Ichigo Kurosaki

Since yesterday, I have started putting down my thoughts and memories down on a word document, and I am progressing steadily with that. It may take some time to complete, but one step at a time. Thank you for your advice, , I have taken what you have said and am now starting to plot my thoughts down. As for finding someone that is a like minded person, it may not sound realistic, but it doesn’t really matter if they are exactly the same as me. Just as long as they are kind, friendly, genuine, understanding, caring, reassuring, and make me feel at ease talking to and have at least one shared interest, then I think that is enough.

Back in school there were moments where I did get my own opinions on some subjects, like for instance this ‘buddy bench’ that people thought would help us at school. To me, being bullied, I knew that bullies would be attracted to such a bench. I wasn’t stupid, I could tell they were trying to help children start friendships, but I knew how futile their actions really were. I laughed at it because I knew they were looking from a perspective that was so different from the true reality when you are bullied at school. In social situations, my mind can torture me over whether I said the right thing or not. It makes me so self-critical. I wonder, “Should I have said that? Was that the right thing to do? Did they understand me?” My mind takes all of that information and it still cannot settle until I have been reassured, and even then it’s difficult. Taking forever, I can relate to that, when it comes to social situations, I think that is the truest, for me anyway. My mind has always cycled thoughts backwards and forwards, trying to find answers, ever since the first time I wandered the playground in primary school. I am also very indecisive, as I have already said, my mind considers each option, and if my mind can’t settle on an answer, then the chaos ensues. Yes, settling on an answer has always been difficult for me. It is nice to know that I am not the only one with these chaotic thoughts out there. It is encouraging to hear from others with similar experiences. It makes me feel less alone. Thank you, .

Sorry, this is a long response, you’ve given me a lot to work on, and when emotions flare, I feel I need to explain, I can’t stop. I also feel I need to answer everyone that writes to me. Well, I am always open to ideas, I just have a difficulty finding the right one, . I’m sorry, . It might take some time, I think. Yes, to take each point from each person’s ideas and concepts and meld them some way into my own life. I suppose that is why I take note of what others have said. When I say I have an open mind, I try to pick up on each point and judge them with my own experience. As I said, I need to find fail safe approaches. I don’t wish to have another emotional breakdown. If I am pushed into a situation that I cannot cope with then I may have another. I am happy to receive responses to my questions, though it is difficult to find a way where my mind agrees with it. As it is my responsibility to work out whether the advice can fit into my own life, then this can be quite difficult. I am faced with the fact that my past does dictate my future. My past is not a lie, it is true. To deny it and say that I need to run away from the past and focus on the future, I find that suicidal. Don’t we learn from past dilemmas and try to find solutions with them for the future? Surely we shouldn’t run headlong into danger, especially if we have some experience for when things go wrong. The problem is my mind sees every response as a contradiction to my past. I don’t know how to accept the advice. Maybe I should take parts from everyone’s responses and try to connect them in some way to my own, I don’t know. If I do then this may take quite a long time to find an answer, and even then I don’t know if it will work. I’m worried that my difficulty with settling on a subject may push people away. Yes, as I have already said before, my mind can’t settle on an answer either. I cannot just stop and say it will work when I have no firm way of confirming it works and my past is my wisdom. I always analyse both from the past and a philosophical approach. My mind is always considering each answer and creating a comeback. It never settles until it knows something works. Perhaps it’s a defensive mechanism. I sometimes think there is no end in my questions, I always need to judge if something works. I find that when someone asks me something I feel I need to explain things so fully that the background is included as well all because I want people to understand me, not to misjudge. If a subject is not explained fully then the other person will take on an approach that doesn’t suit my situation. Yes, every person is different, but I hope the more I explain the more people can find similarities, and then hopefully provide a more suitable answer, I don’t know how else to approach this. My mind approaches objects, principles, news, basically anything that could affect my future and if it can’t find a solution, then pain ensues. To be honest, the main subject I can relate to the information overload would have to be my interest in Romance of the Three Kingdoms of Chinese history. I don’t know the dates very well, but as for the order at which things took place, then I am quite good. I can tell sections from the Yellow Turban Rebellion, Dong Zhou’s uprising, Lu Bu’s fight with Liu Bei and Cao Cao, the battle of Red Cliff etc. It is in subjects like that that my mind goes crazy and puts people to sleep, the interest I have in animé certainly did with my uncle. So, basically, I try to avoid the subjects like that so that I don’t cause that to happen. I don’t know the subject fully but I know a lot, so much so that it is difficult to talk about. I question everything about as much as I would drive people crazy over my knowledge. Yes, because talking about our interest is so explosive to other people. They cannot see things in our point of view and find it too much to take, that is why I am trying to find like minded people who have a common interest that we could talk about and start a friendship. The common ground can be based on that interest; I am looking for people that share a like minded interest to me. Someone who listens and responds on my level, who doesn’t find my interest to be destructive and yet still sees it as creative. That is someone I am looking for. I am searching here now for people like that. I don’t know if I’ll be successful, but I am always willing to try, providing it doesn’t go against my mind, . Yes, I can understand that the paintings by Van Gogh in the more destructive part of life may have some strong emotions behind them. It’s emotion over standard art practice. The energy for you in your pursuits being the strong emotions I find in my interests, yes? The emotion and passion behind what you’re interested in. Holding onto thoughts is what I did throughout school; I didn't find I had the right words to express myself. Now that I do, I feel I need to find someone with a common interest to myself online. To be able to talk to those on the spectrum that have similar feelings to me may be a good way of letting out those thoughts to stem the migraines, yes? Hmm, ways to let the thought processes out of my mind, yes, I have thought this was a pursuit I thought I should go down. My words seem to be so expressive and descriptive, so maybe I should pursue the way I write and keep improving it. I don’t mind writing, what I mind is if people can understand me, . Well, if I was to withhold my emotions, feelings and anxieties. Then being sick inside of me could be a possibility. The need to flow my thoughts can be quite strong. I suppose if I describe it in a more creative approach then it could be like I have taps inside me that if they are turned off then I could burst. My head feels like it could implode if I don’t let out my feelings. If I don’t find reassurance and encouragement, then I would only be getting more angst and pain. I need to be able to flow my difficulties out there so that I can find someone that can relate to me. I find pursuing life, saying I have no problems and coming across many obstacles and saying “I will do my best and this won’t affect me, because of my strong will”. I find those obstacles practically impossible, it would be wrong to say that. If I find people that can relate to my difficulties, so that I can let out steam and receive help wherever possible then that is something I suppose I am trying to do. Hmm, talking about suicide is pretty deep but, yes, I suppose I can understand when you feel that your mind works so strongly then it is hard. I can get very overloaded myself. It is hard to cope with, I worry over everything that could affect my future, and my future will always be there in my eye. I just need to find the right way to solidify my future into a brighter way that my mind can settle with. I can imagine how difficult that must sound. Being young I want to try to make the most of my future so that I do not waste it. It has to pass my mind first; if it doesn’t then I could be put through hell, and that is something I need to avoid at all costs. Yes, I agree fully, those that do not experience what we experience will have a greater difficulty understanding as their lives are so different from our own. As the spectrum is so vast it may take a very long time before people start to truly understand how life is for us. The more people explain their difficulties, and then maybe in time (when I cannot say), people may start to see a pattern. I cannot be sure though, it is just an observation. Hmm, yes, an outlet, I suppose I have been considering many different ways. In writing and my thoughts, maybe I should channel them through documents and webcam videos, to myself, so that I can use them in time, when needed. The problem is that I’ll need to find the right questions to answer. As for my design work, I suppose I need to add more colours to display my moods, and maybe shape them to a form that suit my worries. Expressive artwork, hmm, yes that is a good objective. In my other interests, well, I suppose with animé, manga, Japanese music and games, I could try to find people that share those interests. Romance of the Three Kingdoms and the Sengoku period may be a lot harder though. Yes, value in art in general is a difficult one, if a bed with messy clothes on it sells for billions but an expressive drawing sells for pittance then value is judged by people’s tastes. It could be difficult juggling between emotional expression and a person’s tastes. Balancing commercial and expressive art is a tricky one. When I sold my artwork in the craft village that requested I work in there when I couldn’t, I got a monthly account telling me what customers preferred. I could work on that, use my emotional expression but still try to keep close to people’s tastes. In writing, I can try my best to collect all the resources I have and meld it together, I doubt it will be easy but it may be the best way. Yes, betraying ones values is a bad life choice. I will try my best to see if I can connect the two in some way. I will put my points of view in a more constructed form, either by diary, webcam videos, etc. I’ll try my best to follow this advice, thank you, . It may take time to achieve though. Laying information into more structured patterns, you say that you find putting notes on paper and then digital form is a way that helps you. Then I suppose online diaries, webcam videos, etc. is my way of forming structured patterns, yes? Being an anarchist, , I cannot agree with a lot of things that the government are sending out, it is disgraceful. I don’t think I can ever forget the wrongs the government are sending out but I understand that I need to express my emotions through my art, in whatever form. Thank you, your advice is helpful, ; I can certainly work on some of this.

