BuntyB

Hi Willow Tree, I hope you don't mind me asking, but how did you meet your partner if you rarely go out? That's one of my concerns for my daughter. Not that she has to meet someone, just she doesn't have the option.

College isn't working out for my daughter, age 17. Her special talent is her writing. Teachers have told her she is particularly gifted and she would like to write and make her way as an author. Although I'm an advocate of having a plan B whilst pursuing your dreams, it would be perfect for her if she can sell her work but I don't know how we would go about registering her as being occupied doing this as her self-employed job officially, even though I know she won't earn to begin with. I also don't know where to find support to get her work recognised. Has anyone any experience of this?

I know it's not unusual to spend long periods of time in your room, especially in your teens but I think being on the autism spectrum even moreso. I sometimes don't see my daughter for days! I feel a bit like I have timid creature like a squirrel or a bird upstairs. She doesn't want to come down for meals often saying she's not hungry. But if I leave food outside the door and go away, she does eat it. My worry is that if she doesn't practice her social interaction with the rest of the family it will get even harder to go out. Have any of you been through this and come out the other side?

My son was wet until 13. He used pj pants until he was too big for them. We saw a specialist who recommended start charts and an alarm to help him notice and want to be dry. He explained that if you have it in your head you want to wake up before it happens (e.g. on Christmas morning) then you can This didn't work for us at all and he really didn't want an alarm because it announced to the family when he'd had an accident. The odd thing that helped him was explaining that lots of children on the autism spectrum find this tricky but it does get better. He commented 'So it isn't my fault?' which I was surprised at as we'd always said this. Shortly after he did become dry. I do think that helping him hold a full bladder during the day though will make it easier not to dribble at night.

I guess areas vary considerably but if you can't do a meal at all, you would be at substantial risk! there are other options, for example, floating support if it's considered your needs are of a lower level. They would help with budgeting and getting out. For meals you can buy hot meals delivery or frozen meals to microwave that are balanced without needing a social worker?

She is at mainstream college doing A levels in English Lang and Lit and History but she doesn't feel able to go in. It feels like once she got to 16 everyone's abandoned her!

I've asked elsewhere but think my question has got misunderstood and really hope someone can help me. I'm trying to find out what help I can access for my daughter age 17 and for myself as a carer. I work full time and feel guilty I am not around for my daughter. It's also hard to 'switch off' and focus at work. My daughter has a diagnosis of AS and had input from CAMHS but we've been told she was discharged as she is doing her A levels in college, not school. I've seen our GP who said to wait for new referral elsewhere but heard nothing. She can't cope with college and so is currently off sick. I've taken leave this week but we need a plan from here. College did offer counselling but in college where she can't go!

Maybe. But where would I get a support worker and somewhere quieter?

My daughter had a lot of problems with bullying/ anxiety in school. Eventually CAMHS referred her to a small specialist unit where she completed her GCSEs. This worked well and she enrolled at college to do her A levels. Unfortunately college is not going well. She has lots of anxiety issues about the size of the place and the number of people there, although the work doesn't pose a problem. Our GP referred her back to CAMHS but we've been told she's been discharged because she's not in school now? Nobody told us! College say they can offer counselling but she can't bring herself to go into the building. They do offer distance learning but only in a couple of subjects she doesn't do. Does anyone know of any options for us? She definitely wouldn't want to return to mainstream school and I can't see her being able to do a job yet.

Yes, I do appreciate where I went wrong and I will be more guarded in future, I'm just not sure how I can regain face in the office after this or if I can acquire the right skills. If I say I have a disability, the DDA does apply but equally it could bring up that I lack the capability to do my job.

Do people in the staff room know about your AS? Because you would think they of all people would know how to make allowances. But if it's school rather than teaching, could you do one to one work, mentoring or home tutoring?

