anxieties about boarding

[loulou]

Hi everyone,

 

Kai has been boarding at school monday to friday since last term. Before that he used to stay monday and tuesday nights only.

 

Anyway, he's been stressing about boarding the WHOLE of the summer holidays. He keeps telling me he hates it there, and keeps writing down the reasons why he doesn't like it. These include:

 

He misses me/the cats/the rabbits/his baby brother/his toys

The beds are uncomfortable/hot

He doesn't like the food/he goes to bed hungry

Nobody likes him

He doesn't like the after school activities

He doesn't like the care staff

 

All of these things are true to some extent, but i don't really know if he's just exaggerating it, as he'd rather stay at home.

The reason he goes to boarding is to help him with his social skills, help him interact with others and provide him with a more stable environment (he was having lots of meltdowns before).

 

Boarding has helped him in all of these areas, but he definately seems happier at home. It's hard to know whether FORCING him to interact with other children and take part in activities is helping him in the long run or not.

 

When he's at home his behaviour is worse and he doesn't have any friends (or rather there are no suitable children for him to play with).

 

I'm really stuck as to what to do, as i don't know if he's just pulling at my heart strings so he gets what he wants and stays at home. The other part of me wants him to continue at boarding as he needs to learn to be independent rather than relying on me to always do everything for him.

 

I've considered cutting down the boarding back to 2 nights and see how it goes. I'm dreading ringing the school though, as they think i'm too soft.

 

What do you think?

 

Loulou xx

Edited August 31, 2007 by loulou

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Throughout the holidays my son (5 starting P2) kept saying he didn't want to go back, hates it, no friends, etc. Whilst I have big problems actually getting him to school in the morning, once he's there he's absolutely fine (I've seen it with my own eyes). I put it down to anxiety and actually maybe school is hard work - suspect he'd rather stay at home in his PJs watching Scooby Doo and Thunderbirds DVDs, etc!

 

From what you've said, Kai behaviour has improved. You're bound to have allsorts running through your mind because he's not at home with you. Something's definitely working though. Definitely worth discussing things with the staff - could Kai be broken back into his routine gently ie part-time then full-time over a period of say 2-3 weeks (on the other hand may be best to get him back straight away - still an option though)? Summer holidays are a long time and where my son's concerned is long enough to break his routine then become anxious about going back. It could be a simple case of anxiety. Whilst you definitely have to take onboard what Kai says, it can be really difficult to work out (certainly in my son's case) what is actually happening. I'd definitely speak to the staff and involve Kai in discussions so that he feels involved and so that he's free to express his viewpoint. I recall your posts pre-boarding and you had quite a tough time. Guess you have to weigh up what the improvements (if any) have been or if certain things have worsened.

 

I'm concerned that my son finds fitting in with mainstream and general school environment (before he's done any work) difficult. He receives 1-2-1 full-time support. Yet, my son shows signs of being stressed eg he'll tell me he doesn't want to go to school because he's ill (but asks for ice cream and crisps for breakfast!). I've asked if something bothers him only to discover ages later he actually doesn't want to go because of assembly. I've told him that there are some things which can change, other things can't, but assembly is one of them. In front of the teacher and LA, I told R (didn't give staff the choice) that he was to try sitting for a little while and if he found it too much then he could ask to be excused and brought out. My request was reasonable and I didn't give staff the choice because ASD kids can find that kind of situation really difficult. In my usual long-winded way, guess I'm saying that there may be signs there during term (best to assess things once he's back into routine).

 

Best of luck and hopefully Kai will settle quickly back into boarding.

 

Caroline.

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

it could just be basic not wanting change

my dd keps saying no-one likes her but i ma told that is not true

have u talked to the school? and seen what they think about his anxieties?

good luck

x

[JsMum]

The beds are uncomfortable/hot

He doesn't like the food/he goes to bed hungry

He doesn't like the after school activities

He doesn't like the care staff

 

 

I think that it is absaloutly brilliant that Kai has been able to communicate to you these things he finds he doesnt like at the boarding school, and I think they are all resolvable.

