BuntyB

My daughter is 13 now and she hates going out. I did think I was fortunate with having three older siblings that if I needed to go out there was always someone who would stay home with her. She does regularly kick off if we do have to go out, and yes, she will go if it's to get a new book or game, so I have bribed her by saying we will get new shoes (worst nightmare) after we've bought the new book and it seems to be ok. Funnily enough she has refused to get into her Dad's car but will go in mine. In the end I lost my temper and yelled at her about being so flaming difficult! I have to work, I can't always revolve my life round her! Surpringly, once she's over the doorstep she will go. i do actually relate to this myself as I would rather stay at home too! Unfortunately I have to work, shop etc and I tell myself not to be so stupid when I'm stalling as I know I am fine when I get out. It's the anxiety about going from one thing to another. I'm hoping she will eventually realise like me that you sometimes just have to grit your teeth and do things you'd really rather not!

I am looking for some advice with my 16 year old. We offered to take him out of school to a very small private school with the girls but he declined. After enduring 3 years of secondary school he decided he would stay the distance. His teachers have high expectations, predicting A and B grades in everything and he's been under considerable pressure to complete course work to this standard, although he doesn't understand the instructions for a lot of it. We have explained to the staff who have offered after school sessions which has added its own pressures (you're supposed to finish school at 3pm and get on the school bus, not 5pm and master public transport!) On top of this, he has found himself with the attentions of a girl, which he really can't handle, and a couple of bullies phoning and texting him, calling him a freak and that's just the repeatable bit. The poor lad can't take much more. We have tried talking to school, but the head of year doesn't even know who he is! and informed the police about the obscene texts. Over the Easter hols he has been suicidal. I've tried explaining that although education is important we have to take care of these thoughts. I'm going to ask for a referral back to CAMHS but from a practical point of view, can we manage by keeping him home to revise and just go in for exams? With only a few weeks to go, it wouldn't be practical to move schools. Any suggestions/ ideas would be helpful.

The children have certainly got a lot of pleasure from the trampoline! I am now trying to find a very sturdy swing that will take an adult size teenager if anyone has any suggestions, or any other fairly compact play equipment that will burn off some energy and stand up to rough play. Most outdoor play stuff only goes to age 10 or 12 at the most.

Hi, We always have clothes problems but I noticed the other day that my daughter (13) is wearing her school trousers undone and pulling her jumper over the top to disguise it. I told her we'll need to order some more which she said ok to (I buy mail order because we can't get her near a shop) and have asked her to help me choose the right ones, but she won't. I've asked if any of her school trousers still fit at which point she yelled 'I don't know' and ran away! Flippin' heck. Hard work! I guess it's either because she feels awkward that she can't fasten her trousers any more or anxiety about the new clothes but it needs to be done- just wonder if anyone has any suggestions? I usually end up buying a load of different ones which I will find hidden and unworn months down the line when I can't return them!

There's some good advice already regarding school, however, I will say that I have some sympathy about my daughter and how she struggles to go anywhere because I am a bit like that too! Whenever something is coming up, I think 'I wish I wasn't going to work, out for a meal, to a party' etc but I tell myself now not to be so stupid because I know full well that I am fine when I get there. It's the the thought of going that's the problem! It sounds like your son is good at drawing pictures of how he feels. Perhaps he can draw what he feels like when he knows he has to go somewhere and what he feels like once he's actually there. My daughter is just beginning to realise that her expectations of what it's going to be like are far more negative than the real thing! Preparing does help. Explaining what's happening and when and what to expect is useful. Visual timetables with treats built in and 'time out' between stopping one thing and starting another helps. We used to get ready for school before a tv programme and when it finished it was time to switch off and go, but any sort of time limited activity would do. not having something ready like a PE kit or a pair of socks is generally what pushed mine over the edge so it helps to get as much organised as possible. Best of luck with this though, because mine always managed to lose what was put out between bedtime and the morning. I've resorted to locking things in the car boot!!

The same thought had crossed my mind, but what do you do? Do you keep trying to tease the information out of her or go and look despite the fact she doesn't want me in her room, or just leave her be? Must be awkward when things like PE come up!

she's 13 and they are boy shorts. She has a basket in her room. All her clothes go in....except the pants! She needs a bra, but we aren't even going there...!!!!

