Squirrel

My only concern about MacDonalds would be the lack of an actual activity to do ... but then I'm thinking of a bored Robin and you are thinking of your less co-ordinated son! It just shows how different they all are, doesn't it! I'm also isolated, in that we are living out in Sweden at the moment. There is a fantastic forum of English speaking mums out here, and many of the local ones do meet up, but it is nothing like the long-standing friends back in the UK. Where are you living? (I mean approximately) Maybe there are other Mums on here who are somewhere nearby? Best Wishes, Helen

I would go for an individual-based activity - such as bowling - that the children can enjoy on their own terms rather than in relation to your child. Soft play centres are also good but I suspect that they may feel a little old for that at 9, and these centres also offer the opportunity of too much independence from your son and his party rather than the 'taking turns' aspect of bowling. I would also want some interaction to be possible, so would shy away from films for that reason. (but I'm aware that I'm aiming for ideals here!) I would arrange to meet with his teacher or Special Needs assistant to talk through your thoughts and some of the names that have been mentioned. There will be information that they can't tell you, of course, but if they care about their pupils at all they should be able to give you some pointers .... it's in their interest for there to be some successful friendships going on within their class, particularly successful friendships including your son. You could ask about the children who he sits with, the children whose names he has mentioned. I would also ask about the particular friends of the children whose names he has mentioned .... Once you have worked out who to invite you can ask for your details to be passed on to those parents, but I would also send and invite and a short explantory note to the parents of the children. I'd emphasize the appeal of the activity/venue and the fact that each of the children have some of their own friends also invited, and how much it would help you son to have other children playing the activity alongside him to show him how social interaction works, etc, etc, Emphasize that your son will be fully supervised and supported during the activity and that the invited children will be able to enjoy the activity and the food etc. regardless of any difficulties your son might have during the afternoon. I would be trying to ask for support and assistance with a nice big pay back for the invited children. Once you have the full names of the children (you can always look on the children's trays in the school!) it would probably be fairly easy to find their phone numbers, particularly if the school catchment area is fairly small. A little asking around of the people you do know will often bring up a street name and otherwise I would just trawl through the phonebook if I needed to. You may well not be able to make contact with all the parents, but you might get to chat to at least one parent out of each group of friends that you want to invite. I would also plan to let him down gently over the Year Six girl. She could have the standard invite that you are sending to the others, as he insists, but I would instinctively want to 'teach' how to handle a cruch or unrequited love sensibly, maturely, now .... before these things get serious and can be judged as harrassment or stalking in the future. What is 'sweet' at 9 is much less so in the teens and downright criminal after 18 .... Good Luck! Do let us know how you get on as I can also see this one coming. I invited just 4 friends to the soft play centre for Robin's 4th birthday, and all the Mums came and stayed as well. Each of the boys played briefly with Robin and also with each other and independently. It worked very well. I negotiated a reduced party size on the grounds of Robin's needs (minimum is normally 8 guests, so 9 kids) and I'm sure this was a wise move. Luckily I already knew all the Mums involved, though they did not all know each other. Hope that helps! Helen

Robin seems to be getting set in a 'phase' of hitting or kicking children, gently but persistently, in order to make contact with them/get attention/ something .... I looked like we were going to have to impose a 'rule' of No Touching in School (preschool) but when I discussed this with Robin he said "but Lena likes to hold hands with me" Don't know if she actually does, or just tolerates him, but I don't want to take him away from any social contact he does have! We've come up with a Social Story as follows (It's far too wordy, bearing in mind he's only 4, but I'm struggling with this! Especially as he keeps wanting me to put more of his ideas in!) Making Contact When I want to talk to or play with somebody, I can, Say their name (picture - Matt (family friend, not kid at school) in a speech bubble, he's been practising this with Matt all weekend) Notice something (beads on string and loose) pretty beads Say what you want (picture - speech bubble "Play trains with me, please" picture of train) Ask them something Excuse me, I want to pass, please I will try to ask before touching Shall we chase? and catch each other? (picture - stick people chasing and hugging) I'd like to hold hands with you (picture - hands interlocked) I like tickling, tickle me! (picture - attempt at a clawed hand, like a spider!) Does anyone else have any ideas? comments? experience handling this reaching out for social contact in an inappropriate way? Many thanks, Helen

