BelLocke

Haha, I've actually had to change the subject of this post several times already; I've got so many questions and thoughts that I can't seem to settle on one. But I suppose I'll focus on the most pressing issue. We're moving back in with my husband's parents in a couple of weeks until January, and let's just say the last year or two of living with them the last time was not positive in the slightest for issues too personal to discuss. I can already see the panic and worry settling itself in hubby's face and through the way he's behaving when I told him the date I plan to move him. He's moving in about a week before me, because it will enable me to pack the flat up without worrying about him and causing him to be upset. He's extremely attached to this place and doesn't want to leave, but the long term result will be much better for him... I hope. I've been trying my best to prepare both sides for this. I am trying to get hubby to relax, breathe, and think positively. He is the biggest pessimist in the world thanks to his parents, so this is not easy at all! I am also trying to "coach" his parents. They are as stubborn as they come, and although they know and claim to understand his condition, they do not know how to communicate with or treat him at all. When all three get their tempers going, things just tend to go in one ear and out the other, and arguments can be explosive... I sometimes feel like a messenger who's trapped between two warring armies. Like I said though, I really hope that if we can survive the coming months, my husband will be in a better place. He'll be: 1) closer to work, so he can walk and not worry about transport, 2) living in a semi-detached house with only a quiet old man next door for a neighbor, and 3) in our very own house with a spare room for our hobbies! He's looking forward to number 3 the most of course. Back on point, I wonder if any of you have advice for me about anything from moving house to buying/packing/unpacking furniture as well as maybe experience with uncooperative parents. Moving twice in the span of a year is really going to unsettle him, but I'm doing my very best to make it as smooth as possible.

Yes, although I understand you don't want to get your mother into trouble, she appears to be very disturbed judging by the way she is treating you, and she's also using money meant for your own well-being fraudulently for her own gain. You need to contact the Department of Works and Pensions and let them know about this. You should also perhaps get in touch with your bank and inform them that your mother is withholding your bank details from you against your will. This is already causing problems for you since it's preventing you from getting paid for the job you've just been given, and it could cause problems in the future if your mother incurs debts or other penalties under your name.

My husband can recite almost every line spoken from the early 1980's Transformers cartoon. And just generally remembering stories and jokes from shows he likes. He's also really good at writing cheesy (in a good way!) fiction stories, especially when there's fighting/action scenes involved.

I know exactly how you feel, regarding the friends issue. I've been there more times than I like to count. Unfortunately though, at our ages, people tend to drift apart. This is where it is important to keep contact with those friends who you really care about. You might not be able to keep them all, but that's not your fault at all. People change, and their interests and priorities change with them. Just do your best to keep reaching out to them, and try not to allow yourself to become isolated. Are you currently taking anything for anxiety like your doctors have advised? It could be that your anxiety is making things seem worse than they are, as well.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. The reinforcement and advice here is really helpful during times like these because it's often hard to keep afloat and believe that things will work out in the end. All signs are pointing to getting him prescribed some medicine - we'll have to work on that ASAP. As for a psychiatrist, that'll be a bit harder because of his nature, just like you said, but one step at a time for now. I really wish I could get him to share things with me, but lately, he seems to value other people's advice and opinions over anything me or his parents have to say to him. This is where a psychiatrist would help I suppose, but again, he's so stubborn and stuck in this mindset where he believes nothing is worth doing because it won't help, etc. Hopefully, when we start addressing his depression, everything else will start to fall into place. Good news is after a very hard, lonely beginning to the day, we eventually met up together, ate out for lunch, and wandered around the local shops, and he seems to have calmed down a bit. I guess I just need to back off and keep a bit more to myself for a while, at least until we start sorting things out.

With all the added stress lately, it's been building for a while, but last night, the husband and I had a total and utter meltdown of communication. We argued and cried for hours, and the next morning, we're still bruised and hurt. I'm at a loss, and I just don't know what to do anymore. Part of the troubles we have is he just won't let me in anymore. We used to be so close, and then one day, he completely shut himself off from the world. It's clear now that it all stems from one thing: working. He hates his job. He hates having to deal with people, the sounds, the lights, and everything else that comes with it. At the same time, he refuses to back down and admit perhaps employment is not for him. He's already moved from full-time to part-time a few years ago, but he will not admit defeat and let me take on the larger share of the responsibilities. I think part of it is machismo because he feels he's the one who should be taking care of me, and another part of it is because "everyone" is judging him. He's clearly depressed, but I didn't know just how long he'd been keeping it to himself - it's been years. He told me for the first time that the reason he does not talk anymore, does not show affection, etc is because he's "fuzzy" and feels that the world "isn't real." This has clearly gotten worse lately, and he can't even get out of bed in the morning when we have alarms set or plans to go out. He only manages on work days. Part of me also wonders if he might be suffering from paranoia. He's constantly talking about "they" and "everyone" as if there's a group of people out there who are bullying and judging him, calling him overweight and out of shape (he's a fitness instructor, and I assure you, he is NOT any of those things) and thinking he's a horrible miserable mean person - when there clearly isn't anyone doing that. He's starting to group me in with those "people" now, which really hurts because all I ever do is encourage, praise him, and try to make him feel good. This is getting too long, so maybe I'll just finish with a few questions. He's depressed; we both know this. We will be seeing a doctor after we move out of our flat and asking for him to be put on medication, but I also wonder whether his other symptoms are related or if they're worth exploring individually? Paranoia, over-exercising, anorexic thoughts, etc? If work is too much for him, what are our options? A few years ago, we had to fight just to keep him on DLA because the government didn't see his autism/Asperger's as a "disability." He's on it permanently now, but this is due to change with the new legislation. I only work two small part time jobs (lack of qualifications have meant full time jobs do not want me), and I'm literally going to be applying for a higher education course today - full time. Are we stuck like this for now? When I try to approach him tactfully about an issue, he takes it as a negative criticism and thinks I'm putting him down. Is this just a trait of AS? How do I approach him without leading to an enormous explosion? Thank you if you read all of this. It's really hard for me right now. I'm in a different country with no friends outside of my husband and father-in-law of all people, so I have little if any support at all right now. I just feel like I'm falling apart.

