Making Friends

[Tally]

I need to make some friends locally to me, who I can see regularly and go out with. It's not fair that all the burden is on my mum. She is the only friend I have really, but she must find it frustrating when she is too far away to actually be here and do something. And she's not my friend, she's my mum, and I can't really have a laugh with her like I could with a friend.

 

I have 2 friends from school who live near my mum and dad, and another in London, so I can't see them very often.

 

I used to have some friends, in my previous job. Not loads, but enough. I remember because I used to go to break with the same person and we would laugh a lot. we went to the Christmas party together and though it was hard work, I enjoyed it because I had someone with me. I even got in on the managers' Christmas party one year and enjoyed that, even though I was not a manager like every other person at the party. Someone at work is having a party and I got invited. I told him I didn't want to go, which I realise now probably sounded really nasty, but what I mean is that I don't even have a friend I could take with me to talk to, and I can't go without a friend and know that there will be people I know from work I can talk to when I get there, because I haven't made any friends at work.

 

Something has changed so I can't make friends at all any more, something other than the autism, because I used to be able to make one or two friends. I don't know if it's something wrong with me or if it's to do with rumours the ex has put about, or if they have even heard the rumours he said he had put about. I don't even have anything interesting to talk about if I did make a friend, because I never go out. Sometimes I would like to go to the cinema with someone, or to the pub for a few drinks, or try out a new restaurant, but there is no one I can do these things with. It's hard to make a friend because most of the time I don't really want one, but sometimes I would like a friend.

 

Last night at work my manager asked me to check off a delivery while he went to say something to another driver. The delivery was Ok and the driver wanted me to sign the delivery note, but I can't because I am not authorised to sign delivery notes. He got really nasty about how easy it was to sign it and when my manager got back I gave him the note and said it was all there and the driver muttered something or other about "retarded," which I suppose isn't altogether untrue, but doesn't really have anything to do with the fact that I don't sign delivery notes.

 

I got a B in my AS Level Computing. I am rubbish at Computing. It was supposed to be something me and the ex could do together, a shared interest, but he never helped and then we separated anyway. I thought I was going to fail completely, but I worked really hard and I got a B. No one really cares because my brother did his AS Levels this year as well and he got 4 As, and 100% on some papers. That's really impressive and I'm really proud of him and pleased for him, but can't someone feel the same for me, just for a minute? I feel like nothing I do matters because I am never going to get anywhere anyway. I will never be as clever or as popular as my brother. I will never achieve the things he does, but that doesn't mean I achieve nothing because I do achieve things. I just can't think of any right now. I survived an abusive marriage and I survived getting divorced, even though some days I really did not want to survive, and now I wonder what the point of it all was when it's immediately obvious to strangers that I am stupid, the people I work with don't like me, and I am such a burden to my mum all the time.

 

It would have been my wedding anniversary the other day and the ex sent me a snide message. When will he go away?

 

I have spent the night putting out Christmas cakes, which is another time there will be parties I am too scared to attend, and the postman will be busy but no one will bother to send me any cards. But at least no one will see me crying in the cake aisle.

 

Sometimes I think I am doing a good thing for my cats, who both have a history of abuse. I see them making progress and behaving more and more like normal cats, but then they get spooked by something and go back to like they were before and I feel like I am doing everything wrong. They are basically all I have, and that's really pathetic.

 

It's a lonely old life, and I don't know how to make it better, nor if there's any point in trying.

[Mumble]

Tally <'> <'>

 

Tally - reading that, all I could think was to agree - I could have written the exact same thing - I don't work in a supermarket (used to) but the situations you describe are comparable - I suppose the only difference is that I don't have the support of my mum.

 

Parties/gatherings tec - I can't cope with these and won't go - I won't have anyone who understands me, anyone to talk to and I'll be alone in the corner blending into the wallpaper - add the snsory issues - music, smells, lights etc and they something I avoid totally. The way I deal with this though is to say, well actually I don't like parties and binge drinking and smoke and I wouldn't be happy there - probably quite a few of the people who go aren't always happy there but they pretend to be and pretend to enjoy such social occasions because that's what's expected from an NT - by not going, I am actually the one who is brave and all the rest of it because I'm willing to stand up and say, no, I'd rather not go thank you. If I said to people, right I'm going kayaking around Skye next weekend, who wants to come? and some people said no, it wasn't their thing, we wouldn't criticise them at all or think them strange for not liking the same activties as me, so why should it be any different for parties.

 

I think many people's 'friends at work' are actually little more than acquaintances who they perform the whole 'social ritual' with. If they can't accept you then they're pobably not the best acquaintences to have.

 

Something has changed so I can't make friends at all any more, something other than the autism, because I used to be able to make one or two friends. I don't know if it's something wrong with me or if it's to do with rumours the ex has put about, or if they have even heard the rumours he said he had put about. I don't even have anything interesting to talk about if I did make a friend, because I never go out. Sometimes I would like to go to the cinema with someone, or to the pub for a few drinks, or try out a new restaurant, but there is no one I can do these things with. It's hard to make a friend because most of the time I don't really want one, but sometimes I would like a friend.