 

If it is that the bed is uncomfortable and stuffy then this could be rectified, the issue with the choice of foods could also be looked into and see if they can come to a mutual agreement to finding something he does like and will eat so he doesnt go to bed hungry, and maybe get a scedule of what types of activities that are available after school, is there a choice for example, as for not liking the staff this could also be included in his return plan to be have a dedicated member of staff that maybe he does like and they spend some time together doing activities that he will enjoy for a set period time if he agrees to also participate in a group game so he is getting an even ballance and so that others there can also build up thier own difficulties with socialising as it may be that it isnt always him who has the difficulties in social understanding, but others there too who are similair so maybe that it does need looking into further the kinds of children that he is expected to socialise with.

 

I personally wouldnt change the time scale he is at boarding if before term it was working and there was a reason that he went more which was it was seen as keeping the routines as consistant as possible, plus at the moment at home he isnt doing school stuff that could set off the meltdowns, so whilst you may have a honeymoon period at home at the moment I think it could change if expectations increase with school tasks so I would try and resolve the issues that Kai has raised.

 

I think he has a valid point in all the issues raised and I defo missed my Dog when I was away, so I know what thats like, what about a really nice framed photo of his beloved treasures that could be next to his bed so he has them close by when he returns to his boarding headquaters.

 

JsMum

Edited August 31, 2007 by JsMum

[lil_me]

Sorry but if my child was unhappy I would not care if the school thought I was 'soft'. Personally I have no idea how you cope as I couldn't handle my son being at boarding school, so well done on that bit.

 

I would say if it was me I would - reduce the boarding days (stuff what the school think, he's your son!) make sure everything to rectify what he has issues with is being dealt with, play it by ear from there. Forcing him to do something he hates I would say would not improve any skills, social or otherwise and just make him hate it even more. Children can learn independance when sleeping at home.

 

Hope you make the right choice for him and that he's happier when he returns to school..

[stressedmumto2]

Hi Lou,

 

Sorry to hear you are feeling a bit like your heart strings are torn, like j's mum has said all of the things kai has complained about can be made better and I think it could be the fact that he's been having such a nice holiday time at home where he can do what he wants i.e watch dvd's play playstation and not do school work coupled with the fact that it's a big change to go back to school and add in the trasition difficulties he has which is probably making him very anxious about going back to school. I think you need to play on the good side of school that he does enjoy, their must be at least one and really use that as his motivator.

 

Does he have a social story showing who is teacher is going to be next year, who is in his class and what he will be doing when he goes back etc. I think it's really important that he is also given choice when it comes to eating and and that can definatly be discussed with teachers as can the bedding, maybe he could even take his own bedding from home?

 

What about a photo album you can both make together with pictures of all of you that he can put under his pillow with a small box of family memories, so when he's feeling sad he can look to that and know that you all still care very much about him which is why he is in boarding, don't let that leave you, you are doing this because you feel it is best for him.

 

You could cut down the intergration and slowly intergrate him bcak in but you will need to do that with the school's backing and would that be taking two steps back?

 

How about if you helped him write a letter to the school with all the things he has complained about and tell him that together you can make some changes.

 

I don't know what else to say but to say you know you will make the right decisions. Are the school very understanding of Kai's ASD needs because if they are they will probably wnat to help him settle back in as much as you do and will listen to what you have to say. Take care Lou <'>

[LittleRae]

Hi Loulou

It's a tough one but 'steel your heart' as they say. I remember how hard it was to increase his days in the first place. and the rewards reaped by both of you when it worked so well. You've received good advice here. After the holidays is always a bad time. Take each of his 'grievances' and see how you both (and the school) can work to solve them. If necessary go back part week, if you think he will be amenable to increasing it.

 

I like the idea of school who start back on a wednesday/thursday, as it breaks the kids (and mums!) in gently. Could he start on a thursday, do friday and come home until the Tuesday? That way he has 2 days one week, 4 the next (and only 3 to sleep over), and by then hopefully he'll be happy to stay.

 

Look at the long-term gains/losses if you change his schedule. You need the break yourself and Kai will benefit in the long run with independence, etc.

 

Also remember, these things are not written in stone. Break him in gently with a view to full time. In 3-6 months if it's really not working, then re-visit it.

 

Good luck