Lyndalou

Fingers and toes crossed you get the funding Sally! It sounds at least like a good short-term solution to give you a break and for your son to be somewhere he feels safe already.

t seems like this problem rules your life to a extent? The main difference between your relationship with food and mine appears to be that yours is fear based and mine was (is?) control based. Maybe however, the fear you have is some weird type of control too though? I like food. In fact, in many instances I love food. In the past though I was probably quite addicted to the 'empty' feeling you get when you've not eaten. I felt more in control the longer I went without eating. It also made me feel good to know that I kept my weight down and that I sometimes got compliments which boosted my self esteem. You're right though - the longer you go without eating it means that your stomach physically shrinks meaning that you cannot consume very much food without feeling full or over-full. In areas of the world where people live in starvation conditions, the very act of giving someone food when their body has been deprived of it for so long can kill the person instead of saving them. I am a little confused that you can consume so few calories and still be classed as overweight. Even 1000 calories is well under the recommended daily calorie intake for an average adult. Although 2000 calories (used to be?) is the average calorie intake for a female and 2500 calories for a male obviously if you are taller than the average this intake needs to be adjusted upwards and downwards if you are shorter than the average. However, you would need to be exceptionally short to get by on 750 to 1000 calories! I find it interesting that you can manage certain foods easier than others, namely junk food. The foods you mention have different textures and flavours so IS the root cause sensory? If you have struggled with how food feels in your mouth since childhood could there have been other reasons why you become so paralysed by the thought of eating? It must be so frustrating that no-one is taking this seriously. Is there any chance you could get referred to a dietician or an OT like Robert suggests? I would keep on with the shakes though they are not ideal but at least they are something. Do remember that vitamins are not absorbed into the body in pill form nearly as well as when they are taken into the body through food either but again if you are not getting the nutrients any other way then it's probably a good idea to do this. I wish I could think of some way you could start to enjoy eating....long shot.....have you considered hypnotherapy even? Take care, Lynda

It's little wonder that you feel the way you do Sally. I wonder if there are out-patient type treatments for OCD's of this nature - something for adults which could be tailored for children or even something actually designed for children? If your son actually acknowledges that his fears are irrational, surely this is a starting point. There must be in-patient treatments for children too but where they are I don't know. However, from what you say any time away from home may be detrimental? When I worked in advocacy, a colleague of mine worked with a young teen with anorexia who had been taken into an adult ward alongside very mentally ill older patients which was obviously totally unsuitable for her. The only facility for young teens which was felt to be suitable for her was about 250 miles away in the north of England and the girl did get a place there after a period of time. She went there under extreme duress but it was felt to be in her best interests by the adults involved. I know my colleague was arguing that the move would be extremely cruel and in fact any forced feeding regime was against the girl's human rights. My own personal view was that without the treatment the girl was likely to starve to death and although she would resent and even hate the adults involved for decisions made on her behalf, perhaps if she were to recover then her standpoint on the situation would possibly alter. I hope the Social Worker can help you come to some decision about the way forward.

Does the fear apply to liquids too? Or is it just something that you have to chew? You know yourself that you can't live on fresh air and if you are prone to becoming very depressed and are on medications it is essential you have the right nutrients going into your body. If you have a lack of energy you are simply going to experience mood swings and feel even worse! What happens to trigger this off? Is it an actual fear of food or the fear of putting on weight? Do you have a physical problem with your gagging reflex or is it simply the thought of food? I'm not a fan of thing like Slimfast shakes or other 'bulking' drinks but if a compromise between food and liquid means that your energy levels go up then you might be able to think better and ultimately start eating properly again. I know things are never that simple Darkshine but although I eat kind of ok now, I only ate one meal (if that) for many years and it probably didn't help my mental health any. I didn't eat at all at times when I was really down and the less I ate, the more difficult it was to eat although I never got to what you are describing. Take care. Lynda

Sally, this sounds so hard to deal with and must be very difficult for you to watch. My gut feeling is that the fears have taken over and some psychiatric intervention is necessary as soon as possible. It really sounds like it would be the lesser of two evils because if the fears are completely irrational then it doesn't matter how rationally you explain things to him the fear will override everything! It sounds like control issues gone completely haywire. I don't know exactly how OCD works but you've said in many threads about how difficult these last few years have been and maybe initially his compulsions have been a way of feeling in control and as the anxiety has increased, the need for control has increased and it's been a bit of a runaway train.... Perhaps if the anxiety can be substantially reduced he will 'listen' better to reason? Have his new school suggested anything? Are they working with him at school on his fears and compulsions? It sounds like the intervention needs to be approached in the same way by everyone involved. Sorry can't be much more constructive but wish you all the best. Lynda