I’ll try holding off on the creative philosophical expression in this post, . It isn't easy as I said; I don’t want to be mistranslated. I worry that, in writing like this am I getting misunderstood? My mind always feels like it could implode with all the information inside it. When I go through large thought processes, I always get a headache, . Writing on this forum has got to be one of the hardest things I have done for a while, apart from contacting my old primary school friend. It feels so strange; I don’t think I am used to it. It may take time to get more comfortable with it. Long threads with many different views are harder to construct my thoughts with; though I think that would be hard to change. I don’t know how to control my mind. My mind controls me, . It always has. I always try to search my mind and come up with a reason for why a particular subject would not work for me. I suppose I am trying to protect myself from pain, as to me, from school experience, it can get pretty bad, so bad that I had to come out of mainstream education altogether, I think I had an emotional breakdown, and revert to home tutoring from behind my bedroom door. I suppose I don’t wish to be pushed into another emotional breakdown. Hmm, to gain that space, do I need to find the right medium to work it on? Where could I redirect this writing ability? Are you saying that I need to keep notes and copies of everything I write so that I can use them for a greater purpose? When I was writing to my old primary school friend, I start plotting my thoughts down, but then not long after, more thoughts come to the surface, and I add them. This continues until I have a jam packed response that people might find hard to reply to. I think that I have so many thoughts that if I don’t write it there and then, then I may not get another chance. Hmm, yes, I do kind of revert to free flowing thoughts but that is only my way for trying to make sense of what is spoken and find an answer that, I may not have experienced the subject before, but through past experiences I try to deduce an answer that could suit most situations. I understand that this can make it harder to respond to me, but somehow, I want to make sure that the analogy I have is understood by those that I talk to. I do not mean to make it difficult, it is the opposite; I just want to explain my point of view. When you say exerting discipline, in what way do you mean? I need to ask these questions to identify what key elements you are referring to. Having OCD you’d think I would understand the discipline concept, . I don’t but my Oma (grandma in German) does, I think she herself has OCD. My OCD and SPD constantly conflict her OCD. It is so frustrating hearing this being said, discipline sounds very harsh. How would I be able control myself that way without hurting myself in the process? Looking inwards and taking a more disciplined look at myself. I can’t help it, it sounds so much like Oma. As for communicating my ideas better, am I describing things in a way that people don’t understand? I try my best to describe my difficulties as best as I can, am I describing too expressively and creatively? I always try to find new skills to unlock more interests to have a greater chance in making friends. I think that if I unlock those skills I could have some common ground with the person I would be talking to. I already keep trying to keep a record of everything I write and receive on my computer in some shape or form. I have been told by my old English home tutor in the past and my mum that I should try writing a book. It does sound appealing, although, this is a concept that sounds very difficult to me. Where would I start, how would I finish? I respond better when asked questions then just writing out of thin air as I can go through every possible answer I have and deduce the best way of explaining. I think I should take the words I use on this forum along with all the other written resources I have elsewhere and combine them somehow, I think it is a lot harder than it sounds, . The flowing of thoughts I have is difficult to control, once it’s out it’s out, . Hmm, it’s funny you should say that people can get blasted away by what I write. I think I have been told similar things to that by people before, . Everyone I talk or write to says how well I write. I don’t know how to reply any clearer than how I have been. Condensing and constructing my words is a major difficulty I have. When my ideas and thoughts pop into my head, I just feel the need to flood it all out of me. Condensing what I write is very difficult. I feel if I don’t explain things in detail then people will be unable to understand me. Does explaining things in detail contradict that theory? That can cut deep in my heart. I worry over such things a lot. I am not competitive at all. I will always worry over how well I have done, and always be extremely self-critical of myself. Sometimes I think I have a lack of energy. My energy gets so put into explaining that it makes me exhausted. If I don’t though I could get misunderstood, isn’t that worse? Other than my mum, it has always been difficult explaining my difficulties to my family. My Oma says those same words “there’ll come a time when you’ll get so fed up that you will want to do something”. She also says “you need to get out there and mix with people”. They are fair words, but to me, coming onto this forum is my way of getting fed up and wanting to mix with people, only like minded people, that could relate to me. I can understand the interest in trying to make an impact on the world. Maybe I should redirect my words to a more impacting place. I think I may need help here, because if writing a book could be that way, then I think I’d need some guidance. I do not know where such a place exists; I thought talking about my difficulties here would be a way. How would I put discipline and systems into my life? I don’t understand. This approach is sounding dangerously close to my Oma’s perspective. I never could understand that concept how would I achieve such an objective? Being a more disciplined person sounds such a neurotypical idea to me.

