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despite those traits... stood by him for a decade...? No 'flaw' or whiff of martyrdom there then? I won't respond to the 'if I were to tell you... about my son', because I think that would likely be received as negative judgements too. I don't mind that you don't want to take/listen to the advice I'm offering... what I do mind is that you seem to want to 'shoot the messenger', doubly so because the 'message' is, I hope, one that you would want someone putting forward if it was your son being posted about here by some future partner of his seven years after she married him knowing exactly what his flaw/problems/whatever you want to call thems were from the outset. L&P BD

Hi lisa - I'm not going to respond in any great detail to your post as I think whatever I say you will interpret it as some sort of negative judgement, but I will quickly point out that whatever the changes in your medical condition and any changing expectations this would not - as I have explained a couple of times now - be relevant to your husband's 'autistic tendencies' unless he happens, against all medical odds, to have developed autism over the past seven years. as far as the counselling etc went you posted that: and you are posting about difficulties within your relationship. If I've in any way misunderstood that by interpreting that 'counselling etc in the past...hasn't resolved all your problems', I'm at a loss to understand how that is my error, or why it was negatively judgemental to point it out. With your son, I made a passing observation about lowered expectation and autism. I'm sorry, but i stand by that too. I think if your son enacts violent, aggressive behaviours and you do not sanction them he will continue to enact them. I have never seen any dynamic where that's not the case, be the aggression labelled 'meltdown' or anything else, and whether enacted by an autistic child, a neurotypical child or even one of the many, many adults who grow up with the belief that it is okay to behave aggressively and abusively towards others who will make themselves victims for them. I'm sorry I responded to your request for advice by offering advice that you didn't want to hear, but to be honest I can't see where that advice is flawed. If anyone else can, and can explain it in a way that shows the flaws rather than just generally disagreeing because it's not what they wanted to hear I'd be grateful L&P BD

Hi lisa - I'm not going to respond in any great detail to your post as I think whatever I say you will interpret it as some sort of negative judgement, but I will quickly point out that whatever the changes in your medical condition and any changing expectations this would not - as I have explained a couple of times now - be relevant to your husband's 'autistic tendencies' unless he happens, against all medical odds, to have developed autism over the past seven years. as far as the counselling etc went you posted that: and you are posting about difficulties within your relationship. If I've in any way misunderstood that by interpreting that 'counselling etc in the past...hasn't resolved all your problems', I'm at a loss to understand how that is my error, or why it was negatively judgemental to point it out. I'm sorry I responded to your request for advice by offering advice that you didn't want to hear, but to be honest I can't see where that advice is flawed. If anyone else can, and can explain it in a way that shows the flaws rather than just generally disagreeing because it's not what they wanted to hear i'd be grateful L&P BD

Well worth contacting Sunderland, but the movicol could be because he's 'retaining'... what tends to happen is it breaks up the outer layer of the ball (causing soiling probs with the outer, now liquid, layer), but doesn't really move the blockage at all. It has become more common for kids with AS and NT, but no-one seems to know why (?). Maybe it's something to do with disposable rather than terry nappies! The highs.. wouldn't be too quick to jump to the assumption of 'sugar rush' (see above re tv show experiments), but it could be food related in other ways or even related to his bowel issues (if he is retaining he would be putting considerable effort into that at times and it could possibly be quite painful). Wouldn't rule out stuff like plain old tiredness and boundary testing either - how are his sleep routines and does he visit 'the naughty step' as a consequence for these naughty tantrums? The test via sunderland cost about £30 the last time i looked, but it is well worth it. Not all kids - even those testing positive -are helped by the diet, but if the test is negative at least you know it's not even worth going through the motions (a potential 9 months worth of hard work for nowt). HTH L&P BD Oh an afterthought... lots of kids with AS 'tippy-toe' walk, but so do kids who retain (buttock clenching and stiff legs are easier to maintain on tipy-toe!). So if he tippy-toes it could be AS or it could be an indicator of retaining, esp if it seems quite sporadic (i.e. only when he's fighting his stomach's natural urge to take a dump!)