I look at things that way that it's positive to make any kind of 'improvement' or 'progress' in your life. The fact that I can function much more 'normally' than I used to in situations I feel threatened in is such an improvement I think.... I think it's fair to say that running the group has really confirmed to me how difficult I find organising myself although I am much improved in this area. I suppose it's the clear realisation that it doesn't come naturally. I don't procrastinate like I used to (due to the fear of not doing things well enough), I can use the phone much more easily, my computer skills have improved greatly (honestly!!), I am more assertive and feel I have the right to ask for time to do things I need to do (unlike in the past when I wouldn't ask or felt guilty for asking or believed I was stupid for not being able to do things when 'other people can'), I record things better (although this is a tricky one which I really fluctuate on) and I do a little often to stop things piling up so I don't get too stressed out. The art of balling socks involves pairing the two socks together with heels facing the same way and the tops at the same height. The socks must be balled with the seams inside so when turned back out from the ball they are ready to wear. If the socks are ankle height then they will make a kind of egg shape. If the socks are long then they must be doubled over once before they are balled to produce a larger egg shape. The toes must remain inside the ball.

I'm just wondering about people's views on covert versus overt bullying. I've experienced both throughout my lifetime and I think it would be safe to say that the covert bullying has been the type that has stuck with me and affected me the most. I was beaten up on the way home from school at 5 for weeks but I can't remember this at all. A girl stuck a hockey stick up my nose when I was 14 so hard that I had brain fluid dripping out of my nose but it's the fact that my best friend instigated it so that it would look like an accident that I remember but the incident itself is almost immaterial to me. The fact that a whispering campaign was conducted at work against me for a full year but nothing could be done about it (my boss's words) because no-one 'saw' anything affected me badly. I consider this to be one of the worst forms of 'covert' bullying. The type of bullying people turn a blind eye to and you can be accused of being 'paranoid' about. It has started with my son already. He had his trousers yanked down at a party on Wednesday and his bottom spanked by a little boy who up until now I have thought was a little chum. I had to speak to his mum today and it wasn't easy. She said (although what could she say otherwise?) that he couldn't have meant it - that it was 'fun' as he's seen his big brother doing play WWF wrestling... My neighbours think I'm being weird and the ostracisation has begun (I can feel it) because I've taken a big step back from them as it was starting to really upset me to see their kids ignoring him when he says 'Hello', seeing one of them in particular just sneering at him and another desperately trying to get him into trouble. This was at a street BBQ where I felt he was picking up on all the negative vibes directed at him so he was very anxious and acted accordingly. Then, I felt like I was being judged for poor parenting skills. However, I don't think people even take this covert form of bullying at all seriously and in a sense I feel like I did when I was a lot younger again....gagged it because it looks like you're being melodramatic and overreacting which I probably am to an extent.

Thanks Darkshine for the computer advice...my tecnological abilities really suck as I've said before!! I do think that perfectionism has a lot to answer for. Even trying to facilitate this group I do trip over big time when I make a 'mistake'. However, mistakes are there to be learned from...even if it takes years! I've found myself getting very upset when I can't ball my socks completely correctly. When it gets to that level of silliness, I have to give myself a serious shake! Of course, I can ball my socks extremely well most of the time

I would like a nice genetically modified clone, slightly taller (for ease of reaching into cupboards) and with exceptional multi-tasking abilities

I think 'internalised' distress is a bit of a misnomer because what's inside normally finds it's way out. I used to say that I had a 'very long fuse' because I was able to contain myself when I was upset. I stayed upset behind closed doors or walked around in the night in areas without street lights so no-one could see me crying or talking to myself and I imagine that mostly people could never tell that I was screaming inside. I always had a smile on my face and was chatty. Now and again I erupted spectacularly and I classed this as being when my fuse ran out. My fuse runs out a bit more frequenty these days so I'm probably a bit more of the externalised version now

