Lyndalou
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Posts posted by Lyndalou
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I've had a bit of a weird day today. For many months my mental health has been poor and I have started exploring the possibility I have C-PTSD. As I've come to a crossroads, I decided to start seeing a counsellor and I had my first meeting with her this morning. So, I told her a lot about the various difficulties I have and have had and detailed a lot of the emotional and psychological abuse inflicted by people I trusted (way back in the day) within a church environment. A few days ago, I stumbled on information which described what I have experienced and it has a term - Church Abuse - who would have known? Anyway, the jist being that I thought I had come to terms with everything and it's likely I have not! And...my counsellor said to me that she could really understand what I was talking about because her background was similar...how often does that happen? Then, I had arranged to see my friend I have known for 4 years. We've spoken a lot about various things but with my trust issues, this topic has never been discussed before. She contacted me because I hadn't seen her for a while as I'm not going out of my way to see anyone really right now and told me she was there to talk. So, I told her where I'm at at the moment and when I'd finished I said that I had no idea what she would be thinking. She said, I've got something to tell you and went on to tell me her own church abuse story. How often does that happen?
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Mike, I do think I've put my hubby through a lot, certainly since the kids came along and over the last couple of years in particular. However, 'for better, for worse' is at the core of marriage vows for a reason. Relationships have good times and they have bad and if you are in it for the long haul you shouldn't expect everything to be wonderful all the time. To be frank, I doubt many relationships are like that at all and if people say they are then they are likely not telling the truth. I think what most people aim for is 'balance' and a certain degree of synchronicity and I think a well-balanced relationship is a more achievable goal than even a half-way 'perfect' one.
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If I get interrupted, I often start off again from the point I was interrupted. I try not to make it obvious if I can, depending on the situation. I might add something in before I go back to the original topic of conversation. There are times when I totally lose track of what I was saying altogether though. It is similar to when I go upstairs and when I get there I can't remember my reasons for going up the stairs. Is this connected to dyscalculia then?
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Hi Nimz
Welcome to the forum. Hope you enjoy your time here.
Lynda
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Hi Skaro
Hello and welcome to the forum.
Lynda
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Do you think that this way of communicating would change any if he didn't feel under pressure to explain why he wants something? Could his siblings find other ways to ask their brother his reasons for asking for particular things? I just wonder if, like you say, this has been the trigger to the way he is now asking for what he'd like. I know it's a bit different but in the same ballpark but when my son thinks I'm going to say 'No' to his request for something he does something similar to this...he speaks in a kind of 'staccato', making his words all clipped.
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My son LOVES reading at bedtime. We have read books to both kids from under a year old and both have loved to turn the pages and choose the books they want to have read to them. When my son was younger, he used to prefer books with rhyme and we would read the same book over and over for weeks on end. He could recite entire books beginning to end by around 3 and a half years old using words that 'normally' he wouldn't be able to say or think to use even now at 5 years old as he has a speech disorder. I believe strongly that reading books has aided his speech development, has provided a way to bond and has helped across the board in his basic skills development. Now with his sister wanting to be with her brother at storytime when I am putting them to bed on my own when hubby is at work, it has been an opportunity to teach learning to share. The book of the moment is a Thomas book with 10 stories in it with 'highlighted' words that my son reads out loud. My son often wants his dad to read to him when he is home and he really looks forward to this time with his dad. Storytime is good on so many levels.
Thanks Antolak for posting. Very interesting
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Can you contact the council and say exactly what you have said here, in terms of the fact that the absences have all been authorised and have been for good reason? Are they talking about some kind of sanction due to low attendance? If so, this may be an opportunity to chase up the Educational Psychologist providing evidence that due to lack of proper support your little boy is being sent home from school etc.
It sounds very frustrating especially as you are doing everything that is within your power to do. I would phone up the council then follow up with a letter to the person you speak to.
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Do you have to go into secondary teaching after this? What about adult education or Special Ed teaching?
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It really sounds like you need to take a break to take stock. Your health comes first and there is no point in burning yourself into the ground. Sometimes it's best to trust your instincts but depression can skew your judgement too. You need to be honest about how you are feeling so you can figure out the best way forward.