Hi again Lisa - The point I was trying to make (and others too, I think?) is encapsulated within the above: Your expectations change completely depending on whether he is AS or not, and they really shouldn't... If your partner has always been the way he is and genuinely can't change, it doesn't matter if those things are AS related or not - it would still be totally unreasonable of you to move the goalposts after all these years and start expecting him to do things he can't do. There are all sorts of other reasons why people may be socially phobic, socially inept, emotionally withdrawn etc, and those reasons can be equally as 'valid' as when those behaviours are enacted by someone with autism. On the other hand, if he can change, then lowering expectations that he does so purely on the basis that he's been given a bit of paper with 'autism' written on it is equally unreasonable, and patronising to boot! In essence, he is who he is, which from the sound of it is pretty much the same person you met 7 years ago and chose to be with. Trying to put that into perspective: You have said you are a 'highly emotional' person and he isn't, and you find that difficult to cope with. He might equally, and with equal validity, find your 'heightened emotions' difficult to cope with, but you'd probably think he was being unreasonable if he were to suggest that you were somehow 'faulty' and in need of a diagnosis to justify being that way. The comparison you make with your son is equally a very unfair one, because your son's behaviours are nowhere near as ingrained as your husband's (whether 'as' connected or not), and the behavioural issues with your son were clearly ones you didn't anticipate as a parent, you were just landed with them. But you chose your husband; you accepted those behaviours as part of the 'package' of who he was pretty much from the outset and elected to marry and have a family with him. He didn't 'develop' these problems (which is, effectively, how you became aware of your son's), they were part of the man you chose to be with in the same way that your heightened emotions/needs were part of the person he chose. [i would add, BTW, that lowering expectations because you've found out your son has AS will probably be a self-fulfilling prophecy, and not getting 'upset' about behaviours that are unreasonable will only enable him in being disabled...] Finally, I would add that all succesful relationships rely on compromise. It does sound, from what you've described, that your husband is 'delivering' in ways that many, many blokes possibly wouldn't or couldn't. You've said you've had lots of counselling etc in the past and that hasn't resolved all your problems... would I be right in guessing that the problems it hasn't resolved are precisely the ones you are now wanting to ascribe to autism? And wouldn't that, by implication, put the 'blame' on him, regardless of whether that was an accurate conclusion or not? That's pretty harsh, isn't it? If you're genuinely convinced that in your own head you would be more accepting and tolerant of your husband if he had AS then just assume he is. No need for a dx, no need to tell anyone else (unless you're embarrassed by him and want the dx as a foil for that), no need even to tell him. Just flick the switch in your head and do it. But IMO that's not what it should take to accept him for who he is, enjoying the good bits and working to find a middle ground on the bits that aren't so good. To do that, you have to accept that his way of 'being', whether autistic or not, is no less valid than yours, and equally important in terms of his emotional well-being (whether he shows it or not!). L&P BD

Hi CMuir - I don't think anyone ruled out the possibility that the OP's husband could have AS, just that the 'symptoms' described can have all sorts of other explanations, and that dx would be something of a moot point anyway. Yes, people can and do change over time for all sorts of reasons, but the reason it is relevant is because it establishes whether someone has 'changed' through circumstance/inclination. If it is being said now that behaviours can't be helped (are beyond the control of the person enacting them) but these behaviours weren't apparent 7 years ago or could be controlled then that's a 'progressive' problem and by definition can't be autism. Whether it's a 'co-morbid' or not is a different question, but assuming a co-morbid without considering plain old everyday disinclination or lack of consideration/willingness to compromise (which is what happens in most relationships over time) is, IMO, very shortsighted. L&P BD