I've mentioned before that my daughter never puts her undies in the wash. I've tried to broach the subject a few times, but she's extremely evasive and won't discuss it. She doesn't like pants that are 'girlie' so any that had a bow on the elastic or a flower got dumped in her sisters room. I eventually found some she said were ok, black and white spotted shorts and ordered 14 pairs but... they have disappeared! I am not sure if she throws them away rather than put them in the wash, but if she does, what is she wearing? The same pair all the time or none?! When she's very evasive I'm always torn between letting her be and pusuing it. She doesn't like anyone going in her room but I'm tempted to see if they are stuffed someewhere. What do you lot think?

I've had these issues with mine over clothes and after a while you get to know what will be acceptable. If he's able to tell you which clothes he likes and why, that's great, but mostly mine couldn't. I do understand because if I touch man-made material, the sensation makes me cringe! So best to pick cotton which is much kinder to the skin. Socks with seams across toe (feel inside for a ridge) are a no-no. ( My son told me he doesn't like seeds in his socks- took me a while to work out what they were!) My best tip from organising mine for the past 23 years is that if you find a pair of acceptable socks, by a dozen pairs! I've even bought shoes in my daughter's size and a size bigger for when she grows out of them as finding ok stuff is such a nightmare! And a glimmer of hope... I thought school uniform would be impossible, but they've all acepted you have to wear it, like it or lump it!!

Hi, This sounds just like my 14 year old daughter. She doesn't have a dx as such, but was tested borderline on dyslexia, although her English is extremely good and it was suggested she may have dyscalculia. Certainly she has always had a problem with numbers. On testing she had problems with her 'sequential memory' in other words, she cannot follow a task through without losing track. I despair all the time over lost items! I did get support with this included on her IEP at school- for what good it did- she was always in detention for losing things despite it being a recognised problem! All I can say is tackling one subject at a time (eg shoes in box) and constantly repeating practice of into house, shoes in box, does eventually sink in. I think the temptation to ignore stuff is the worst danger. If he can tie laces at school, perhaps being a bit more matter of fact about practicing skills at home might work. I'm thinking of having a website to Name and Shame my daughter with her bedroom. It is appalling and although we are talking teen's bedrooms, there is appalling and total chaos. When chaos stresses her as much as I know it does, it doesn't make sense, does it? But I honestly believe she has no idea how to start tidying up. Just on a funny point, if you send your child to tidy up, will you find them hours later sat in the mess gazing pointlessly at a small pice of plastic or an elastic band?!!!!

I haven't been able to get Lucy to wear a coat all Winter! She doesn't like new clothes and told me last year's winnter coat was fine, however, when the weather got colder and I tried to get her to wear it, she decided it was too small. She keeps insisting she is too hot. I've had similar issues with Tom, either wearing big coats in summer and next to nothing in winter so not really all that surprised, but it does worry me if people see her arrive at school in below freezing in just her school jumper! I've tried looking at what the problem might be. She says she feels 'stuffed' if she wears one. I sort of know what she means- she has broad shoulders like me and I don't like tight coats. I'm sick of bringing back all sorts of coats, jackets, gilets etc just for her to refuse to try them on because they aren't right. I'm less bothered about whether she actually wears it; I'd just like to be seen to have provided her with one!!

I wonder if anyone can offer advice about explaining hurtful behaviour? My daughter is almost 13. She will do things with me, sometimes her brother or sisters, but she won't have anything to do with her Dad. If he sits near her, she gets up and walks away. if he makes her something to eat, she won't have it. The other night I was pleasantly surprised when she offered to come with us to decorate a tree for a Christmas dance. When she saw her Dad get his coat, she said 'Is HE coming? Because if he is, I'm not'. I feel really sorry for my husband because he really loves her but she always says he hates her. I don't know why, and I can't convince her otherwise. She sometimes says he 'shouts at her'. He doesn't, I think it's just his tone of voice because she often thinks if someone raises their voice, say in a PE lesson so that everyone can hear, or has a deeper voice that she thinks that is someone shouting at her and takes offence. I've tried to explain that her behaviour hurts him. She either doesn't understand or doesn't want to. When I talk to her she just gets edgy and constantly says 'Can I go now?' Does anyone have any suggestions or any success in explaining to a child with AS?