I too am interested in the reasons why your son chooses not to disclose his condition to the university. My husband has issues with telling people about his condition (didn't even tell me until we were engaged) because he feels ashamed of himself, and he's always trying to push the limits to be "normal." This almost broke us up because he was working full time with shifts which were slowly draining all the life from him and causing him to (verbally) lash out at me at home. However, with the help of a local organisation, he confronted his job about his condition. Nowadays, only his two or three bosses (the people who NEED to know) actually know about his condition, and they treat him the same as everybody else - he just doesn't have to work as many days or hours, and his shifts are permanent rather than erratic. I can understand where your son is coming from if he's trying to avoid having special arrangements made for just him or he might feel embarrassed about telling someone; however, the very short period of awkwardness when telling the university will be far outweighed by the benefits of having real help and support to alleviate his work load. There is VERY strict confidentiality rules in schools and I imagine universities as well, so if he's worried that "everybody" will eventually find out, he shouldn't be. Information like this is on a need to know basis only, or it should be.

I'm currently employed at a school, and I agree with what Sally and bed have both said. You definitely need to take this up with the school; logging the incidents is a good idea as well since it will serve as proof for your case should this have to be taken further. Schools have been covering bullying in great detail during the last year, at least in my area, so this is something the school should be actively trying to stop. The staff should be aware of your son's condition, and if they are punishing him for what the other children are doing (even if he's reacting badly - he shouldn't be held accountable for this if staff are not doing their own part in combating the bullying), then they clearly do not have an understanding of his needs.

Hello and welcome to the forums. I understand what you're feeling in regards to visiting the support centre. My husband gets anxious when he has to visit specialist centres with people who are more severely affected than he is... But if the help is there, it's best to go for it, especially since many services don't even cater for older (i.e. not children or teenage) individuals on the spectrum. My feeling is that they will either recommend anti-depressants (this is what they've tried giving my husband recently for his anxiety and mood), or they may even recommend cognitive therapy depending on your symptoms. Try not to worry too much about introducing yourself; they've probably seen it all before.

That firm just sounds awful and like they need some lessons in organisation themselves... It makes me really sad that people who are responsible for others act in such an irresponsible way, especially because I'm training to work in care and I could never imagine treating people that way. Is there a particular reason you chose to go with this firm, since from what you say I assume you pay for it yourself? I know it could cause a lot of upheaval, but maybe it's time to think of switching to an alternative firm/agency if there's one available. I'm not sure how much good these people are doing for you, especially when they're there specifically to help you with your depression and frankly they seem to be having the opposite effect. Maybe somebody else in the forums with more experience than me can weigh in on it, though.

Sounds like your support worker would hate our flat... We've got more games consoles and things than we know what to do with. In all seriousness, he does seem to be treating you in a condescending way. It sounds to me like he underestimates how much you are able to care for yourself, such as when he asks if you've washed, etc; however, throwing away things without even asking you or explaining why he feels they should be tossed is not right at all. He shouldn't have any right to do that unless you WERE severely unable to take care of yourself and he sincerely thought it needed to be done. May I ask why you have a support worker? I'm not sure what his duties are supposed to be in your situation; however, maybe it would be worth explaining how all of this is making you feel (if you haven't already) to him and/or his boss and then outlining precisely what things you would like help with and what things you'd like to take care of yourself, such as the recyclables, etc.

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I agree that this is a tricky situation. Personally, I do feel like staff need to be a bit firmer with Glen, but I'm only familiar with him through your most recent posts here so I could be missing some information. Through my own experience volunteering with a disabled youth group though, I've seen that sometimes you need to give young people a nudge in the "right" direction, or they will just take the easy way out and refuse to really make an effort to enjoy themselves, get involved with activities, and so on. I know it's also advisable to encourage individuals to dress "appropriately," and obviously, it's not very appropriate for Glen to wear pajamas *all* the time, especially if it's keeping him from going out with his carers. Of course he should also be given the opportunity to make his own decisions... It's very tricky indeed. Maybe when his wisdom tooth comes through or gets sorted, he'll feel better and start to settle down again; here's hoping, anyway. Good luck with your review, and hopefully some good things will come out of it.

I agree that it probably hasn't been very well researched. It's a difficult subject though because technology is changing so rapidly, and it's difficult to keep pace with it. Even if a study was conducted this year, it'd probably already be out of date in no time at all. As you mentioned, there are also overarching factors like ethnicity, religion, etc to keep in mind as well. My own opinion is that DVDs and television aren't inherently harmful, but just like anything else, they need to be used in moderation - which I know is easier said than done these days.

He's actually a pretty healthy weight at the moment, unless he's been fibbing to me! He used to be a lot thinner, with a much more gaunt looking face, which was pretty frightening at the time; he's improved since we've started living together.. Obviously though, it's a very fine line, and I try to encourage him to eat when I can. What doesn't help is that he's actually a fitness professional, which puts nonexistant pressure on him to look "as good" as the other employees (who are ten times less healthy than he is, anyway)... Very strange career for someone with autism, but when people told him to do something he enjoyed when he went to college, he took it literally and headed straight for the gym. You are spot on regarding the anxiety. He is very anxious most of the time, and I'm trying to get him to explore some options to get better. The last doctor we saw was no help at all. We're moving house soon though, so we'll have to give our new doctors a try and see where it goes.