Don't worry Darkshine, I know you are not being patronising! Thanks for saying you think I've dealt with it reasonably well. I actually made a phonecall tonight when I thought it might be an awkward conversation (to another person) and I was pleased that it went well because I was going 'Oh God, here we go again' before it. Have pressed something which makes italics and don't know how to switch it off! I used to be absolutely phobic about the telephone. In my 20's I could quite easily sit there willing the phone to ring for days on end and then when it did I'd sit glued to the spot listening to it ringing because I was so petrified that it would be someone I hadn't spoken to for ages and I had no idea what to say and my mouth would go dry and I'd start twitching etc. Then I would wonder who had phoned then beat myself up for ages about that too. Total lose lose situation and the tape recorder (see I'm quite old) would go on a loop saying how stupid I was, how bad I was, what a terrible friend I was..... I then had jobs which required me to use the telephone and in a professional capacity I had to learn to deal with my fear of it! I had to speak to people who had difficulties communicating due to mental health difficulties, suppliers to make orders for supplies and mental health professionals. I had to, over time become more assertive in my communication skills when I was challenged and had to learn to be explicit/unambiguous in what I was trying to convey in certain conversations too. I even had to learn to be more decisive in my decision-making, even if it was to decide whether or not I had to ask for more time to make a decision I still found personal phonecalls difficult but it definitely improved as a result of using the telephone so much at work. When I met my husband he was always very bemused when I chose to let the phone ring out then did 1471 but when I got married I wasn't alowed that luxury so much either because often the call was/is for my husband re work or the bank or his mates re work. So, all in all I don't love communicating by phone but I'm much better at it now than I used to be! I much prefer face-to-face or written communication. I struggle with the organisation for the group but again, these are skills I had to build on in previous jobs. Whereas, in my late 20's I can remember an occasion when I had people visiting for New Year and it didn't even cross my mind that I should have got food in in advance, now at nearly 40 with 2 kids I have to remember all sorts of things and somehow in that interim period I have managed to develop the ability to do this....However, for the last while I know I have been at saturation point and that is what makes me question whether or not I can carry on like this. The group is still going and I know there are people relying on me and I don't want to let anyone down. I am a firm believer in simplifying the things in life that can be made more simple I'm still a perfectionist but I've learned that it's just impossible to be able to do everything that needs to be done if I put my all into everything I do. However, for me to maintain stamina levels I have to have a real drive to want to achieve something or to make a difference. When my belief begins to erode, my stamina starts to dissolve and everything becomes all the harder. If I think I'm being taken for a mug then I start to feel resentful. I have to fight against it and this is where I have to try to be assertive, proactive and honest about how I'm feeling and it takes a lot of energy. Just needing to try to recharge my batteries...

Thanks Lancslad and Darkshine Well, I did listen to one of the messages and he was well ticked off as you can imagine but there wasn't the expletives and shouting I imagined although it still wasn't easy to listen to. Anyway, I've done what I could and I think that I'll just leave it there and chalk it down to experience. I'm hoping I snap out of this disillusionment phase soon because it is so much harder to be enthusiastic in this state!! It was nice to meet up with my (diagnosed with) AS friend yesterday. Since we last met up, her second daughter has been diagnosed with AS (that's the three of them now) and it was even quite amusing to look at my daughter lining up some jigsaw pieces on the floor and her saying 'Welcome to the club' to her....in an ironic sort of a way It was good just to have a good natter without talking about all of the negative stuff too - just 'normal' stuff, lol!! I probably do sit at about a 4 re my back pain normally Lanclad, going up to closer to a 6 when the headaches and stomach problems set in (the chiro informs me this is to do with the nerve endings in my stomach being affected by my vertabrae going out of position). I probably do have quite a high pain threshold...I can't sit still at the best of times but even after both my emergency sections and the second one involved a large blood transfusion, I couldn't keep lying down for long!! Lynda

Thanks again Lancslad and you make a valid point. I suppose I'm so used to it (back pain) myself that I don't think about how it affects me beyond trying to keep it at bay...monthly visit to chiro, stretching exercises, memory foam pillow, home back massager I took a bit of a cowards way out in the end but it was a compromise solution. I sent a text message - a very long one - apologising for my outburst and explaining that I wasn't really up to phoning meantime. I put forward my point of view but also acknowledged his frustrations. I tried to be very matter-of-fact giving little/no? room for interpretation. It's in black and white and can be referred back to unlike a phone conversation. I know I'll probably have to get a grip and speak to him at some point but I feel like I've at least given myself an 'in'....

