Mum of 3

Welcome to the forum.

Spring must be in the air!

Sorry to go on and on, Skye, but I really feel we're in similar places right now... I've been thinking about Lib not having any friends, and then this little girl saying she's Lib's friend today...I think this is really encouraging. Children at this age are very fickle in their friendships- they say they are 'friends' with anyone who they played with on that day! So it stands to reason that a girl who finds it hard to play with others will not hear others saying she's their 'friend'. It doesn't necessarily mean that the other girls are being unfriendly. I have a friend with a little girl who uses a wheelchair, and when she was in Reception she had no 'friends', because she was always being cared for by an adult, so the other girls simply didn't see her as 'one of them'. Unfortunately, the parents were a bit like this as well-they probably didn't know how to make overtures, as this family always seem to be surrounded by equipment, professionnal support, etc. Anyway, my friend realised she would have to make the first move, and started inviting other girls round for tea. She actually talked to the teacher first, and asked which girls might make good friends for he DD, then worked her way down the list. The ones with Mums she got on with have become good friends with her DD, and she's made new friends, too. It sounds like this little girl wants to be friends with Lib, and has seen the good points about her ( <'> ), so why not give it a go, and invite the girl to tea (say she can bring her mum if sge wants!)...make sure there's something lovely to do, that Lib can cope with, and that won't matter if you end up doing it with the little girl on her own while Lib does her own thing ( )...you could get some buns and ice them, then decorate them with sprinkles, or maybe make some bead bracelets or something, so this little girl will go back to school and tell the others what a cool time she had. They'll be queuing up to visit after that! And even if they're not, you might have made the one friendship for Lib that she needs to make school a happy place to go!

Hi Skye, I think the style of learning in Reception is a bit of a double-edged sword for children with ASDs...they are expected to coose from a wide range of activities, which change regularly, and there is a constant buzz and noise going on, which is great for 'most' children, but not for those (NT as well as ASD!) who need quiet, calm, order and routine. Also, they are expected to have a great deal of self-motivation in order to access the full curriculum...This is something I was discussing with G's teacher last week. I pointed out to her that although G has the opportunity to paint, draw, model, write, etc every day, he never chooses to do these things, and he never has, so all the time he has been in Nursery (Iwent back to work full-time when he was 11 months old) or at school he has not been practicing these skills that are so vital for him to develop fine motor skills! I've brought this up at every parent's evening with Nursery, pre-school and now school, and they've all always said 'but we have a 'choosing' system in the Early Years, we don't tell them what to do'. It's only now that I'm more on the ball with all this that I realise my instinct was right all along...it might be good for the majority of pupils to have free choice, but G needs more structure and possibly so does Lib. I'm sure that the structure as he moves up through school will help G, but that might be a double-edged sword as well, as he will be forced to sit and do things he doesn't like, which will bring it's own problems! School will always have good and bad points, as will home-schooling. Only you can decide what's best for you and Lib. But have you given school a fair crack of the whip?

That's just where I'm at at the moment, Bid...It's so dreadful when you start to go down this road. I feel like I picked at a thread and now the whole jumper's unravelling!!!! I worked on G's first IEP last week with his teacher, and hearing her talking about just how much he's struggling with things like PE, writing, dressing himself after PE, choosing activities, socialising...totally reliant on adults for all his social interaction...it's very hard to hear, almost worse than the thought that I'm a cr*p mother because he's throwing tantrums all the time and hitting his brothers, which I felt all last year before he started school! What makes matters worse about the DLA is that my 2 best friends both have disabled children. They both use wheelchairs, and one is severely disabled, to the point where he will always have to be fed, changed, etc, and has no means of communication. I look at them and think...'How can I put myself in the same boat as this?' ...but then I walk home from school with G, constantly chivvying him along, watching he doesn't wander into the road, walk into people, etc, and I watch the other children from his class trotting along happily with their mates, whilst the mothers wander along chatting, hardly even looking at the kids, and I think...'ah yes, there's the difference!...' I suppose that's why there are different levels of support, to distinguish between the levels of need, so I should stop worrying and get on with it!