I think this will strike a chord with a lot of people. Certainly in my case, finding out about my daughter's diagnosis of AS made sense of my life! I do believe that there are an awful lot of undiagnosed adults out there! If you read through the threads, I think most areas find it difficult to get a diagnosis for adults. The question is, would it achieve anything? If your husband is happy as he is and not wrestling with trying to understand or make sense of his life, he won't gain anything. In fact he might be quite upset! Would it help you or your family? Perhaps you would feel better by being able to explain what people see as eccentric behaviour. But you might be able to do this anyway off the back of getting a diagnosis for your child. You could explain that lots of people have these problems and don't mean to come over as 'rude' it's just the way their brain is wired. There isn't any treatment, you won't change him and for all his quirkiness, I guess there are parts of him that you love, like his honesty and predictability or you wouldn't have fallen for him in the first place? You could get hold of some books for the family to read about AS. They may well work it out for themselves.

Hi, I wonder if anyone has any suggestions on our latest problem! Our daughter at 12 is going through a phase of storming off and slamming doors and telling us to 'leave her alone' everytime you ask her to do something. I suppose it is quite typical of this age to have moody phases, but when it's things like washing hair or changing clothes I would like to explain why we do certain things, or social stories etc have been suggested in the past, but when you can't get a dialogue open, it's a real problem. It doesn't just happen to me. Sometimes her siblings ask her quite nicely if she'd like to play or watch a film and she slams the door in their faces. She's really quite aggressive and rude towards them. Any ideas?

My daughter is 12 and she also says she has a miserable life. She refuses to go anywhere because it will be 'awful', but when we push her to go out with the family, she ends up running about with her sisters and brothers laughing and giggling. Yet when we get home, if anyone dares to suggest she had a good time, on comes the frown and the pout and she says 'It was an awful day. I hated it.' ! It's a shame she goes mad if anyone tries to take her photo because I'd love to show her that she does appear to be perfectly happy! We had someone from child protection doing an assessment on us because she posted a very dark poem on the internet wishing she was dead! So, so embarrassing! And even more so for my daughter who was cowering under the duvet shouting 'Make them go away'. That was directed at social services, not us but I did worry we would appear to not be taking very seriously her seemingly suicidal tendencies! She does blow very hot and cold, but I just think we've come to expect it. I was also a miserable child. What worries me were the teens and early twenties were dreadful....perhaps I ought not scare us all!!!

My first port of call would be the school SENCO/ your LEA. Surely they will offer some advice on getting to school? HomeStart is a good idea if you come in one of there areas because the help is free and volunteers are CRB checked. They could hold the fort at home while you give your older child special attention on the journey abd you'll have time for the little ones once he's safely at school. If not, just a thought, but have you asked Social Services for a list of private providers of care/help? I am not in the same district or same age range (I deal with over 65s!) but our list covers providers who also do special needs children. If you can't get funding and have to pay for some help, your DLA will help fund it. Don't wait for statements etc. get the form ordered NOW because it will be backdated! Not only that but you don't need a dx, just have to demonstrate the amount of extra care you need to provide- there is plenty of advice on DLA on here.

i'm assuming it works the same way as other departments. SS can't provide a service unless the child has been assessed as being eligible and meets the criteria. If there is an out of hours crisis that won't wait, rapid response can fill the gap. I really feel for anyone who feels desperate enough to have to contact social services, but when you do, I think it's important to bear a few things in mind. 1. The social worker is there to protect your child not you. 2.if you have read the link, you'll notice the aim of the Children Act is to keep families together If your child is running you ragged, they have a duty to refer you to services which would help (hence NAS suggestion). The way you get help is when your child is in danger because you aren't capable of looking after him. You are entitled to a carers assessment, so you can ask for one and your abilities have to be taken into account. I would recommend you allow enough time for them to assess and plan the respite if possible. Finding emergency placements is very difficult and they tend to use family where possible. The suggestion that your younger child can be assessed as being in danger from an older sibling is a valid point. But it is quite hard to prove. I feel really sorry you have to put up with all of this. there should really be a SS department for stressed mothers. <'> <'> <'> <'>

I dont know if your DD has periods yet, but my daughter ignored her first one and I had to ... well help a lot with that sort of thing. We were always finding soiled pants in the laundry bin too, sometimes she didnt wipe her bottom (when in teens) Yes, we have found soiled pants in the past and I did go on about it, so I wondered if she finds some way of disposing of them! No, she hasn't started periods yet, or at least to my knowledge! She's off to stay at my mum's tomorrow. She's arranged to take her swimming and I know why

Does anyone have any tips on encouraging personal hygiene? One very smelly 12 year old! She does occassionally get in the shower, but forgets to use shampoo or shower gel! Clothes are very dirty, sometimes wears sweatshirts on top of pjs then puts them back on during the day! I dread to think about underwear. I don't know where it goes because there's never any in teh basket. Can't find any dirties in her room either. Unless she always has the same one on...!!! She's very evasive and defensive if we bring the subject up.