Thanks everyone for your responses. I haven't as yet had the courage to listen to the messages. My husband was away at the time it happened but he won't listen to them for me. He did check and delete messages for me years ago when it didn't dawn on me that an older male 'friend' had other intentions towards me and then sent me a heap of evil texts telling me what a bad peson and a tease I was. This time he won't. It's hard to accept that this type of thing paralyses me. I had no trouble saying what I said to this person while the adrenalin was flowing but the aftermath is the difficult bit to deal with. I know it was a type of 'meltdown' although I don't really like using that word. I suppose my emotions are just getting the better of me. Recently, I've just felt the full force of the 'looks', the 'mutterings' and the 'vibes' in general that eminate from people who make judgements about parents of children who look like they are just not doing what they are told and acting up. I've been having a lot of back and neck pain due to all the physical lifting and carrying, not just with my 18 month old who cannot walk due to a problem with her leg but with my over 3 and a half stone 4 yr old who I lift as a matter of last resort if it seems to be a way of curtailing an awkward situation. I suppose this person just hit a nerve in terms of critisising without knowing my situation. How do I explain to someone who doesn't care that I devote an hour of the day on my daughter's excema regime? I do feel guilty that I can't devote as much time as I feel I should to the group but as time goes on I feel more and more disallusioned. Starting the group Chris, was not completely altruisic because I hoped to gain a level of support myself from it but this simply is not happening yet. I become so frustrated that people can be unwilling to do a simple 'Google' search to look at bus times or locations when I know from conversations with them that they do this, that and the next thing! I think it's a matter of people's priorities a lot of the time - one of the guys at the group has a genuine fear of public transport and told me he wouldn't make it along to the last meeting but he was polite and didn't start the finger pointing because how dare I change the venue! I think Sally's idea about the 'New Members' sheet is excellent. I'm going to get on it straight away and maybe it'll save this problem from happening in the future. Also, Lancslad I am not trying to be something I'm not, you're right. However, knowing that there were times in my two previous jobs where I listened to people ranting at times for prolonged periods and I managed to keep calm and diplomatic I do feel like I'm just not capable of doing that any longer or maybe I just think that I shouldn't have to... Must sign off - a dirty nappy calls and my son isn't ready for nursery yet!

I feel seriously upset with myself. I have done something I didn't foresee I would do which is to fall out with someone who has shown interest in coming along to the Support Group I am facilitating. I am doing everything myself and have spent quite a lot of money and apportioned a fair lot of my 'free' time to it. I have tried to explain my situation to anyone showing interest in the group and have also been clear (I thought) about what I can and can't do and what I am willing and not willing to do. When I spoke to this person before I managed to keep calm and diplomatic although he explained to me that every possible problem in his life was caused by 'NT's' and how stupid everyone else was at all times. I found a lot of what he said to be pretty repugnant. He was even very rude about me getting the pronunciation of his name wrong even though he has a strong accent. Anyway, I contacted all the people who have contacted me and who come to the group either by text or e-mail to let them know that the venue for the June meeting was different to normal. I use a separate phone for the Support Group and only check it every few days as it is only meant to be for initial contact. I did not check it on the day of the meeting although I checked it prior to this. So, today I come to look at it and this guy has sent me these texts first of all saying that he'll need a lift to the meeting and then that I haven't answered his message and then to say that I have very poor communication skills. I was so ###### annoyed and felt pretty defensive because it has been pretty damn hard all round recently and I thought who was he to think I should just jump to it for him. So I very sensibly phoned him back while I was shaking and angry and ended up telling him that I didn't think the group was for him and hung up on him. He has tried to phone me back 4 times and I haven't picked up. I feel pretty anxious about listening to the messages he will have left. I have sent an e-mail to someone asking for advice. I know I should phone him back to apologise but I really don't want to and I also know that word could get out about how rude I am to people looking for support. The old frogs are jumping about in my stomach and I feel quite sick.....:-(

Smiley, I hope you are ok because I notice you've taken your picture down and from your other posts you do seem to be quite depressed. This to me sounds like you were very very anxious but I do wonder if it was a true panic attack which would probably be more debilitating. Some years ago I could not breathe properly for a lot of the time and I was in a very anxious state in general. I truly thought I had developed asthma because it was so painful to breathe but it was ruled out by the GP. What helped and is something I have incorporated into my life since is learning to do 'deep breathing'. What I mean by this is to breathe using ALL of your lungs...when you are very anxious you can be breathing only very shallowy from the top of your lungs and this means you don't get enough oxygen going into your body and you can then by lightheaded and could experience other problems. It can be a tricky thing to learn if you are not used to doing it but maybe you could ask your GP to give you some idea of how to do some exercises. It took me a lot of concentrated effort to do this but it really works to help slow your mind down and makes you less anxious or helps you deal with anxiety better. Take care and hope that helps. <'>