I must be impossible to talk to. I’m sorry but I can never settle, my mind is constantly on the go. There is no rest only by drowning it out and escaping into my own world. If I have such strong emotions about a subject, I feel I must explain every other reason why I find something difficult. I find starting topics so much easier than replying to existing ones. I am not sure why, but I think the more people have responded the more chaotic my thought processes become. I am sorry if I am so inconvincible, coming on to this forum is the best way I thought I could process my thoughts and receive some useful advice. I am so stuck it is unbelievable. I had to receive education from behind my bedroom door for so many reasons. One is the trauma that the P.E teacher that was the head of year caused me as well as the fact that it is so hard to concentrate otherwise. I have lost that education when my statement of special educational needs ended when I became 19. I need to be educated that same way. It was a great way of keeping my mind focused on the subject I was learning. I had passed quite a few of exams and got two diplomas. I don’t know if anyone has any advice that could help me; I feel that my mind challenges every response I receive. It feels so hopeless.

Oh, I didn’t research vitamin B12 before I sent the message, , thanks for clearing that up, . It can be quite embarrassing having to resort to kids drinks, , I will try though, thanks, . I drink flavored water in multipack bottles because I both find my OCD gets in the way of drinking out of cups and plain water tastes horrible. Thank you for your understanding, . Even nuts are difficult for me, . They are too strong and very crunchy. I must be impossible, . I did a little research and came up with: http://www.veganvill...cipes/index.htm, http://www.veganrecipes.org.uk/, and http://www.veganfami...uk/kitchen.html. I don’t know if they help or if you have already discovered them, but I am not really sure how else to help.

Getting a job in another country sounds like taking a spaceship to the moon. I have always observed things like, those that are neurotypical or have a form of ASD that has less restrictions are either on the moon or getting close. I feel like I have no spaceship, the spaceships they are using are beyond my reach, and I am unable to get to them. I cannot get to the moon no matter what I do, I have no superpowers, and I am a mouse on the ground with no means to travel. My disabilities make life so much harder it is unbelievable. I cannot switch off my difficulties, there is no way I can say “right my AS, SPD and OCD will not affect me in this part of life because I have made that choice”. There is no choice, I am stuck with it. Just jumping into an ice cold pool is more like jumping into a pool with spikes so sharp they would jut straight through me. Working in Tesco is like sticking those spikes even deeper.

I do not watch the news either, I check the internet on websites that tell of the injustices the government are causing and disabled people answering with comments that are from disabled people. If I am not aware of the news in general then I will get hit, and hit hard by their harsh laws. It will affect me if I am not careful. I cannot blind myself to what is going on out there. You tell me to visit Japan. That is something I have thought a lot about. There is so much to explain about why I would find that difficult. My AS makes crowded places feel chaotic, I have never even travelled on a plane, I am vegetarian and my SPD would make eating seaweed feel like eating fish. You have no idea how impossible going to Japan would be to me. It is off the scales. As for getting a dream job, there is a lot, and I mean a lot preventing me. I cannot cope with an interview; it would remind me of the interrogation I got from the P.E teacher that was also the head of year. I would find the whole experience extremely hostile, that it is unbelievable. Being surrounded by other people makes me feel like school and therefore I am unable to concentrate. I could be extremely vulnerable to the bullying from co-workers and boss. Working from home is also difficult, I cannot cope with many forms of communication, phone (hearing someone talk directly into my ear fills me with a lot of anxiety), email (as it can be complicated explaining if there is problem. If it takes too long to explain and get the problem resolved I would get drained afterwards), messenger (as I cannot explain things so quickly, I get flustered). Talking on here is slightly easier because I am not rushed and I can explain my points of view more fully. The nitty gritty is so much bigger to me, the nitty gritty could make my life get much worse, if I am not careful. I am sorry but simply shutting off is not something I find easy at all. If the pain is too great, music doesn’t help. Talking on this forum is the way I am trying to use that energy, it is redirecting my feelings through the computer and trying to find some way of making life feel better, in whatever way I can. I am sorry, I am very hard to convince, and that is because all throughout school and now I am trying to find those solutions. My mind picks holes in every piece of advice I get because it makes sure there is no way that it could fail. I have to be sure that it will work. About the future. I have been alone for so long. I need to find genuine friends to help make me feel less alone. I always used to reflect on life at school because I was alone. I was never able to find solutions.