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Hi amberzak
If you are feeling this low, are you able to negotiate a break in your training to get your head together a bit? It does sound like you are really not coping and when you are very depressed you can feel quite hopeless and that you are a failure. You have to remember that this is the depression talking and that when you feel more positive you will not have these feelings as strongly or even not at all. Seriously, I've been there (and am there now to an extent) and the way I describe it is like I am clawing my way up from the bottom of a deep pit. These days, I imagine that I am looking up towards the light and it's very far away to begin with but as I climb I start to have more hope in making it to the top but it's very very tough. Get all the support you can. Try to be as honest as you can with your hubby and with your mentors. Sometimes, medication can help get you to a point where you can start to see the light and sometimes a complete break to focus on looking after yourself without all the usual stresses will be the best route to take. Try not to act too hastily about the teacher training. You have put in a lot of time and effort and in the future you will see how it's paid off. I almost jacked in my 4th year at Art College because I couldn't get it together but somehow I made it through. You can too.
Take care, Lynda
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Hi Bianca
Welcome to the forum. I've just edited your post as it's best not to give to much information on an open forum that is identifiable for safety reasons.
Lynda
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Hi Flower1983
I wonder if there is some connection between him drinking more and having accidents at night? My son is not fully toilet-trained at 5. He has a fear of going to the toilet to do a poo and although he is dry most of the time at night now he is still in overnight training pants. We need to take the bull by the horns and get him out of those,but that's another matter!
I push fluids through the day. He can ask for drinks but then get engrossed in doing something and forget about it. However, around a year ago we were having a lot of problems with him filling his overnight trainers and then the overspilling then soaked his bottoms and sheet and often as he had wrapped his legs around his duvet, it had to be stripped too. So, I started being strict about when he stopped getting drinks and tried to make sure he didn't drink past dinnertime although he got a lot of drinks up until then. This was only to ensure he didn't 'flood' in the night. I think a mixture of this and now better bladder control has got us to where we are now. Dribbling may be a bit different though with your son. Has he been checked for a urine infection for instance? Does he pee right before bed? Or is it possible he's having 'wet' dreams?
If there is an 'embarrassment' issue with friends staying over, I would recommend the trainers which go up to his age short-term anyway. They are very tightly fitting and if he has a long pj top on then no-one would see he was wearing them.
Lynda
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I don't know what else to suggest other than what you've already tried apart from contacting a Disability Rights organisation? Also, there is an MP local to me who often brings up disability rights issues in the Commons who is disabled herself - Anne Begg - is there anyone else like this your MP could liaise with?
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Really glad to hear that the MP is working so proactively on your behalf and hope resolution can be reached very soon. It is appalling that you have been treated in the way you have been and if there are people out there (including you) out there who are being penalised for speaking up and questioning decisions made about their benefits I hope that this MP can use his influence to get to the bottom of it all and close whatever loopholes allow this to happen.
Are you still unable to get a crisis loan? Is there anyone to help you with food and bills meantime? Would there be any of those food co-ops local to you (for people who find themselves in crisis) where you could get food from?
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I totally agree with you Positive_about. What is not so clear is what consequences the NT partner would face if the said marriage was (following the AS diagnosis) then deemed inappropriate in my example above. Would the NT partner be threatened with jail if they continued to remain in the relationship? Would they be allowed to remain married or would they be forced to divorce?
You're right Lyndalou - there have been some worrying developments which appear to be moving towards a situation where those on the spectrum are discouraged from choosing to enter into relationships on the grounds of them being 'unadvisable'. I'm raising this issue out of increasing confusion in this area. Information is key in any situation and this is one area where information is not very forthcoming and it is very vexing.
