Mumble Report post Posted August 26, 2007 One more question (then I promise to shut up and go and eat chocolate ): Do people ever say "How are you?" if they actually want to know how you are, or do they say something else? If they do use it when they want to really know how you are, how do they signal a differentiation between expecting the "Fine, thanks, and you?" answer and the truth? I get the example of Kathryn of going to the doctors because of the context - what if you saw the GP out of the context of the surgery - shopping for example? If I'm seeing my support tutor who I'd normally only see if there was a problem, should I then use the "fine thanks etc." before telling the truth, or just start with the truth? I think I'm thinking too much about this now . . . Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted August 26, 2007 I constantly forget to add the "and how are you?" bit. I try and make up for it by asking them a question about themselves later on. Thanks Bullet - I think this is what I'm most worried about (it was not asking how others were that the mentor picked up on and told me I was rude for not doing - she didn't seem to realise that with the effort of replying at all I wasn't being rude just totally exhausted/confused/etc.). Your idea seems a good way to 'patch' the conversation. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Lya of the Nox Report post Posted August 26, 2007 One more question (then I promise to shut up and go and eat chocolate ): Do people ever say "How are you?" if they actually want to know how you are, or do they say something else? If they do use it when they want to really know how you are, how do they signal a differentiation between expecting the "Fine, thanks, and you?" answer and the truth? i dont think they do to be honest i think it is just a greeting cos most peeps would really NOT want to know how i really am now u need to stop thinking and worryin bout this and get ready to your visit to balamory !!!!! x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Juney Report post Posted August 26, 2007 Hi, I find it is difficult to tell if the person really wants to know more, it really depends on my relationship with the person, if its a neighbour, or someone I don't well I'd say "Not bad, thanks," or something similar even if I was feeling awful. If it was a person I knew well I'd say a bit more, Like if I wasn't feeling well, I might say, " I'm not too bad, but I've got a cold I just can't get rid of." or whatever the situation is. If it was a uni tutor - I'd maybe make a reference to my uni work. " I'm OK, struggling with my essay a bit!- if it was my personal uni tutor ( mentor) I might go in more detail. It would also depend on where I was, and if they looked busy or rushing themselves. If I dont want to talk for long I tend to keep moving, or back away after a bit. Bullets idea is a good one as I sometimes forget to ask how the other person is. I think I sometimes ask in a different way if I really want to know.. I might say " How are you feeling?" " How are you getting on" Juney Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted August 26, 2007 Really interesting thread With me - kind of depends on who i'm talking to and why - and how i'm doing that day... People i know and trust, i can talk to or prod if i want them, every now and then! I don't tend to start with 'how are you?'. I'm happy to just sit, i don't feel the need to talk to fill in the silence as most NT's do. If i spot someone in the street - i can do a good twenty minutes of 'How are you's?' 'Lovely weather!' 'How's the family'..........natter, natter......... But any more than twenty - and my brain gives up . So i'll just say 'Bye' and walk off! (I get lots of Have i offended you? texts ). Work - not a problem, i can talk for hooooooours! Phone - depends on the 'who'. But i'm known for nattering away for a while - and then going silent. It's not that i don't want to speak, or even that i've had enough. Just happy to sit and 'be'. (Drives me nuts when teachers make M talk all the time ) Ohhhhhh - i'm speaking sleepy crazy mad woman again........ Hmph - think i should have unpacked my brain in the house move?? Not making much sense! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted August 26, 2007 Thanks everyone, There was me thinking my opening post was just a simple question that would get a simple answer You NTs really are a complicated lot - and they say ASDs are difficult to understand????? now u need to stop thinking and worryin bout this and get ready to your visit to balamory !!!!! I'm trying - I have bag, and I have pile of stuff. Problem is that pile of stuff is a littlelot bigger than bag!! I'm trying to work out what I don't really need to take. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted August 26, 2007 OK Mumble, you need.... clotheses toiletries money ticket paperwork (hotel reservations etc) chocolate something to read. You dont need.... everything else Have a lovely lovely time, looking forward to hearing all about it. <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted August 26, 2007 OK Mumble, you need.... clotheses toiletries money ticket paperwork (hotel reservations etc) chocolate something to read. You dont need.... everything else Well I ate the chocolate because that didn't fit!!!! And I think I'll have to wear lots of clothes tomorrow!!! I don't have anything that's not on this list (with a little imagination . . . ) - maybe my bag is too small!!!