I am not currently at home at the moment, but when I do get home I will check if vitamin B12 is included in my vegetarian vitamins. I do eat dairy products in my rolls. I don’t think dairy is a problem for my SPD. I have tried smoothies, Innocent smoothies to be exact. Yes, they aren’t too bad. The only problem I have is that I need to gulp it down because of them not being totally smooth. I do have a blender, but in truth, we hardly ever use it, . I understand your point about making more varieties with soup. When I get to use the blender, lol, I will certainly take your advice and check online for more recipes and add coconut milk as you have suggested, thank you, . You have helped me. I can understand it can be quite difficult providing options to someone with the food difficulty with SPD. I hope that you are able to find some nice vegan recipes. I can’t offer much help, but the internet has a lot of information as regards to vegans and vegetarians. I hope someone here can offer you some advice. I’m sorry, I couldn’t help, as you know I have a lot of problems with foods myself, but thank you again, .

A-S Warrior, I understand what you are saying. I have one little snag and that is I have more negative memories than positive, or to be more precise school felt so bad and the government sending out such anti-disabled laws. I cannot ignore the news, it will affect me as much as the next disabled individual. School was so anti-me that I only just barely managed to find someone friendly to talk to in primary school. I only talked to that old primary school friend briefly for just the last year, and then she moved to a different school. I was once introduced to one friend in primary school in year 4, but in the end it was an utter failure due to my SPD and his father moving us to separate seats away from each other, on the opposite side of the class. I haven’t experienced much positivity in life as I have mainly been alone. I am reaching out on this forum now in order to try to find friends. What do you consider motivating music? Do you mean my Japanese music, or do you mean music with a positive meaning? If you mean music with a positive meaning then it does not work. My brain never shuts off, it always analyses, tries to find a solution. I cannot control it. I tell it to stop, it does not. I get up every day as bad as I felt the last. My mind is so powerful, I am disconnected from it. It is strange, but at the same time I need to find the truths in life. If the truths are really bad, is shutting that off the best thing? I don’t know. All I know is that seeing what is coming can prepare me for when it hits. I don’t know, maybe it’s the smaller pain to avert a bigger pain for not knowing. I think being unaware and finding out later could be a lot more brutal, surely, no?

Yes, my sensory issues can be very restricting; I can’t even eat eggs by themselves, be it scrambled, boiled, etc. I can eat foods containing egg as I cannot sense the egg in the foods. If I became a vegan I may be eating barely anything, . If you had problems with the food side of SPD, I can imagine how difficult that would be, . I know that you were the one asking but, lol, do you have any tips on foods I could eat, ? I’m sorry I’m unable to offer any advice. Yes, you never know if they tell the truth or not. It is so easy for organizations to lie to suit profits.

Sorry I forgot to mention, SPD is Sensory Processing Disorder. It affects the five senses, touch, smell, sight, sound, and taste. To me, I am mainly affected by touch and taste. I am so restricted with foods that if it doesn’t look right, smell right, feel right on my tongue, and taste right, I am unable to eat it. As I said, I am very restricted because of this. It can make me very picky with foods. Yes, on the internet I have noticed that some other people have been trying to make McDonalds offer better vegetarian varieties. To be honest, I am not sure if they are more ethical here or not. I am always searching for easy vegetarian recipes that suit my SPD. To be honest, mum and I’s kitchen is quite small and so cooking in there can be quite draining. My mum isn’t vegetarian. I eat tomato soup, soft rolls, breakfast muffins, pasta and pizza. It has always been difficult to expand my diet. It is very annoying, .

I am vegetarian. I have been for a long time, mainly due to my SPD. When I was a teenager and eating burgers in McDonalds I began to find the texture more and more opposing to what I could stand. I started to think of cows and that put me off altogether. Now I avoid everything that contains meat, I look on every packet to see if it has pork gelatine, and if it does contain it then I cannot eat it. Unfortunately, I myself have quite a restrict diet because of my SPD. I find eating most fruit and vegetables difficult because of my SPD. The most I could do was take vegetarian vitamins to keep my nutrition in check. I am not sure if I can provide much advice about eating vegetarian food when I myself find it difficult as well, .

I have heard this said a lot and I have never quite understood it, or how to accomplish it, or whether I should. People say they have learnt how to trick their mind and fake things in order to suit social interaction. I cannot do that. I do not want to lie to myself. I also wish to find genuine friends. I don’t wish to fake my way through life. That sounds like every time I lie to myself by being someone I’m not causes an emotional spear to jab through my heart. I do not wish to inflict emotional pain on myself if that means I have to fit it and try to fake how I am and the way I act. I have always wanted to find friends that can either understand or learn to understand and accept my difficulties and not become frightened by them. That is what I consider a true friend. In faking my mind and trying to push through by acting positively when I know it isn’t. That sounds wrong and it also sounds like it can cause emotional pain. How would that help me? When I was younger I always searched school to try to find someone genuine. I have come across many bullies, but I do not want to lie to myself. School had stabbed me in the back many times, should I have willingly accepted those stabs to try to fit in. If I have to act fake in the ‘outside world’ and act positively when I know life is not. That would be a plain lie, wouldn’t it? I don’t understand that analogy. To trick my mind, I do not understand this concept. I cannot lie and say that life is a bed of roses, when it isn’t. I have never been a positive thinker because I always want to see the truth. I do not want to lie. I hate lying, both to myself and others. Is this the only way to find friends? It sounds wrong to me.

A-S Warrior, I am sorry about the volume of writing I write. It’s a habit I have. When I listen to music and begin writing and have a lot of emotion about the subject, I simply can’t easily stop, >.<. I am never sure how to condense what I write; I always feel the need to explain things fully. If I don’t I could be mistranslated and that is something I wish to avoid. I think my mind can be too focused to be tricked, it is not dormant, and it is always vigilant. Even the slightest jolt can trigger the pain. My mind can be infuriating at times, but can help me see life more clearly. It is a very contradictory concept, but one I am constantly faced with. Tricking my mind sounds like lying to myself, I don’t understand this concept. I have always been a firm believer in being true to myself. How would I even attempt it, it sounds difficult? I am new to this site, so I don’t know how to reply to certain people like you have. I try to give everyone a response to settle my mind and heart, so that I don’t feel a weight over my heart. I have a lot to learn myself being almost 21, lol, which is why I thought coming on to this site could help me. Thank you for your replies, and advice. I am always trying to find new ways to help.

