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  3. Posted · Edited by bid · Report reply

    Hi Dekaspace,

     

    There's a book/film called something like 'He's Not That Into You', but it could equally be called 'Shes Not...'.

     

    Basically this book/film says that if you have to wonder/agonise if someone is into you, that almost definitely means they're not.

     

    I would chalk this one up to experience and stop all contact because I think you will get hurt :(

     

    When you meet someone who is really into you, it will all feel very easy and exciting, with no real wondering or angst...and it's much more likely that will happen if you are young, free and single rather than mooning around over a little madam like this one! :shame:

     

    Bid >:D<<'>

  4. Posted · Report reply

    When my son was 7 he was referred as an inpatient to a Child and Adolescent Phsyciatric Unit. This was before he had a full dx, and had only been diagnosed with Dyspraxia, but it was clear that something else was going on. He was referred by the Paediatric Neurologist who had diagnosed Dyspraxia when he was 5.

     

    We were desperate for help and a correct dx. However, we really believed that being admitted as an in-patient was the wrong thing for our son, for a number of reasons. He was very young; the unit was in London and it would have been very, very difficult for us to have visited him; I was just pregnant and also had an 18 month old too; we knew being away from home like that would have been completely traumatic for him. His local community paediatrician agreed with us, and instead fast-tracked his appointment at a more local specialist diagnostic centre for paediatric disability, where he received a full dx of AS, ADHD, and Dyspraxia. They continued to see him until he was 15/16.

     

    Everyone's situation is different. You can only look at your son and your family circumstances in order to make your decision, but you need to feel confident that it will be the right decision for you all. We also took advice about the referral from our community paed and his Special Needs Health Visitor, who both knew him and us very well, and both disagreed with the idea...are you able to speak to any other professionals involved in your son's care to help you make a well-informed decision?

     

    Very best, it's not an easy situation to find yourselves in >:D<<'>

     

    Bid :)

  8. Posted · Report reply

    Just to echo BD, there is no such thing as 'mild AS'...there is no such term used in the diagnostic criteria.

     

    I was fortunate to have an NHS dx through the specialist adult clinic run by Prof Simon Baron-Cohen at Cambridge. The idea that I would benefit from an assessment was first raised by my son's paediatrician, and she wrote to my GP. After a very unpleasant appointment with my local mental health team, who identified 'traits of ASD', I was then referred by my GP to the specialist clinic.

     

    One of my over-riding concerns was that if I did indeed have AS, I wanted a proper dx by a qualified professional who specialised in adult dx, as I felt in that way I would know that the dx was accurate and would also be respected by the wider medical profession. A few years ago I had to say in A&E that I had AS, and the first thing the nurse asked was where did I get my dx.

     

    Bid :)

  10. Posted · Edited by bid · Report reply

    I checked with the DVLA...

     

    If it affects your driving - notify them. If it doesn't affect your driving, you don't need to notify. If you're not sure, consult your Dr.

     

    Thank you Rainbows for clarifying this point.

     

    Sadly Pyfan, from what you describe, I think there was a duty to report your husband. I know it may seem that driving at 36 mph in a 30 limit isn't a dreadful motoring offence, but this is actually very, very dangerous. Two years ago my DD was knocked down by a car, and the police said the only reason she wasn't killed was because the driver was going below the limit of 30...even so she has been left with only one functioning hand as a result of her injuries. I've just Googled, and if you hit a pedestrian *At 20 mph 5% will die *At 30 mph 45% will die *At 40 mph 85% will die.

     

    I really hope that any assessment proves that he is OK to drive short distances so that his job isn't affected.

     

    Bid :)

  11. Posted · Report reply

    Hi Lyndalou,

     

    Sorry to hear about this.

     

    My first question was what on earth is an 'Independent Assessor'?? :o:unsure:

     

    I wouldn't want to be assessed, per se or otherwise, by anyone other than a fully qualified clinical psychologist or psychiatrist who specialised in adult diagnosis.

     

    Hope you can find some answers.

     

    Bid :)

  12. Posted · Report reply

     

    I thought I read on the forum recently-ish that you didn't have to tell them now, unless you/someone else had concerns??

     

    Or did I imagine this? :hypno:

     

    Bid :)

  13. Posted · Report reply

    Thank you everyone for your replies!

