ignoring most of it

[hev]

i think the best way to cope with steves behaviours is to ignore 99 percent of it,i completely ignore the swearing and insults cos it gets me absolutely nowhere and just ends up in a major meltdown then i think im just letting him get away with it and in the long run his behaviours never gonna improve.

 

do you ignore certain behaviours or do you act on everything?

[pearl]

Yes Hev. I pick my fights with J very, very carefully.

 

The things that are non negotiable in our house are:

 

hurting himself

hurting others

 

Thats about it really.

[suzie-girl]

i think the best way to cope with steves behaviours is to ignore 99 percent of it,i completely ignore the swearing and insults cos it gets me absolutely nowhere and just ends up in a major meltdown then i think im just letting him get away with it and in the long run his behaviours never gonna improve.

 

do you ignore certain behaviours or do you act on everything?

[MichelleW]

I try to ignore as much bad behaviour as possible, and praise the good behaviour - but sometimes it is incredibly difficult - especially when I'm tired or under the weather. I'm in the middle of reading the book "reaching the autistic child - A Parent Training programme" by Martin A. Kozloff and it backs up this method completely. The book is very heavy going in places, but has reminded me of a lot of techniques that I had been told about in the early bird plus course that I had forgotten about - such as using positive reinforcers for good behaviours.

 

However, in some situations (i.e. when crossing the road) bad behaviour can be dangerous and does need addressing - but I guess the type of response is what makes a difference.

 

I am actually using this method more for my (as yet undiagnosed) youngest son who is presenting the most challenging behaviour at times.

 

For example, if he won't hold my hand when walking down the street - I give him one warning and if he doesn't respond I then put him in pushchair (I have to use force most of the time) but without talking to him and then don't look at him and ignore his high pitched screams and don't look at him at all - then praise him when he is quiet.

 

As far as J is concerned, the worst behaviour is him hitting me ( a form of stimming when he gets out of school). I just ignore this - though I can imagine what the other parents are thinking!

 

However, I'm not sure how I would be able to deal with problems when they are teenagers and bigger than me!

 

All I can say is that you can only do your best - and every child is different.

Edited May 6, 2007 by MichelleW

[MichelleW]

I agree about the hurting others! Little one accidentally trod on J's toe - J responded by punching him. All I heard was little one scream and was very upset. It took me a while to find out exactly what happened (j is non verbal when anxious, and little one is non-verbal) , but I had already guessed most of it, and I did try to calmly explain to J that he must never punch someone.

Edited May 6, 2007 by MichelleW

[JsMum]

HEV While I agree ignoring their behaviour I hope that your not blaming yourself in whats happened lately, your description of stevies behaviour would of been very difficult to ignore, he was preventing you from moving aroung your home and becoming physically aggressive towards you, in cases like these you can not ignore it, yes there is some behaviours we can ignore but a lot of stevies difficulties you just can not, if you do you are going to place yourself in danger.

 

If the proffessional suggest this tactic, then your going to need a carer for him so that you are safe, a lot of what he is doing is physical, either hitting out or damaging property.

 

You shouldnt be questioning yourself and deciding how to manage him until you have got more services and agencies supporting you within the home, and he is placed in a controlled enviroment, ignoring him could lead him to become agitatied and frustrated that then could lead to disruptive behaviour.

 

I think you have shown great patience and management, its not your fault here, its his condition that needs more specialised support.

 

JsMum

[cmuir]

Hi

 

The only thing that keeps me sane is to switch off. I've found I get much better results by completely ignoring my son including avoiding eye contact. The little horror can threaten to smash windows, hurt me (stab/bite/kick/punch), throw things, etc. I try to ignore that, however, if I think that he may actually try something like that, I obviously can't ignore it - in the car on occasions he's started to kick the windows!. So, if he may become a danger to himself or others, I have to intervene. Generally, the abuse I ignore. It's soooooooooo hard!!! My husband finds it much more difficult to ignore things and he really makes things much worse by winding my son up - it then becomes a slanging match and goes on and on and on. I don't think it's a question of letting my son away with things - he initially gets a warning, telling him that if he continues to shout, throw things, etc, then I won't speak to him until he's calm. It's about not adding fuel to the fire.

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline.

[baddad]

Hi Hev - I think pearl has hit the nail on the head - pick your 'fight's' carefully and stick to your guns re the non-negotiables...

Consistency is, i think, the most important thing - if a piece of behaviour is ignored one day to 'keep the peace' but responded to another day because everyone is frazzled then the boundaries become blurred and unworkable...

Sometimes a tactical retreat may be in order - even for the non-negotiables - but that should (IMHO) be a temporary respite rather than a full withdrawl. The consequences still need to be recognised and negotiated at some point, otherwise there are no consequences.

Easy talking it, hard walking it, and you /we/they can never get it right 100% of the time, but it is, I think, the thing to strive for...