Lancslad, your Da Vinci example is very interesting and when I've seen documentaries about the man I've often thought that he must have been way before his time. I think that he had no aversion to dissection if I remember rightly, at a time when people would normally not consider doing this? With his observational skills and his ability to 'think outside the box' he was an exceptional talent. I'm often so disappointed by people who believe themselves to be 'intelligent'. They seem to be blinded by their own self importance. Throw a little humility into the mix and better results can be achieved....or is that just me?? I think the reason professionals can miss key details is that they don't refer to the past as much as they ought to. There is a tendency to try to 'correct' mistakes without learning from them. I think too that professionals get stuck on the technology and medical 'advances' these days. They forget that 100 years ago, 1000 years ago there were professionals sitting there, thinking the same exact thing, feeling smug and loving themselves! You just have to read what ancient philosophers wrote to realise we're all just as deluded as we ever were.... Anyway, enough of that.... Thanks Lynne and for mentioning the Raeden Centre where my son was diagnosed. It was a terrible mistake to close such a resource. The Raeden Centre brought all the relevant professionals under one roof to observe and work with children referred for diagnostic assessment. Children were referred from over quite a large area in the North East of Scotland by their local health teams / Paediatricians and it made what could be an extremely stressful process a much more streamlined one. A timetable was drawn up prior to the visit so that all the relevant professionals were seen over the course of a week and there was ample time to ask questions about what was happening during each assessment stage. Between visits to OT, SALT, Psychologist, Eye Clinic and Audiology and even a music class, my son was given free play opportunities and used the soft play area so he could be observed at play. He ate his meals there so they could observe how he ate. The Ed Psych visited separately at home before the week long assessment. The place was already winding down when my son went there which is why he went into the day nursery to attend the music class as there were no other children in the assessment nursery for him to interact with. This centre is now gone and the community-based assessment process is a dire alternative.

Thanks Lancslad I feel very much more comfortable in my own skin now than I did this time last year and yes, technically I do not 'need' a diagnosis; just by knowing I have been able to make additional changes to my life and understand and like myself a bit more! The only thing is that self-diagnosis seems to be so looked down on. There is an assumption that professionals DO know what to look for beyond 'lack of eye contact' (a bug-bear of mine since it is inappropriate eye contact, not necessarily lack of...not taking into account learned behaviour etc) and the other key signs which are indicators of ASD in children but not necessarily at all times in adults... I do not doubt that the person I approached for my private assessment has a lot of experience in working with psychiatrists in order to diagnose adults with ASD and I said this to him after I received his written report. However, I would argue that if he is only referred individuals whom GP's or psychiatrists deem to be appropriate candidates for assessment, possibly because they are approaching these services when at crisis point then it stands to reason that the vast majority are going to be of a certain 'type' who those professionals believe most fit the 'profile' of AS and that does not necessarily mean that a great number of people don't fall through the cracks and are not referred in the first place!! I would be quite happy to live the rest of my life without a diagnosis. However, for many years I have wondered what my purpose in life is and as soon as I realised that my problems (and my strengths) have stemmed from having AS I knew that I didn't want anyone (especially girls) to fall through the cracks any more and I want to be able to help and support the kids coming up at some point. Unfortunately, I can't be taken very seriously on the basis of self diagnosis.

I cannot comment on receiving a diagnosis because I do not have one but I can comment on the process of requesting one! The GP I initially approached believed she was in a position to give her opinion based on a 5 minute conversation with me. In her 'expert' opinion (I say this in a tongue-in-cheek way), she said there and then that she believed I may have very mild (ie. not important to acknowledge the difficulties of) Aspergers and didn't warrant an assessment. She then referred me to the local Learning Disability team who said that it was an unsuitable referral. After this she referred me to the Psychiatrist who covers my area who said firstly that I was a 'Waste of resources' and secondly that as HE knew nothing about ASD he was not in a position to refer me to someone who did. He then went on to discuss me (or so I was told) without my permission with someone I had discussed some of my issues with and this 'confirmed' I did not require an assessment. I then sought a private opinion where the assessor did not give weight to important facts I provided him with and did not speak to people who may have given a rounded picture of my life. His report included a number of errors. He chose to disregard the high score I had on the very easy to fill in Ritvo test, instead focusing on the slightly lower than cut-off score on the very difficult to fill in AQ test. His assessment of me was in my opinion very much of the 'tick box' variety and as I came over as 'normal' showing no ticks and demonstrating an awareness of reciprocal conversation, not demonstrating a strange way of walking and stopping myself or pointing out to him when I was becoming long-winded in my report he concluded that I was not affected 'enough' to be 'disordered at all times'. I found it in all honesty, an insult to my intelligence. The whole experience was so stressful that at one point I was begging to be taken into the local psychiatric hospital. At this point my youngest child was 6 months old. My son had received his own diagnosis 7 months before and I was trying to come to terms with this and my own guilt that I believed I had passed my own difficulties onto him! There was NO support, NO-ONE to turn to, NO sympathy and NO understanding. In this area, adult assessment and diagnosis is a JOKE. Alternatively, I would say that the experience of my son receiving his diagnosis was very straightforward and there has been a moderate level of support. He is very lucky to attend a very well respected special needs nursery and will be going into an ASD-specific primary class this year. Unfortunately, other parents in this area are now experiencing the effects of assessment and diagnosis becoming community-based as opposed to being centralised and I have seen how difficult the process is for them.