     

    I'm still deciding what to do, but one thing that has made a big difference has been reading all your comments, as I realise part of my stress has been worrying that I haven't tried hard enough, and that I was letting my team and my line manager down. I've spent the last 6 months feeling that if I could just do/say the right thing, the behaviour would stop, but I now realise that it isn't my fault, and I have done a good job as at least the negative behaviour towards the other staff appears to have stopped.

     

    I will let you all know what I decide to do, and thank you again, it really has helped clarify things for me >:D<<'>

     

    Bid :)

  14. Posted · Edited by bid · Report reply

    Hi again SS,

     

    Just wanted to say about my suggestions above, that I realise I am quite old school in that I think adult children should be working towards leaving home, should make a contribution to the household, and should abide by the house rules, irrespective of special needs. It's how I was brought up, and it's what we have done with my adult son with AS, and will do with the others who don't have AS. But I appreciate not everyone will share that approach, so I hope I haven't upset anyone :unsure:

     

    Bid :)

  15. Posted · Edited by bid · Report reply

    Thanks alot for your reply.

     

    The option of assisted living sounds like something to look into, my mum seems to think with the cut backs there are he wont get accepted for it but ive said we must persue it.

    Its great to know there are people like you who are here to help and support everyone, the fact you take the time to do so is amazing, genuine good souls who understand.

    my mums always tried to do the best by him and i think now that me my brother and especially my dad have not done enough. hes at the size and age now where he overpowers both my parents and this is the worry.

    we have called the police on a few occations before, however when he turns 18 he will obviously get a criminal record and make it even harder to get a job than it already is, he had a job over christmas for 3 months and during that time he was much better behaved.

    I think one of the main problems he has is the internet, he is on it all throughout the night and im sure he is just creating numurous lies on different websites and making personas that are not him, i know he speaks to people abroad and he lies to them all the time, ive suggested to my parents that we cut the internet off for a while and just pretend theirs a problem with it, do you think this is a good or bad idea? sorry about my typing skills, im a chef and dont use computers often.

     

    OK, the ideal would be for your brother to have a structured, purposeful life, doing something constructive with his days rather than living a nocturnal life online. Even if a paid job is difficult, he could volunteer or at the very least take over some responsibility for helping to run the house, cut the grass, etc. I also think that if he isn't already doing so, he should make a contribution towards his keep (however small) from whatever benefits he may be receiving.

     

    However, the honest reality is that this will be difficult to achieve, although not necessarily impossible. Despite his age, he would probably still benefit from a visual timetable mapping out each day through the week so he can see what will be happening next. I'm 40-cough ;) and I still use a timetable to help structure my life.

     

    How to achieve all this is the difficult question to answer, and depends on your brother's personality I guess. How did he get the job you mention, and why did it end? If he seemed happier during this time, this might be a very good starting place to begin helping him re-structure his life. Perhaps he could be helped to investigate similar work. He will undoubtedly need a lot of support and help, and will find it hard to change his life-style...and consequetly may need some big helpings of tough love at some points. I hope I don't sound too harsh, but personally I believe that it is perfectly acceptable for parents to say to adult children, even those with special needs, that if they cannot behave appropriately within the family home and accept help to change things, then they will have to live elsewhere.

     

    I know it's very, very easy for me to make all these suggestions, but it does sound as though something needs to be done for the sake of everyone in your family. My own young adult son with AS always paid me housekeeping, even when he started with just a part-time job. He behaved very well the majority of the time, but there were a couple of occasions when we did say to him that if didn't abide by the house rules he would need to find somewhere else to live, mainly when his behaviour had a negative impact on his younger siblings.

     

    Bid :)

  16. Posted · Report reply

    Welcome to the forum, Soraya's son >:D<<'>

     

    First of all, I wanted to say that your brother's behaviour is completely unacceptable, whether he has AS or not.

     

    Do you think there are very clear consequences in place for his behaviour? I think this is the underlying framework for any change, although it is very hard when you are faced with a large 18 year old.

     

    I think that there has to come a point with an adult when the wider family says 'enough is enough'. It is not acceptable for a whole family to live in fear of one member. This may mean some very tough love to safeguard other family members. Have your family considered contacting SS to see if there is any supported living your brother could access?