If nothing comes up in the job market (don't be alarmed, most daycare type places are having their budgets cut and are getting by on less than the ideal number of staff at the moment) then I would recommend volutary work in the types of places where you would like to work. You obviously want to work with children ... and there is going to be a worry among employers about someone with MH problems working with young children. That's discrimination of course, but a sort of uneasiness about this very vulnerable group needs to be accepted, because it is real and out there - even though anyone who is genuine about working with children should be open-minded and prepared to give anyone a chance ..... By showing who you are, what you can do, and how you manage your conditions and still fill the needs of a job, you can then prove that you are a reasonable person to employ! Either in a place where you have volunteered, or because of the references you can supply from places where you have volunteered. This is why voluntary work is so important. Nurseries and pre-schools may be able to take you in for certain hours, it may also be worth looking in the school situation (hearing kids read, etc.) as you might enjoy being a classroom assistant and you could contribute SO MUCH by helping the staff understand an AS/dyspraxic, point of view and what may help or make life more difficult for the AS children in their care - especially young children who can't necessarily communicate or explain their discomfort. In many many cases people who have volunteered find themselves a paid job in the same area .... I'd recommend trying to get into several different places to improve those chances. You will also learn an awful lot in the practical situation that you just can't get at college, and a lot of the college information will make more sense when you are observing childcare work in real life. For instance you may be in a school and helping in a certain class, perhaps a certain kid that has difficulties ... then the kid is diagnosed, statemented, whatever and the school is in a position to get an assistant for a few hours a week - they will probably have to advertise the post publically as per the rules but you would be there, known, and the ideal candidate for the job unless someone more experienced/qualified applied. Good Luck! Helen

If you are at all worried about your weight, or eating habits, etc. then I can really strongly recommend, www.weightlossresources.co.uk (I'm using it for the third time) It is an online resourse where you can log your food intake and the exercise you do. There is a 24 hour free trial which lets you look all around the site without giving away any payment details, it's then around £2.50 a week (cheaper if you get three or six months at a time) which is less than a magazine a week or one exercise class .... Unlike any faddy or risky diet sites this merely gives you the information and puts you firmly in control. You can choose whether you want a weight loss and how slowly or quickly to take it (within about 4 choices) and it will tell you how many calories a day that allows you, you can gain extra calories each day by exercising. It is used by people wanting to gain weight and people on cholestrol reducing diets or similar as well. You can access a nutritional profile for what you are consuming - I found that I eat proportionally too much protein. There is a message forum like this one, and a whole board of people with eating disorders who support each other to remain in control of their diet, rather than their diet controlling them. (Most of them are on 'maintenance' calories or are trying to gain weight and then to remain stable) There is also a LOT of different articles about dieting and food and healthy lifestyles in general. From your post .... Mildly obese is just that, mild - a gentle pointer in the direction ... So, you are not the IDEAL weight for your height at the moment but it's not a terrible situation, there is a scale that goes up another three or four stages to 'morbidly obese'. Missing meals is very bad for blood sugar levels - which affect mood, concentration and self control ... (So would contribute towards depression and, I'm guessing, the AS needs) The single biggest improvement to your diet would be to eat a little meal every 3 hours. You could have snacks like fruit or more substantial ones like cheese and crackers or nuts or whatever you fancy. (My son likes wrapping wafer thin ham around a breadstick at snacktime!) Giving your body a steady supply of food at regular intervals during the day may also prevent the binging .... I know that I save myself some calories for the evening time because I do, always, fancy something sweet once I've got the kids in bed. So I just allow for it by eating slightly smaller meals earlier on. To be very simple it would be not having a dessert with dinner because I absolutely know that I will be wanting that dessert two hours later .... Hope that makes sense (and there is nothing in it for me with promoting WLR, I just really appreciate using them!) Helen

