Hello and a question about frustration

[Selkie]

Just to say hello to you all - I posted in Introductions, but thought I'd say hello here too

 

I have a 9yo son with AS & dyspraxia and we have been through quite an upheaval in our lives recently, which included living in a women's refuge for a couple of months. As I'm sure you can imagine he has found it very hard to cope - his routines changed dramatically several times

 

Life has stabilised somewhat now, but obviously it is going to take a long time for him to adjust properly. One thing that I have particularly noticed is that he has started getting frustrated a LOT more easily than before - he always did get very frustrated with things he couldn't do, but now if he can't do something the first time (e.g. computer game, school work etc.) he starts shouting & getting angry. I have tried different approaches to it:

I've consoled him & explained he can't always do things first time & he needs to practise/keep trying

I've suggested he goes and does something else and comes back to it whan he has calmed down

I've tried distracting him with some other task

I have tried ignoring him (not easy in a small flat!)

I have also (shame on me) lost my temper, shouted at him & sent him to his room in a BIG sulk.

 

Unfortunately, the one that seems to work best for me is the last one, but I know it's not best for him because he needs to learn how to cope with frustration. The other approaches don't have any effect whatsoever, he just carries on shouting. He always has been easily frustrated, but never to this extent.

 

I think part of it may stem from being in the refuge, as the turnover of families was, by the very nature of these places, quite high. His problems with making friends & interacting with other kids became very obvious to both himself and others. The usual pattern - making friends, them realising he is 'different', teasing him & eventually ostracising him because of his behaviour - was repeated many times in a short space of time. I think that this made him more aware of his 'problems' (I hate that word!) and he became frustrated at himself.

 

Throughout our time there, I did manage to keep him at his school (though it involved a very long drive every day!) simply because I knew he needed some continuity & the last thing he needed was to try to fit in at a new school as well!

 

I'm sure it's all a lot more complicated than that, but I am finding it very hard coping with him just now. To be honest I'm finding it hard coping with everything that has happened, but I feel I'm letting my son down every time I end up shouting at him, and I think I need a different strategy to cope with this behaviour.

 

Any ideas? He is a great kid in so many ways and it hurts to see him like this.

[oxgirl]

Hi Selkie, welcome to the forum. <'>

So sorry to hear about your recent troubles, it sounds like you've been through a lot and it's obviously taken it's toll on both of you. Try not to be too hard on yourself, you need time to recover from the stress and strain as well. It sounds like you're doing all the right things and it could just be a matter of time. It's bound to have been unsettling for your lad, all the changes, but once he realizes that things are now more permanent and secure it could be that he'll start to respond to your reassurances. Sounds like you both need some tlc. Don't neglect yourself, though, you need some hugs too. Is there anyone you can talk to and get some support from?

All the best and keep posting. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[Selkie]

Thanks Mel

I have some help, but not a lot - I don't have any family or many friends round here. But I am, hopefully, going to get some counselling after being referred by my doctor, I also get some support through the outreach workers from the refuge

It's my son that is keeping me going ATM, so I probably worry about him even more than I would normally!

[SarahSH]

Hi Selkie sounds really tough at the moment - no wonder you need to shout! I know how you feel and have yelled my head off in the past and then felt terrible and thought I'd ruined them for life. (probably did )

 

One thought - is there anyone else around for you to turn to and also for him?

 

I think one of the hardest things for all of us is how much we end up coping on our own, and it seems to make the situation with our kids worse and worse. I've had times on my own with my children (NT, semi-NT/AS, and AS/dyspraxic ) and think it made my AS son too connected to me, which he tends to be anyway.

 

I feel looking back, that I wish I'd turned to someone else more - anyone - mum? sister? brother? friend? barstaff? for support, and also managed to find an older bloke for him to relate to. Easier said than done I know but is there anyone male around at all who might get on with him and do stuff with him now and again?

 

My son gets on well now with his grandad, and I wish he had seen more of him sooner. Don't think our isolation helped either of us ( obvious I know but looking back I could have done more to prevent it maybe) and made him even more over-reliant on me.

 

Thinking of you

Sarah

[jb1964]

One thing that I have particularly noticed is that he has started getting frustrated a LOT more easily than before - he always did get very frustrated with things he couldn't do, but now if he can't do something the first time (e.g. computer game, school work etc.) he starts shouting & getting angry.

 

Hi Selkie,

 

Hope things start to settle down for you both soon - sounds like you've had a pretty rough time of it. I'm sure you'll get some great advice and help on this forum.

 

Re: The getting frustrated thing - I have to be honest I've found the older my daughter this has become worse - and anxieties or stresses definitely adds on top of this. Lots of it is to do with the fact that they are becoming more aware of their differences as they become more mature, I think this it more frustrating and upsetting for them especially when they find it so difficult to explain their feelings and emotions - because they are not really understanding why they feel like it in the first place.

 

Hopefully once things settle down some of the anxieties may settle with it and it will get a little better.

 

Take care,

Jb

[Selkie]

Thanks everyone

Sarah - I have started seeing someone new, who has been brilliant with my son. He has tried helping with the frustration issue, trying all the things I've tried (with the exception of shouting at him & sending him to his room!), and also trying to help with whatever my son is struggling with (that's one I've also tried but forgot to put in my original post!), all to no avail

 

In general I feel he has coped remarkably well, given his issues, so I suppose something like this is quite understandable. The summer holidays are coming up though, and I am dreading it!