soraya Report post Posted July 3, 2007 My son Nick stole �60.00 for my purse and spent the lot while i was at work today,He refuses to go to school, but usually i can leave him with some schoolwork to do and go to work for 3 hours, but today he was not in the house when i got in. He phoned me to tell me what he had done and said it was my fault as i was making him do schoolwork!!! He has not come home yet and i am really angry, my husband is going to go mad when he gets in, i dont know what to do, should i call the police and give him a real shock? I am really at the end of my tether, we have been coping with Nick for 13 years now and i feel like giving up and putting him into care Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
brooke Report post Posted July 3, 2007 Im so sorry <'> <'> I dont know what id do if this happened to me but he needs to realise he cant just steal your money, can you find out why he did it, is it attention seeking or wanting to buy something maybe if you can find out why he did it you might be able to sort it out. I would probably sit down and have a chat with him tell him how sad its made you, see if that works. Sorry i dont have any more advice. Brooke Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Stella63 Report post Posted July 3, 2007 Hey, I really sympathise with what you're going through. I have a 14 yr old aspergers son who has been in trouble ever since he started school. He was only dxed aspergers last year and I am beginning to see how and why he behaves the way he does. We have had stealing money from us, anger problems resulting in him smashing up his room and other parts of the house. we have had the police out recently because we were concerned for his safety and our younger son. He has been suspended from school so many times and is currently on a 5 day suspension for stealing a roll of magnesium from the science lab ( i haven't established yet why it was left lying around ). His excuse was that it was there and makes a pretty glow. The school has told me that he is in danger of being permanently excluded because he doesn't learn from his mistakes and appears to show no remorse for his actions. I feel like you and part of me thinks why not kick him out as I can't keep going through the stress but then the rational part of me says that he is unable to communicate why he does these things and I need to keep battling to get him the right help. We have been through CAMHS which was completely useless and I am now about to start with a private psychiatrist on monday to see if they can get through to him. Trouble is he has no motivation to help himself as he sees it as other peoples problem, not his. Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble but it is helping me knowing that I am not the only one dealing with these kinds of problems. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
soraya Report post Posted July 3, 2007 Hi Stella thanks for replying, Things are a lot calmer now and Nick is very remorsefull, but i am being very cool towards him as i am still very angry. I have made a desicion that the next time he hits me i will call the police, as i think it will shock him. This forum is great as you know you are not alone and people really understand what you are going through. anyway must go and try to get him to go to bed!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Stella63 Report post Posted July 4, 2007 Hi Soraya, Hope things are calmer today. It certainly shocked AJ when we called the police as previously we had used it as a threat and I think he didn'y believe us. The policeman was really helpful, went upstairs and sat down and talked to AJ about his behaviour. It hasn't stopped the behaviour carrying on but as I'm learning more about his aspergers I am beginning to have a better understanding of why he does these things and how to deal with him (when I am calm and rational !). I found a really good link called Managing an Angry Episode at www.mindsandhearts.net. I don't know how to do that as a proper link but have a look at it, we used it the other evening after a meltdown because the internet went down and AJ was in the middle of some extremely important World of Warcraft game!! It did help. Good luck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mossgrove Report post Posted July 4, 2007 This is a really difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. One thing that makes it more difficult is that Nick has probably got quite limited empathy/understanding when it comes to the impact on you of taking money from his purse. He will probably understand that he has spent some money you would rather have spent yourself and it has made you very angry, but probably not understand that it is not really about the �60, it's about the lack of respect and the fact that he has shown he can't be trusted and he had insufficient empathy not to go ahead and take the money. So although what he did was very wrong he may not have fully understood how much it would upset you and gone ahead anyway, he has prrobably gone ahead because he didn't understand quite how bad it was. The especially difficult part is he may never fully understand how much he has upset you. Which may mean that you have to work on making sure that he doesnt do it again because it will have unpleasant consequences for him, rather than relying on the desire not to upset you as much again meaning he will never do it again. One thing you could do is to wait until he asks for something that costs money, e.g. a computer game or a pair of trainers. You can then explain