Thanks, Ladies. We are on a 3 to 4 month wait for our referral to what sounds like a Child Development Centre (We're living in Sweden) Once there ... I have learnt from here that it is a SALT that I am most needing, and the play therapy. Thank you for your tips so far - if there is anything further you can think of about the actual process of playing with another child, the actual interaction - that would be very helpful. He's pretty good at turn taking, once he realises that is what is needed. Playing alongside kids with similar equipment appears to be the best way forward .... but how do you practise this? (I do an awful lot of playing with Robin and modelling such behaviour - both as 'me' and on behalf of his baby brother) Roadmats with toy cars, the wooden railway, and building with bricks are definitely the easier games in this respect and that's the sort of thing I set up for him when he is having a playdate. He has a tendancy to tell the other players what to do, what 'the story' is. So I need to work out how to explain/introduce the give and take of a normal play situation - different players having ideas and so on .... (Martin and I have a tendancy to thwart his plans, drive our train through the tunnel rather than chasing his train as instructed, and all that sort of thing, just to try to show that the dictator does not always get his own way!) Has anyone got any particular book recommendations for play skills? I've already acquired a book list as long as my arm from browsing the NAS site but I'd love to know what is really useful with talking, wanting to interact, chatty children like Robin. Helen

I would ask your partner which part/aspect of the wedding is most important to her ... Does she want to be seen to have a partner for some part of it? Some parts may well be less stressful for you than others - I'm guessing hugely on the basis on my undiagnosed Apsergers like father .... .... but sitting in the church in his suit as 'part of the family unit' wouldn't be a problem - he'd just let his mind wander and think his own thoughts - but the social chit chat over reception drinks or the meal would kill him .... Are you driving? Can you take her to the church, sit through the service, then drop her off at the reception and go off to 'an appointment/something you need to do' and then collect her after the social part of the wedding? Something like that would ensure that you were seen to be 'with' her, and to be supportive of an important event in her, and her friends', life - but without subjecting yourself to the most stressful parts of the wedding party. By finding some kind of compromise you can show that you respect what is important to her, whilst demanding that she respect what is most difficult for you ... Good Luck, Helen

Hello all. Robin got his diagnosis yesterday, High Functioning Autism, so we should finally be getting some more support in teaching his how this crazy old world works, and how he can integrate with it ... (but there is a 3 to 4 month wait for what I am translating as a Child Development Centre - we live in Sweden) (He's 4 by the way) His biggest problem at the moment is in playing with other children. Robin wants to play with them .... but .... He either seems to snatch a toy that someone else is using .... Command the other children to do something "Come, we go slide now" which is sometimes accepted but sometimes not Or disturb the game in some way - I think to try to get attention ... He knows about taking turns, and is pretty good at it if he is applying the rule to the situation - he can do this independantly if it occurs to him. We have been discussing the Stop Look Listen technique (from 'Raising your Spirited Child, Mary Kurcinka, highly recommended book) Stop - before barging in Look - at what they are playing/doing Listen - to what they are saying to each other .... and then join in .... ... but how do you 'join in' ? I'm thinking about taking a spare toy the same or similar (.... if there is one) Imitating the type of play, already taking place (.... but not copying exactly, that's annoying ...) and then introducing your own ideas as suggestions - friends might say yes or no ... e.g. cars and car mat. Friends are driving cars around visiting different locations Can take a car and drive your own route to different places but following someone exactly might wind them up ... Can later suggest 'Follow me' or 'Let's play a race /chase/ whatever' .... but of course they might say No, 'cos they might be playing delivery trucks, farm to shop, shops to houses, or something else .... Obviously none of my mutterings on here are suitable for 'clear and concrete explanations' LOL! Any ideas? Helen