 

L&P

 

BD

[hev]

Consistency is, i think, the most important thing - if a piece of behaviour is ignored one day to 'keep the peace' but responded to another day because everyone is frazzled then the boundaries become blurred and unworkable...

baddad that is what ive always had trouble with,consistency,im not saying steves behaviour is my fault but what is unnacceptable one day is ignored the next sometimes due to my state of mind(does that make sense?)

[llisa32]

Hi Hev,

 

I too have sometimes been so frazzled out with life in general that on odd weeks I've got to the end of the week and realised that I've changed my mind on several 'rules' just for a bit of peace etc.

 

What I've done since when I've felt a bit calmer and things have settled down is to admit to my son that 'yes, I've changed my mind a few times about certain rules this week - because I've been tired. But then have just said 'lets just agree/confirm not what the main rules are going to be and try and stick to them. I've kinda implied to my son that It's easier if we both stick to the rules...don't know if that would be helpful or not.

 

Just thinking that for me once I'd sat him down and got 5 mins of attention to admit to him I'd messed up with making him stick to certain rules it made it a bit easier to follow through on them the next time as it wasa like they were 'new' rules and we were starting again (hope that makes sense)

 

I've all but given up caring about mess. But pretty strict on manners and behaviour in shops etc. If he plays up I ban xbox or playstation or tv - or all 3 if I've got the time to follow through on it and his behaviour has warranted it. I just always have to make sure i think about what I can/am willing to actually follow through on before I tell him

 

I hope you find something that works for you

 

And don't forget to take care of yourself

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

i pick my fights

but with both my kids

x

[lynyona]

Be it right or wrong i tend to ignore most of kierns behaviour if i chellenge he can argue for weeks and weeks lol. He s testing me at the minute his xbox 360 broke last week and he s been fine about it untill today and he s going on and on about it i just snapped and shouted "what do you want me to do about it"There is nothing i can do about it the warranty as run out and i cant just magic one or the money from thin in for a new one, i know if i lent him it he d pay me back but i havent got it to lend him as i have done for things in the past, so we ve got him going"im not just sittting her being bored and xbox is all the xxxxx under the son the shop that sold him it etc. Id chuck it in the bin but i know that while he angry he ll calm down eventually and will only want it when the bin men have been tomorrow and its to late then oh dee doh. I should have stayed at work and i know we ll have it again all day tomorrow im at work most of it lol.It is his pay day but he doesnt get enough to buy another and i dont know about yours but kieran cant save two lots of money he cant wait he needs it yesterday.Am i bothered if he never gets another one am i heck as like but for my sanity maybe.

 

 

lynn

[llisa32]

Just to add.....My lovely son has recently taken to telling me when I have just changed my mind on a rule!

 

so.....we argue the toss about something.....I say no.....he goes off in a huff.....then for a bit of peace I say 'go on then'

 

Son then says 'but mum, I can't now.....you said I can't!!!!

 

I'm then nearly pleading with him to do something I'd told him he couldn't!

 

Mad or what - me thinks it helps

[baddad]

baddad that is what ive always had trouble with,consistency,im not saying steves behaviour is my fault but what is unnacceptable one day is ignored the next sometimes due to my state of mind(does that make sense?)

 

 

Yes, it makes absolute sense, and I think everybody does it! That's why I think the fewer 'rules' the better, because it's much easier to be consistent about 1 or two things than have millions of things you have to be that way about...

I think there are sometimes good reasons for inconsistency (i.e. different/changing environments where interventions have to differ too) and sometimes it just happens because life intervenes, but reviewing those inconsistencies (as Lisa32 suggests) and making a firm commitment to keep them to a minimum can be a positive too.

If you think about a 'kick about' game of football - you might sometimes forget about things like the offside rule (???? yeah. like i'd know!! ) or the size of the goals or the number of players, but fundamentally the rules and expectations stay the same. If someone picks up the ball and starts running with it, that's a no-no (unless of course you happen to attend Rugby school - in which case you just make a complete new game out of it!), and they are penalised accordingly

 

L&P

 

BD

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

the one thing my dd has told me off for is saying maybe!

i say it cos i feel mean saying no straight off, but she says that gives her hope, and then she feels messed around

x

[peppa]

We're too struggling with consistency with dd (3), mainly as we're not entirely sure how much she comprehends, this also makes it difficult to give a punishment as she often isn't even aware she's done anything wrong, so sometimes i feel its better to ignore. She also doesn't like the idea of me refusing to talk to her if she's misbehaved, so at present this works on most occassions to highlight an issue.

We have had a recent break through though, she is beginning to understand differing choices and opinions, in such that she says things like" some babies like dummies some babies don't," or "some people like going on swings some don't". Im really proud of her achieving this and am hoping it will help her to understand that theres some things that are acceptable behaviour and some that aren't, and in what context.