My SPD and OCD affect my life in so many different ways, half the time I can’t work out the difference between them. They coincide with each other all the time. I sometimes wonder that if OCD is tackled then the chances are my SPD would only recreate new OCD traits in a different form. Food is one of the hardest subjects for my SPD. I am vegetarian because of my SPD, it took time but eventually in McDonalds, I kept trying the burgers, and slowly over time I got more and more uncomfortable with the feeling of the texture, focusing on the texture made me think of cows, and well you can guess the rest, >.<. My SPD can make me very picky with foods, it annoys mum something terrible, and me, but I can’t help it. Most fruit I cannot stand, for example I find bananas, plums, grapes and oranges too fleshy, pears to be too grainy, raspberries too hairy, pomegranates, most melons, kiwi and strawberries to be too bitter. With vegetables if I see a brown mark on them then I cannot eat them. Mushrooms look a lot like fleshy overgrowths and some can really smell bad. I hate it, it makes choices of what to eat extremely few, I have a very small choice of foods, >.<. When it comes to food, it has to look right, smell right, feel right on my tongue, and taste right, if it doesn’t pass all of that, I am unable to eat it. I have tried apples, they are reasonable, the only problem is that it is difficult to get used to the fact that it changes colour so quickly. I have also tried watermelon, that is a little better, I have gotten used swallowing the seeds along with it, and the fleshiness of it is not too bad, the look of it does kind of remind me of steak though, which is disconcerting since I am vegetarian. I have tried smoothies but I have to gulp it down as I don’t like the feeling of the fruit bits on my tongue. Tomatoes by themselves are very bitter. Food is an extremely difficult subject due to my SPD, argh, it’s annoying, >.<. It is hard for everyone around me, including myself to deal with, but it is part of my SPD. That I can’t run away from. I want to try recipes to try other foods other than, tomato soup, soft rolls, breakfast muffins, pasta and pizza, but the problem is our kitchen is so very small and chaotic, making it claustrophobic, that it can be draining cooking in there, >.<. I feel I need to add a lot of spices to most dishes to increase the flavour of the foods, which also includes breakfast muffins. There have been several occasions in my past when I was much younger there was a dinner put in front of me to eat in amongst other children, the same happened once during primary school. I just stared at it and tears started to well as I knew I couldn’t eat it, but I didn’t want to make the situation awkward, as that is often the case if you can’t eat the food. It was horrible when I was asked to eat the food prepared for me but I couldn’t eat it, I didn’t want to be ungrateful at all, but I had no control over it. I also remember when I was younger and used to eat meals that my Oma (grandma in German) prepared; I had to eat them on separate plates. That was a clear sign of SPD, but mum and I didn’t know it at the time. What gets me the most is that I want to eat healthily but my SPD is preventing me. All I can do is take vitamins for vegetarians. That is not all. Being sensitive to touch is another major difficulty to my SPD, I get a tingly uncomfortable feeling whenever someone touches my arms and I cannot shake people’s hands. The smell of metal in my hands from coins, door handles, and such creates a real irony smell in my hands which is irritating, thankfully I have found a strategy to tackle this and light touch. If someone was to accidently touch me or I had that irony smell what I do is wash my hands, it gets rid of the feeling and the smell in one fell swoop. If I need to open a door, I tend to use my t-shirt to cover the door handle. If I travel I take a hand gel so that I can use that instead of washing my hands, it is also much quicker. That is why I am never sure if it is my OCD affecting me here or SPD. For everyday tasks I find cotton gloves have helped me. To me, it cuts off the direct contact to surfaces and makes it easier to do various tasks like making a cup of coffee. I can’t hold most knives, forks or spoons unless I wrap them in tissue. I even have my own selection of knives, forks, and spoons to combat the problem to some degree. At night I feel I must bring a torch out with me to check the floor as I hate to step on slugs, snails, and everything slimy or gooey. If I did I can hear the noise it makes, the feeling it creates and my mind will not settle until my shoes are cleaned. It is awful. I don’t know how else to tackle this other than with a torch. Sight is more focused on my OCD, I think, but to be honest, I have no idea. I am not worried over sleeping because of my eyes at all; it is not like that at all. What I have the problem with which is why this is perplexing me is that if I see the slightest stain or hair on any surface, be it mug, plate, bowl, sink, bath, anything that I could have direct contact with, I need to wash it to get rid of it. I cannot use it otherwise. That has got to be my OCD surely. I keep seeing crossovers between my SPD and OCD that I cannot easily tell the difference. Smells do affect me as well. I like the smell of fresh bread, coffee, candles, and even washing powder. When I go to the supermarket the aisles containing those items can get quite overpowering. I have a lot of air fresheners around so that I can combat the bad smells around the house. I can hear much better than my mum. I can hear a phone ring upstairs from downstairs in the living room at times; it is not a major issue to my SPD though. What is a major issue with my hearing side of SPD has got to be loud noises. My family sometimes have an unfortunate habit of raising their voices when tensions become high. I find this horrible, and it makes me feel worse, the best thing I think that was invented for this is earphones. I just plug them in turn my music up and it cuts it off. That has been my strategy for tackling this problem. Something has also perplexed me about my SPD. I am not sure if this is because of my SPD or AS but I have noticed that I can sense my family’s moods. Personally, whenever I sense someone is feeling bad I can tell, it is either that I sense the awkwardness of the situation, can sense their tone of voice, see their reaction, like sinking into a chair and covering their face. I immediately feel extremely uncomfortable; conflict is something that makes me feel really awkward about. I tend to feel bad if they feel bad, I guess it is like a mirror image. I have noticed something very strange that only happened once a while back. I got up one morning walked to the window then I suddenly got this picture in my head of a cat with an exaggerated scared expression. A few seconds later I heard a dog bark from far away and then a couple of seconds later I noticed a cat cry. I found that weird, I have never experienced that before. It shocked me and I didn’t know what to think. I am not sure what it is. Is it my SPD, AS or what? So the questions I ask are: Where does my SPD affect me and where does OCD? Also, has anyone found any strategies to tackle some of these SPD or OCD traits? And what happened when I got that pre-emotional reaction from the cat before it occurred?