What an awful situation. And such a shame for you and your son, caught in the middle. I'm just about to post asking for advice in my Robin making friends so I can really feel your pain inyour son losing them through no fault of his own. I would hope that given a normal level of pleasantries, perhaps keeping up the occasional invitations, that Peter's Mum will settle down and that this will 'blow over', especially if she sees Jack's Dad for being not quite as nice a person as she once thought .... Of course I don't know what the emails blaming you touched on - if you were driving there waasn't really much you could do about one child injuring another .... and at least it wasn't your child that did the injuring. I think I would make an effort to maintain pleasantries and occasional e-mails inviting Peter to something, invitations coming from your son. As much as to say "I know you did not like the way I handled X but my son would still like to spend time with your son" Good Luck, Helen

I just use real coins ... at the moment (This is probably a bit of an aside from the original topic, but I've something to add about that too!) Robin's coins are mainly for toilet training at the moment, about 8p for a pee and 40p for a poo (we're working in Swedish Kronor!) He is saving up for a toy racetrack. However the threat of removing coins from his pot works really well as well - flicking light-switches = electricity costs money, and it really does cost a fortune here, so if you are choosing to do that then we will need to take a coin out of your pot. Hurting the animals = Making Mummy explode with sparks coming out of her ears ... Oh, yes, helpful response! A big coin which I put in the animal food cupboard for buying the cats a new toy as an apology for the tail holding incident. I have only had to do these very rarely, literally the 'test cases' and now the threa works well enough. Original point (before I get called away ...) I am seeing social behaviour, especially imitation, in my 6 month old son that we never saw in Robin. It makes me well up because I suddently realise how much robin is 'not normal'. I expect to see more of what you are describing as time goes on. Helen

Thanks for this thread, folks. Robin has visited the potty, for stories and pleasant chatting time, at all suitable times of day since he was 18 months old ..... he's had various reward schemes for 'something in the potty' which he has liked and been enthusiastic about - but basically no sensation of needing to go and - until recently - very rarely the sensation of needing a nappy change. We have tried pants on a number of pccasions when he wanted to but with no success - he didn't even register when they were wet or soiled until it got to his trousers, where he could feel it ... He is now very nearly 4 and has started to ask for nappy changes - yeah! He has also started to say, on some days, when 'pee pee coming' or 'I think I need to poo' and we have had some entertaining sprints to the potty where we are usually far too late. Interesting enough, poo wise, the poo hasn't come in nappy or in potty for about three of these trips (within an hour or so) until it has finally happened in the nappy. He is getting coins for his 'saving up pot' whenever he does do something in the potty, and - if nothing else - this does make him willing to try. He almost always gets the first pee of the day into the potty. A slight problem is that the potties are now getting a little small for him and he is sometimes getting pins and needles from them. We are having to restrict him to one story to help with this. We have also found the travel potty - which I unearthed recently and haven't got from the bathroom into the back of the car yet - to have a bigger seat, the seat is one of those that can clip onto a toilet so it is larger and vinyl padded as well. I don't regret taking him to the potty whenever he has woken up, and after each meal or snack (a slight delay, until others have finished and the table has been cleared, about 1o mins?) since 18 months because at least it is a habit and it is an act that is part of ordinary every day life. At risk of TMI but we sit there, me on the toilet, baby brother in the carseat, and Robin on the potty and have a story together for 5 to 10 mins. It's not a bad little ritual as these things go! I, of course am often off the toilet and rinsing through food-stained bibs or other laundry whilst waiting for RObin to finish 'trying' but hey - that gets those jobs done as well! You have both scared me (5 years, 7 years) and given me hope! Helen