Hi rob's mum - Firstly, not sure what you mean by 'hypos'? There's an awful lot of controversy surrounding food additives, colourings etc, but IMO it's really hard to tell the wood from the trees these days because most of the evidence is anecdotal rather than scientific. That doesn't mean it's not right (or right in some cases), but there's also a lot of 'woo' in the mix, and of course there's a lot of truth in the old addage that people see what they want or expect to see... One of the chief additives you'll read about is MSG (monosodium glutamate), and in a recent tv programme there was an experiment where a dozen people (adults) who absolutely believed themselves to be affected by MSG were taken out in separate weeks for firstly a chinese resturant meal and then a 'healthy eating' meal (i.e. all fresh produce/salads/veg etc). All of them anticipated problems with the chinese food (MSG is a traditional chinese spice in the form of 'Ve Tsin' seasoning), and reported side effects - some of them chronic - after eating it. The following week they had no symptoms whatsoever with the 'healthy eating' menu. What they didn't know was that the chinese food had all been cooked without any MSG whatsoever, while the 'healthy' food was absolutely loaded with the stuff. Similar experiments have been conducted on kids whose parents believe them to suffer 'sugar highs' - where parents were asked to score their children's bahaviour after two days out, one where they believed the children to have eaten lots of sugary foods and one where they believed the children had eaten healthy options. Again, they pretty much all said behaviour got worse on what they thought were sugar days and improved on non-sugar days, when in fact the days were 'reversed'. Having said that, I avoid MSG in my son's diet wherever possible, because there are other issues associated with it (it's a bit 'moreish' to say the least), and all artificial sweeteners like Aspartame. My rule of thumb is if I can buy or make something with fewer or no additives, then that's got to be the bettter option... Gluten and dairy... This is a huge lifestyle change, though now, thanks to women who think that farting is a sign of wheat or lactose intolerance far less difficlt than it used to be to cater for. There's an advert on at the moment for a product called 'Lactofree' milk, and the wording of that is really interesting... they say '90% of women who think they are lactose intolerant find out they can drink Lactofree'... If even the people marketing the products acknowledge it's likely to be a 'think' rather than 'are' that really says it all... HOWEVER: For children who have stomach problems (leaky gut, diahhorea, vomiting, constipation etc) that aren't caused by other factors (lots of children 'retain' causing what effectively amounts to constipation and diahhorea (or constant 'soiling'), but that's medically a different thing), and specifically kids on the autistic spectrum, there's some pretty convincing theories and research put out by Paul Shattock and the team at the Autism Research Unit in Sunderland... If you contact them (look in the forums resources section - I'm sure there's a link there) you can arrange a very simple urine test (by post) which will tell you if gluten/dairy related intolerances are likely to be affecting your child. It would be absolutely pointless, IMO, 'jumping in' to a gluten/dairy free diet without getting this test done first, and if the diets are introduced they have to be absolutely 100% Gluten and/or Dairy free, which even allowing from 'free from' ranges really demands lots of planning and careful shopping. I would add that my son was Gluten & Dairy free from about the age of three onwards, with leaky gut, diahhorea and vomiting problems etc. The lesions in his gut were confirmed by an endoscopy... Now, at 14 (in two days) we've been 'challenging' the diet for about a year and the problems seem to be resolved. I still cook with Gluten free flours (except on the odd occasion we have pastry) and he has gluten free bread/cereals etc and dairy free milk/butter, purely and simply 'cos there's no need to change those things and gluten/dairy ain't exactly healthy options anyway, but we don't need to worry about it like we used to. HUGE answer, but still loads more you'll need to read up on... have a look in the 'diets and medication' section of the forum you'll find TONS of info on this kind of stuff. Hope the above was a good starter, though, otherwise i've just wasted a good hour typing it! L&P BD

I have just taken delivery of the rather lovely 'Skywatcher's Handbook' by the Skywatchers (who are effectively I Monster + 1) Really annoyed it's taken me six months to realise it was out, but definitely tyhe soundtrack for the (quieter moments of) the rest of my summer!