If you think about what the criteria is, would you say your child needs constantly supervising? It sounds as if he does! A child can vary so much, and even if he's being good right now, does not mean he doesn't need watching in case things escalate. You should meet Middle Rate Care, or higher rate if he has night time needs too, and the only way you can demosntrate that is by giving examples of the sort of danger he could put himself in if he wasn't watched, ie, trying to break glass! no, don't feel like a fraud. you're telling it how it is.

Hi, I feel for you too. My daughter used to wander around the playground and said nobody liked her. The other children did try to include her but she always turns the other way or looks at the floor when they ask, so I think they eventually gave up! I took her teacher a book aimed at her age group which explained in simple terms what AS is and why it is hard for her to join in. She decided to let two children read the book and one of them volunteered to be her 'special friend' and the teacher always sat them together. It worked really well until Lucy was 10 when she made a friend all by herself. I was very proud of her, but it did cause problems when the first girl got jealous! But it did get us through 4 years of school!

We did find out what the problem is. It was a missing worksheet. It's always over homework or a lesson. If there's a problem she'd rather kick off in an attempt to stay at home so she doesn't have to deal with it. I'm not sure that she's being devious, it's just how she tries to deal with a problem. I keep trying to instill in her that if there's a problem we have to deal with it properly or it just happens again and again.. It isn't easy when you have several children who all need taking to school and I can't leave her at home, which is why it gets so fraught! Also, although work can be sympathetic, I can't just not go into work because she's having a tantrum! Anyway I hope none of the neighbours were listening, because I told her tantrum or not she was going to school even if I had to tie her to the car bumper! and she did get in the car! She howled and screamed all the way so I was frantically chewing on wine gums trying to keep my cool. My head was ringing for hours afterwards but apparently she was fine in school. The worksheet was there! I have every sympathy when things are tough for her, but I don't want her to learn that avoidance is the answer or tantrums get her her own way. i'm having the tow rope on standby

My 12 year old is sobbing hysterically and I can't calm her down. I suspect it's a school lesson or homework think but she's so hysterical I can't get a word out of her. Any ideas?

We have been claiming DLA for my son since he was 12. He is now about to reach 16 and needs to make a claim in his own right. When we got the DLA, we didn't tell him (in case he thought it was for games, lol!) but now that I have spoken to him about it, he is mortified. He does not want to make another claim because he doesn't want to associate with 'disability'. I can understand his point of view, because he's had a lot of difficulty coming to terms with what it means to have AS (self-harm etc) and I have been reinforcing the fact that he is not 'abnormal;, just thinks differently and he's accepted that and been more at peace, so this seems to contradict what I have said. I can respect his wishes, it will mean less money coming in, but what I am more concerned about is that DLA opens doors and he could be disadvantaged without it. He is high functioning and hopes to go to Uni, but he will need support. He denies this. he says he does just fine, but that's because he is familiar with his route to school and doesn't go out alone. He still needs me to help with communication; interpreting what people mean and speaking on his behalf, but he doesn't see that. i can't claim on his behalf as being too disabled, because of the fact he is high functioning. Has anyone expereinced this, or got support without a diagnosis or DLA?

Hi all, I have just had a weepy do after spending a few weeks decorating dd's bedroom in pretty pink, new furniture, carpet, new cases for CDs etc etc. Expensive, but it did look fab when it was done. I have just been up there and in less than a week, she has broken the drawers, spilt make-up on the carpet, and clothes and books everywhere. I have told her off and she has now barricaded herself in screaming her head off! It might have seemed daft to have done it in the first place, but I think it's depressing living in a dump. Prior to the refurb, her bed was chewed and too small and the paint all picked off. It's not the only thing that's been destroyed. We have to replace the lock on the bathroom door and the loo seat regularly! I started decorating the hall and landing two years ago but never finished it because the kids were picking off the paper and scraping the paint. You just begin to wonder if it's worth all the effort! I despair!