What I was trying to get over is that there are these schools of thought but I would hope that as more and more adults come forward and can share their stories that we can disprove much of the 'accepted' view of AS/NT marriage (in some quarters). I read an article written by experts involved in Autism Research in the US published not too long ago. They stated that by virtue of the difficulties experienced by the person with AS that they were completely incapable of entering into a relationship. One 'expert' stated they only knew of one ill-fated AS marriage. Then, the flip side of the coin we have experts expounding on the belief that AS people enter into marriage willy-nilly and cause untold emotional damage due to their complete inability to 'connect', 'empathise' or 'communicate'. Do you know what I say? Make your minds up! The fact that some people are just ignorant, selfish or abusive is a fact of life. Watch Jeremy Kyle any morning and a whole spectrum of dysfunctional, pathological and bizarre individuals who give no thought to the impact they are having on their offspring or partners will be paraded in front of you. Do they get their children forcibly removed or are they made to separate by higher authorities? In many cases, it would appear not even though they are causing psychological distress. As Positive_about said, if people were forced to separate or threatened with being jailed for entering into a relationship just because their partner or they had (diagnosed) AS, it would be discrimanatory and against their human rights...Right to Family Life etc. There are likely cases where uneducated professionals hear 'Aspergers Syndrome' and automatically make assumptions that any problems with a relationship or parenting difficulties and down to this and may make decisions based on their skewed understanding of what AS (not forgetting that everyone 'presents' differently and everyone gets to where they are carrying different life experiences) is. However, I reiterate that separating people forcibly would be against Human Rights.
Of course, these are just my thoughts.
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This is a person who in simple terms is known as a 'user'. Personally, I would distance myself from someone like this as much as possible and make no effort to keep in touch. I've known a couple of people like this and they were not good for my health. I tied myself in knots trying to figure out if I was being used or if I was just being too hard on the person. If you get so stressed and upset about being financially and emotionally abused and being harrassed about keeping money that is rightfully yours, there is a reason for it....this person and his girlfirend are not nice people and they will carry on doing it if they having a meal ticket and access to money for their dope. If they want to spend all their money on drugs then that is THEIR business but if they want to spend YOUR money on drugs then it is YOUR business. Kick them to the kerb. Don't answer their texts and even change your number if you need to. DO NOT give them any more money. If they keep giving you hassle then report them.
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Why would someone with autism be deemed inappropriate to be married? They are people, they have a right to be married, just as disabled people do. There are plenty of NT people probably unfit to be married but are allowed to be married (eg. domestic abusers) without risk of external agents. There maybe relatives or professionals who worry about an individuals ability to cope with marriage, or any level of relationship, but thats different and understandable - they may be vulnerable and at risk of abuse etc. If there professionals out there trying to steer autistic people away from relationships, or actively trying to break them up then that's abuse and they should be reported.
Each person with autism will have a set of traits that may, or may not, make relationships difficult - this doesn't mean they should be blamed for relationships failing, plenty of NT-NT relationships fail so this nothing specific to autistic people. Having autism does mean having to work at relationships more, and an NT partner would have to help and support them more than an NT person. Starting and maintaining relationships are skills for autistic people to develop, therefore they need to try at them - not be forced into isolation because they may not cope in a relationship.
Relationships are challenging, and expose weaknesses and strengths on both sides - its important to be aware of these and try and make the best of things, getting positive support from wherever you can. Don't accept negative support/advice.
About 10 years ago I was told by a support worker that I 'desired the one thing I couldn't have', by trying to find a girlfriend. This crushed me, and I ended up convincing myself he was right - so later when I tried I found it really difficult to get passed that barrier. Some professionals need to be aware they can say/do things that can really affect autistic people for many years to come, or the rest of their lives.
I'm now engaged to my partner, who may be on the spectrum, and whilst we both have our difficulties, we are trying to work things through and keep our relationship alive and kicking. We've both had bad marriages before and been divorced, so we know how not to do things - now we are learning how to do things right.
Well stated Positive_about. I would put to the back of your mind what anyone else would think 'looking into' your relationship and just concentrate on finding a partner who is suitable for you and complements you. I was never married before meeting my husband but I had a few relationships which were not very healthy and I often settled for people who I had little (or nothing) in common with just because they wanted to be with me. Think about all the positive things you can bring to a relationship so that you can go into a 'date' situation as an attractive and interesting person. If you go into the situation just thinking that you are meeting someone for a bite to eat and (hopefully) some good conversation instead of pinning all your hopes on the person you are meeting being a potential 'The One' then you will be less disappointed if they don't want a second date. The best way to attract the wrong type of person is to project that you don't like yourself or have a very poor opinion of what you can contribute to a relationship; ie. if you have a date where you constantly apologise for your 'faults' then the person will either run a mile or believe you are someone they could walk all over!