Hi Lisa - Whether your husband has AS or not is one thing, but the fact that you are ascribing every negative you feel about him to AS is another. Most of the 'symptoms' you describe are precisely the things that women have found problematic about men in their relationships since erm, forever - doesn't 'connect' emotionally or seem to recognise the needs of others, quite selfish about own pursuits (or 'hobbies') but reluctant to engage in family stuff, reluctytant to talk about problems etc etc. There is an growing trend, and a growing industry, surrounding fairly casual diagnosis of Aspergers' or 'High Functioning Aspergers' that takes these fairly standard moans and groans women have about men and then suggests that rather than being biological and psychological differences between men and women there is some sort of flaw that makes the man 'broken' and unreasonable and the woman his hapless and helpless victim. All popular 'self help' books addressing relationships will highlight exactly the kind of issues you have raised. One very popular one from the 90's was "Men are from mars, women are from venus", and it described almost all of the 'symptoms' you've described in the most general way and without mentioning autism or ASD whatsoever. There are similar books about cats (women) and dogs (men) and all sorts of other variations on the same theme. Please understand, I'm not in any way saying that your husband doesn't or can't have AS or ASD - I couldn't possibly know - but the symptoms you are describing - basically selfishness/rudeness/lack of consideration etc - are not AS, and would apply to huge numbers of men if you asked the women they were married to/lived with to describe the 'problems' in their relationships. While historically western women have been subjected to all sorts of assumptions based on their natural behaviours (hysterical, neurotic, pre-menstrual, 'the vapours' etc) women today would find it hugely offensive to be thought of as in some way 'damaged goods' purely for behaving like women often do, and having male value judgements made about them for doing so... The important question, I think, is has he changed fundamentally since you got married, or have the lack of consideration/emotional support etc always been a factor in your relationship? If he has fundamentally changed, then by definition you can't be looking at autism - a lifelong disability that would have affected him then as much as it does now, and that if he was successfully able to 'negotiate' then he would still be able to negotiate if he wanted to. If he hasn't changed, then the real problem is how you now come to perceive him and changes in your expectations of him, which again, isn't 'autism' regardless of whether he is or isn't somewhere on the spectrum. I think you also need to ask yourself where you were, emotionally, seven years ago, when despite warnings from his own mother about how 'difficult' he could be and the negative responses of all your friends & family who found/find him socially inept, rude, abrupt, inconsiderate etc you continued to pursue a relationship that to most outsiders would have looked like a non starter? With regard to your son, there can be all sorts of reasons why men may have very different relationships with their children than their wives have. Parents may also have very differing views on what a child can achieve, what expectations would be reasonable or realistic, what the child needs and how the child is disciplined. In our society, of course, it will almost invariably be mums who take the lead in those things (it might, indeed, be almost impossible within the family dynamic for dad to exert any sort of influence whatsoever), but it doesn't necessarily mean mum is getting it right, as any of those parenting programmes on TV will only too clearly demonstrate! If your husband did get a dx of AS (and believe me, regardless of whether he is or isn't he would, these days, if you pursued it vigorously enough), it would probably make the situation with your son worse, because every time you and your husband disagreed the 'default' positions would be his diagnosis reinforcing your existing belief that he either 'can't see' your son's needs or is 'in denial' about them. that would probably apply to many other areas of your relationship too, making it ultimately a very unequal one. Hope that's helpful even though probably not what you hoped for. L&P BD Oh - one final bit of 'cod psychology' along the lines of women are from venus etc... It IS a cliche, but like most has a very sharp observation at its root: The trouble with relationships is that women think men will change, and they don't, while men think women won't change, and they do...

