Can I pick your brains? UPDATED BELOW.

[fiorelli]

Louis went to his father's at the beginning of the summer holidays, it was supposed to be for the whole six weeks as his brothers, myself, and my husband all really needed a break. As it turns out, he was only there for 3 weeks, as his father phoned us up and said that he had a job interview (for a courier company on a Sunday! ) and as such, could not have Louis for the rest of the holidays. He left Louis at home with a "See you in 2 weeks!" (usual visitation arrangements)

 

Roll on nearly 6 weeks later, and we still haven't heard from him. I have tried phoning him, but get no answer from the phones. I can't go round his house to find out whats going on, as he is in Wales, and we are in England.

 

 

There is a reason I am telling you the above. Louis is his father's (and mine) first born. When we broke up, his father took me to court on various occasions, firstly to get residency (having Louis ALL the time), then to get parental responsibility, then to get visitation rights. He would drive up every other weekend from wales to England to have Louis (and his brother L) for the weekend. When there was a problem with his car, he used to come up on the train, at a 3 figure sum every other weekend. Louis was the apple of his fathers eye, and vice versa.

 

 

However - when Louis came home, he was very anti- his father (I'm not going to S. I don't like S. S. Is a idiot), he has also become VERY clingy. Everywhere I go, he needs to be too. He won't go to bed unless I go to bed too. His language has become VERY colourful. He lashes out at anyone and everyone (he threatened his 8 year old [girl] cousin with a knife - someone he usually gets on really well with). He seems very angry. I can't work out what is the matter. I keep trying to explain to Louis, that I love him, and will never send him away so we never see him again. That no matter what his behaviour is like, I still love him. That even if he doesn't need to go to sleep, he needs to rest.

 

His meds don't seem to help. It's as if he has the ability to 'turn a switch' to enable his meds to work according to whether he wants them to or not. We have tried rewards, we have tried ignoring, we have tried taking things off him (we currently have his DS from him, we have told him he can have it back when he can stay in his bedroom all night), with his bedtime habits, I have (and am still doing) been returning him to his bedroom when he comes out. He doesn't like it, kicks and screams and shouts, and as soon as you have turned around to leave him, he is back out of his room.

 

I am at a loss.

 

I really believe that something happened when he was with his father, but I don't have a clue what. His Nanny says that everything was fine, and that nothing happened (but she was also being very 'secretive' about various other things during phonecall), and obviously, I haven't been able to get in touch with his father to ask him. All Louis can think of is that it is because he hit his half-sister. L doesn't know what happened.

 

Do you think, if I contact his Dr at CAMHS, they may be able to see him and find out what is going on?

 

Do you think his school might be able to help? I really don't know what to do.

Edited September 21, 2006 by fiorelli

[JsMum]

From how I have read it it does sound like an emotional responce, maybe some sort of rejection on his fathers part, taking the job that now means he cant have his son, to your son he may be taking this as no one cares about me and is angry, and so he is lashing out, dissing his dad because it hurts really that his dad is choosing a job over him.

 

your son is very insicure around you and probably seeing if you leave to do something too, that is why he is been clingy so not to give you the chance, even when it comes to bedtime, and maybe when he goes to bed its more on his mind and he wonders more.

 

I sit in the hall way on a chair until J is asleep and this does reasure J a lot and some nights I only have to sit there for 15 mins and then he is asleep.

 

The behaviour with the knife defenitly needs attention and I would ask for an urgent meeting as this is a sign that your sons emotions are very high, extreamly angry and I wouldnt keep this to yourself, you can always have a consultation with his GP as well aspecially as his medication doesnt seem to taken any effect.

 

I would say your son has been throw a lot and now with his dad leaving for a career its hurt him more than he realises.

 

Could councilling be looked into, play therapy or art therapy to help him release his emotions effectively but not hurting anyone.

 

Evening routine is broken down here, and J recieves a star for each task achieved, these stars contribute to different awards.

 

There is also a gold star for the staying in bed all night, and there worth more than the silver stars, this gets J to think about the rewards and more willing in the end.

 

We are doing a picture routine as well to make it more understanding for J as well.

 

I hope things do get better and I dont think it would hurt to have a meeting with the senco just to let them know of the changes at home and how your son has reacted.

 

JsMum

[smiley]

Hi fiorelli <'>

 

I don't know what to suggest . Poor L does sound very fed up at the moment. I'd be trying to get hold of CAMHS - hopefully they can help.

 

Sorry i'm not of more use - sending tons of cyber hugs.... <'> <'>

[fiorelli]

I am phoning CAMHS when my baby goes to sleep this morning, and everyone else is in school. I will take things from there.