As it stands, I find it hard to decide what camp I fall into with regards to my belief in God. I know I very much believe in 'something' which connects everything in the universe together. I love the fact that everything in the universe is made from the same building blocks and that all things on this earth from living creatures to inanimate objects are simply atoms vibrating at different frequencies - Wow! Who 'invented' or 'created' those building blocks or did they all just somehow 'come about'? I find it very difficult to believe that this all just came about by accident. However, if you'd asked me this question 20 years ago I would have had a completely different take on things. I would have said that God was exactly as described as in the Christian Bible, that the world was created in a week and that we had only been on this earth for 6000 years, give or take a century. In my teens I even made a special project of going through the chronology of all the people who lived since Adam and Eve to 'prove' to disbelievers that the Bible was 100% accurate. I have much to thank my early Christian faith for. It gave me a strong moral code to live by and being and feeling 'different' was actually a positive thing for me as it meant I was living as I should 'in the world but not of the world'. This probably provided a buffer for me in my teens too because as hard as things got (and it got pretty bad), I still had God to turn to and as Tally said in her post, all challenges were a 'test' from God. I did question why other people didn't get 'tested' as much as I did but the old saying is true - What doesn't break you makes you stronger. I reached the end of the road with my faith at 22, not because I no longer believed in God but because I no longer believed in the people I was surrounded by. By that age I felt suffocated by the hypocrisy I saw all around me. Don't be fooled, there is a 'pecking order' in church just as there is in everyday life. People hide things, speak half truths and tell lies. I had to live for many years with the knowledge that my pastor who had been a family friend since I was a child announced when I was 16 that God had told him I was possessed. Not only that but that God had told him that my father had abused me (baseless accusation based on the fact that I had a close father/daughter relationship with my dad). All across Scotland and further afield I knew that these things had been discussed with church leaders. If I wasn't paranoid before then, I certainly was after this!! I simply couldn't understand why people 'talked the talk' but I could see that they often did not 'walk the walk'. The irony of it was that up until I made this pivotal and life-changing decision I lived my life as I felt God wanted me to every day and I never spoke out against the church. It took me a long time to come to terms with walking away from my faith but the fact that I still shake when I go into certain churches to this day is probably testament to the fact that I made the right decision. My parents never gave up their faith although I debate if they have the same commitment as they had when I was a child. They could never understand why I walked away and it put a massive strain on our relationship for many years. I feel content that I now have the freedom to question and to explore, to seek answers in science and in nature and maybe one day I will come to some conclusion about what I now truly believe.

I would definitely agree that your daughter must be experiencing high levels of anxiety to be self harming in this way. Although my initial response would be to say that you must remove all sharp objects which she may use to harm herself, it is likely that she is a bright girl who will 'go underground' so to speak and find ways to hide what she is doing to maintain what for her is an effective but imo quite dangerous release mechanism to cope with the stress. The fact that you know and you are prepared to discuss what she is doing is very helpful. A lot of parents would probably not have an inkling of what their child is doing because it is a very secretive practice which can be likened perhaps to anorexia. Like anorexics, often it is only when the results of the practice become obvious do people notice and additional pressure is then piled on the girl to stop. I would agree with AS that it may be helpful for you to work together to try to find something she can do which is an alternative way to release the pressure she is feeling. Although I have pulled my eyelashes out and overplucked my eyebrows to the point of there being practically nothing there (I almost get away with that one) routinely from the age of 12 (a form of trichotillimania), looking back I can say that the times when I stopped or didn't do it as often was when I was working hard on projects or became fit by doing a lot of walking or working out at the gym. The times when I didn't have a positive alternative release mechanism or I felt 'trapped' were the times when I did it a lot more. Like Lancslad says too, there is also a 'controlled' aspect to it too which I can vouch for. I try to limit what I do and I normally always wear glasses to hide what I have done if I have gone too far and I don't stand too close to people either. It is very secretive and will have an impact on other aspects of your daughter's life as she'll have to consider her clothing and questions from other people if they notice. All the best to find a way through!