Well this was my mistake. I work in a team of about six and was accused of talking to more junior workers about things that didn't concern them, one of which was alleged to breach confidentiality. The thing is that people ask me things and I just find myself answering honestly without thinking through whether it really concerns them or not. I also tried to help another member of staff who said she had problems with her manager, but if she said anything, there would be repercussions, so I raised the issue because I thought this was wrong. Instead it was twisted to be my fault. the person concerned made out I'd lied and was really mad at me for bringing it up, but then I couldn't understand why she told me in the first place if she didn't want me to help. Since then I often see people change the subject when I come in the room or whispering which just makes me feel uncomfortable. There are two other managers there who clearly don't seem to like each other and have been heard running each other's service down but I don't know why because they do different things, are funded differently and there doesn't seem to be anything to gain from it. I've been told not to trust anyone and to be careful what I say, but I can't bear to be in an office all day and not speak to anybody. I've spent all this time learning how to speak to people so I appear friendly because I want to get along with folk!

Hi, my daughter was diagnosed with AS several years ago. She is SO like me and reading up on the autism spectrum helped me make a lot of sense of the difficulties I have had in my life. I spoke to my GP who told me that if it helped me to use the label of AS to do so. He did not feel a formal diagnosis was necessary. I am now approaching my 50s and over the years of observing and copying people who coped in different environments, I feel I manage ok. However, I have recently run into a number of problems at work where I have been accused of acting inappropriately. People have misunderstood what I have said and now I feel alienated. My manager has taken me to task and I feel really unhappy and inadequate. I thought everyone at work was 'on the same side' because we are all working to a common goal. Another manager told me 'off the record' not to be so naive. He said that everyone has their own agenda. I don't understand the things that are going on around me and it's made me think that perhaps I am not as good as I thought at communicating and I don't understand 'mind games'. I don't know who I can talk to or who I can trust. I am wondering if I should have declared a disability before I started work, but then with no diagnosis and believing it would not affect my work I didn't say. I am in a position where I am expected to manage staff and I'm not sure I can do this now, but I don't want to lose my job as being incapable.

My daughter has been given a family fund grant for outdoor play as she loves the swings but because she's 16 she was getting up at 5am to go to the park when nobody else was there. Our garden is not very large and quite slopey so we can't get much on there but they gave us a trampoline, which she loves and an Argos voucher for a single swing (anything bigger wouldn't fit) We don't want to appear ungrateful, because it's wonderful what they've done, but Argos don't do swings to take a 16 year old; she is adult size. I've offered to send it back; they did say they'd consider an alternative. Any ideas around the £200?

We found the knife when the bullying was going on. She is still at school; it's her sister who has gone on to college. The knife was under the bed and she admitted to harming herself and we have input from CAMHS and this is why she doesn't go to any lessons where the bullies are (I am mad as hell about this but that's another tale and am taking issue with school as she was the one punished here not the bullies, however it's gone to far now to backtrack) She isn't self-harming now as far as I'm aware. It's difficult to talk to her as if you broach a sensitive subject, she retreats to her bedroom and doesn't speak.

She was diagnosed at 9. She stopped going to brownies, cheer leading etc. She used to spend more time with her sisters and brother but when she wanted her own space we split a bedroom to make two little rooms. I know she like her own space, e.g. goes straight there after school to calm herself. She used to go to school with her sister until last year and now she is at college so I think that's made a big difference as her sister was a big support. She has been bullied at school and did get very stressed and that's when she self-harmed. She is better with the reduced timetable but that has brought other stresses as she is worried about failing her exams even though she has always been well ahead she now has a big disadvantage. I spent a lot of time at her age too and also self-harmed because I was so so miserable but I also don't think I'd have coped if my parents had dragged me off places. It's hard to know the best way to help.

My son was the same. He didn't understand why it was important- until he met a girl! Now he showers every day and goes through loads of shampoo and deodorant. If he isn't worried what his peers think of him, has he expressed any interest in having a relationship and would that make a difference? Does he still live with his family? I don't know if people hint at him that it would be a good idea if he washed more because that doesn't always compute. Typically people will hint round the subject in case it causes offense but means people with AS don't see what you're getting at. We've had more success with our daughter by saying 'I'm sorry but you can't come in this car with me because you smell awful. Please wash the smell off!' The other thing is that my daughter will have a shower and then put her dirty clothes back on and she sometimes sleeps in her clothes too unless we spell out what's expected of her. What would happen if he was told he couldn't come into class if he hasn't showered and put clean clothes on? If you can't find a suitable resource and he's better with written and or picture instructions, I'd be inclined to make a booklet saying exactly what he would understand from your knowledge of him. What about his fellow students- are they supportive? Being creative sorts maybe they could help by acting out the scenario of someone who has no friends because of his personal hygiene problem? Just a thought!!