 

One other thing I forgot to mention above. When I have been talking to Louis about what is happening, and what he did when at his father's he tells me 'S [his father] said he has washed his hands of me'.

 

 

I don't think Louis knows what this means, but I think he knows it isn't very nice, as he got upset when saying it. (and it's certainly not anything I would ever say to any of my kids, no matter how much they were trying me.)

[bramblebrae]

I think your only going to get some proper answers when his father communicates to you. I'm presuming Nanny is the dad's mum ?? can she find out and be a go between if he is not willing to communicate directly with you at the moment. How is your other son with his father not coming to visit? It must be very difficult for all of you at the moment I hope camhs can help Louis to deal with whatever happened.

 

take care

Lorraine

[Karen A]

<'> <'> <'> It must be very difficult for him.All children find it hard when adults let them down.Phrases like ''washing his hands of me'' are more confusing for our children-they can pick up the atmosphere but cannot work out the meanings or the fact that people can say things that they do not intend in an angry momment.Hope camhs can help.Karen

[UltraMum]

<'> <'> <'>

[Bagpuss]

All sounds alittle bit suspicious to me I'm afraid.......what with Louis being returned early...are you able to verify that the reason given was truthful? Also Louis's nanny being secretive and Louis's father not being in touch for 6 weeks, when previously he kept up regular contact. Is Louis's nanny not in touch with her son? Is she not able to explain the situation to him, and urge him to contact you urgently? ....you seem to be being kept in the dark whilst trying to figure out what possibly could be upsetting Louis...which is very unfair, especially to Louis who is unable to tell you. How can you help him, if you don't know what has happened and the full facts. Your the one dealing with the fallout and you must of been so upset to hear that particular comment which Louis has repeated. I hope you manage to get to the bottom of it, and that CAMHS are able to help you to help Louis. Take care and please keep us posted <'> <'>

[Suze]

<'> how did you go on with camhs??...........I,d keep trying his nanny and plugging away at her, explaining the concerns you have are just for Louis well being , and for that to improve you NEED to know if something happened that may have upset him.Your ex needs to be really honest with you about this , if he lost his temper etc etc he needs to help you out now by telling you if something happened.Be as persistent as it takes , hope your o.k. <'> suzex

[fiorelli]

Well, I phoned CAMHS this morning, but kept only getting the answerphone. left message asking for Dr to call me as we were having problems with Louis, but got no phonecall back. Will be trying again tomorrow.

 

Had better luck with the school though. I spoke with the Headteacher, briefly explained what was happening, and that I was at a loss as to what to do, or who to turn to. He has said that he will speak to the class teacher and social worker tomorrow, and get them (or one of them) to visit (at home) on Thursday.

 

(The school employ their own social worker)

 

Hopefully we'll start to find out what is up soon.

 

(as for his Nanny, yes she is his father's mum. She is also not returning/answering any of my phone calls any more...)

[UltraMum]

<'> <'> <'>

[lynyona]

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[smiley]

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[fiorelli]

An Update:

 

Well, Both Louis's class teacher, and the school social worker came to visit today.

 

The social worker was next to useless. Said that he had read my parental advice from the Statement, and that he didn't have much knowledge of Asperger's Syndrome. He then didn't really say much at all in the hour they were here.

 

The class teacher was better. She has a good working knowledge of Aspergers Syndrome for starters. She listened to what I had to say, took notes. Summarised what had been said. She also thinks that something happened in the three weeks Louis was at his fathers. The fact that we have a baby in the house was brought up, and so was starting a new school, as participants in Louis's recent behaviours. Both were mostly dismissed though, as baby was 3 1/2 months when Louis went to his father's, and any insecurities should have started to surface by then (the SW agreed with this), and Louis started school AFTER his behaviour got worse. However, they have not been dismissed as totally not affecting his behaviour at the moment.

 

The class teacher is going to have a talk with the school's play therapist to see what the best course of action would be. She is also going to have a talk with Louis tomorrow. She is then going to come up with a system that both home and school will use to try and deal with Louis's behaviour.

 

So all, in all, no immediate remedies, (but then I didn't expect any), but more suggestions, and things being put into place than anticipated.

 

Fingers crossed for us!

 

 

 

oh, and Louis now has his DS back. He went to bed last night when told. He came down once, but when told to, he went back upstairs. I thought that was good enough to get DS back. (we had told him he could have it back when he went to bed straight away when told to, and stayed there all night)

Edited September 21, 2006 by fiorelli

[lil_me]

Pleased to hear something is being done, hope you get some progress soon <'>

[UltraMum]

Glad things look brighter - will be