I did warn you, didn't I? Another seriously garjuss kid I happened to see 't'other day on something on BBC3 called 'Cherry's parenting dilema' (I think?). A new first time mum realising thet it wasn't gonna be quite as straightforward as she had thought looking at different parenting 'styles' and weighing up the pros and cons. Her baby is and absolute sweetie! As for JF tonight... quite controversial and 'challenging' re the 'won't eat anything but chocolate 'n' stuff', but I think fundamentally she is right... You have to look to the bigger picture, and while it aint very nice you have to weigh it against a potential lifetime of poor eating habits, rotten teeth, eating disorders, poor health etc etc. Plus, a child who exerts that much control over their eating is likely to want that much control over other aspects of their life, and once the precedent is set that M&D will cave in if you dig your heels in hard enough it's a done deal. Additionally, it goes without saying that by the time it gets to the kind of battle talked about in the show there have already been all sorts of skirmishes where M&D have folded before. Had it been 'nipped in the bud' rather than allowed to develop as far as it did it needn't have been anywhere near so dramatic. AND, additionally again, how reliable is the M&D's assertion that she had 'eaten nothing for seven days'? Chances are there's a bit of creative accounting going on there, and what they're actually saying is she hasn't eaten a meal for seven days, and the 'odd' biscuit, petit filous, bar of choklitt has found its way into the equation but without anyone bothering to pass it through the scanner, as it were. I've seen this many, many times - more often linked to over-eating and obesity etc, but effectively exactly the same process. Not sure I would be able to be that dispassionate about it were it my own kid, but I can say that I wouldn't have let it get to that stage in the first place, because when ben was playing the 'only eat chicken nuggets' game I did nip it in the bud... One really 'forum relevant' section of the show, IMO, was the 11yr old aggressive kid who was knocking his parents about. The parents said they had seen just about every professional available to them and it clearly showed when the kid quoted the 'text book' explanation to camera for his behaviour... Bullied at school, held it in until he got home where he felt 'safe' to release it on the family. Classic description of something seen time and time and time again on the forum, straight from the horses (kids) mouth... But of course, it wasn't that at all, and the kid was in fact just spouting verbatim all of the excuses that had been offered him on a plate by those clever counsellors (like Tony Attwood) who look for very, very complex explanations for very, very simple behaviours. Jo did look fully into the situation at school, and guess what - the school were responding to all of the issues in school really well and really comprehensively. All of the issues contributing to the aggression etc, including the boy's self esteem issues, were arising from the home dynamic. Anyone notice the mum talking about breast feeding her three year old? Did anyone else get the impression that as Jo was talking to her it was going in one ear and out the other? when her daughter is still chewing her nipples off at five she'll probably still be blaming it on the advice she's been given rather than what appeared to be a total disinclination to act on it. Ho hum... L&P BD

No, you can dress up as Noel Gordon... (that'll get her googling!)

No worries - I think the 'swap shop' thing is a good idea... maybe if you could find that particular site you could link directly to it? As far as posting goes, when you 'start new topic' it will add it in whichever forum you are currently browsing, so if browsing 'off topic' the new post will appear in off topic. If you want to post to a different area browse to that section first and then go to 'start new topic'. HTH L&P BD

Hi pancakemaker - sort of wish someone else had posted this 'cos I think you might feel I'm being 'picky', which I'm not. I've had a quick look at this site, and other than lots of pop up warnings and a 'free screensaver' banner or somesuch when i closed the window it's pretty much just an advertising portal / search engine to people selling various interventions and products. It may actually break forum rules about links to commercial sites. The forum does have a very good 'resources' section with info on most of the kind of thing listed here and more... To be honest, a lot of the stuff mentioned on the website you link (ABA, Stem Cell therapy, 'online' child diagnostic tests, online courses etc) are IMO heading in the direction of 'Woo' and anything but helpful, and when you follow any link you get sent off in all sorts of strange directions. As I say, I hope you won't infer anything personal about this - I would be posting exactly the same reply whoever posted the link. If you haven't looked yet, it would be worth spending some time in the 'resources' and / or diets and meds sections of the forum. With regard to some of the 'Woo' stuff there's a very good and useful checklist (NAS, I think) listing types of therapies, independent evaluations and a '20 questions' to ask. L&P BD

I did ask, several times, for people to stop posting about my posts rather than the OP's post I'm a policeman. (Now that's sarcasm! )

If being used as a 'get out of jail free' card / Then it wouldn't be sarcastic, unless the policeman was a psychic and could 'divine' that the driver was racing home to it before stopping him/her / If being used as a 'get out of jail free' card. L&P BD

No, it's nothing like any of those things. Sorry, it just isn't I'll accept he might have been being mildy sarcastic, a bit like asking a speeding driver 'where's the fire', but then saying 'I have AS' could be interpreted as being mildly sarcastic depending on the circumstances. The examples you've offered are all highly offensive - a completely different thing. As I've said, it would be worse, IMO to have such a low and patronising generalised opinion of all autistic people that despite appearing to be independently living adults you considered them incapable of being treated the same way as everyone else, and presumed they needed 'help' from a non-autistic advocate to answer a simple question. L&P BD

