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Feel scared incase sister finds out fingers crossed she don't cause loose everything I fight for! Reason why I breathe! Without both of them I'm nothing! XKLX

I've been SO STUPID why am I so wreckless?! X feel so bad guilty as feel like always caught up tripped up! X

I'm worried to go into "too much detail" all goes horribly wrong bang that is it crash! ;(

Too risky! If my sisters finds out end of my whole world!

Something kept in my room my neice found may cost me dear -our relationship so scared I'll get found out! ;( so angry upset with myself I been given so many opportunities /chances with them I'm forever messing them up! XKLX

Haven't got a valentine don't believe in "this day" as such as I personally believe it more about spending quality time with close family and friends! - special people in your lives! Just doesn't count/mean as "partners" but hoping next year I'll have "real valentine" of my own - mine! As do get lonely lot! I going out for meal with my twin brother tonight as he split up with his girlfriend and already booked the meal at pub down the road from us! So cheer him up still going in her place! XKLX

But because still half term so time off work get to attend zumba class as normally at work when it is on! So great opportunity going take it up and my friend coming too!

Thinking of planning long weekend away )-sun newspaper hols with one of my best friends! (Friday-sun) going to get club entertainment passes so can access night life! Thinking of may time so give us enough time to save up! what do you think -good idea? XKLX

Reason why haven't been eating well is my auntie couldn't afford it! Hoping to get back to full capacity soon! Fingers X! Feeling weak!

And time of the month feel well sluggish! ;( so you think should leave gym alone for today? I'm going zumba class tomorrow! Because I haven't eaten for few days and haven't been up to anything really maybe that's reason feeling tired!

Day off from the gym should I? As been out of my 'home life routine' feeling really tired wiped out from being at my auntie's! XKLX

Takes me ages to move on...but will try! XKLX

I don't think comes down to "being selfish" found it so hard to know what to say or do for the best now empathise with what living with half depressive person what living nightmare/hell it can really entail! Scared me to say the least didn't where to begin to unravel the depressive state my auntie explained how bad things are /situations are for her how they been ... It broke me down ripped me to shreds now got to get back myself as really feel 'unbalanced' 'unstable' from the whole situation left me shaken to the core feel like I now have to check up on her be responsible for 'looking after her' bit of role reserval! -her being neice and I'm the auntie! XKLX

I take herbal sleeping tabs - valerian and hops and works for me helps me "naturally drift off" instead of fight/battle toss and turn drives me crazy as can't seem to rest either body and mind also have a eye cover this seems also work shut out all "natural source of light" and like you I do possess ears plugs to shut out unwanted noises! Also lavender helps calm relax my whole body which helps mind! ( I know lavender either love it or hate it! Either works or doesn't!) I always had a "issue" which 'switching off' thoughts that over ride! I've also stopped watching TV in bedroom so much and stop caffeine intake often instead now have apple tea or milky hot chocolate instead! XKLX

I'm home sweet home can beat home comforts! My auntie said after talking to my parents for advice over her situation that going to seek legal advice to make action plan put her house up for sale!makes me grateful for my home,parents and realise the 'knock on effect' of depression even If for few days it starts effecting others! XKLX

Never been so damn pleased and glad I'm going home just been staring at four walls feeling trapped isolated made me feel so much worse -horrid,awful situation /experience felt so out of reach and my total control tried to "help" my auntie by giving advice but she don't want to listen by her defensive attitude stinks think she same with her close friends so hard to watch and do nothing but she ain't letting you in so what do you do really?! Feel so helpless, ate two proper home cooked meals in five days I've been here rest been little hit and miss crips and toast!

I sound so ungrateful really which is bad just not turned out way I'd hoped for the best! yes my parents know near enough 'everything' extent of depressive situatuon my auntie in explained and described! Mum offered my auntie stay overnight tonight after dropping me back home but my auntie won't have any of it! She rejecting everyone around her by "making up excuses" as easier for her to explain away!

*have been so bored out of my head just for something to pass the time I cleaned (hoovered 'n' dusted,polished) three storey town house top to bottom! Felt so restless be back get back to 'normal routine' at home totally thrown me "off track" really could do without this happening right now!

Lynda -lou feel like put in awakard uncomfortable situation (cringe) as felt like she more interested and enjoyed watching TV than having me here! Just feel like could done that same thing at home (watch TV!) In bed early don't know what to do or say! All her close best friends even her one next door who used pop in every day don't anymore! Sounds cruel felt like time wasted! So haven't had energy to focus on being selfish re-charging my "batteries" my auntie so "wrapped up" in her own issues and situation that having me here too much -overwhelming for her didn't think she really thought it through enough! Would be nice girlie shopping spree looking round shops not even buying I know depression taking over literally "everything" she ain't got energy to do anything tired all time she said seen her doctor which signed her off work for two weeks think telling people she was retired was 'cover story' hide it as she embarrassed she confided in me an awful lot now going to be constantly worrying/stressing over her all time! never been so glad be going home feel bad guilty even saying that! But been counting down days to go home! ;(

Feeling REALLY disappointed at staying @ my auntie's what let down it has been since friday afternoon been to nando's after train station and been food shop @ sainburys and cinema today and macdonald's haven't done ANYTHING! Been TOTALLY BORED! Even done whole three storey town house -hoovering and dusting ,polishing top to bottom! My auntie's been REALLY in bad way emotionally/mentally don't think she should have agreed for me to come down for few days she wants her own company tried to "open" her up lot more but she closes and shuts down!! Been so difficult to keep 'upbeat' has helped me broke down in tears felt awful hope it would 'help' me a few days away from home but done the opposite! I thought it would 'help' us both she isn't receptive to 'help' right now she withdrawn , not eating right/properly or sleeping well and isolating herself have wanted to go home from friday afternoon! Don't know if I should attempt try this situation again sometime! Put myself through 'this' been sobbing down phone to parents made me feel 'more homesick' just ruined whole excitedness of everything! Feel so bad guilty! I feel weak in myself and glad tomorrow is finally "home time" when counting down days to come here scared /worried my auntie on road to harsh fall of either breakdown she pushing everyone away (friends and family) gave up her P/T job @ M 'n' S now sits at home all day dwelling over money issues her failed marriage situation she continues to fall apart - weaken I've been texting best friend she thinks my auntie was selfish considering my current mental health state (emergency crisis situation) I know she probably doesn't even "realise" due to her "depressive state" so trying to be empathic but struggling just keep bursting into tears glad I didn't stay a whole week and just a few days! I needed this few days away but hasn't worked failed deffo miserably! ;( XKLX

I think my auntie on downhill spiral to crash course to a breakdown she aint leaving the house (isolated and withdrawn) it awful to watch so hard/difficult! she seems to be hiding from the world hopefully in time she will 'get there' fingers crossed! She got three storey town house so rattling round lost! She broke having to sell items on ebay to earn some cash she in debt anyways due to my uncle's business went bankrupt and the house is on that! It's all such mess! She don't know where to start and begin! ;( I'm trying my effort pull herself out!

Could you not put him on strap so he still with you as such but he feels independent as such? XKLX

Been total BORED today watching spurs play round neighbours today as my auntie avid spurs fan! My auntie on about going cinema one night!

We going to my nan and grandad's grave in essex maybe tuesday if weather ok! So that good plan and going out to lunch with two of her friends one lunch time (one of the ladies used to be my nan's hairdresser!)

I'm here safe and sound @ my auntie's just watching TV! Been to Nando's for lunch got an earlier train got 2.00pm instead of 2.30pm didn't forget my suitcase leave it on the train! That's a bonus! Lol