LancsLad, I can see that it must have been difficult for you to have achieved all of that in your life and the struggles you have had to go through. I am always looking for new ways to cope with life, and I am always willing to listen with an open mind. Writing on the internet is so much easier for me than talking face-to-face. That is why I thought talking on this forum would help me a lot more than meet-up groups. I go through such high anxiety that I would find it far too hard to walk through the door never mind about settle in. As I have already stated, I freeze, I mumble my words and I go through hell when I get back home thinking back on it. As you talk about practicing to advance skills to help to relax. Due to my SPD, I am able to concentrate a lot better when listening to music. I have taken to trying out practicing Japanese. I have established that I need to first learn hiragana, then katakana and lastly kanji. I have printed practice sheets out of hiragana and began. The problem has been that some subjects are harder to learn when I am listening to music than others. Learning a language is one of those subjects. I need to hear the sound of the symbol while drawing it on paper. It is difficult to keep focused when I am not listening to music. This is a reason why I find practicing some skills difficult. With learning in general I need to be able to find someone to guide me, keep me focused. I find it increasingly difficult learning by myself. I am unable to cope with eyes on me while I am learning, but that is why I use my bedroom door, to defend against those eyes. They are penetrating, shaking my ability to talk more fluently and write without distraction. I need someone directly outside my bedroom door because I need to ask someone questions directly, but not so directly that their voice is right next to my ear, telephone for example. When they are directly behind my bedroom door I am able to show them far quicker than via the internet. If something went wrong online it drains me of energy but showing someone the issue when they are there means that I do not drain as much. One of my tutors was a great help to me and helped me to focus so much so that that is the reason why I am able to write the way I am now. I was certainly not this articulate back at school, I could barely focus and I found homework increasingly harder. I need that support again. Whenever I try to sleep my mind gets in a very conflicting state. I always cycle my thoughts much quicker. It’s like I have an engine running so strongly it’s getting boiling. I cannot easily relax. When I have done something very stressful or containing a lot of anxiety it becomes even harder. If I have written to someone or talked to someone my mind travels to what I have said or written and think “did I say that right?”, “did they understand me?”, “maybe I should have said something nice at a certain point to break the ice, but I was too anxious”. Being alone for most of my life has developed this very negative view on life. I can’t help it. The more I analyse my surroundings, from news, internet, ‘outside world’, other people, etc. the more I am aware of the struggles around me, then the worse I feel. I cannot shut it out, it never leaves me. All I have managed to do is drown it out by escaping into my own world (via entertainment by any form I am interested in). I cannot just say “right, now I will begin to live life with a positive prospective” (I cannot lie to myself, it would only hurt me more inside). Yes, it could be interesting to hear how others have managed to find coping strategies. I can’t say whether or not it will help me, but I am willing to hear with an open mind. I have already taken note of what A-S Warrior has suggested. Any advice might help in some way. Coping with sports activities is a little off subject though but any general advice on how in my situation I can find a way to help to relax then it could help.

A-S warrior, I was worried whether or not you saw the section of my message when I replied to your message explaining the problems I have. I have pasted below in case you had missed it: I understand what you are saying that to go out to a forest, meadow and such to help to relax. Mum and I have a kind of a park near to us with a couple of lakes. It can be quite relaxing to watch the lake water flow due to my SPD, I think. In truth when the puzzle pieces are fewer in number and have less of an impact then I tend to like watching animé (Japanese animation) or read manga, listen to Japanese music, play video games, etc. to try to drown out my mind and escape into my own world. As I am a sort of amateur photographer, going out and taking photos can get a little relaxing, yet only a little. The problem is when the puzzle pieces are too big and overwhelming then they become useless, I am unable to find anything to keep my mind from greater depression. You say that when you get home from relaxing in nature and shutting out the chaos of your mind then you become a different man, when the pieces are too large I am unable to shut it out. There is no power button. I just drown my mind when it has less of an impact. When I get off of the entertainment or get back home, I am not a different person, I am immediately reminded of the reasons why I had the pain to begin with, starting the depressive cycle again. When you tell me that relaxing is my main concern, I have tried many things, as I have stated above and when I try to sleep I either read a book, manga or novel and listen to the Japanese music. It doesn’t always work, if something occurred during the day or I have newly discovered something that keeps my mind on edge all day long then I always find it much harder to relax my mind that way.