Hi again J's mum - Avoidant behaviour is one possible explanation of course (but it does imply by defintion the child having enough theory of mind to understand what task they are trying to avoid and to realise that by enacting their behaviour they can avoid it - huge assumptions to be making about any four year old), but there are many others, the most obvious basic and simple being 'control'. A second assumption is avoidant behaviour on the basis of anxiety about 'struggling', when it could far more simply be a case of not wanting to do something, not liking something, or, erm control. Picking up mum's stress could be another reason for avoidant behaviour, but a child being deliberately 'wilful' will choose exactly those kinds of times because they are precisely the times when their behaviour will have the most impact, and because any 'reward' they gain from the adults responses will be bigger. I Totally agree there will always be a 'trigger' for behaviour. I just disagree that it will always be an external or medical or 'innocent' one, and believe that the asnwer is far more likely to lie in the fact that the child is a child and is therefore acting as children act... It's not complicated, it's nature. A 'naughty' kitten gets a cuff from mum. A 'naughty' puppy gets a cuff from mum. The cuff helps the naughty puppy / naughty kitten learn right from wrong; where it can go, where it can't go, when it's time to play, when it's time to sleep, when it's time to learn etc etc. Puppies and kittens who don't learn right from wrong either go feral or get eaten by bigger cats and dogs. It's nature. L&P BD

Hi special talent... No worries, I didn't think you were 'having a go', as such, just not 'seeing' the points I was trying to make... Tally - Why do you think the OP is being 'picked apart'? The poster asked for opinions and I gave mine... It was sympathetic, reasonable and asked for further info on things I felt needed clarifying to enable people to give informed opinions. I'm sorry i don't endorse the view that if a policeman asks an autistic person what seems IMO a legitimate question it amounts to bullying (or whatever) or that the default position of all people on the autistic spectrum should be one of assumed victim all the time. Sorry, but I just don't. You've said , which I agree with, but I read nothing in the OP to suggest any reason why the police would have had those concerns... From their POV they were talking to a grown man, living alone in a flat (that may not be the case, but unless otherwise stated probably how it would seem) who appeared nervous (not entirely unusual considering he was being questioned about a criminal act) and who said they have AS (which is no reason whatsoever for assuming that the person being asked questions lacked the ability to understand them or had need of an 'appropriate adult' to support them). If there's more to this that we haven't been told then potentially there is a case of 'police brutality' or bullying or whatever, but I really don't see it from what's been posted, or how other people seem to have arrived at the conclusion there is? If the police have done something wrong that's a different kettle of fish, and I'd be the first to say so, but just for happening to be policemen who happened to be asking questions of a suspect who happened to have AS doesn't, IMO, constitute a 'wrong'. Please, can I ask again that rather than responding to the issue of my opinion (or of anyone who may agree with my opinion) people respond to the issue in question? And if anyone can come up with an explanation for why, from the scenario outlined, the police behaved inappropriately (other than the fact that the person they spoke to happened to have AS) I'd really appreciate a pointer(?) L&P BD

Same as... And i'd add that my questions about the history, flat layout, situation etc were all exactly related to what you've said about the neighbour - was she being judgmental and prejudice, or is there some other, more understandable reason why her suspicions immediately turned towards the OP's son (or the occupants of that particular flat, if he doesn't live alone / has regular visitors). And again, I think it's relevant to know how and why the OP knows it was the friend that enacted the theft and ehat action has been taken regarding that... L&P (again) BD

Hi j's mum... You seem to have interpreted personally what is a general observation, and to be fair I can't really respond to that. That 'parents fault' parenthesis is another that's difficult for me to qualify, other than to say that saying a problem can arise because of the way behaviours are responded to isn't an accusation or 'blame'. Yes, I do accept that J has complex needs... My own son has Autism, ADHD and dyspraxia so I'm no stranger to complex needs.... Complex needs, however, are not an explanation for all behaviours, as your own situation (and mine, come to that) clearly highlights. Yes children can behave differently at home and school and vice versa, and some psychologists have theorised that this is related to them 'holding it in' until they are in an environment where they feel 'safe to let it out'. I know Tony Attwood's theory, but while offered as an explanation for some children's behaviour it seems to have been adopted as a 'Universal Truth' by every parent whose child behaves abusively at home and well in school, and I'm pretty sure even TA would admit that's not the case. I think, and in the vast majority of cases I've seen where those assumptions are fully investigated, there are much simpler explanations for why a child behaves inappropriately in one situation and appropriately in another. I also think that applies to grown ups who present in the same way - i.e. who can be kind, considerate, thoughtful, loving partners when they first meet someone or are out in company but become violent and abusive after a 'settling in' period or when they are alone with their victims after they get home. And those factors apply equally to autistic and NT children / Adults, regardless of any medical complex needs. Hope that makes sense and that it's appreciated and that I'm only responding to questions asked, and in the most non-confrontational manner possible given the circumstances under discussion. L&P BD

