What do I tell my son

[della]

My son is 15. He's never been diagnosed, which has worked fine so far. He's kept up with school work, exams and enjoys different activities such as table tennis and drum lessons. Every time he goes up a school I get lots of calls from them to say he's very unhappy and shut in on himself. At odd times they have mentionned him seeing a psychologist, but as long as he's making personal progress - making friends, going out, doing his work, I haven't seen the point and I don't know how much it would help him.

He's just started at college and is boarding. The first few days he was very unhappy and let me know. But after the first week (he comes home weekends) he said it was ok and that he liked the lessons and the teachers and the fact that the other kids were not as nasty as at his secondary school (which is a difficult school). I was really proud of him.

 

This morning the school rang. To say he was very unhappy and always alone. The man who rang said he had been talking to my son for 10mins and he hadn't looked him in the eyes. And he said this to my son. They want him to see a psychologist to "get things out of his system". I'm disturbed. I think he has made so much progress and that if they put too much pressure on him to be like the others I'll end up having to take him out of the boarding facility which would be a huge backward step.

 

Also if they have no idea of asperger's what are they going to be doing to him. I'm prety sure aspergers is what it is. But are there any tests? I'm wondering if I should talk it over with my son - the fact that he might well have aspergers. Forewarned is forearmed. We've both talked about the fact that he is different in some way.

 

I am so upset about this. I would like them to accept him as he is. He does what he is supposed to do. He doesn't cause any trouble. But then they don't know how much progress he has made. Four years ago he often smashed stuff in the house , was totally disorganised. Now he pushes himself to do things.

Edited September 27, 2006 by della

[oracle]

The College probably want to do this so they can get him some support. Being just like everyone else means that you manage just like them to. I take it that you have known for sometime or felt that he has or may have AS? If you think he can make it through this then leave it. My son was diagnosed aged 13 and I told him straight away but then that is how I do things. He then told me that it was a relief that he knew what was wrong with him because he had known from the age of 3 that he was different. When my youngest was diagnosed aged 3 it was also something we never hid from him - why should he be ashamed.

 

I personally am a firm believer that you can not help yourself until you understand yourself. However aged 15 how would he take it?

 

I hope he turns a corner at College soon.

 

Oracle

[della]

Thanks for your reply oracle. I got the feeling that the college felt he had a problem that could be solved. By talking over his problems.

 

I think my son would take it ok. He knows he is different, we have talked about it and just knowing it has helped. But how can I be sure he has aspergers. Some of the symptoms fit, others not.

 

I am in rural France. The approach to mental health is slightly different. I would like him to have some understanding before he has to see a pyschologist.

[Karen A]

Hi Della.Sorry the call from college was upsetting for you.I wanted to say even though it is hard to find the college are concerned I think it is positive that they recognised your son may be finding things difficult.They also took the time to contact you and talk about it.Often here it appears that people do not notice or bother to contact parents until things get out of hand.

In my personal experience Ben [Asperger traits DCD age 8] was aware that he was finding life frustrating.He knew that he did some things differently.The fact that we are obtaining more information for Ben and he is involved is gradualy helping him to understand himself .I think it will help him in the end.

I think if the school do not have information and do not know your concerns regarding Asperger syndrome they are more likely to put pressure on your son to fit in.Strategies that schools would normaly use to involve teenagers do not fit those who see things differently-but the school will not know that without the information.If you talk with the college you may be pleasantly surprised by how helpful they are once they are more aware of your son's situation.

I wonder whether the comment the person on the phone made re lack of eye contact could suggest that they are wondering about Asperger syndrome-but they wanted to see how you respond.

There are assessments that a psychiatrist can do for Asperger syndrome-it is diagnosed by the Dr observing or the individual describing particular patterns of behaviour and responses-rather than Eg a blood test.You would need to decide with your son whether he wants to try to get a diagnosis.Some people here have decided to request an assessment and some are able to accept their differences and don't feel they need the information.I think the fact the college are concerned suggests it is worth starting by raising the possibility of ASD with your son and finding out what he thinks.However I know it will be difficult.Regards Karen

[TheNeil]

Hi Della,

 

The Asperger's 'symptoms' (some fitting some not) should not turn you away from AS as you'll probably find that no two Aspergics have the exact same symptoms - I know that several of the 'classic' AS traits don't apply to me and I'm a fully fledged member of the AS club . Here in the UK I'd suggest going to see a doctor but how that works in France I don't know (as I remember, France doesn't have a public health service and everything has to be paid for - am I right?). You might want to try looking at the NAS website (www.nas.org.uk) to see if they can give you the info you need.