Thank you LancsLad for your lengthy reply, it is almost like the volume of writing I have written to an old school friend online who is neurotypical. I get so worried I write too much too often. She has reassured me that it is ok, but my mind never seems to rest. I have been alone for a long time in my life so it is difficult making friends. The ‘outside world’ feels thousands of times worse than school, and that’s saying something, school was very bad in itself. As regards to A-S warrior, I understand what you are saying that to go out to a forest, meadow and such to help to relax. Mum and I have a kind of a park near to us with a couple of lakes. It can be quite relaxing to watch the lake water flow due to my SPD, I think. In truth when the puzzle pieces are fewer in number and have less of an impact then I tend to like watching animé (Japanese animation) or read manga, listen to Japanese music, play video games, etc. to try to drown out my mind and escape into my own world. As I am a sort of amateur photographer, going out and taking photos can get a little relaxing, yet only a little. The problem is when the puzzle pieces are too big and overwhelming then they become useless, I am unable to find anything to keep my mind from greater depression. You say that when you get home from relaxing in nature and shutting out the chaos of your mind then you become a different man, when the pieces are too large I am unable to shut it out. There is no power button. I just drown my mind when it has less of an impact. When I get off of the entertainment or get back home, I am not a different person, I am immediately reminded of the reasons why I had the pain to begin with, starting the depressive cycle again. When you tell me that relaxing is my main concern, I have tried many things, as I have stated above and when I try to sleep I either read a book, manga or novel and listen to the Japanese music. It doesn’t always work, if something occurred during the day or I have newly discovered something that keeps my mind on edge all day long then I always find it much harder to relax my mind that way. As regards to LancsLad. Thank you again for your long reply. My mum has often said that she thinks I am about a few years behind everyone else. She says, however, that I talk and write much better than my cousin who is neurotypical and about a year younger than me. Another main difficulty I have is that I have an enormous amount of anxiety. I am always struggling with this, every time someone calls out to me, taps me on shoulder, or requests directions, I get this huge tidal wave come over me, there is acid in my heart and then I either freeze or call out to mum. I am hopeless when I need to answer directions in that anxious state, my words are unable to flow, and it is as if the taps to the correct thinking processes has been shut off. I am so analytical it is unbelievable. Everything plays a huge part to me. I trod on a mirror only yesterday, it shattered. Oh, how that has played on my mind, I think that I will receive some really bad luck soon. Whether it is superstition or not is irrelevant. I analyse anything and everything, nothing is excluded, and everything could play a factor one way or another. I am also extremely self-critical, everything I say or do is recorded in my mind, and if it is opposing to the kind, friendly, caring individual I want to be then my mind tortures me over not correcting those mistakes. I am talking to an old school friend from primary school because I was unable to open my bedroom door to her many years ago (being behind my bedroom door is part of the way I had been educated, I think I will post that under a different section. It is quite complex so it will require a deeper explanation due to a breakdown at school just before I was diagnosed). When I have done or said something that I didn’t mean to but caused a divide for whatever reason like I stated with my old school friend. Then over time that pains me more and more deep, like I have spikes around my neck getting tighter. I need to be able to deal with the issue to relieve a notch from my expansive depressive repertoire and knock it from existence; the truth is though it is not long before a new notch replaces it. Every puzzle piece is another truth from somebody or in something that could explain something that may be quite bad, it might not be true and that’s why I need to find out the truth. It may not be good but I suppose I am like a detective who is made to solve the case or face the sack, the problem is that if the case is correct, I may also get the sack only that it would damage my reputation as a detective as well. Finding the truth is something my heart and mind both want to do; the problem is the pain that can come from it. It all depends on how strong a pain it is. If it is minimal, I can drown it, if it isn’t I am tortured, if it is major it effects me for a very long time. Then if it is untrue my mind immediately transfers to a new case, depending on how soon I pick up another clue, or puzzle piece. It is a never ending job that gets harder the more puzzles are completed. When you say that I need to chill with it, do you also mean relax? To me relaxing is always difficult. I am a computer in mind and a computer in nature. I spend the majority of my time on it. It is incredibly difficult to pull myself away from it to sleep. I am glued to the screen, my mind is kind of in a suspended animation, the moment I come off of it is the moment my mind gets flooded with all of the information I wanted to suppress. Positivity to me is an extremely difficult subject. As soon as I entered primary school I could tell I was going to hate it. To be honest, I got along with no one in the first four years, and then I had to change classes over bullying. When I did my old bully punched me in the stomach winding me. I noticed that the head teacher talked about meaningless statements in assembly about “do onto other as you would want to be done to yourself”. I had to believe people would follow that same principle, most didn’t of course, and that old school NT friend was the only one I can say was truly friendly and kind. In assembly it was the meaningless statements, singing hymns to praise being alone and depressed, and then getting up from being crossed legged on the ground, my leg went numb and then I would get enormous pins and needles. Then they introduced something called a ‘buddy bench’. When I first saw this ‘buddy bench’ I laughed. I thought how out of touch with reality are these people. It was a colourful bench that was meant to attract children that were alone to sit in order to introduce each other to make friends. To those with friends it must have looked to be a good idea. I, however, who was bullied, and alone, saw it as something very different. I knew it was a magnet to bullies, as lamp to a moth, I would be saying “here I am, all alone, waiting to be picked upon”. There was no escaping the fact that it would be like attaching a bull’s-eye to my forehead. Another point was that I found interaction difficult, though at the time I didn’t know I had AS, I could tell it wouldn’t help. I need reassurance and encouragement in social interaction, not an outside move by a ‘buddy bench’ to attract bullies like a moth to a lamp. That was just some of the negative feelings I felt at primary school, never mind about now. I have explained the difficulty I have with viewing life positively to my old NT friend from primary, before I explained she was mentioning about thinking positively. I thought I needed to explain why I found that difficult, I think she has held back on saying so, but I worry if her demeanour views life that way then I am like the opposing value. I worry that may cause problems. Hmm, there is a lot to explain here about my education, but technically that should be under the education section. I could explain a bit I suppose. I have been out of education for about two years, I was under a statement that ends at 19, I have been learning from behind my bedroom door with the help of two tutors. There is a problem that is preventing me for getting the education but I think that is quite a lengthy topic to explain. To get to the point, I find learning online extremely difficult (I can imagine you would mention that as an option). It will not work for me, I had completed a web designing course for one of my last courses, and there was a professional web designer that came to the house to help teach me a bit of web designing as the tutor who was working with me on the course didn’t know about web designing. He rarely came to visit as he lived further away. He was teaching me about CSS coding. The home tutor stopped coming as the statement had ended, and even though my statement had ended he had come once a month unpaid by the LEA to check how the website I was creating was coming along. My CSS coding was incomplete. I sent my website to the main course tutor (my home tutor is different to this main course tutor, this main course tutor is set to this web designing course. My home tutor taught me from behind my bedroom door), he received the website but it didn’t work. It took me months to try to explain the problem and find a solution with the professional web designer over the internet, I cannot speak on the telephone, as he could see it but the main course tutor couldn’t. It was very confusing and incredibly draining, so much so that I decided to drop the CSS coding as I was too exhausted. I think I lost some marks with that, I got a merit grade, which is good but I could have got a distinction grade if I had completed the CSS coding and it wasn’t so draining. I did receive a distinction in photography though. Anyway that is the main reason why internet learning would be out of the question for me. I learnt from behind my bedroom door as I found it extremely difficult to focus on my work when I have eyes watching me. I cannot concentrate and get easily distracted. I was not terrible at school but I could sense that I was struggling. I also had a very horrible incident happen to me in secondary school that caused me to learn from behind my bedroom door. It involved the P.E teacher that was also the head of year. I am very ambitious about learning but I can only do so in a way I can deal with. This is the huge obstacle, I cannot budge it, and I would break if I did. I cannot go through a stressful and un-focusing learning environment, with eyes peering at you, distracting your train of thought. I have wanted to learn Japanese, Chinese, and German, computer maintenance (basically as many things to do with computing as possible), more about photography, a musical instrument, etc. I am always on the look out to increasing my skills to help to make myself feel “yes, life was difficult, but look at the skills I have achieved”. I want to be able to learn so much but I am so restricted in how to go about it in a way I can cope with. I have been creating abstract designs with my photographs and make them into greetings cards. I had done this with one of my tutors for two courses. It had been quite successful. The first course was for charity selling them and raising £200 for the NAS, and then the second I had to set up a small business to sell some for myself to see how successful the business might be. The place where I sold them told mum that I had to work in the shop there at least twice a week. For the course they allowed me to sell them but took 35% commission from my profits. After the course was finished and the tutor left they then imposed a strict ruling that I had to work there to sell my artwork. That was out of the question for me, so they were taken out of there. Now I am unable to sell them again and am trying to find a way of getting them out there again. I am not an extremely adrenaline person at all. I hated sports at school. I am only just managing to create an exercise structure at home. Not particularly successful, but I have lost a lot of weight. I am unable to go rock climbing, mountaineering, caving, etc. due to many reasons, not to mention my SPD would drive me crazy. I am more of a drown myself in the computer type of person, I spend more hours on the computer then I sleep sometimes, . I do go out as an amateur photographer sometimes but I am mainly drowning my mind through electronics. I want to be able to make the most of life in a way I can cope with. “A way I can cope with” is something very fundamental to me. I cannot be put through a lot of stress and anxiety, but all the same I don’t want to waste my life either. You say I can’t change who I am, I have to make the best of it. Yes, this is how I feel but I have to do so in a way I can cope with. This is what I struggle with. I was able to talk to my old primary school NT friend as I thought I needed to tackle the issue, put it to right, and explain my AS, SPD and OCD. I have contacted her for several weeks now in the process of explaining. I have already met her once during that time, but when I got home my teeth began to chatter and I could hardly speak and I had a huge headache. It was awful. Not to say that it wasn’t a nice time, it is just the before and aftermath that is the challenge. I could hardly sleep the night before and as I walked into the café/pub area with mum to meet her, my anxiety hit the roof. I am unable to chill my mind, I have gone through many struggles up until now, I do not wish to go with the flow and watch as my life could change to wrack and ruin without seeing it coming first. It is so difficult I do not wish to make my mind go through utter chaos but at the same time I need to know what is around the corner. It is always a conflict to me. Balancing my mind is a lot harder than it sounds; I have no control over it. I try my best to say “stop it, keep calm. Don’t think of horrible things” but it has no effect. You say you wouldn’t want to be diagnosed when you were younger. To me, it makes no difference the damage the P.E teacher caused me emotionally caused such a cataclysm that I had no choice but to leave. I even lost a good friend from secondary school in the process (he has dyspraxia so he is also on the spectrum), which has stayed with me for a long time as I was too scared to tell him I couldn’t go back. Now I am nearly 21 I want to go back and tackle the problem I have with the split up of my two old school friends. I think I have resolved the issue with the NT friend from primary school. My friend from secondary school may be a lot harder. I haven’t talked to him yet, but I think he is on Facebook. He is in university, I have no education, and his mother is a teacher. If he talks about education, I am scared it could make me feel a heavy weight has been placed on my heart. I am unsure as to how to approach him, technically I refused to see him (it was because he wanted me to go back, but I was so worried what would happen if I told him I couldn’t). That has hung heavily on my heart. I feel I need to tackle it but I am afraid he would reject my friendship. Thank you again for your replies, I hope what I have said makes sense is not breaching any topic specific sections. I just thought a lot needed to be explained, there is still a lot more but, I better not make this message any longer.

