I think that I am missing my beloved in a different way tonight.
'How do I feel at the end of the day?
Does it worry me to be alone?
No. I'll get by with a little help from my friends.'
I miss my beloved.
I also miss the happy days of my childhood. I miss the girlfiend I took walking out in Middlesbrough. I have difficulty remembering her name. I think that I could remember her name if I had some therapy. Once upon a time I had no trouble remembering her name. We moved to Redcar and I had so much on my mind, I put looking after my primary school girl friend in cold storage. Maybe I have found my childhood sweetheart again in my beloved.
It is remotely possible that the little girl I miss is now the beloved I miss. I could call my childhood sweetheart, Beatrice. Dante lost Beatrice and found her again in Heaven. I may have lost Beatrice in childhood and found her again now.
I hear my beloved opening the front door now.
I have many problems this morning. First of all I have a hangover from going out last night to a blues club. I think that I have been smoking too much rather than drinking too much. I am a smoker like an alcoholic is an alcoholic. I smoke for the comfort of a simple pleasure. Like Kipling said 'a woman is a woman and a cigar is a smoke'. I decide that sending things to my long term loved one is cruel now. I've been writing to her for ages to put thing right and I receive nothing back. I'm suffering from a lot of male anxiety. The blues band last night sang a song about a man waiting for something from his woman. This is what I am doing. I decide to be happy with the image I have in my soul of her and to be good terms with it rather than be on good terms with the real woman. You can't argue with a mad woman and I guess the real woman is very angry with me. I choose to be at peace with the girl of my dreams and let the woman of the real world make her own decisions how I am treated by her. I'm pretty obsessive-compulsive about my Penny.
More later soon.
Here is my other problem. I have difficulty putting things into words. I may be high-functioning; I still have difficulty dealing with paradoxes. I think this is a symptom of autism according to 'normals'. Who decides what normal behaviour is? I think that I have a right to my opinion what normal behaviour is.
This is what I see. I attend Quakers. I've read the guidelines Advices and Queries. I've read the bit about being considerate to the meeting when I break the silence and I've read the bit about listening to people who break the silence with consideration. The thing is- I get told off for speaking in meeting. I get told off for contributing too much. I have a lot to say and decide to say only what I consider useful and even the little I say is too much for some people. I remember being blocked from entering last week's meeting. They're heavy on rule making and inconsiderate of me, the autistic human being. I have a fantasy of Quakers being somewhere I could settle down and I think that some people just won't have it. I am responsible for the situation. I would be to blame if I did anything malicious.
This is what happened.
David3; I decide what I do.
William; But you don't decide what you do. I decide what you do because you behave badly.
David3; I do decide.
William; Oh, no, you don't.
Infuriating illogical. I could give him a thump, but that would be bad behaviour.