I take it you can't convince him to do something quiet and restful in his room, and stay in his room, whilst you get some rest? I guess that's too obvious to have been overlooked, but ..... When I was pregnant I just had to have an afternoon nap in order to be safe and able to function until hubby got home from work, or even to be able to stagger around the afternoon dogwalk and cope with my very intense then 3 year old. I found that I could park him in front of a DVD and he would be rooted to the sofa for the duration of it .... Not ideal but he does seem to find it a good way of 'zoning out' 'chilling out' whatever the term was. There were some days when I encouraged him towards a 76 minute one (We have three - and I know exactly which ones! LOL!) I don't think it has done him any harm and I am inclined to keep a siesta time running, especially once his brother is old enough to timetable a bit. Whether it is reading, or mild (not too stimulating) tv or jigsaw puzzles or some other obsession .... perhaps there are some activities that your son would be able to do, safely, on his own so that you can get the rest you need in order to be able to cope? Hope that helps, and isn't teaching grandma to suck eggs ... Helen

It doesn't really seem as if the twins are 'cured' anyway - they are still having intensive therapies. Just that they no longer tick enough boxes to fulfil an Autism diagnosis - and if I've learnt anything on here it is how difficult it can be to get an Autism diagnosis even if your child shows many of the signs, difficulties, whatever. I don't think my son will be diagnosed as Autistic, there are too many contra indications, but I am exptremely grateful that the Autism team here (Lund, Sweden) are interested in him because he does have some clear difficulties that are common to ASD conditions ..... any help we can get to enable him to cope successfully in the NT world will be gratefully received! Where should I go for more info on the dietary stuff? I'm reading the references here as gluten free and dairy free .... I don't think Robin has any intolerances or particular reactions to gluten or dairy (His reaction to certain fizzy sweets has to be seen to be believed - he turns into a 'happy drunk' and knows he is acting strangely but just can't help it) Obviously I am in nowhere near as sensitive a situation as many of the people on these boards - the experiences you describe make my difficulties feel very humble indeed - but I would suspect in this case that the mother has been amazed by the twins' progress, and the journalist has indulged in a bit of drama-speak with some sweeping generalisations to catch headlines ... Helen

It doesn't really seem as if the twins are 'cured' anyway - they are still having intensive therapies. Just that they no longer tick enough boxes to fulfil an Autism diagnosis - and if I've learnt anything on here it is how difficult it can be to get an Autism diagnosis even if your child shows many of the signs, difficulties, whatever. I don't think my son will be diagnosed as Autistic, there are too many contra indications, but I am exptremely grateful that the Autism team here (Lund, Sweden) are interested in him because he does have some clear difficulties that are common to ASD conditions ..... any help we can get to enable him to cope successfully in the NT world will be gratefully received! Where should I go for more info on the dietary stuff? I'm reading the references here as gluten free and dairy free .... I don't think Robin has any intolerances or particular reactions to gluten or dairy (His reaction to certain fizzy sweets has to be seen to be believed - he turns into a 'happy drunk' and knows he is acting strangely but just can't help it) Obviously I am in nowhere near as sensitive a situation as many of the people on these boards - the experiences you describe make my difficulties feel very humble indeed - but I would suspect in this case that the mother has been amazed by the twins' progress, and the journalist has indulged in a bit of drama-speak with some sweeping generalisations to catch headlines ... Helen

Gulp ... this was never going to be easy was it! I'm confused now, between the 'keep it very simple and generalise' and the 'grounds for confusing and being indistinct' Thank you very much for your response Kazzan. I first read through thinking "But he knows what I mean by that" but then I thought *reality check* How much does he actually understand of these things? After all this is Social Development ..... I will come back and think about this /discuss this with you guys once again. Meanwhile the original story is hanging off his peg at preschool, and hanging off the radiator next to his potty at home. He seems to quite like it but has got it confused with a fantastic song we found recently - The Jolly Pirate School "It's OK to be angry, Just don't kick the cat" So now he quotes that at me whenever I mention getting angry! Yes, son, that's all very well, great song - but what ARE you going to do when you get angry? To which he usually says "Say F�RL�T" ("Sorry" in Swedish - we are living in Sweden) We are trying to put something into place so he doesn't have to say "Sorry" quite so often! Helen