Thank you for your reply, I will take note of what you have written and I will reply tomorrow as I am about to go to bed at the moment. Not that I find sleep easy, but I do need it. It is very difficult to relax with these thoughts.

Thank you for your kind words, and welcoming, . It is uplifting to hear such comments. It is the first time I have ever really built up enough courage to write on a forum. So many thoughts cycle my head, I just need to find the right medium to set my words. I thought that this was a good website to put them. As I have said I am always feeling this way, not a day goes by that I am not free from this pain. The more puzzle pieces I find the greater the pain, but I cannot forget, my mind does not work that way. It does not compute, . It makes me feel less alone knowing that there are others out there with the same difficulties I have. Anyway thank you again for your kind words, it is really uplifting.

I have aspergers syndrome (AS), sensory processing disorder (SPD) and OCD. My mind and heart are on a constant battleground, neither has a greater majority over the other, they are in constant conflict. I am never able to settle on something, when something is resolved it reminds me immediately of something else. There are puzzle pieces in my mind; I am never settled until the puzzle has been worked out. I have no other choice but to complete the puzzle. I am held at gunpoint by my mind. I need to find the answer, if it is bad it is overwhelming, if it is good I can rest on that particular subject. If I am lied to and find out later, it feels much worse. My mind is like a computer and my heart is human. My head is telling me to face the answer whether I like it or not. My heart is telling me to avoid it, and don’t find out, but it is so pained by dismissing the truth. This is my battleground. This is what I have been faced with since primary school. It is not easy, but just the same it is uncontrollable. I am just the person sitting in the background, I am not able to intrude into the conflict inside of me, but oh, how I try, . I feel I always need to pursue a problem, no matter how it may harm me. When I obtain puzzle pieces my mind automatically feels pain, I feel if I do not resolve an issue I will be stuck with the pain, but if it's true I could be causing a greater pain. It is always a risk. It is horrible, I am in an ever growing cycle of depression. I am unsure as to what to do, could anyone provide some thoughts or advice?