This is an interesting one and I've been thinking the same thing. I did get an with two girls, vaguely, at school but more and more as I've got older I've found it harder and harder and I don't have anyone (except online people) who I would actually call a 'friend'. I've been trying to work out what's different and saying well it can't all be the autism, as you've said. I think it's this - ASD people have an emotional age of 2/3 of their chronological age so s we get older the actual age 'gap' in terms of number of years widens - when we're 12 and have an emotional age of 8 if appears less stark than supposedly being an adult, say at 24, and having an emotional age of 16. I find this doubly difficult because I get on better with older people - say in 2 years time I'm 30 and get on with a 40 year-old - not much difference between 30 and 40, but a huge difference between 20 (emotional age) and 40.

 

And then there's the other reason - people and priorities change as they grow older - the two girls I got on vaguely with at school are both married with sprogs - that's a very very different life from mine. Not being interested in a husband or having children makes me very different from the 'norm' and the gulf between me and them makes friendships difficult. I don't know your ex or what he's capable of - but I would try and say to yourself that it's unlikely to be him. As much as we would want things to stand still so that we have time to comprehend them and perhaps then be able to make friendships, society doesn't stand still - people get older, have careers, families, general 'stuff' and responsibilities change.

 

I always think that as you say I wouldn't have anything interestingto talk about if I did make a friend. Well I find your posts interesting and there's a lot in them that could be used as 'conversation' with the right people - it's about finding the right people. What I'm trying to do at the moment is get a buddy to join just one club with in an activity I would enjoy because that would give a shared interest to talk about. I don't know how much time you have around your work, but perhaps there's a cat rescue centre nearby where you could volunteer for a couple of hours a week - you would be able to talk about your interest and it may lead to having a friend - I doubt the people who do that are going to be the all-night partying type of people. Could you mum approach such a place for you if you would find it dificult?

 

And then the not really wanting a friend - that's really difficult isn't it - like you feel a responsibilitiy to have to be with the friend all the time and have regular meetings when actually all you want to do is have some time to yourself to get back to your 'normal' after work, have a cup of tea by yourself and watch trashy telly or read a book. It's almost like wanting a part-time, on your terms friend who you know won't pressure you into going out when you don't want to. I'm the same - I look at people and all their friends and part of me says 'I want that' and then I think - well actually I was planning to read so and so book tonight or work on my study and a friend would get in the way of that.

 

Last night at work my manager asked me to check off a delivery while he went to say something to another driver. The delivery was Ok and the driver wanted me to sign the delivery note, but I can't because I am not authorised to sign delivery notes. He got really nasty about how easy it was to sign it and when my manager got back I gave him the note and said it was all there and the driver muttered something or other about "retarded," which I suppose isn't altogether untrue, but doesn't really have anything to do with the fact that I don't sign delivery notes.

Ignore that stupid man. You were following the rules and doing what you have been instructed to do - you know you have done nothing wrong and the manager shouldn't have put you in that situation. It's not true that you're a retard - you, and I, have a different way of approaching the world and we need to be quite rule bound to cope with a place w essentially don't fit. Difference is not wrong.

 

I got a B in my AS Level Computing. I am rubbish at Computing. It was supposed to be something me and the ex could do together, a shared interest, but he never helped and then we separated anyway. I thought I was going to fail completely, but I worked really hard and I got a B. No one really cares because my brother did his AS Levels this year as well and he got 4 As, and 100% on some papers. That's really impressive and I'm really proud of him and pleased for him, but can't someone feel the same for me, just for a minute? I feel like nothing I do matters because I am never going to get anywhere anyway. I will never be as clever or as popular as my brother. I will never achieve the things he does, but that doesn't mean I achieve nothing because I do achieve things.

That's a difficult one too. My sister has 5 A grade A-Levels and 10 A* and 2 A grade GCSEs. I don't, but I am very very proud of what I have managed to achieve despite going through education without a diagnosis and having all sorts of unsupported difficulties. My mum has never been proud of me - I would love her to say to me, just once, 'well done' but I know it isn't going to happen, so I achieve now for myself, but it is hard. Would you be interested in doing another course - propaly difficult to fit in if working nights, but there might be some way - there are some correspondence courses so you do most of it by email - and if you did go to college it might give you a chance to have more social contacts and maybe possibly make a friend who has a similar interest to you - it doesn't have to be a course even leading to a recognised qualification - could just be an activity that you are interested in.

 

I have spent the night putting out Christmas cakes, which is another time there will be parties I am too scared to attend, and the postman will be busy but no one will bother to send me any cards. But at least no one will see me crying in the cake aisle.

Christmas is a tricky time. I was in the supermarket and saw all the christmas stuffout yesterday and it made me unhappy. My mum has cancelled christmas this year so I guess I'll be alone as I was over easter. I got 3 cards last year - one from my mum, one from my sister, and one in February from my brother. My sister thought it was funny to make a big 'thing' about needing extra string to string up all her cards - so you're not the only one. Perhaps we should have a christmas card 'list' on this forum.

 

They are basically all I have, and that's really pathetic.

