Independance training!?!

[oxgirl]

Hi all, looking for a bit of advice and reassurance (as usual!),

 

My lad is nearly 14 and has no independance and is terrified at the thought of being alone without an adult within sight. I really need to tackle this, but it's just knowing how to go about it.

 

We have a shop a couple of mins away from our house and I needed to pop over and get some bread (10 mins max) and I tried to get Jay to agree to stay put by the pond and let me just pop over, but he wasn't having any of it. In the end I agreed to drag him along with me, but I said I wanted him to wait outside by the door and let me go in and I'd get the stuff and be right out.

 

Well, the trauma!! He was in such a state, pacing up and down and waving his arms around, mumbling to himself and getting himself very worked up and stressed. I was literally in the shop about four mins (I was going as fast as I could) but he was in such a state when I got out and he was desperately unhappy with himself because he said he'd made a fool of himself and he was useless, etc. etc.

 

The thing I'm asking is, do you think it's right that I should be putting him through this amount of stress? Part of me feels like I'm being really cruel, but it has to be done! I mean, if I left it up to him he'd be 35 and still handcuffed to me and still trotting along to the shop with me because he can't stay alone.

 

He just keeps saying he's terrified. I might not come out! I might forget him! I might leave him and not come to get him and he'd be on his own forever! Despite constant reassurance he just doesn't trust me not to slip out the back door and disappear. Apart from being very hurt by this, I just don't know what to do really. Should I continue doing it and force him to practice and maybe ruin the holidays when he should be relaxing away from the stress of school or should I leave it a bit longer and let him enjoy a relaxing hol? I feel like I'm just adding more stress and anxiety onto him when he should be de-stressing from school and I feel pretty rotten and it's also making him feel like a failure.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks.

 

~ Mel ~

[elun1]

<'> <'> Hi Mel

It's really difficult to find a balance and I'm not sure I have any advice as mine are aged 6 and 7 and youngest severe autism with SLD so he's always going to need someone with him, even as an adult. However eldest ds is much higher functioning and although he's younger he constantly seeks reassurance often still following me even to the loo!

With him I'm firm and tell him, for e.g. 'first wait for me then we can play' so he knows what to expect. I suppose it's just very small steps to independence but we're a long way off it!

Sorry not to be much use but hope someone better will be along soon!

love Elun xxx

[pearl]

JP was very similar at 14, Mel. I didnt think he'd ever be independant. Wouldnt even queue up to pay for a book in a bookshop, or even let me queue while he browsed. He would be in agonies just paying for a bag of jelly babies himself.

 

I didnt push it much at the time, what really helped was him leaving school & going to 6th form which was a college bus ride away. He'd never been on a bus on his own or even crossed the main road on his own to get to the bus stop.

 

The summer before he started we practised crossing at the Pelican, college liaised with us to see what support he'd need re. transport, I was thinking he'd need a taxi but they said, let him try the bus, we'll send someone to accompany him if necessary till he gets used to it.

 

Well it wasnt necessary, mr pearl accompanied him to the bus stop the first day, he knew people there & never looked back. The first couple of days study support phoned to check he'd arrived home ok.

 

College also encouraged him, slow but sure, to queue up in the canteen, choose his own food, pay for it etc, again stuff he'd never done before.

 

The first time he caught the service bus back rather than the college bus on his early finish day, his ESW went to the bus stop with him & saw him on the bus, then phoned to make sure he'd arrived safely. Next week he did it alone.

 

And look at him now, 2 years on, we've gone away & left him in charge of the house for the weekend, he's doing taekwondo, about to start work, driving.... I go all bubbly inside thinking how he's progressed, yet scared too that it still might go wrong.

 

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, we did it with help - JP would try things college suggested whereas with us he would refuse. I know how scary it seems Mel when they are so clingy, but Jay will mature at his own pace, keep on with baby steps , but just enjoy the holidays with him, & enlist help when the time is right, he WILL get there I'm sure. <'>

[Clare63]

Hi Mel,

 

Poor J he obviously finds this very stressful and then it ends up not very pleasant for either of you.

 

Couple of suggestions which might prove useful or not :-

 

1)give him the housekeys to hold whilst you are in the shop then he'll know you'll come back out for him.

 

2) write/type up on a small card say business card size the steps you are both going to take, right from leaving the house to getting back home again, ensure he is familuar with the routine and let him hold the card whilst you are in the shop so he can see what the next steps are.

 

3) get him to "time" how fast you are in the shop, possibly will give him something else to focus on rather than worrying when/if you'll come back out.

 

4) get someone if possible to help you, they could wait with J whilst you go in the shop and reassure him till you come out.

 

Don't set your expectations of him too high, we started Connor very very slowly when he would not leave the house without undertaking a huge set of rituals which used to take hours, by getting him just to walk to the garden gate without doing "such & such" ritual and very gradually he learnt he be OK. Its still not perfect and he still performs his rituals but we have managed to do them in less time (the rituals are a result of his anxiety). He won't go in a shop alone and would never pay for anything at the counter, but will wait in the car when I pop in a shop but always promptly locks the doors. If he stays home alone he closes all the curtains and locks the doors and windows while I quickly pop out.

 

You'll get there <'> <'> <'>

 

Clare x x x

[SarahSH]

Hi Mel

feel for you - must be kind of restricting, much as you love him. Don't suppose HE'D go to the shop if it's nearby, so YOU'RE the one waiting? Maybe that's unrealistic.

