stressedmumto2
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Posts posted by stressedmumto2
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J's mum sending you hugs and hoping that tonight is a better night for you
<'> He must be getting nervous about starting now, do you have a due date and is he doing a slow integration or will he be going straight into full time schooling. I'm sure the school will do everything they can to make the transitions easier for him
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Hi Enid, glad the meeting went ok and that you were listened too and that all professionals turned up. It's also good that everyone is agreeing he needs a specilaist school placement. Keep with it, you will get there.
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Hi Enid, no this is not what s/s meant by children's home in relation to my son, they meant one of their children's homes which would not be appropriate as it wouldn't be asd specific. I think if you go for 52 week placement that means the child can still come home at weekends but often the child will come home every other weekend with that specific school, have you spoken to the school about this?? and I think the children are intended to stay their during the holidays, although I am not completely sure, it may be worth you checking with the school.
Good luck for tomorrow
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Thanks for the reply's and J's mum for your pm's. I will continue to fight for residential placement for son, whilst I have solicitor and barrister still helping me all the way I can't give up and whilst his placement is failing I can't give up, thanks again
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Bid I'm not saying these points are for everyone to consider just that many of them would work much better with my child than many other approaches I have used and school have used in the past. If my son is in meltdown it is pointless me trying to get my point across to him, I need to wait till he has started to calm before he is able to listen and it is pointless me trying to hold him as this will then make him want to fight against me, I have used hold in a hug way and in a restraint way with my son and it didn't work but I do know what you are saying and that for some children who are out of control a gentle holding would be better and comforting for them as well as providing safety. I do not agree with all of the points but some of them I do plus I also think you have to take the individual child into account when using them, a one fit approach doesn't work and also something which didn't work when the child is 5 or 6 may work well when they are 9 or 10.
With regards to that site I also found that some of the techniques/ advice sheets they have written will work and be beneficial for autistic children for example traffic light system and the weather and communication information sheet.
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Lou lou just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. Your story is as much a joke as mine is, it's just stupid how s/s are allowed to do this and get away with it. I really don't have any advice for you at all but keep your solicitor up to date with everything that is happening and write a diary if you can get the time.
Social services are offering this because it is a cheaper option, no other reason, juts that it is cheaper for them.
Keep us up to date with what happens, one thing I would suggest and it is also what I done recently, can you prepare a report before the meeting to show that all the other options have not been working and why residential would, also with copies of reports from independent professionals and the school and make a copy for everyone who is to sit on the panel to read before that meeting, even if they just flick through it during the meeting. I think this then shows all the professionals that it's a long term problem not something which is going to just go away by a new family. One thing I realised with social services is that often their prepared reports do not include all the details, the people on the panel as you have said do not know you, Kai or your family, let them know you, your family and everything that has been tried in the past, do not allow them to just have a one sided report from people who do not know you and very little about autism, give them something to read to show that his problems can only be helped by a specialist school placement.
Thinking of you Lou, take care
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Yes, in my son's 2nd mainstream setting he was excluded, on his integration meeting after the exclusion things got bad, he was involved in the meeting and that was when they permanently excluded him. I appealed to the school governors and lost. I then appealed to the independent panel and won, although I did state my son would not go back to that school.
The panel concluded that he shouldn't have been excluded in the first instance, that the school had previous correspondence from our out-reach team by way of risk assessments and behaviour programmes prior to son starting the school that son would react badly to threats. The TA made a threat to him to which he reacted badly too. It wasn't really the TA's fault, she used an approach that many teachers and TA's may use with a child, unfortunately it was the wrong one for my son.
If you go to the school governors and appeal and they agree with the schools decision it is definitely worth appealing to an independent panel if you feel that the exclusion isn't fair. Occasionally the governors do side with the schools so if you are willing to challenge it then go for it. What I would say though is make sure you have evidence to show how the school could of reacted differently to the way they did react and if the school were aware your child would react in that way also what support could of been put in place to support the child.
Good luck
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My son continually broke the doors in my home and the frames where he would slam the doors or put his foot through them in a rage, he's 10 now but sometimes I would get him to help me repair them, fill the holes back in, sand them down and paint over, not as soon as he had done it cos he was still angry then, but once he had a chance to calm down and when I had calmed too. This seemed to be a good consequence for his behaviour and whilst doing it we would talk through what caused the out-burst and ways he and I could of managed things differently. If he breaks his toys he has to wait until b'day or x-mas to get a replacement, I wont go out and replace things for him. He regularly loses the use of his bike for things like coming in late from play or going somewhere he shouldn't have been but again the consequences are related to him and seem to work for him to some extent. You have to find what works for your child and it may be better starting of a list with your child as to what he can do when he is feeling angry, for example find a safe place to go, shout/scream into a pillow, write his feelings on paper, jump on trampoline etc
Recently I have read a book called the explosive child and it has opened up a whole new world for me, the approaches I would use before would be counter productive and sometimes I would be the reason why he would be exploding, since reading this book I am trying to change my ways and with this we are experiencing less out-bursts, you can buy a copy from e-bay/amazon.