Relationships are not easy but if they are right then they are worth fighting for. You can't predict how things will turn out and what kind of a relationship you will have at the beginning and crises can happen at any time and this has a major impact on how people relate to each other. Children too can cause a huge strain between couples because then you bring other human beings with all their needs and personalities and disagreements about parenting into the mix.
My husband and I met through telephone dating. It's not for everyone but any variation on the theme I think is worth considering. It's a lot easier to 'cut to the chase', past all the peacocking and usual starting points like when you meet someone completely from scratch.
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FAAAS - Yep! that's the type of thing I was referring to...
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Hi Mike
I'm not sure if there is a great lot and imo there is an awful lot of negative information on the internet about people in relationships with partners who have AS. Reading some of this information, often written by 'experts' in the field has made me feel quite upset as it often 'blames' the AS partner for any problems in the relationship so I try not to read too much of it any more. I'm not saying that I don't agree that some AS/NT relationships are abusive or destructive (as any relationship can be) but what I can't accept is that this is the unchallenged 'template' of what a relationship on the spectrum is like.
However, my husband bought and read '22 Things a Woman with Aspergers wants her Partner to know' by Rudy Simone and it was very easy to read...nothing too heavy. This is the 'companion' book to '22 Things a Woman must know if she loves and Man with Aspergers' which I haven't read but has decent reviews.
After reading a lot of stuff written by 'experts' about how bad Aspergers parents can be too, it was nice the other day to read comments by Tony Attwood saying that we mums can do a great job and make very good parents...
Are you asking from a personal standpoint? My husband has a lot of 'traits' and he says this himself too. This probably means that we can rub along together easier than I was with a completely 'typical' man. We are a bit unconventional in that both of us take trips away from the home on our own and often we sit in silence in the evening doing our own thing! He is willing (and happy) to do some of the 'woman' stuff like cooking and changing nappies (not so happy
) while I do bits of DIY and take junk to the dump. When we met, we agreed that our relationship would only work if we were totally honest with each other and kept talking to each other so even though at times it's excruciatingly hard and we hear uncomfortable things, this so far has worked for us.Lynda
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I like the idea of sitting in a bed of cushions - cosy! However, 2 duvets would make me totally claustrophobic
. I loved my 'dens' as a kid too...I had one behind a big bush in the garden - I thought no-one could see me there as it was so secluded but my mum could keep watch on me from an upstairs window 
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Hi Echo
I've just gone and bought a bunch of sensory stuff including a sensory tent for my son and I intend to make use of it myself when he's not about! I wouldn't have considered this type of thing if I hadn't been taken into a sensory room when I had OT therapy and I was very taken aback as to how mega-chilled I felt watching (and listening to) bubble tubes and watching lights slowly changing colour! I've since been in a smaller sensory room a couple of times with my son and again, found it very relaxing! You don't have to go down the road of getting expensive equipment - you can just make a little 'den' out of sheets or blankets but I've chosen to get a proper blackout sensory tent so that it's got more of a 'cocoon' feel...
Lynda
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I must admit that I can't really remember a lot of what I was doing at 4 but things that sticks out in my mind was that I repeatedly did puzzles as a toddler (just like my son) and often I did them with picture side down, I had a spinning top (one of the ones that you push down on the top) and I used to love watching that and I was a precocious speaker who spoke clear sentences at the age of 18 months . There is a picture of me at a toddler group. It always puzzled me when I looked at the picture why I was 'separate' to the rest of the kids; in the picture I was standing and not smiling by the window while the other little girls were all bunched together smiling and looking at the camera. At school (I started school at 4), I was classed as a 'daydreamer' as I zoned out a lot and got into trouble for 'not paying attention' or 'disobedience' and I was reading 3 (children's) books a night on my own by the age of 5. By all accounts, I spent a lot of time 'gardening' outside of school at that age too on my own too and I remember being fascinated by worms. Not long after, I used to go digging for bait and fishing with my dad and I was very possessive of my time spent with him.
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Hi Nimz
As I explained to you in PM, posts can be edited for good reason, one of them to ensure the safety of our members as this is an open forum. Obviously, it is your own choice if you do not feel this applies to you.
Lynda