 

All I can say is, I think you're doing the right thing by showing him that you do come back, he does survive the separation and so do you. And that's got to be good in the end, instead of endless words of reassurance but behaving as if it really isn't OK to separate for even moments.

 

Think it's brilliant that you did it - much easier to go along with it in some ways - and brilliant that he did actually stand outside! Well done both of you!

 

Interested to hear Pearl's comments about her son going to college. My lad is 15 and we did a test run for the bus to school recently. Together, but he suggested the next stage could be we walk to the bus stop together, he gets the bus and I meet him the other end. Which I thought was pretty brave.

 

You'll get there, Mel. One day...

Sarah

[Paula]

After reading youre absolutly positive post Pearl i just had to say what an inspiration it has been to me.My son is 13 and i often wonder how hell cope and what the future holds youve given me hope that in time all things come.

 

 

 

 

Mel

 

How about investing in a realy cheap walkie talkie so he can have contact with you easily whislt waiting outside.So he doesnt feel so alone.

 

I know what you mean in thinking hes got to face his fears but at the same time its causeing distress,i often feel i make matters worse by not makeing my son do things he hates coz hell always hate them but most times even though it takes years he comes round to it in the end.

 

I dont know if anyone remember sthe agro we had with him and going to the toilet for a poo,he would sit and scream and go weeks and have anal leakage ..........beleive it or not he now goes without prompting every day.its a modern day miracle.

[oxgirl]

After reading youre absolutly positive post Pearl i just had to say what an inspiration it has been to me.My son is 13 and i often wonder how hell cope and what the future holds youve given me hope that in time all things come.

Mel

 

How about investing in a realy cheap walkie talkie so he can have contact with you easily whislt waiting outside.So he doesnt feel so alone.

 

I know what you mean in thinking hes got to face his fears but at the same time its causeing distress,i often feel i make matters worse by not makeing my son do things he hates coz hell always hate them but most times even though it takes years he comes round to it in the end.

 

I dont know if anyone remember sthe agro we had with him and going to the toilet for a poo,he would sit and scream and go weeks and have anal leakage ..........beleive it or not he now goes without prompting every day.its a modern day miracle.

 

 

Thanks Paula, <'>

 

Yes, it's difficult, it is a balance between pushing them too far and letting them avoid things. I know, with Jay, that he'll never 'choose' to do these things, he always prefers to avoid things that are difficult so I do have to push to some extent, it's just a matter of not pushing so hard that he breaks!

 

My plan is to get a mobile phone for him and for me to practice walking up the road and phoning him or getting him to walk to the corner and call me, stuff like that, don't know if it will work but I'll give it a try. He's hopefully going to start going by taxi to school from September, sharing some days with another boy, so that's a big step towards independence, he's got to start growing up a bit sometime and I think it will do his self esteem good to know that he can do these things. He often complains about how he can't do things but isn't willing to put in the work to achieve them. Ah well, we'll see how it goes, if it's a disaster then I'll have to back off a bit.

 

Cheers. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[MichelleW]

I was having a discussion with another mum last week. She seemed very upset and felt that she was "holding her son back". He is about 12-13 I think. I could not really offer any advice as my son is only 7 and though high functioning, is still more severe compared to her son who is diagnosed as Asperger. may be I am over-protective, but I did say that I didn't think I'd ever let J anywhere alone - I think it is the way society is now that even NT children are no longer safe, from paedophiles, bullies, the new gangs who like to catch their attacks on mobile phones, mobile phone thieves etc. How can a vulnerable child/teenager ever be completely safe and independent. maybe I am worrying too much.

 

But I do agree that there does need to be a degree of independence gradually introduced. I still have J getting upset if I'm in the toilet or garden where he can't find me straight away! I still have a baby monitor to take with me to the bottom of the garden - so a walky talky would be a good idea.

[oxgirl]

I was having a discussion with another mum last week. She seemed very upset and felt that she was "holding her son back". He is about 12-13 I think. I could not really offer any advice as my son is only 7 and though high functioning, is still more severe compared to her son who is diagnosed as Asperger. may be I am over-protective, but I did say that I didn't think I'd ever let J anywhere alone - I think it is the way society is now that even NT children are no longer safe, from paedophiles, bullies, the new gangs who like to catch their attacks on mobile phones, mobile phone thieves etc. How can a vulnerable child/teenager ever be completely safe and independent. maybe I am worrying too much.

 

But I do agree that there does need to be a degree of independence gradually introduced. I still have J getting upset if I'm in the toilet or garden where he can't find me straight away! I still have a baby monitor to take with me to the bottom of the garden - so a walky talky would be a good idea.

 

 

Thanks for the reply, Michelle. <'>

I do agree that when they're littlies the future seems very far off and it's impossible to imagine them going out and about on their own. Trouble is, by the time they're nearly 14 the future is starting to creep up pretty sharpish and it's then that we start to worry about how they are going to cope out there. I don't want to consider a future where I'm dragging my 30 year old over to the shop with me and there comes a time when they have to start learning these skills really, otherwise that's what's going to happen, so I guess for us I feel that the time has come to start trying.

 

I'm sure it's the same for any parent, though, they're all sitting at home fretting and waiting for their kids to come home safe, but I'm watching the kids of people I know who are younger than Jay starting to go out and about on their own and walking to school alone and it's just not happening for Jay and he has to do it, he just has to. It's going to be small steps and it's going to take several years, I'm sure, but I want to believe that one day he'll feel confident enough to pop to the library on his own without his old mum accompanying him, I have to hold on to that belief because the alternative is just too scary for me, I guess.

 

~ Mel ~