Thanks Skye, I've been feeling really down for ages, wondering if I'm doing the right thing for G, is it or isn't it going to turn out to be ASD?...And what to we do if it is?...And what do we do if it isn't?....It has literally been driving me mad, and I think Mum's felt she's had to step in to help me and 'protect ' me. I think what happened on Friday just brought me back to my senses...I realised that I have to take control, and be in charge-as much for myself as for the children. Ironically, although it was awful (especially on Friday when I first posted), I now feel so much stronger and more positive, and I feel really proud of the way I've handled it

Sorry Carolynrg, I must have been typing as you posted this, so I didn't read the 30 minutes thing. I think 30 mins Mon, 5 mins Tues is very encouraging. Remember, it's baby steps when you're trying anything new, so don't be disheartened if it takes longer tonight, or if he goes back to the old way of jumping around...he might try to test your resolve, but you just need to stand firm and keep it up! We spent at least a year putting G to bed in our bed (often with me going to bed with him!), just so the other 2 could sleep in the room they shared. Now the middle one's the one who won't go to sleep.... Good luck with the support groups. This sounds like loads to get going with!

Hi there, I'm answering this from a female, NT perspective. Call me old-fashioned, but I'm not sure this girl really knows what she wants...she knows that you want to take this relationship further, and says that she doesn't, yet you've 'done adult things' together. Does she know about your AS? If so, she should be extra careful to make sure that she doesn't give you mixed messages, and that is certainly what she's doing here. By doing 'adult things', she's giving you hope, but by going out with other boys, she's taking that hope away. To me, that's just mean, and not very friendly! To put the best spin on it that I can, it sounds like she could be confused about her own feelings, and that's why she wants to be friends, with a bit more, but not have a relationship. What you need to do is to decide if the friendship is worth the upset of knowing that she doesn't (at the moment!) want a relationship, and if you decide it is, then enjoy the friendship, and take up a new (or revive an old!) interest to stop yourself obsessing. Your friendship will be much more enjoyable if you both accept it and get on with it instead of trying to make it into something it's (at the moment) not! As for whether it's an AS trait or not, I feel like Bid, it's hard for NTs to speculate, as I don't understand the strength of your 'obsession'. One thing I do know, is that I've been on both sides of this particular fence in my dim and distant past, and neither is very much fun! I've had male friends who I quite fancied, and who I would have liked to 'go out with', but any slight encouragement has made them come on way too strong, and I've felt like they were trying to stifle me and take over my every waking (and sleeping!) moment! This is, I think, a human trait, one which many of us fall into, and it's called unrequited love, and it's horrible . I do hope you manage to sort this out, and find someone to have a relationship with who shares your feelings equally, because when you get that, it's the best feeling in the world <'>

Hi Carolynrg, i've been following this topic with interest...with 3 boys aged between 20mths and 5.5, we often have evenings where we're like Jack in the Boxes-no sooner is one settled than another one's up again! I think if you got him to sleep calmly last night in 5 minutes, then you're doing really well ...when you first posted, 10 days ago, you were saying he was jumping on your DD's bed, getting up 10/15 times in the night....You've done a brilliant job to get it to this stage already! It sounds as though your DS is in need of the comfort of having you there when he goes to sleep. I think this is the age when little ones start to get worried about 'things that go bump in the night'. They also realise there is a whole world of stuff going on while they're asleep, and want to be part of it! I really think you're doing the right thing to sit with him and stroke him till he goes to sleep, provided it continues to work...you won't be doing it forever, and there will come a time when you long for the times when he'd let you! Relax and do what works...Supernanny's not about to come round and shout at you! <'>

Thanks for all your replies, everyone...I thought I'd give you a bit if an update. I went to see Mum yesterday, after talking with my DH at length about what was going on, and how we wanted to move forward with this (once I'd got over the shock of what she'd done, I realised it might not be such a bad thing for her to back away a bit...). I told her that I understood that she was wanting to make things better for us all by keeping G happy, but that this wasn't the way to go about it, and the inconsistancy is confusing and upsetting for him. She has agreed to follow my lead on rules, and to back me up more when we're all together, and I think she will really try(!). I think this has cleared the air, and opened up communication a bit, so that I will be able to nip it in the bud if she starts doing things that undermine me in the future. Once again, thanks everyone for all your advice and support

It does seem strange to apply for money just for looking after your child. I keep thinking that the money won't change anything-it's not enough to pay for a full-time nanny to look after the other two while I spend all my time looking after G (more's the pity !!!), so I still have to try somehow to deal with him, whilst the other two just get on with it the best they can! However, then I think about how the money could be spent on giving the younger two a treat every now and then, to make up for the fact that they're constantly being left to themselves, or we could pay for a bigger car, so they're not all squashed in together, with G pushing, shoving and hitting them because he feels hemmed in (we could get a people carrier and put him in the back on his own when he's in a mean mood! ). I think the way it's helped you, Tally, is a good example of how it works-it's making the difference between 'just about coping' and 'living'. The other thing I'm thinking about is what will happen as G grows up...he could need extra things that we might not be able to provide for him (like Tally's car), and if we apply for DLA and get it, some of it can be put aside every month for his future. Now all I have to do is fill the form in

