Do you worry when someone looks after your child?

[JsMum]

The reason I ask is that I tend to worry when a friend or my sons friends parents take my son out because I know that J is very demanding and requires a lot of supervision, I also am aware that he tends to push people to get a reaction and to often wants to know where the line is so often can push peoples patience and tolerance and I am at times worried that that person may not be able to deal with their own reaction.

 

J went to a friends early evening and there was a few issues and the friends mum shouted at J, now J doesnt want to go ever again,and I am kind of upset that the mum did shout at J but I also understand the frustration that can accur when looking after J as he is so hard work at times as he requires continous stimulation and he can become volitile and aggressive so I know that especially mums can get protective over their children when it comes to J maybe lashing out.

 

I do try my best to explain what kind of difficulties J has but many say oh not a problem we will be oright, he seems a fine lad to us, mmmm well not long after they get to know what a fine lad he is and then they come back and tell me that this and that has occurred.

 

Its really hard to let go but its even harder when you know the possible pitfalls when they are taken out with other adults and they have difficulties in just a few hours, the mum said to me How do you do it, I have three kids and he was harder to manage than all of them put to gether!

 

I guess I am so use to his behaviour and antics that I kind of dont react until he has really tested me and then it does hit me like a slege hammer.

 

Anyway what experiences have you had when others have looked after your child.

 

JsMum

[claire33]

Hi jsmum

 

Yes i worry all the time thats why he spends all of his time with me ,i think maybe sometimes i can be way to over protective, but to be honest i feel like no one can take care of my k the way i can which you probably feel too (well most parents actually).

I constantly worry about them not understanding him properly or laughing at him (which i dont think they do) but it plays on my mind even in school i like him with me.

Even though i am glad of the time i get to myself when hes there.

Do you think thats selfish?

[cmuir]

Hi

 

There's very few people I trust to supervise my son (generally only family). Outwith the family, the one person that I do trust is my son's social worker. It took a long time before I'd allow her to take him out (6 months!). She's witnessed all sorts of behaviours - she's seen the best of Robert and the worst of him and because of this I know she watches Robert like a hawk. My son plays with a neighbours child. Although I'd explained that Robert has AS, I was given a sympathetic and understanding response as the mother works in a nursery. I've since been told by the father that his wife says there's nothing wrong with Robert. I was livid and told him that his wife must know something that one of the top specialists in the UK doesn't! At the end of the day I know my son best - I've seen him attempt to run on the road in front of oncoming vehicles, bang his head off walls, etc. They haven't witnessed any of this and therefore their guards will be done (mine is never down!). I take Robert out and ask to take other people's kids out with us. I find that Robert has a great time (generally easier to cope with when with another child) and I feel a little more relaxed, but am always mindful of what can happen. I've accepted the fact that I don't think I'll ever be able to fully trust other people.

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline

[caren]

Yes i worry like mad only 2 places K(he's 6) goes without me is too school (and even then i watched him with his support for first few months) and his dads , his sister who's 19 wants to take him park tomorrow and even though i trust her i'm in 2 minds whether to let her , what if she answers her phone and takes her eyes off him etc , so K spends all his time with me

 

L on other hand(he's 15) i let him play football with his brother who's NT and nearly 17 but i look over fence and can see them , sounds really over protective but i worry people won't cope or won't understand them or even not watch them properly

[Lynden]

Yes - I dont believe anyone else can look after Logan/know his needs as well as me. But that may be my inflated ego partly! I can leave him at my parents, or with my niece easily, but anyone other than that I worry, yes. I'm working on getting over it though because I know he needs to be able to rely on more than me/hubby especially when we are moving away from my family.

 

Lynne x

[peppa]

The only time dd and i are apart is when she's at school, i worried initially, but not so much now as she loves it and her teachers are fab with her.

Her dad only started taking her out alone when she turned 3 really, (now 3.8) even then its usually only an hour at most, close to home so he can just come back if things kick off. Even with her dad i feel anxious sometimes as he can be a little unaware of her needs, as he doesn't really acknowledge them.

 

My parents occasionally babysit as do inlaws but only when dd is in bed, they rarely have her in waking hours. My mum is very aware of dd,s behaviours however isn't really confident looking after dd alone, as when dd had first seziure mum was present and didn't really handle situation, therefore shes a little scared incase she had to cope with this alone, which i understand and shes there for support all other times.

 

Freinds have offered to have dd, even over night but they haven't spent much time with dd,( usually spend time with them on nights out) they aren't really aware of her complex needs or even of ASD, know they mean well and are trying to offer some respite for me, but they have 4 kids of their own, and can be very scatty so don't think they'd really manage dd in the way she needs. They live next door to my parents also so if my mum heard her crying she'd be stressing out too!