Hi Darkshine Lancslad has brought up a number of pertinent issues in his post. As someone who is organising, advertising and facilitating a support group I would say that I agree very much with a lot of what Lancslad and you are saying about the dynamics that you are likely to find in any group. I went into doing this very much with my eyes open having worked within mental health for some years and having a history of chronic mental health issues myself. From the start I had to be very clear about the objectives of the group - it is to provide a positive, friendly and informal environment to discuss common issues that those attending the group have due to having diagnosed or suspected AS as well as not so common issues people want to get other people's feedback on or share. It is a Peer Support group and is meant to be a place where people are respected and their views are listened to. It is meant to be a place where practical strategies to help people deal with their various difficulties are put forward. It is a place to tell each other about upcoming events and resources such as conferences or information people may have come across during the month. It is a place hopefully that people can make friends. There have been people who have thought that it would be ok to phone me in the evening during the month to share their thoughts. I have had to be clear that this is something I am not prepared to do. I have been asked if I can provide lifts to meetings. I have had to be clear that people must find their own way to meetings (although I have looked into bus times and routes and shared these). I have had people share around that it is a social group so I have had to reiterate a number of times that it would be great if people make friends and wish to make arrangements to meet up during the month but that that is separate to the Support Group. Sometimes, I think that the people coming along must think I'm a total control freak but although I am a 'peer', I am also 'facilitator' and this is a strange position to find myself in!! Partly, I have had to be so clear about what I am prepared to do and what the objectives of the group are because having spread myself thin and been taken advantage of in my previous work life, I have realised that although people may test where the boundaries lie especially if they don't like the response they get, I have learned by experience the importance of saying 'No' especially when time is limited and I have other commitments (I get stressed enough as it is and have to work hard to organise myself). It also means that I am not always worrying about shifting parameters and expectations. It also means that I can concentrate on doing all the 'hidden' stuff people don't see is involved like returning phonecalls and e-mails from adults interested in attending as well as professionals, printing up and distributing advertising and looking into funding and possible meeting venues. It can be a real balancing act when people expect me to do more than I am capable of doing in a month or don't necessarily understand the time involved to do things if they have never done it themselves - that's fair enough. I would say the group is the 'Ronseal' version of a support group that Lancslad mentions. What is on the poster is what the group is about. I think some people do find it difficult to look a me as organiser and facilitator and see me differently to a professional running the group. This is a tricky conundrum as often there can be a view that there can be answers provided to problems when the ethos of the group is that people can take what they want from each meeting they attend. My wish has always been that people will learn from each other, believe in themselves more (a couple of the guys are wonderfully positive and happy in themselves anyway) and start to recognise their own abilities as well as their difficulties. Weirdly, doing this and being in this strange position has forced me to look at and find ways to navigate my own difficulties with sequencing, organising and timekeeping (oh, and technology - that's a tough one) and I've had to accept that my hope to be supportED myself as you say has transmuted into supportING, certainly for now anyway! I would like to think that everyone feels the freedom to be able to say (or not say) what they want to within the group. There are those who interrupt or speak across others and part of my facilitating role is to say 'Can I stop you there? _______ wanted to say something. What would you like to say?' without the person whom I am interrupting being made to feel bad. There are people who I am sure are finding it difficult to follow the conversation so I might say 'Is everyone hearing/following the conversation ok?' The support group, if you attend it, is for your benefit. If you are able to get there the least I would hope for would be that people would acknowledge you, make you feel welcome and try to respect your boundaries. If you feel that it is not worth all the effort to try to get there in the first place you don't have to put yourself through that again. Take care Lynda