My daughter with AS is 15 and spends virtually all day every day in her room. I know it's not that unusual for teenagers anyway, but she is on a reduced timetable at school which means she only goes 1 hour 4 times a week so she doesn't really mix with anyone. She does go on the trampoline occasionally but still on her own. If I suggest she does something else she huffs and puffs and makes excuses. I have asked her what she's doing up there all day- her sister thinks she sleeps a lot. She used to say 'nothing' but since I said she can't be doing nothingshe now asks why I want to know. We have found knives in her room before so I do worry about her, but wonder whether to push her harder to do things outside her room, or just leave her to mix when she's ready. What do you think?

Computer seems to be behaving today, so thanks for your advice! Bxx

Don't know Baddad, I've never downloaded anything from the internet before now and guess have never had antivirus but have run a computer for 9 years with no problem until now. I have downloaded what you suggested, it says there is a problem with the programme I can see in task manager (the letters and numbers thing) and it suggests it closes it so hoped that might solve the problem, but it still pops up anyway. What's it actually supposed to do? Sorry if I sound simple, but I know loads of people who say they have antivirus but their computers go wrong. I was worried about downloading something 'free' and letting something in unpleasant! Ah, I see the scan now it says 1063 files scanned, none infected?

Thanks both of you. I have 'Zone Alarm Pro' on my computer? I ran Microsoft pages and it said there were no viruses (viri??) on it. However, ran housecall and it said I had 21 threats! anyway will see if there's any improvement since none of the things it came up with were things I've seen in start or task manager.

My pc is doing weird things! When using IE, a new tab opens with a page full of script. The only bit you can read is 'this program cannot be run in dos mode'. Then explorer closes. My pc is running really slow, I can't type without freezing. I'm a novice but have used MSconfig to stop programmes pinning to Start. I have something constantly pins itself called HCKU software- not sure what it is. I also get a message that a programme has encountered a problem and needs to close down. It's a collection of numbers and letters- if it comes up again, I can let you know what it is, but I googled it and nothing shown of anyone else complaining about it. It appears in task manager several times despite the constant close message. I can only think it's a virus of some sort. When I was at college, the librarian gave me a link to a safe pc scan but I no longer have it. I know some are scams and some intended to scare you into buying software so don't want to use any old thing. Do you have any advice? Thanks, Bx Did it again: it is '3s7m5jo7.exe'

Thanks Mumble, that's really kind as I sometimes think everyone around me believes I'm in cloud cuckoo land, but they don't see the potential that I do. You must be an amazing person to do that by yourself!

My daughter is currently in year 10, which is why I am hoping we can get something sorted for next year. The 5 hours tuition was organised by CAHMS but probably provided by the LEA? because she was finding it hard to go into school. I've found it hard to get anyone who's attended meetings (inclusion, senco, cahms etc) to take her academic ability seriously. They suggested that she transfer to college as they have an arrangement with them for vocational courses and I said none of them would be suitable (hairdressing, plumbing, carpentry etc) because she is academic and not interested in these things. They said it wasn't about the courses, it was about developing social skilss as she won't get anywhere without them. When I said she would need her GCSEs and A levels (hence why she wanted to come to that school) to go to Uni, they looked shocked and asked WHO was putting those expectations on her, and wasn't it up to us as parents to suggest something more realistic!! (I put angry on here, but they didn't see me angry- I went home and cried, it was so hurtful) The things is my daughter is SO like me. It took me til I was 40 to get to Uni and I really want to back her up if it's what she wants to do. Kathryn what you say about the offers is encouraging. What did they do to decide they could offer places? Go on previous marks?

Of the workplace bullying, yes. Going to the line manager, no. That was because it was the manager! I just left My union contacted me and asked if I wanted to fight it. I said no. Silly, but at the time I was to worn down and didn't want to go back. With hindsight,and after doing employment law at Uni, I wish I'd have got her well and truely done!