Wish you lots of luck, my son used to be very aggressive and would completely destroy my home but he has got much better, he still occasionally breaks things but from what I experienced two years ago with him to now he's got better, maybe age I don't know
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Just reading through the website now....very good and infomative .....
I particulary like this and may even print it, laminate and stick it to kitchen cupboard and also give to staff at son's school.
WHAT YOU CAN DO TO HELP - WITHIN THE FIRST 20 SECONDS
1. Speak to us and tell us firmly and in a single word that we are getting out of control.
2. DON'T TOUCH US!!!!!! Touch puts us into even more overload.
3. Don't give us a lecture - we can't HEAR.
4. Leave us alone, let US have the last word.
5. LET US RUN, if necessary, out of the door, upstairs to the bedroom or to lock ourselves in the bathroom.
6. When we emerge SAY NOTHING about it, ignore us when we reappear, we are probably a bit sulky still so let us be. We will communicate with YOU when we are ready.
WHAT CAN THE TEACHER IN THE CLASSROOM DO?
1 Don't Panic. Speak clearly and firmly - just one word is best.
2 Distract the jellybean with something that they are good at. SUBTLY
3 Remove the jellybean from the classroom with one adult to a quieter more private area.
4 Allow the child to STIM and don't crowd them, just be kind and keep them SAFE.
5 Allow the child to let off steam physically, allow them to RUN and run and run, the playground being preferable to the school car park.
6 Reassure and stay in the background. The child will wind down.
7 Don't threaten with anyone or anything.
Finally on Tsunamis, DON'T TOUCH. Unless you are invited to, try and avoid the temptation of hugging a distressed jellybean, even when you think its safe, it MAY NOT BE!
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<'> <'> Stella your son sounds very much like mine!! I'm sorry your meeting didn't go to plan, if you were at the meeting yourself would it be possible for you to write your account of what was discussed and then cc a copy of that letter to everyone who was meant to be at that meeting and ask for another meeting so that everyone can give their view. It always used to be the way with many of the multi-agency meetings which have been held for my son that the main supportive people of a residential placement for my son were never invited to attend the meetings, then when I recieved the minutes from the meetings, the wording was always selective as to what was put in them, lol. Very very sneaky indeed, but it does get tiring having to write everything down and often at meetings even I forget to take a pen along and take my own notes, you can of course always request at the begining of a meeting to take in a recording device and say you will send them a recording of the meeting, which is very handy if you find at meetings you tend to get bullied.
It does sound like the youth justice people are quite good though so keep them on side.
Enid good luck with your meeting, I hope for you things go well, remember to doccument things that are said and if need be take your son, i've had to take mine before. The social worker said before one meeting that it would go ahead without me, I replied no it wont so she said they would cancel it. This was 20 minutes before start time. I took him along and said my boyfriend would be along to look after him (little white lie!!) They found someone to look after him then about half way through he come into the meeting, it was actually quite good as he was able to say what he liked didn't like, but again none of it was doccumented.
Keep going for what you feel is the right placement, but do not get your hopes up, i've found that s/s have so many times got my hopes up by saying they were holding this meeting and that kind of meeting and going along with me that if education said he needed a resi placement they would support it, then they dash my hopes by offering me a children's home, just when I think they are begining to support a resi placement. Good luck for the meeting
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I really don't want to offend anyone as I write this but it's something that just keeps bubbling up inside me and I feel myself nearly wanting to explode. I'm going to try and get out what i want to say as I just feel I need to talk to others about my experience, their experiences as I know I am definitely not the only person whose child may experience difficulties within the education system.
As many of you may be aware I have been trying for several years to get my child into a residential specialist ASD school after the failure of two mainstream settings, currently he is in a ebd day school which the tribunal agreed was the correct placement for him. The first tribunal agreed it was the correct placement for him as my chosen school at the time did not have an appropriate peer group for him plus the tribunal didn't conclude he had an asd and needed a school placement for children with asd, however the school I wanted did meet the needs of children with ADHD/ASD/PDA etc but this school primarily catered for children with mod learning difficulties of which my son doesn't have so tribunal agreed his needs would be met in local day school. I went back to tribunal because they failed to put in his therapy needs which were documented in reports and the hope they would re-open up the original tribunal as they got a lot of things wrong. At the 2nd tribunal they only looked at part 2 and acted on it.
We now have a statement which has included his therapy needs, makes reference to his diagnosis but still isn't working.