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted August 26, 2007 Ok.... add to list... bigger bag Or do the layering thing & arrive penguin shaped Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted August 26, 2007 arrive penguin shaped The chocolate has taken care of that!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MelowMeldrew Report post Posted August 26, 2007 All the games people play now Every night and every day now Never meaning what they say Never say what they mean First you wind away your hours In your concrete towers Soon you'll be covered up in flowers In the back of a black limousine People walking up to you Singing glory halleluia Then they try to sock it to you In the name of lord Na nanananananana Talking about you and me And the games people play All the games people play now Every night and every day now Never meaning what they say Never say what they mean Then they teach you how to meditate Read your horoscope and change your fate And further more to hell with hate Come on and give me some more Na nanananananana Talking about you and me And the games people play First you given up your sanity Turn your back for humanity And you don't give a damn Na nanananananana Talking about you and me And the games people play IN a nutshell..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted August 26, 2007 Do people ever say "How are you?" if they actually want to know how you are? Yeah, they do, which gets confusing. I think if you said, "fine thanks," and they said, "no, really," they would genuinely want to know. Or if you had recently discussed something upsetting with them, then they might really want to know as well. I get the example of Kathryn of going to the doctors because of the context - what if you saw the GP out of the context of the surgery - shopping for example? No, I think he doesn't really want to know when he's off-duty. Whenever I see my GP outside of the surgery he always says hello, but I don't know if he actually recognises me, or if he just says hello to everyone because they all recognise him. If I'm seeing my support tutor who I'd normally only see if there was a problem, should I then use the "fine thanks etc." before telling the truth, or just start with the truth? Here I think you should launch straight into the truth. Tutor: How are you? Mumble: Well, I've got a bit of a problem actually . . . People are really confusing! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted August 28, 2007 Have really enjoyed reading through this thread. I always tend to ask how someone is, if I am asked myself. Sometimes they just reply with a standard, fine thanks, and sometimes they will expand a little more, depending on person/relationship/setting/time factor. When you really think it through, its a minefield isn't it, and something I've just taken for granted. I feel I'm poo at social niceties. I fluff my way through it, and probably appear to be coping better than I am. I love being with friends where I feel we don't have to talk non stop, and much prefer to listen to someone, rather than talk myself. I'm not great on phones either, and would much rather chat face to face with someone, or email/text. I find it so much easier to explain how I feel in a letter or email, than I would over a phone or sitting next to someone. Not so long ago I would never of even contemplated going to any of the meet ups or meeting any of the members of the forum. The thought would of made me feel physically sick. But I have been trying to force myself to confront scary things, which is why I try to make such an effort to go, and get out and meet people. Once I'm there I sometimes struggle to know what to say, and hope I'm with someone chatty or someone I feel comfortable with. Bizarrely, my counsellor said I came across as a socially confident, friendly, warm person I just don't SEE that myself....does that make sense I'm appalling at small talk, and never know what the boundaries are........I'd probably ask too intimate a question and find all the bland chat about weather/holidays etc that happens at the hairdressers and other places awful. I am the sort of person who just likes to go and have my hair cut, give me a mag and a cuppa, and leave me be DH is always asking me to go to his work's social events, but I avoid them.....they do actually terrify me, and when I did pluck up the courage to go to his friends birthday party, I got so drunk I told the birthday boy's wife her new breast implants were fantastic and that DH hadn't been able to take his eyes off them all night I also spent the entire next day in bed, ill, through drinking so much alcohol, purely through nerves Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted August 28, 2007 BTW, hope your having a fantastic holiday Mumble. We went to Dunoon a few years back and planned to visit Tobermory, but didn't make it in the end. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted August 28, 2007 when I did pluck up the courage to go to his friends birthday party, I got so drunk I told the birthday boy's wife her new breast implants were fantastic and that DH hadn't been able to take his eyes off them all night I also spent the entire next day in bed, ill, through drinking so much alcohol, purely through nerves Oh Baggy I've just choked on my pale cream sherry reading that! I do suspect we were separated at birth, I can identify 100% with everything you just said! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
elun1 Report post Posted August 28, 2007 I always talk ###### at dh's work do's as well - try and avoid them at all costs! Elun xxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