Thanks Sally and Manda panda Wow Manda - All the best to your son at University! Japanese? What a difficult language. I would be so happy if my son turned out to be good with other languages - he's playing games on the CBeebies website at the moment, 'The Lingo Show' being one of them which is a BBC children's programme introducing young children to other languages so you never know!! Sally, you are right. It is so difficult to gauge the levels of ability and understanding my son has in different areas and I have to be careful not to fall into the trap of thinking that his mind works like mine. I know there are a number of similarities between us but I am starting to see parallels with how my brother was when he was growing up and I actually find this quite difficult as my brother and I don't get on very well these days. I can attribute much of the way my brother is now to his difficulties with his dyslexia, and when he was at Primary school the huge fight my mum had getting any of the teachers to take her seriously when she had researched this 'new fangled' learning difficulty and knew her son had it. The attitude of certain teachers in those days was pretty shoddy and one teacher in particular said to my parents' faces that their son was a 'waste of time'. I know he had a tough time at school and kids in those days who were put in 'remedial' class were looked down on and classed as stupid. I think in my brother's case, he bought into this and got used to my parents bailing him out of debt and smoothing over his mistakes, even now as a father of 3 (technically 5). Ultimately, I can see how hyperlexia benefited me as opposed to how dyslexia hampered my brother so since my son has a moderate to severe speech disorder I can't help but be pleased that he has a fascination for something so constructive and a skill to build on, something that aids his communication in many ways. I think there probably is some connection with 'design' in a broad sense, shapes as Manda says and Sally's sons ability to look at things from all angles. I think that that can only be a good thing and I see an extension now to my son's letter writing now as he is starting to draw quite precise images of houses and words in boxes. He also is 'inventing' fonts - not just humdrum letters for my son , lol! Unfortunately, he is getting quite irate when those pictures or words are not precise enough! I've got a meeting with my son's nursery teacher tomorrow. It will be to discuss among other things what the composition of his Primary 1 class will be and a review of his progress in general. I am told he has an IEP although I've only ever seen a very informal rundown of the targets set for him, agreed with my input. It will be interesting to see what the teacher's thoughts are on his working memory and comprehension. A few months ago I know that the SALT thought that he could only pick out two key words in a sentence so I will want to know if they think this has changed at all. Thanks Lynda

I desperately wanted to become a boy between the ages of 12 and 13. I truly believed that if I wanted it hard enough and prayed for it long enough, I would wake up one morning with a penis. I remember how disappointed I felt each day when I checked and didn't have one. Slowly over time I came to the conclusion that God wanted me to remain a girl even though I didn't want to be. I didn't understand other girls and I felt a lot of them had 'special powers' I didn't have. I think my wish to become a boy was simply a longing for a simpler life. I felt that boys had it a lot easier and no-one expected so much of them and if I'm totally honest I still think that... Anyway, I'm quite happy to be female now but I've always felt more at ease in the company of men.

Up until now, I've not really thought that my son's (now quite obvious) hyperlexia was a problem. He has been absolutely obsessed with letters since the age of around 18 months and it was probably about a year ago now that he started copying words from TV adverts or from out and about. In the last few months his 'vocabulary' of written words has grown extensively and now he 'air writes' words constantly. Today, in the garden while I was weeding I managed to keep him occupied in between him bouncing on the trampoline and going down the slide by spelling out words he asked me to and he 'air wrote' them as I did so. I am of the opinion that his fascination with words is beneficial as even in requesting for words to be spelled out he has to communicate that he wants this! I have seen good progress in his ability to form sentences although at the same time a lot of his language remains echoliac and repetitive. At the same time he has started to find his way around the computer keyboard more expertly than me and has started incorporating all the commands and prompts he sees onscreen into his written 'vocabulary'. For some time, I have thought that I was probably hyperlexic myself but this may not be the case as I did not teach myself to read and initially I had great difficulty with reading as I did with every new subject I was introduced to - described as 'difficulty in grasping new concepts' in my report cards. However, also like in other subjects barring maths, once I 'grasped the concept' I was off and running. I was routinely reading 3 books per night at 5 and by 6 I read upside down and in mirrors. Not long after this I had no trouble speed reading. My son quite often writes his words from right to left and forms his letters from the bottom up. At nursery, they are encouraging him to write left to right, bottom down, although he resists writing differently to the way he wants to. I read in (I think) 'The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome' that it is thought that hyperlexic AS children usually end up doing better academically than non-hyperlexic AS children. This, along with my own experience of being able to find ways to make it through my studies by taping and listening to myself and reading aloud to myself repeatedly to commit the material to memory has meant that I haven't necessarily viewed hyperlexia as a problem but rather as an asset in some ways. It does however appear to be a 'disorder' in itself, perhaps the flip side of the coin to dyslexia with similar associated problems? Is this the reason for instance that I needed to invent my own abbreviated shorthand in lectures (which was really every single word just with most of the vowels missing, lol)? My brother is severely dyslexic as is my niece. What are other people's views on this?