My son is into his 2nd year at this school, on the first term back this year he only attended school for 6 full days, the rest of it was refusing to attend and then a part time reintegration programme on the advice of our autistic out-reach specialist, on the last week of last term he was attending 11.30-3pm this term school decided to start him back at 9am (not the advice of the autistic specialist), he went in the first day, was restrained 6 times in one day the first restraint was during a maths lesson where he refused to work, was then threatened with an hr's detention after school so run off and locked himself in the toilet. The day just got worse. He ended up doing his detention and when I collected him he told me had had been held for most of the time, the information sheets I got states he was held twice during it for 5-6 minutes each time. Following on from Monday he only went back to school Friday and that was at lunch time.
When he first started the school he was restrained many times, in the end the school on my instruction said they would not restrain unless absolutely necessary as they found they couldn't get near him without him running off as he didn't trust that they would not just try and grab him, restraint on my son made him worse, a lot worse. So half way through the year they hardly never restrained him, they worked with me on suggestions about detention as it makes him anxious about going to school especially if they think he has to do it the next day. However this year they seem to be going back to their old ways, they think it's worked for the other children and will work for son, but all it's doing is make him school refuse.
This school in my opinion is really not meeting his needs, sometimes when in school he is either completely engaged in learning, co-operative or the complete opposite, running out of school, being disruptive in school or completely refusing to go. The therapists find it hard to work with him, either again co-operative to a certain extent when he's not feeling under pressure or not and if you look deep enough into the times he is co-operative it's when he feels he can do the work ok, the times he refuses it's cos he doesn't understand, he told the out-reach autistic worker that if he is struggling he will not ask for help.
At home he is being a pain, when things are on his term he's nice, friendly co-operative but when I try to set limits i.e. staying in time, not playing out, bath time, brush teeth time etc etc he is hard work. He is not damaging the home as much but when he is in a rage usually out of frustration at not being able to have his own way he does damage my property.
Out in the community he is getting into all sort of trouble, he plays with children around the same age as him but children who appear to have no boundaries, he doesn't see when they are bullying him or he does but he still plays with them, he's been recently caught shoplifting but doesn't seem to learn from it. I am seriously concerned for his future. He is meant to have regular foster care for holidays (after a huge battle to get it)but refuses to go, refuses to go out with his dad on weekends when he's meant to and it's not cos he wants to be with me he just wants to be with his friends.
Today he has refused to go with his dad and I desperately needed some time away from him so I locked all the doors and stated if he wasn't going to go with his dad he could stay in with me as a consequence, so he's climbed out of a window. I can't keep him in, he will find a way out and this is something I am hoping having an occupational therapist will give me some advice over (he's very clever and works out how to break the locks!!)
I really don't know what to do anymore, s/s have agreed to direct payments so they are doing what they should, school are saying when he's at school they are meeting his needs but even when he is in they are not documenting the times he has left the school grounds.
Now this is the bit I struggle with, I can go back to tribunal but I just don't know if I can take much more of it, I feel like maybe he should be in this school (even though I know it's not right). I have been to two tribunal cases and had 2 high court cases surely if he wasn't meant to be there it would of been decided by now. Everyday he goes to school they say they meet his needs, everyday he spends at home they don't seem to care, every meeting that is held education say that it's being dealt with by SENDIST, the case is still continuing. Nobody will do anything about his continuing school refusal.
I know nobody on this site has had a special school placement given to them on a plate and we have all had to face challenges to get it but I think because my son does have a school placement maybe that's all the system thinks about, is that he is in a school. I also think that cos we have so far fought this hard and still not got there then maybe people think he just doesn't require a specialist residential school (I know my social worker has that view) maybe I should give it longer and eventually this school will start to work (I have huge doubts).
Sorry for my ramblings, I just don't know what to do anymore, keep fighting or give up. If I give up though I worry I am giving up on my son having a proper future.
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I am absolutely livid for you and disgusted that they have done this
hugs to you and you son <'> <'> <'> .Have you thought about writing to the governors of the school too? It makes me so mad, your child needs to have time with other peers and his friend. Hope you get it sorted and ASAP
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We tend to buy our own and let them off and have a few friends round, that way if it gets too much son can watch them from his bedroom window, son really loves them though and begs us to buy some everyear and he loves the excitement of them and having friends over, a few years ago he wouldn't entertain the idea so he has got better in that respect.
Quick message to everyone to stay safe tomorrow
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Yes it annoys the hell out of me too, and if they don't do a spell check before sending off a document and if they refer to you the parent as "SHE" repeatedly in a document. This has happened with me recently and at the mo' I have ignored it but should it happen again maybe I wont. Another thing is our CAHMS guy writes notes which are so tiny I can't even read them and his writing is pretty damn hard to read, I have pointed it out to him on numerous occasions bit it's hard to get the balance right of pointing it out to him in a way that is not completely critical but so that he understands his writing doesn't make sense, think of gp's writing and you get the picture!!