 

Do you think that having a diagnosis would help (some people find that it does, others find that it can create 'problems')? Do you think that the college will be aware of ASDs? What I'm thinking is that if you explain to them that you think there could be a reason to your son's situation then you might find that they have some new suggestions or can offer different support rather than opting for the 'standard' 'let's have a chat' response - they might even be able to point you in the direction of some support services and maybe even someone who can help a bit more with the diagnosis.

 

To be fair, from the college's point of view he was simply being quiet and wanted to find out why and, I assume, help. In 99.99% of cases this might be all that's needed but in this case, if your son is Aspergic, the college probably don't realise that there's more going on than just a case of nerves/shyness/being miserable etc.

Edited September 27, 2006 by TheNeil

[Karen A]

Hi again sorry you posted just ahead of me. If you want to explore more before you ask to see a psychologist there are some very good books around.A number of teenagers and adults have written about their own experience of Asperger syndrome.The books would provide a gentler introduction.They are written in a style that teenagers can relate to.The only thing is they are written in English.I do not know if your son speaks English.If not you could put a post asking if anyone knows what is avaiable in French.

The other place that Ben has found helpful is a website called ''Wrong Planet''.It is a website for individuals who have/may have Asperger syndrome.But again it is English.Karen

[oracle]

Hmm I think I understand more now Della because I know that they can view ASD quite differently in France so I also understand your cautious approach.

 

Maybe the key here would be self awareness because I would not be happy being involved with people who view ASD as being a mental health issue. Maybe if he understood more about himself between the two of you you could help to sort things out.

 

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Oracle

[della]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful answers. I was feeling quite isolated. When I mentionned aspergers to the school they hadn't heard of it and I'm quite worried that a psychologist here might not as well. Otherwise I am beginning to see that a correct diagnosis could be very helpful, for everyone. I think it would go a long way to changing the attitude of the teachers as well as the other kids at the school, a bit like saying "well, so and so has a crippled leg" as well as possibly getting support to help him with the academic stuff he might have problems with - such as with the lessons he just can't seem to do.

 

Karen thank you for both your replies. You're right, it was good that they have noticed him. I think I will go there tomorrow and talk to the bloke involved - maybe to tell him that I will discuss with my son if he wants to see a psychologist. And then at the weekend I would talk it all over with my son, probably tell him the likelihood of it's being aspergers. Oh and yes he speaks english and a ggod book might really help. Something that brings out positive stuff about people with aspergers.

 

Good point oracle - that if I get it out in the open we could talk about what it means between us and try and sort out ways to manage it.

 

I have to say I am always impressed by my son. I know exactly how difficult quite ordinary situations are for him, and yet he pushes himself to do them. Maybe this is a positive thing about people with aspergers, or am I generalising too much? Also the fact that he's different and knows it does not seem to destabilise him. All of which keeps me optimistic for the future.

 

My biggest worry is how well known aspergers is here and that they might diagnose depression or goodness know what. As I say they have a different attitude here.

[Tally]

Hi Della, I am an adult with Asperger's.

 

Most people with Asperger's thrive on routine. It sounds like your son had a bit of trouble adjusting. This is to be expected, and it sounds like he is settling in really well now.

 

Asperger's can be mistaken for depression or anxiety.

 

Has your son told them he is always unhappy, or have they decided he appears to be unhappy? People with Asperger's often display little facial expression. He may appear unhappy when he is actually quite content, just not exhibiting it externally in a typical way.

 

A lack of eye contact can indicate low self-esteem, again, a common feature of depression.

 

Failure to bond with other children can also look like low self-esteem, or social anxiety.

 

Of course, it's always possible he does have depression and/or anxiety in addition to Asperger's, but all of those things are normal in Asperger's, and not a cause for concern.