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Hi Dekaspace, This sounds like a horrible situation to find yourself in. Have you spoken to anyone at the uni about it? When I was at Uni, my friend and I had a room in someone's house, and at first she was really nice, but then she began to turn on us and became really threatening. We were really scared and worried, so we went to Student Services and explained the situation. They found us rooms in Halls of Residence for the rest of term, which was noisy and crouded, but at least regulated and rules enforced! They also sorted out the contract issue for us and everything, so we had to have no more contact with the woman. This could be an option for you, as you seem to be in 'exceptional circumstances'. As for failing your module, is there a chance to do resits in the summer? I'm not sure how your tutors will respond to your not going to any classes for 3 months, and not seeking help sooner...I think they'll wonder why you've not come to them for help before now, so I think you should go and explain your difficulties as soon as you can. It may be possible for you to do extra work over the summer to catch up for next year. You say you've dropped out of uni before...It would be a shame to do so again, just because of a few thoughtless people! Please talk to someone at the Uni for help, a friendly tutor, student union person or even a Pastor. good luck.

Thanks, everyone...I knew I'd get good advice from you all Of course, I.H.U.A, I understand, the need to be accurate and honest when filling out the forms, to be otherwise would not be right , but I also recognise the need to put down all the difficulties that we face, and not to 'gloss over' anything, since it's these difficulties that the money is there to help with. I'll be visiting the cerebra website next, to see what they have to say. Will let you know how I get on...

OK, all you Norris McSquirters...This has been on my mind for ages....(it's a small mind!). It surely must be a record to have a thread that's been going so long/had so many replies, mustn't it? If only we had some sort of technically-minded type people on this forum who liked facts and figures and researching things on the Web and things, maybe we'd find out!....

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I've looked through the poll on DLA, and I've seen that lots of people have applied, and I really am not sure if we should or not...So I thought I'd ask for your opinion We have no dx, but we are undergoing assessment, looking at AS, I think, in the end. On the mobility front, G is hit and miss when it comes to walking outside. He can walk along loverly, holding hands, and only straying from the path for his regular trips round the back of the bus shelter, along the wall, etc...BUT, when he's having an 'off' day, he pulls at my hand (luckily, so far, not falling into the paths of any passing waggons, but more by luck than judgement), or stops and refuses to budge at all, or else runs on ahead without stopping for the roads he has to cross, just running over them! He has also, on some occassions recently, run off and hid, usually only round the corner, but he won't come when called, and has to be 'found'. In car parks, it's all the same to him whether he runs to the shop down the road part or the path...he'll still run, and he won't come back when he's called, so I end up runnning after him all the time! Last W/end, on a trip to the seaside, he stopped point blank when we crossed a busy road at a crossing, leaving him one side of the road and us the other, then panicked so he didn't hear us saying stay there...he wasn't even looking at us! I had to run in front of the cars to get back to him... he also ran straight down to the sea without telling us or even looking back-the tide was well out, and he was gone for ages (luckily, very few others were mad enough to be braving the North Yorks coast last W/end, so I could watch him!). So, I think we probably qualify for this, but then again he is only 5 (and a half...), I just don't know what a NT 5.5 YO would be like! Thing is, I don't think he'll get better...if anything, as he gets older, he's getting less wary and trying to get away from us more, and listening less! As for the care part, he is able to dress himself and feed himself, etc, but getting him to do it is almost impossible! (hence the huge row with my mum yesterday-she thinks he 'needs' things done for him, I'm having the daily battles to get him to do it himself!). He doesn't wash himself, or clean his teeth, brush his (long!) hair, etc without help (but, again, he's only 5.5!). He obviously has some problems with learning to do things, as he can't yet use the DVD/TV/video/CD player--even the volume control eludes him, yet the 20month old baby can change channels (too much tv for baba number 3? ). This is not just laziness, as it really frustrates him, yet no amount of teaching has helped. He just stands in front of the appliance wringing his hands and moaning! Also, we live in quite a big house over 4 floors. He won't go onto another floor of the house without an adult-he's scared! He regularly breaks things, or does things which will break things if we let him! He has huge tantrums, which affect everyone in the house, due to the tiniest things (like a toy he can't find). When we go out, he will either talk to anyone and everyone (if he's happy), or talk to no-one. Whichever, I regularly get people giving me a quizzical look after he speaks to them, so I have to 'translate' because his speech pattern and pronunciation is odd. He often needs me to tell him what to say to his 'friends' if we see them in the street... At night, he wets the bed if we don't lift him every night, and sometimes if we do! I've shown him how to pull off the draw sheet and bed mat to get back into bed, but he still comes in to me every time...(but then, he is only 5.5....) I just can't decide which things are immaturity due to age, and which are due to difficulties related to AS/whatever. And, do they qualify for DLA, or is that for children who are much worse, ie. who CAN'T do things, rather than WON'T!

