Hi to all repliers and many thanks. Lots of questions to answer, but basically we have been through all the LA and CAMHS channels and he has an official diagnosis and a statement. I know every school for miles around and have visited many of them. I have done the fighting at tribunal and have won and lost battles, but he still refuses to attend anything. The LA placed him in an Asperger's unit attached to mainstream school for year 11, but he refused to go. CAMHS tried a bit of CBT and had to come to the house as he doesn't go out, but he didn't respond to that and they pulled the plug. I'm sure he must have some sort of anxiety disorder now on top of the Asperger's, but where does that get us? There still is not magic pill for that. He has been assessed by NHS Occupational Therapy who found lots of motor and sensory issues. He is bright and on paper should be fine in school, but he is unmotivated and also quite oppositional, so he does not take advice easily. One of the major problems is that he now hates and denies the diagnosis and refuses any 'special' help. So, although he can't cope with his anxiety, he will not attend Asperger's/anxiety units/schools nor follow the suggestions to minimise stress because this singles him out (in his eyes). It feels like a Catch 22 situation.
The latest is that I have been talking to a therapist myself, because I was finding it all difficult to cope with (hence the despairing post here, which is quite unlike me!!!). He suggests that in addition to the underlying developmental problems my son has, we have now developed quite a lot of negative and unhelpful co-dependency issues. I now am trying to see that whatever I do to try to get my son out of the house and to college makes no difference. Three exhausting years of thinking of strategies, being tough, being sympathetic, being cross, being disappointed has got me nowhere. My son is nearly 17 and it has to come from him. So now, I will do everything to provide a secure home for my son and help him stay healthy and try to teach him to be more independent (cooking, cleaning etc), but I am going to get on with my life and go back to work. BTW, my son made it into college one morning last week which is a small step in the right direction!
Mr Dingleman - I hesitate to give advice, because we are not a great advert for success! Would I have done anything differently? Well, it kind of just happens and one thing leads to another - school suggested CAMHS referral which led to diagnosis, which led to statement because school said they could not provide for his needs. LA initially refused to assess, but agreed on appeal. I searched for schools, LA refused a nice independent one I found initially...etc...etc...so it all lasts months and months, and as the clock ticks, my son became more and more entrenched in his withdrawal. Part of me thinks a quick school transfer right at the start would have been better - but who knows? Most people say diagnosis is key to a good outcome and that it usually helps the child, although it certainly didn't in my son's case, so perhaps that is the place to start if you are sure your son in on the spectrum. Best wishes to you.