     

    I think you sound a wonderful older son to be supporting your mum and younger brother like this...and your post is a timely reminder to us parents of the possible impact on other siblings.

     

    Please keep posting as I'm sure other's will have more practical suggestions.

     

    Very best,

     

    Bid >:D<<'>

  17. Posted · Edited by bid · Report reply

    Hi Hughey,

     

    I have a dx of AS, and I'm old enough to be your mum ;) with 4 kids, 3 in the age-group mentioned.

     

    To be honest, I think this idea of your teens/early twenties being the best time of your life is a bit of a myth. I think there are very, very few teens who have a life like something from an American teen movie. From what I've seen, the inbetweeners is a much more accurate portrayal of that time in anyone's life!

     

    I'm not trying to down-play how you are feeling...you do sound depressed. Just please don't think that everyone who doesn't have AS is having a brilliant, wild time.

     

    Just to add: you say you have a 'very low" IQ of 89. Firstly, I'm not sure that is particularly low, given that 70 or below is the criteria for learning disability. Secondly, the way you express yourself suggests to me that you may have a much higher IQ score...all that IQ tests 'test' is your ability to do IQ tests, and people with AS have a notoriously spikey profile. Finding maths difficult doesn't mean that you're not intelligent, it just means that you find maths difficult.

     

    Bid >:D<<'>

  18. Posted · Edited by bid · Report reply

    I would agree with the others - you need to read the relevant procedures and follow them to the letter. Have all the incidents been recorded? Have you kept a record of the support you have offered? Was your line manager's request to you to deal with it, in writing?

     

    I would speak to your line manager now - it will be difficult for you to remain detached when speaking to the "bully" now as you are now personaly involved.

     

    "I wondered about saying that if the situation doesn't change (giving specific examples), then I will go to our line manager and make a formal complaint."

     

    You need to be very careful that this is worded formally and impersonally, otherwise it sounds like a threat and she could then accuse you of bullying! If you have to speak to her, then I would just say that you have been happy to work with her to try to improve things, but that if you receive any further complaints they will have to be dealt with formally. I do think this wodul be better coming from your line manager at this stage though.

     

     

    All these are such excellent points. I didn't record things, as I kept dealing with them and then thinking that was an end of it as the situation would improve, only for something else to then happen a couple of weeks later. Looking back now, I should have written things down from the beginning, but at the start you don't realise that there is going be a pattern, and as my team has always been a close group you want to try to sort things out informally. Nothing from my line manager in writing about how I should support the individual either. I have somethings in writing with regard to the last incident.

     

    Thank you Kazzen for your suggestion of better wording.

     

    It's when I look at the overall picture, I just end up thinking I will keep quiet and just plod on being scrupulously professional and polite myself, as I'm worried that things will be turned round against me...unless there are any further complaints to me from other staff.

     

    I could use Kazzen's phrasing, and start keeping a record of any further incidents so that if I do go to my line manager I can at least show written records dating from now.

     

    This is so awful, I feel so overwhelmed by it and worried that I am going to be the one who somehow ends up in trouble. I don't know what to do for the best now...I'm now loath to see my line manager without any written records, but I can't go on like this as it is making me quite unwell.

     

    Bid :(

     

    I also wanted to say thank you all for replying...just writing it down and then reading over it again has helped, although I'm frustrated that I didn't record things now. But then it is very complicated when it is a close team, as your instinct is to sort things out informally.

  19. Posted · Edited by bid · Report reply

    I think it's a good step to go to the individual if it's not going to cause too much stress for you, and if you think the person is capable of seeing what's going wrong and willing and able to do something about it. Giving her specific examples of what has to change and a time frame for it will help it not to appear personal.

     

     

    I have actually done this on a number of occasions...I think this will be my last attempt!

     

    Bid :)

  20. Posted · Edited by bid · Report reply

    Thank you everyone for your replies >:D<<'>

     

    The situation is so difficult because I have tried so hard to avoid the official path as I don't want to cause trouble and I hoped I could sort out the situation on my own.

     

    My line manager has been aware of certain difficulties for some time and has encouraged me to take a supportive approach which I have tried my absolute best to do, so in a way it would be easy to broach the subject. But equally, I feel as though I have let my line manager down by not being able to sort it out myself.

     

    A further difficulty is that the nature of our work, and the long hours we work, mean that we have always had a very close team in the past. This particular individual is now the same grade as me, and it would also be impossible to not be alone together due to the nature of our work.