I should also add that some comments I may make on these boards may not make sense and I do not always spell check as i'm in a rush but for important letters/documents I always try to before sending.
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Listening to music, however, sometimes even that can have the opposite effect
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Gosh I used to experience similar and I think now I have realised that many a time when my son does it it's because he is trying to filter out other sounds especially when in supermarkets Lol, when my son was much smaller I tried to teach him level of volume when talking with 1 being a whisper and 5 shouting and would repeatdly say to him "I am talking in a no' 3 you are talking in a no' 5 can you try and talk in a number 2 no' 2 sounds like this" etc etc, with lots of reminders throughout the day and lots of praise when talking appropiatly. It did work to some extent with him and he talks much quiter now, even mumbles under his breath which I find annoying!! But it definatly worked, must say though it was something which took years of doing but he get there in the end!!
If your child is shouting to filter out noise could he/she perhaps have story books or music to listen on headphones to listen to whilst in noisy enviroments, this may help to filter out the noise and calm him.
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I would say a visual time-table is probably the best way of dealing with what happens next a board with visual pictures so that the sequencing is clear in his head, he could then take of the picture after each thing has been done so that he know's what is happening next. This doesn't have to be an expensive board just photo-copy some pictures, laminate then and stick some velcro on the back. I used a visual time-table with my son when he was younger and it certainly helped alot
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We have got a wii and tbh it has helped my son alot to learn to share and lose a game, but 2 year's ago it could of frustrated him, children can play it on their own and with others, we find for family use wii sports to be one of the best games, they all share it very easily as you have your own wii person and I think it does help to teach sharing, as for losing, my girl NT is a bad loser so we do have some problems with her but she's getting better.
If you can persevere with it then I think it would be great
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Pingu my thoughts are with you and your family at this time, my heart goes out to you and your children. Thinking of you, take care
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Fantastic news and a big well done to you
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I have been with someone for 3 years now and he comes over most nights but stays at his own place 2 or 3 nights a week, he says he likes his own space but I think there's more to that excuse than meets the eye!!
It is nice having someone around but I still feel most of the time I am like a single parent and trying to manage by myself. Luckily my kids go to their dad's every other weekend overnight and the weekends in between on a Sunday, without this support I do not feel like I could cope at all, but dad very rarely helps when things are really bad and I can not count on him to attend any meetings or help during the holidays. I do have family who will help on a crisis.
I think the most important things is if you are on your own to try and get some time away from your children, even if it's juts a few hours break where you do what you want to do and try to build up a support network around you, not always easy.
When I was with my children's father we had very different parenting ideas which is partly why we broke up, my son couldn't breathe if dad was around and I think this was partly cos he was an only child whereby I was one of 5, dad also worked away when son was a baby till about 3 and a half so I struggled that time alone with two small children, living away from family, it was hard work, but many a time it was easier that dad was only home at weekends.
I think being a parent is hard. Hugs to you,
<'> <'> would I want to be a singel parent again.....probably not!! -
I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through at the moment it must be very hard for you, my son has bruises on his face from punching himself so many times the other day just cos I wouldn't allow him to play out after 7pm it's awful when they get so angry they do this to themselves.
I was told Strattera usually takes about 6-8 weeks to start working effectively and when my son was taking it I found that when he was calmer he was quite calm but if he did explode it was a lot worse than normal lasting a lot longer too, almost as if he was out of control, eventually he started to refuse to take it and so we stopped it, but it was done gradually, the few weeks after his behaviour was awful but then it started to seem better.
Has your son explained to you why he doesn't want to take it, could it be as I wondered with my son if it did make him feel strange and angrier or out of control when he got angrier, could it be an age thing and that your son doesn't want to be taking medication?
I would definitely talk to CAHMS about it but also see if your son can explain to you why he doesn't want to take it, my son could never tell me and still doesn't now he just says he hates taking it, yet he's fine with taking his melatonin and clonodine at night to help him sleep.
I hope you get some answers and that the neighbour is ok and that your child is ok now, hugs to you
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I wonder if this could be made a sticky at all? it seems that there are more and more children being diagnosed with this condition and it seems there are many children whose parents are told ASD but parents seem to think hmmmmmmmm is it something else and if the information was more easy to find on this site it may help people as this site is often one of the first people may stumble across if they are told their child has an ASD diagnosis.
What do you think Admin?
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We definitely give them a call and ask if your son can be put on a cancellation waiting list. 12 months does seem a bit long and it is definatly worth pushing for them to see your child.
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Wish us luck
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Claire hope today went well and is going well for you, sending you loads of luck. I hope ds loves his new school
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