 

My brother and S-I-L have a son 11, and a dd 3 who is also under assessment for possible ASD and is also deaf so therefore they have a similar situation, therefore we are supportive of each other but however find it hard still to leave our own kids.

 

Dps sister has a son who is under assessment for ASD and ADHD so therefore she also has hands full so therefore i dont feel able to leave dd with any of my family.

 

The first time i left dd was for an hour when she was 5 mnth, i hated it and panicked the whole time! Then when i came home she'd been really ill and i felt so guilty.

 

I've never felt confident leaving dd, everybody used to tell me i was over protective and should give myself a break but i think now dds behaviours are more apparant they understand that a little more, i suppose we never feel anyone else can look after them aswell as ourselves, but i wouldn't want to leave dd with anyone who wasn't familiar with ASD, as i don't think they can watch out for possible triggers and issues if they aren't aware of the significance of them to our children.

 

Ive just met a lady who child minds for a boy in dds nurseryclass, her son classic autistic, aged 17, im hoping as i get to know her i can build up confidence to consider leaving dd with her for an hour or two, so fingers crossed it works out well even if it does take me a year or two!

[darky]

Hi jsmum, the only person who has successfully been able to take my daughter out is the sessional worker, she is a gem!

 

when rhia was 3, a childminder agreed to have her twice a week. After the first session the childminder claimed she had taken on too much and she was even thinking a change of career, i kid you not.

 

going round to friends houses has been a disaster, shes only been round 2 houses. one said she could not cope with her again, the other one phoned me 10 mins after she had her to say "HELP" after she had meltdown.

 

its so difficult. there are the well meaning people who think its ok they can cure the child and send them back, but then end up with egg on their face when they try and find actually everything we say is true lol.

 

its very hard to trust. it is frustrating for me frequently, and shes mine. but we do get used to it. it obviously was not helpful to shout at J!

[LizK]

I am the same though I know I need to cut those apron strings. Part of it is I know what makes him tick, recognise the signs of stress, understand his quirks and needs. He has a language delay so know how to speak to him so he understands best . He also hates me leaving him on his own and gets very anxious. I also worry about the other person too as DS can be unpredictable and hyper and I'd hate for something seemingly innocuous to happen that would precipitate a melt down and they'd be left to deal with that or if he decided to have a manic moment.

 

However I know it is important for him to get used to being looked after by other people and if he insists on me going on every playdate with him will eventually cramp his style! And I do worry so much about him and maybe baby him a bit. I don't think you can help it when you have a special child. However I don't want my insecurities to hinder his ability to be independent.

 

So far I've left him with the grandparents which has been fine for short periods, wouldn't do it for long. He recently stayed at one of his friends houses for an hour on his own for the first time and I was like a cat on hot bricks wondering if the phone would ring for me to get him early, couldn't relax at all worrying about everything that might go wrong. It went fine, well that's what the other mum told me at least : The other person I don't worry about at all is his LSA. She has babysit and took him home for tea this week when I had to take DS2 to the hospital and knowing DS1 was with her gave me complete piece of mind.

 

Lx

[opheila]

It is for this very reason L spends most of his time with me. I am fed up with comments from others on how to deal with his autism especially as most of these people dont have or ever dealt with autism until I had L. He has and does lash out at others when he gets frustrated and has no road sense what so ever. Due to this some friends have never offered to take him even thou they see me struggle

trouble is at least if he is with me i dont have to worry

opheila

[curra]

Hi J's Mum,

 

I used to worry a lot too when M stayed at someone's house, thinking that he would cause some kind of problem. Most of the time he behaved reasonably well, but people always made comments about his odd remarks later even though they were aware of his AS. M now doesn't want to be with anyone anymore since he was 12 and it would take a miracle for him to stay in another house for some time. He can't be alone either because he gets very anxious, so whichever way I look at it, I have to be with him. I've tried so hard to make him more independent but it's a very slow process!

 

Curra

[jlp]

We've recently had a friend home from school twice and a return invitation was given to G but I had to say no. Reason being I'd be absolutely mortified if there was a meltdown (can be very violent and try to damage things or hurt people) and it's not worth taking the chance with the friendship. I don't think people realise how extreme things can be.

 

The only person to have G is my mam and even she can't cope out with both boys.

[elun1]

Hi J's mum

My son is not able enough to have friends, not even 'on the surface' ones therefore he is never invited anywhere. Even so I still worry if I have to leave him with anyone - even his respite care worker as I know he can be so difficult. He is also incontinent and as he's almost 6 this can cause problems even when friends occassionally offer as I don't want them to haveto change him (he will wee on toilet but not the other!!!) He is always with me or at school or in respite (6hrs per fortnight) I go to work 3 days a week otherwise I'd have gone mad by now

Elun xxx