months very worth while. Elizabeth used to go to school and be the one who was different - be picked on, be bullied, be blamed for everything that went wrong, ostracised by her peers, made to feel stupid because she couldnt perform academically like the others. Now, and overnight she has become top dog at her school. She is accepted by everyone as everyone has their own quirkiness and nobody cares. she can be her 'calls a spade a spade' self without mum being called in by the headteacher because so and so's mother has been into school YET again to complain that elizabeth keeps calling her daughter fat! Instructions are given clearly for the benefit of all and so Elizabeth can respond properly, teachers are noticing when she is feeling uncomfortable and anxious in a situation and providing alternatives. the school is understanding of her eating disorder and WANT to help to improve things. I am so happy that Elizabeth is happy that i want to scream it from the rooftops!!! We have a long way to go before she will possibly eat normally again but the foundations for her feeling happy and relaxed so that she can build on her eating problems are being formed by her good experience at school. How must this feel for a child who has always been put down since reception year to go to school and feel worthy - I dont think elizabeth actually realises this but her general behaviour and outlook has improved tenfold and so it speaks for itself. Sorry to go on and on but it feels good to be where I am at right now. It is early days and I know there are problems at any school but for now just let me wallow in it!! it feels good!! Vicbee - one flippin happy mum - as if you couldnt tell!!!!

Hi Just thought I would see if there is anyone in the West Lancashire area on this forum? Please get in touch if you are. I would possibly like to meet up with other people besides the ones I have met through various groups. Many thanks

I have not seen this clip before. Very good points raised. My daughter is nearly 13 and only diagnosed at christmas just gone. She has this week started high school at a special school which i am so relieved about and I am so proud of myself for getting her diagnosis and statement of special needs arranged in the space of 6 months. She absolutely loves her new school and this really could be the making of her - being somewhere where she is understood and boosted as opposed to what has happened for the past 7 years in mainstream where she has been shunned by other pupils, confidence knocked by the teachers who never realised what was wrong with her. I do hope that more awareness is raised to the difference between boys and girls in autism and the way girls present on the spectrum and along with this, services etc are modified to include girls more for example in social clubs etc. I find everything geared towards boys - rightly so as they are the majority but i think there should be more girl friendly autism social events. Interesting video clip..

Just watched the trailer of a new release in the States - a RomCom called 'Adam' about a man with Aspergers. Looks like it will be really good and funny too. It was also advertised on Lorraine Kelly's show this morning. I think its only just been released in the States so dont know when it will be here. http://www.foxsearchlight.com/adam/