Finally got G to agree to having his feet measured last W/end (using the fab downloadable DIY foot measure...No more waiting in Clarks )...His shoes were 2 sizes too small!!! He's now in size 13, and he's only 5! What will he be like as a teenager? I've visions of 7-league boots littering my house...or maybe just selling the house and living in the cast-off boots! . Took him to TKMaxx for cheap designer stuff and got him loverly sandal-type things, but had to be really devious... They have a logo on the label of a spy-type character in a trilby, and G's cousin J is really into Indiana Jones, so I latched onto that... G: No, I don't like them. I don't want new shoes. I like my old ones. Me: Yes, you're right. You shouldn't have these, J would be way too jealous, and we don't want to make him jealous. G: Why would J be jealous? (looking with interest at the shoes ) Me: Well, because they're Indiana Jones shoes, aren't they? (moving away from the stand and putting shoes back)...No, you'd better not have them. I'll tell aunty V to get them for J. G: I AM having them! Pleeeese, Mum...I rEEEEly want them! So, a bit of guile and cunning involved there... . I would have got away with it as well, if it hadn't been for that pesky kid...on our way out today, he went into mini-panic because he wanted to wear his (now recycled) school shoes (size 11, mind you!)...Why?....Because they're comfy!!!

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Thanks, all for all the <'> s and excellent advice. I was really upset all last night, and couldn't stop thinking about it all morning , but when I looked on here and saw these i felt much better. Pookie, I'm definately going to sit down tonight and make those lists. I think it's a really good idea, and will put all this into perspective. My DH keeps saying it's for the best, and things will now have a chance to change and improve-that she will have to listen to our point of view after this. I just keep thinking what if she doesn't, and just turns against me She hasn't rung today, which is unheard of. I can't ring her because she told me she doesn't want to know any more.

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I am so MAD !!!!! My Mum's decided that the way to treat G is by giving him EXACTLY what he wants/desires no matter what I say or do!!!!! This, by the way, is all based on one line she read in one book by an American mother of a boy with AS, where the mother justifies travelling through 3 states looking for a particular Thomas train, because her son 'needs' it!!!!! In other words (Baddad, take note!), any slight wish is now to be instantly granted, no matter what else is going on, because his AS (not confirmed, BTW, only under assessment!) excuses him everything. So, this morning, when he'd spent 40 minutes refusing to get ready for school, and then thrown his cereal on the floor shouting 'I don't want THIS! Make me a honey sandwich, NOW!', I told him it was cereal or nothing, and gone to get ready. Mum arrived to babysit the babies as I had an 8.30 meeting with G's teacher for which I was already late. G had had no breakfast, and Mum was worried he'd be hungry (pushing my guilty Mum buttons!). She'd missed the cereal throwing, but caught the aftermath and knew I was cross. I said 'Ok, he can have a slice of bread to eat on the way. Would you mind cutting it?' Next thing I know, he's at her side, directing the making of his perfect honey sandwich! I said 'No honey!', and he started to scream abuse at me. She threw up her hands and said she just couldn't cope with this and to 'take him away...I don't want to be in the middle of this.' So I ended up dragging him to school while he cried and wailed for his Grandma (who, by the way, is the only person in the world he loves, who loves him, who he wants to go and live with....). this evening, she decided to come for the children's tea time. She told my 3 Yr old to 'hurry up and eat. I'm not spoonfeeding you. I hate feeding children.', and then about 5 minutes later, G stopped eating, so she picked up his fork and happily fed him (he's 5 and a half, and I've expressly asked her not to do anything for him he can do for himself). When I asked her not to, they both rounded on me and she said he 'needs a helpy-hand so he can finish his dinner.' After his bath, he refused to get into his PJs. Even Mum lost her rag with him and shouted at him to get dressed. He responded by turning upside down in an armchair and showing his bum. I told him to get dressed NOW, or go straight to bed with no stories. He ignored me, so I took him , kicking, screaming and shouting abuse, up to bed. He was screaming that he wanted a kiss from Grandma, he wouldn't go to bed, etc. I got cross and shouted him down, telling him he'd get his kiss when he was quiet in bed (against my better judgement, but past experience tells me she doesn't like to be 'used as a punishment'). G responded by throwing all his teddies, pillows, off his bed into his doorway. When I came downstairs, Mum was sighing and saying 'I just can't be part of this....I can't stand this any more....I don't want to be in the middle of this'. She asked me if she should wait until he calmed down, or go home straight away, I said he probably wouldn't calm down until he fell asleep, so she could go and give him a quick kiss and say goodbye if she wanted to, but he wasn't getting up out of bed. She went upstairs and was gone for ages. I followed her up and found her sitting on his bed, cuddling him and reading him a story!!! I asked her to stop-that wasn't part of the deal! G went ballistic, and she stormed out of the house, telling my DH on the way out that she wasn't coming back until she was asked (!). I did the dutiful daughter bit, and phoned her up later, and she said she 'understands why I'm doing what I'm trying to do, and doesn't argue with it, but she feels differently, and she can't do it.' She wouldn't elaborate on what she meant, and has now said that she will continue to pick G up from school, and having him to stay over on tuesdays, and take him to school on Weds mornings (this is our current arrangement so I can work, although I'm off with stress at the moment ), but she doesn't want to be involved any more than that. In other words, she won't be seeing me or my other two children, but will still have G without me being there to interfere! I really don't want to fall out with my mum aver this, but this has been building for ages. What can I do?