 

A psychologist who does not understand Asperger's will not be able to help, even if your son is experiencing mental health problems.

 

As part of my treatment for depression I was encouraged to join in social activities, rather than the activities I enjoyed doing on my own (listening to music, reading and cycling). This would have been a really bad idea, because these activities allowed me to 'unwind' after being with other people at school/work all day. Going from one social activity to another without anough alone time would have caused me stress and added to my depression. My counsellor just did not understand that spending time alone was not a bad thing for someone who enjoyed that. He also thought I was suffering from anxiety because I said I did not enjoy social gatherings or parties. Not getting pleasure from something is different from being scared of it.

 

I think it could help if you talked about Asperger's with your son. If he knows he's different from other people and is OK with that, he might like to put a name to his differences, and look at ways other people deal with them. An official diagnosis is not essential unless it's needed to access services.

 

It could also help to discuss this with the college, especially the psychologist. You might also send them some books or leaflets - there must be some available in French. Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood is a very popular book, which is available in French: http://www.amazon.fr/Syndrome-dAsperger-To...TF8&s=books

Edited September 28, 2006 by Tally

[della]

Thanks Tally.

 

Well he seems far from depression to me. When he comes home at the weekends he is great. He plays games with his sisters, cooks, does origami. He stays in the room when my friends come round. It seems to be his new school which is having this effect. And yet they just see him on his own, not smiling, reading or drawing and come to the conclusion (not unnaturally) that he's unhappy. But these difficulties at school have been happening since he was 5 at his first school, standing out from the crowd, and until this new school he's been to a certain extent bullied.

 

I have ordered the book you recommend, thank you so much for taking the effort.

 

Were you treated for depression before you were diagnosed with aspergers? This may be too nosy of me, but I have so many questions about growing up with aspergers.

[Tally]

Hi Della,

 

I was treated for depression for several years before I was diagnosed with Asperger's.

 

I think this was an accurate diagnosis, but I think that some of my symptoms and treatment got confused because of my unrecognised Asperger's.

[della]

Do you think being depressed was linked to having aspergers? I do wonder what the future holds for my son.

 

I have discussed it with him now. I first went to school and managed to convince them that he is not depressed and brought up the distinct possibility of aspergers. They were great - (why does it make me cry when people are like that, I wonder). They were really keen to understand and try and find ways to help him.

 

Then when he came home I explained how they had thought he was depressed and how serious that would be for them and I asked if he realised if he looked as if he might be depressed. He said he did realise this and so I felt the time was definitely right to bring up aspergers. He took it fine and felt that it sounded right. I love the way we can talk about things. He agrees that an official diagnosis by a psychologist would be useful now and agrees also to see one. Wow. That is so good. I never would have though he'd agree to that. So I have an appointment to see my GP tomorrow. I prefer to do it that way than see the school doctor which the bloke at school respects. Thay way I can start the conversation by saying that I feel he might have aspergers which will hopefully deflect them from automatically thinking "depression".

 

It's been a hell of a week, realising it could be aspergers, finding out about it and coming here getting all the help and support. And actually talking to my son about it.But I'm beginning to feel more at peace aout it all in my mind.

Edited October 1, 2006 by della

[Tally]

No, I do not think that being depressed is linked to Asperger's.

 

I think that my depression was caused by not understanding what made me different, feeling like I must be an inferior person because I could not fit in and make friends.

 

A lot of kids with Asperger's get bullied in school, and this can lead to depression in the long term as well. I was according to what my friends told my mum, but it all went right over my head. I knew people didn't like me, but I never realised they treated me badly.

 

I was only diagnosed with Asperger's as an adult, although my parents did suspect I may be autistic when I did not speak outside of the home. Since I have understood what Asperger's means, and how it makes me different, I have felt a lot less depressed. I am still different, still can't fit in and make friends, but I don't feel like it's because I am inferior any more - it's because I am different, and what's so great about being normal anyway?

 

It sounds like you, your son, and his school all have a really positive attitude toward his differences. That will play a huge role in preventing him from becoming depressed, and will also allow him to voice any concerns he may develop early enough to get effective treatment before it becomes a severe issue.