Hi special talent. I know what pancakemaker means. I just don't agree that what was said was aggressive or inappropriate. It was direct (whether that directness equates to sarcasm is an unknown quantity, but I've seen nothing in the OP's post to suggest that her son would be so severely compromised that that equated to intimidating or disgusting or even prickish behaviour), non-patronising, didn't make assumptions or value judgements and was quite a reasonable question (IMO) given the circumstances outlined. I really have tried to ask pertinent questions about the situation, how it developed, how it evolved, the history and everything else - all of which seem very relevant to me in answering the question the OP asked 'what are people's views'? Others seem to see it in very simplistic terms of there being an autistic person involved and therefore he must be a victim and the police his victimisers, but I think those are very unhelpful and patronising assumptions. I've responded twice now to people taking issue with my posts, and that's fine, but I really don't think it's going to help anyone to continue asking or objecting to my views rather than responding to the OP. I only really came back into the thread at all because I felt the accusation that the police should be 'out doing their job' rather than intimidating 'a 22 yr old asd sufferer' was a completely unjustified one (especially given what I assumed to be a reference to riot control as their 'proper' job) when they were investigating a theft. That others feel there is some sort of injustice here purely on the basis of assumptions made about people with AS is fine - I pretty much thought that would be the case. But my alternative opinion is an equally valid one, and the questions I've asked are perfectly reasonable/understandable questions, so what's the problem? L&P BD

My son has that communication disorder too. So does my 22 year old nephew living in very similar circumstances to those being described here. If either was accused of stealing and mentioned AS as a possible excuse (not saying that's what happened here, BTW, but it could have been, and it could be how the police interpreted it) I would jump on them immediately. I've not seen anything in the post that suggests the police lacked compassion, behaved like 'pricks' or failed to take James' distress into account, considering that they were asking questions of someone they believed to be the most likely suspect in a criminal act... I know nothing of James other than what is posted here - i.e. that he is 22yrs old and has AS, and is/was suspected of stealing from a neigbour. L&P BD

Hi again pancakemaker - this is a difficult area, but very often it comes down to preconceptions on the part of the 'viewer' (the person watching or judging the behaviour) rather than the intentions or responses of the 'actor' (the person enacting the behaviour). I find the terminology a bit pretentious, but it's what's known as 'The Interactional Paradigm'... Trying to offer an example, if two dogs were independently trained to react in certain ways to a whistle - one calmly, and one aggressively - and then someone was to blow that whistle it would appear to any viewer that one dog was aggressive and one dog passive. Their 'judgements' wouldn't have any basis in reality - the dog trained to respond aggressively could, in all other situations, be a far more good-natured, well behaved dog than the apparently passive one. One of the biggest dangers with suspected 'hypersensitivity' is that people respond in inappropriate ways that are then interpreted as evidence that the problem actually exists - it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. In your case, you have given your son ear muffs to combat his dislike/fear of roadworks. This has confirmed and reinforced in him his belief that roadworks are something to fear/dislike, and instilled in him the belief that ear muffs are an appropriate response to deal with that fear/dislike. Effectively, responses like that (and sorry, this is not meant to be 'judgemental' and may well be completely wrong - I couldn't possibly know from the info you've given and am only talking in general terms) could create a full grown 'phobia' from what is actually an aversion, set a precedent for further disabling phobias and create a lifetime reliance and dependency on adaptations (ear muffs) that are further disabling/socially limiting. The same applies to monsters under the bed, the dark, water splashes etc etc... If we respond to them as though the child's fears are justified or rational the child, quite naturally, will believe it too. None of that rules out the possibility of hypersensitivity, but IMO the term does get used more casually than it should these days both in respect of autism and NT children. Even if genuine, the goal should always be to teach a child to overcome and cope with the sensitivity wherever possible, as to not do so can only be disabling/limiting. Hope that helps L&P BD Oh PS: Just seen your post to J's Mum. If your son at four doesn't display these behaviours at school then they are far more likely to be situational and 'controlling' rather than medical, as he is far too young to have developed any ability to 'bottle it up and bring it home' (not that I'm a strong believer in that anyway, but even with the benefit of the doubt four is too young for that to be a viable explanation). Chances are, though, that behaviours enacted at home soon will cross the school gates, and if they are enabled in school as well you will have one of those 'self-fulfilling prophecies' on your hands.