Sorry, Hamish, no good advice, although I sympathise, as I did a similar thing, going to my GP and getting rferred to the Paediatritian at the CDU, and at the same time going to the Ed Psychs with a self-referral. I've been told the two 'streams' will eventually 'meet up', but in your case, I suppose you're seeing 2 different Drs with the same remit... I think I'd be inclined to go with the one you, personally, feel most comfortable with. If Dr 1 is semi-retired, and you're seeing Jnr Drs you have no faith in, you might be better with Dr2. Could you go to her and show her the meds Dr1 has given, and ask her to continue the prescription?

Thanks, Pearl. That makes me feel so much better. I left him at my Mum's tonight (he has a stop-over with her every Tuesday), and he kept getting out of bed saying he was scared. I've just rung her to see how he is. Apparantly, the thing he was scared of was 5 wolves (!). She told him she'd seen them, in the other room, and biffed them on the head . He went to sleep happy. . Sometimes, I think I might be worrying too much!

Well, the hospital phoned this morning when I'd taken him to school and asked if I could bring him in today, as they had a very experienced member of staff to take the blood, and the playworker on duty has worked with him before, so it would be familiar. I picked him up from school, and said (breezily!) 'Oh, the hospital just want you to pop in and let them have a look at you', but he wasn't buying that and started to ask all sorts of questions, ending with 'will they want to do anything to me?', so I said they wanted to look at his blood, and he freaked, but I explained all about the different things blood does, and why doctors want to look at it, and how simple the procedure is, and he calmed down a bit. Unfortunately, by the time the playworker arrived to where we were waiting in the corridor, he was in a right panic, lying on the floor with my coat over him, refusing to get up. She asked if I thought he should have the cream, and wait half an hour, or use a freezing spray and get it done right away. I had no idea! I asked her to decide, as I reasoned they were the ones with the experience, and they were the ones doing it! Well, she took us into a teatment room, and G started to whine (he makes this noise like a hurt dog when he's anxious). I sat him on my knee and the nurse put the strap on his arm, while the playworker tried to get him interested in Where's Wally, but he was way beyond that and started to struggle and shouting that it hurt. Another nurse came in and held his arm, then the playworker started to hold his arm as well. All the time, he was kicking and writhing, and I was holding him really tight and just whispering in his ear, 'shhh, soon be over...shh'. WHen they'd done it, he just carried on screaming 'You hurt me! You hurt me! It HURTS!!!'. The playworker looked a bit concerned at him still shouting when it was all over, and went to get him a drink, then sat with us while he calmed down (only about 5 minutes). He wouldn't speak to me on the way home, and picked a fight where nothing I could do was right... He eventually, begrudgingly, 'made friends' with me, but has run out of the house twice, in his bare feet in the rain, tonight, and said 'no' to absolutely everything I've tried to get him to do. I'm exhausted, and really wish it had all been very different. I understand that they've achieved their objective in getting the blood, but at what cost? What'll he be like next time, and what am I going to have to do to repare the damage done to his trust in me and get him to do as he's told again without a battle every time?