That's not pathetic - who would look after them if yo didn't - I assume they might be put own. What's 'pathetic' is being a 28 year old who talks more to her stuffed frog than to real people!!! But then, so what - it makes me happy and it does no harm to anyone else.

 

I don't know how to make it better, nor if there's any point in trying.

There is a point in trying - bcause if you try at least you can't say to yourself or others can't say - you didn't try. And you never know, something good might come out of it. I thought you were great at the Greenwich meet - you certainly talked more and seemed more comfortable than I did - although I know you've met some people before and may be better at acting 'ok'. I can't remember where you said you live, but it you want a part-time friend fo rhte occasional meetup I would gladly fulfil that role - we would be doing each other a favour

[smiley]

Tally <'>

You sound very unhappy at the moment - not surprising considering what you've been through with you ex recently. <'> I know it's normally difficult to speak to other people, but you said is it worse now? I find conversation difficult with people i don't know, but almost impossible with anyone when i'm feeling low.

<'> <'>

[Bagpuss]

Tally <'> I've met you...twice...and your lovely! If it's any consolation, I don't like parties where I won't know anyone...infact I have developed a large number of excuses to miss my DH's works Xmas do's year after year. We've been married 17 years, and I've yet to go to one....infact he's stopped asking! It would be my idea of hell. I have a handful of "good" friends, most of whom live nowhere near me. I think what you've achieved lately is wonderful. You've come thru a separation and divorce. You've been to forum meet up's....one of which you were by yourself (believe me, I'd never of been brave enough!). You've sorted out all the workmen for your house too. Been away on hols. Don't feel everyone else is having a better time of it than you, has more friends, feels more contented, has a better social life, feels more loved and appreciated.....that is just what most peeps portray, and the reality of their lives if often very different. I'm on MSN if ever you fancy a chat. Take care <'>

[Tally]

Perhaps we should have a christmas card 'list' on this forum.

 

I was thinking of masterminding one of them, but I thought people might throw things at me if I mentioned it this early!

[Mumble]

I was thinking of masterminding one of them, but I thought people might throw things at me if I mentioned it this early!

Like bricks? I throw them - it's an AS trait.

[Kathryn]

I was thinking of masterminding one of them, but I thought people might throw things at me if I mentioned it this early!

 

Do it, but not just yet please! I saw chocolate Santas in the shops today.

 

Tally, I will never tick enough boxes for a full dx but I really struggle with this "making friends" thing.

 

Can't really add to the excellent stuff others have said, but <'> <'> for you.

 

K x

[Bagpuss]

Ooooh, I love a list's nearly as much as I love Christmas Can we make one now? Can we...can we...can we

 

 

I have my Crimbo cards

 

 

Got a really cute piccie of a leetle girlie on the front, proudly holding her new dolly...... "Jane was so pleased to get divorced Barbie for Christmas, especially as it came with Ken's car, Ken's house and Ken's money"

[Tally]

I write my Christmas cards in October because work goes nuts from mid November onwards, although I don't actually post them until December! I must have overestimated at some point how many cards I might be able to send, because I have way too many.

 

I have had some nice PMs and I can't get it together to reply to them, but I do want to say THANK YOU to the people who sent me PMs because I did appreciate them. My brain is just not cooperating today. Or yesterday. Or probably tomorrow either. I've just realised I haven't eaten anything since breakfast, so I am going to eat a pizza and go to bed, where I will probably be joined by my cat, who is a bit whiffy because he can't wash himself properly any more and I can't be bothered today.

 

I'm thinking about giving up and going back to live with my parents. I don't feel like I am coping any more with working and just life in general.

[Bagpuss]

Take care Tally <'>

[Tally]

I've found an aspie on a cat forum I visit who lives in Taunton. I asked her if she fancies coming round to meet Mr Cat and Mitzi, but I don't want to scare her away (or for my cats to scare her away, they are a bit scary sometimes).

[bid]

Oh Tally, friendship is such a difficult area for us, isn't it <'> <'>

 

For all of my life I desperately wanted a 'best friend' and all the things that go with that, especially when I was around your age (sorry, I don't mean that to sound patronising ).

 

Now that I'm ancient I feel happier recognising and accepting my own abilities and boundaries.

 

I'm lucky in that I get social interaction at work as I am 'friendly' with my colleagues...which isn't the same as having a 'best friend' but is enough for me. This includes 3 or 4 social events per year, which again is enough for me. I also prefer knowing people online, too. This probably wouldn't be right for the majority of people, but it works for me.

 

I'm not sure whether I have sort of 'grown into' my own abilities when it comes to friendship, or whether it is a more negative thing as I also know I don't want to get hurt anymore so I would rather live inside my head on my own now.

 

I hope you find a friendship balance that is right and comfortable for you <'>

 

Good luck with the cat-loving Aspie!

 

Bidx

Edited September 26, 2007 by bid

[bikergal]

Hang in there, Tally <'> Feel rather isolated, friendless and alone myself at the moment...but I have my kids and all of my animals to be here for.That's enough to keep me going! Not sure what to suggest but relating to others how you are feeling is a good move. Take care <'>