Hi kathyanne - Sorry to hear about your son and his problem 'mate'. Very difficult to deal with, but if you've informed the police of the actual thief that will probably be the last James sees of him. If not, you need to put your foot down. (NB: I'm assuming that's what you mean by 'massive complaint' to the police - that you have complained about the theft and turned the boy in?). Did the boy admit to you that he stole the things, or did you see him do it / with them, because you'll probably have to give evidence at some point (?). Does James know /did James tell you his friend commited the theft? If no those questions, how do you know the other boy stole the things? Does he have autism or Aspergers? Has James made a statement? It's difficult from the info given to work out why the neighbour identified James as the likely culprit. How many flats are there in the block, and did she make similar accusations at others? Was it a 'circumstantial' thing - i.e. was the post delivered and stolen at a time when other flats were unoccupied, so that only James (and his mate) were the only people with an opportunity? Have there been previous incidents or run-ins with this neighbour? When you say the mail was stolen from the flat above do you mean it was 'intercepted' in a communal hall or something, or was it stolen from the nighbours flat (i.e. unlawful entry?). One other thing I'm slightly confused about: You say James lives in your flat but the neighbour knocked on his door(?) Do you mean this is a flat you've bought and provide for James where he lives independently, or does he live in the flat with you? In either case, were you there at the time of the incident, or when the neighbour called, or when the police called? Sorry for all the questions, but it is difficult to give a view on the situation from the info you've given. As far as the question the police put to James it seems perfectly legitimate to me if questioning him over the possible theft of property. Basically, the police were investigating a theft and had been given (from the scenario you describe) your son's name as a potential - possibly the chief - suspect. What would have been wrong would have been to assume, on the basis of his diagnosis, that either it would be a reason for him stealing mail or something that ruled out the possibility of him doing so. That would have been discriminatory / prejudicial. Hope that helps, and good luck with the mate and any pending court case. L&P BD PS: Just seen above post. Pancakemaker, why do you think the police were intimidating James by asking him about his AS and why do you feel they were not doing their job when following up a theft/burglary?

Hi again darkshine - Mumble's just pretty much said what I was going to say - prioritise. Take one step at a time, in a logical sequence (i.e. there is no point worrying about 'friendhships' if social phobia means you don't have the opportunity to make any friends and trust issues would get in the way if you did have opportunities) and make sure your addressing the problems to the right people. incidentally, if regrouping the list I think 'social anxiety' as an umbrella term would knock a big dent in the number of items and aid focus. Ditto self esteem, Ditto mental health (mood swings/depression etc), ditto phobias/sensitivities.... Of course, if you put those things into a venn diagram there will be overlaps that complicate things, so better to look at them as separate issues initially and them how they interconnect/interact later. groundwork done, you've identified the areas you want to concentrate on, and probably the different 'disciplines' you need to be focussing on. SOCIAL: You've got to 'do' some. That means looking, finding and going. Evening classes? Special interest groups? Support groups? etc etc. SELF ESTEEM: Counselling? CBT etc? MENTAL HEALTH: existing psych and further referrals. PHOBIAS / SENSITIVITIES: Aversion therapy? Don't know much about any of those things so others can probably give you better advice, but really I think the best advice will come from professionals etc covering those fields. It may be hard to separate things out, but if you can focus on one of the above areas - the one you feel most 'critical' or disabling - work on that and put the others on hold for a while. HTH L&P BD