to him that you would have loved to buty them for him, but the money that you were going to buy them with has been taken out of your purse and spent and you don't have any more money to buy them with. Alternatively you could make him pay back the money at �1 a week. There will in all probability be some uoset when you confront the situatuiion like this but he may well understand once he has been gven time to process the information. I hope I am not patronising you by saying this but I do think there need to be clear consequences of this for him to fully undertand that whatever the rights and wrongs of the issue doing this again will have consequences for him rather than him feeling it was a situation that you 'caused' by your unreasonable behaviour in making him do schoolwork he didn't want to do, and therefore your fault not his. I know this is a huge and difficult challenge for any parent and I wish you and Nick all the best however you choose to handle it. Simon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mrs.ddh Report post Posted July 4, 2007 Hiya Stella and Soraya, I have a son around the same age (14) with autism, and he also takes things from school and thinks there is nothing wrong with this. I made him take the things back, which he did, but he did not see that what he had done was wrong and will no doubt do it again. I also have felt like giving up, still do. lol! It seems as if things will never get better, that this is how our lives will be forever and how do you cope with that? Sick as this may sound, I actually felt better having read your posts! Misery loves company? But I didnt know other people were going through exactly what we were or felt as we do - so this forum is already helping me, and you have helped me with your honesty and willingness to share your grief and frustration. Thanks for making my day that little bit brighter and I hope yours will be too! ddh Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mossgrove Report post Posted July 4, 2007 mrs.ddh I am sorry for patronising you if you have already been through all this, but is there no way of teaching your son that if he takes anything from school there will be consequences? As you have said he may never understand why it is wrong, or even that it is wrong, but he may learn that there is a simple cause and effect, e.g. if you bring anything home from school that does not either belong to you or a teacher has told you it is OK to bring home then he will be banned from the computer for the evening? Our son is only 9 but the only way we could persuade him to stop hitting his siblings was with an hour ban from the computer and games conloles if he hit. He never understood it, eand even now he thinks it is his siblings fault when he hits them because they did something so wrong (in his eyes) that it was necessary to hit them, but it happens a lot less now the consequences are clear. I won't say it never happens because it still does, but he now hits far less than he used to. Simon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cmuir Report post Posted July 4, 2007 Hi Stella thanks for replying, Things are a lot calmer now and Nick is very remorsefull, but i am being very cool towards him as i am still very angry. I have made a desicion that the next time he hits me i will call the police, as i think it will shock him. This forum is great as you know you are not alone and people really understand what you are going through. anyway must go and try to get him to go to bed!! Hi Please don't think I'm criticising, but I'd be very careful if/when it comes to getting the police involved. I can see where you're coming from that you want to teach Nick that there are consequences if he lashes out, but the police can only do so much. In addition, you'd be lucky to get a police officer who has some knowledge of ASDs - ie situation may not be handled ASD-sympathetically. Consequences may be worse getting police involved. Don't know what to suggest other than trying to impose penalties ie withdrawing computer time or something like that (very difficult I'm sure!). Just concerned that police involvement may make things worse and have other consequences ie social services involvement, etc. Hopefully things won't come to that. Best wishes Caroline. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
soraya Report post Posted July 4, 2007 Hi Caroline, I can see where you are coming from but Nick is nearly 14 and very strong, when he is in a rage it is very frightening, i have lots of bruises and i am not prepaired to put up with it any longer.Nick will soon be an adult in the outside world and he has to understand that violence and stealing is unacceptable in todays society, we will not always be around to protect him and make exuses for him. He is grounded at the moment, but as he refuses to go to school it is also a punishment for me as he is around 24/7 !!! He really needs a residential school but unfortunately the LEA do not agree. i am not worried about social services as i rang them up and pr warned them of the suituation. Anyway i have to go to work now, let hope he behaves himself today!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mossgrove Report post Posted July 4, 2007 Caroline It is a very tough call, but appearing to manage a situation from within your existing resources is almost ceraintly going to mean you get no help at all from SS. Sometimes it needs outside involvement for things to start to happen. But there are dangers too so it's not an easy call. Simon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