     

    I did wonder about this as a possible next step. I need to speak to the individual about the last incident. I wondered about saying that if the situation doesn't change (giving specific examples), then I will go to our line manager and make a formal complaint.

     

    What do people think about that as a next step? I just want the situation to stop. I don't think we will ever be able to regain the previous team spirit or camaraderie, but just professional politeness would be fine.

     

    It also worries me that your experiences here haven't been hugely positive when you have gone to senior management with a problem like this, which is another reason why I have tried to sort things out myself :ph34r:

     

    Bid :unsure:

  21. Posted · Report reply

    Oops, I misunderstood what you meant by you becoming the main target. I wasn't suggesting you had handled things ineffectively. There is nothing in your post to suggest that at all. I thought you meant the people getting bullied were starting to target you because they felt this way. Sorry!

     

    I think you do need to ask your line manager to step in. It may appear inappropriate if you tried to handle it yourself since you are now involved as the victim. Your manager is likely to believe that he would behave this way because of the history.

     

    Thanks Tally. When you went to your line manager, what happened next if you still have to work with the partuclar individual?

     

    Bid :)

  22. Posted · Edited by bid · Report reply

     

    I don't quite understand. Are you the one being bullied, or are you trying to deal with a situation where one of your staff is bullying someone else and are being accused of doing so ineffectively?

     

     

    I have been trying to deal with a situation where colleagues I'm responsible for have been the target, and at the same time I have also been a target. Somehow I seem to have ended up the main target now. No one has said I have handled things ineffectively :unsure:

     

    I have done a number of very specific things (largely surrounding offering more practical support to the individual with our line manager's knowledge and encouragement) to try and sort out the problems. I have also made it very clear to the individual how and why their behaviour is having a very negative effect on others.

     

    It's difficult, because I can't really put anymore details...just wrote long post, which I then felt I should delete! :wacko:

     

    Bid :(

  23. Posted · Report reply

    Hi Bunty :)

     

    Have you taken advice from either IPSEA or ACE?

     

    I think the main thing is that the LA and school are failing in their legal obligation as she is not accessing the national curriculum.

     

    It's quite a few years ago now that my son was out of school prior to going to a residential specisl school, so I think I'm probably out of date, but there are others here who have an excellent understanding of the education system and parental rights, etc.

     

    Just to say, I finally got the appropriate provision for my son when he was 15, and he went to special school in the start of year 11.

     

    Hope you can find a positive way forward.

     

    Bid :)

  24. Posted · Edited by bid · Report reply

    Oh dear, no experience of this?

     

    That must be a first for the forum, no one pitching in with their pennorth!! :o;)

     

    Maybe it would help if I explained a little more background, although I don't want to go into too much detail.

     

    This is a situation that I have been struggling with for over 6 months, but it is rather complex because it doesn't just involve me. Other staff have been involved, for whom I have a professional responsibility, so I have been trying to support them. But equally, my line manager has asked me to support the particular individual too and I have tried my best to do this too.

     

    Some of the things done have been what I believe to be actual bullying because they are designed to humiliate, others appear to be the result of poor people skills, but still have had a very negative impact on others. Somehow, as the months have gone on and I have tried to support everyone involved, I seem to have ended up the main target.

     

    I have always taken a pride in never crying at work, not even when my dad was dying. But last night, to my absolute shame, I broke down all over one of my poor colleagues. I have almost constant raging indigestion (I have even taken to swigging gaviscon straight from the bottle :o:shame: ), bad eczema and on a number of nights I have spent the first half of my break in tears, and have now got to the stage that as I drive to work I find I'm on the verge of tears. I used to love my job, but I have never been so unhappy at work, at the moment I feel my job has been ruined.

     

    I know I can't go on like this, but I feel sort of paralysed as I'm not sure what will happen if I go to my line manager. She is a really great line manager, whom I really respect and she has always been really supportive. I guess it's more the logistics of what might happen that I'm worried about, if that makes sense.

     

    Bid :)

  25. Posted · Report reply

    Hi all,

     

    Has anyone successfully gone to their line manager about workplace bullying? If you did, what was done...and what happened if you had to continue to work with the person in question?

     

    Thanks guys,

     

    Bid :unsure:

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