postgrad studies making me realise things

[allsetuk]

Hello

i normally post on here on topic of my son (aged 5) As and Adhd...but I have had my suspicions about myself for quite a long time but my family always just said i was a wierdo, loner, eccentric, hyper, memory like an elephant..i could go on......so after much deliberation and contemplation ive decided i need to start on the long road to diagnosis by making a double appt at my docs next week and ive also just started a MA and its incredibly intense and im struggling.

 

The reason I accepted this place on the MA is becuase i was told there was bursuries avail for like 75 % of the course fees and 2000 pounds to living costs (which i have to use to pay my sons childcare fees as at the moment i am using his disabilty) and this is what attracted me , they were adament that "i fit the criteria" being a lone parent disabilities etc......Now we are 4 weeks in to the studies and its costing me 100 a week in travel costs and im really struggling to survive......ive been told that on paper i look like i have enough money as my sons disability Living allowance boosts my income ....and that 5 people have been promised the bursury and that there is in fact only 2 not 8 like i was originally told when i signed up so now we are in competition for them...I feel like ive been totally lied to and its making my brain go into mini meltdown..as the stress and worry is overtaking my enjoyment of the course...i spoke to the finance lady yesterday and she said that we had been watched for the past couple of weeks and would be having academic interviews to see who finally gets the bursuries.(we were effectivly told it goes on personality not on talent..when the people who provide the bursarys say it is for underrepresented areas of the population, disabilities and ethnic minorities) the thing is to even get on this course we had to submit 70 pages of original work and ideas for tv and film and i was accepted straight away...now it feels like what was the point.

 

We are studying screenwriting and we had to write and film, act and direct in a mini movie just to see how the narrative translates to screen. I found the whole process really stressful..so much so i had a mini crack up by friday ....i felt like i wanted to rip my skin off as i had to act really close to other people that i had only just met and i either laughed so much to hide my nerves or to prevent me crying ..but i felt so freaked out just having like 5 people watching me do it..id already had to spend the week reading out parts of my work and that was frightening .......i felt so out of control, i cried all the way home....the next day when it was all over i cried all afternoon and evening ...my son was like what have i done , im a rubbish boy and i couldnt get him to understand it wasnt him which made me feel all the worse......i know there is a few people doing postgrad stuff and wondered if they had any clues

xx

[pearl]

Wow, you've a lot going on in your life at the mo.

I havent any advice, just a <'> for you.

Hope you get your funding & your dx sorted.

[bid]

Do you have some kind of personal tutor at college to whom you could talk?

 

You sound under so much pressure, hun <'>

 

I hope you manage to get things sorted out.

 

Bid

[Mumble]

If the bursery doesn't work out, have you thought about applying to the Access to Learning Fund - your welfare advisor would be able to help you with it. And of course if you did have an AS diagnosis you could also apply for the Disabled Student's Allowance.

[allsetuk]

hello thanks for the help...ive kind of reached pop point, where everything seems so huge i cant seem to make any progress anywhere and my brain kind of stops ....im hoping to see the finance people today and i had to cancel my doc appointment till my son goes back to school , i cant talk openly to the doc with my son in the room ...and he is on half term...i thought disabled students allowance was just to help with employing someone to wright for you and things ?

[Mumble]

Hope it goes well with the finance people. I don't know where you are or what uni you're at but many have various additional funds/grants that can be claimed for various things that although small add up quite substantially (principle's fund etc.).

 

The disabled student's allowance is only for equipment and support, but these are defined quite brodly and the AoN report that is done as part of it will make recommendations to the uni that might help you. I picked this part out of your original post:

 

I found the whole process really stressful..so much so i had a mini crack up by friday ....i felt like i wanted to rip my skin off as i had to act really close to other people that i had only just met and i either laughed so much to hide my nerves or to prevent me crying ..but i felt so freaked out just having like 5 people watching me do it..id already had to spend the week reading out parts of my work and that was frightening .......i felt so out of control, i cried all the way home

You could be recommended to have alternative assessments, support with these, etc. Feeling more in control of such situations would make you feel more in control generally.

 

I felt really guilty when I got my computer equipment etc as part of my DSA - I felt I had an unfair advantage over others - but slowly I'm realising that actually I struggle considerably with things that should be 'simple' and that I'm not being supported in, so anything that makes anything a bit easier has to be of benefit.

[allsetuk]

i have noticed i have to be majorly in control of everything all the time or else i just cant think straight ...thanks for the tips, i will look into it ...had a meeting this week with finance and applied to access to learning. They seemed quite negative saying hardly anyone gets help . they suggested i file a grievance about the fact i was told the bursary was guranteed and wasnt told over the summer that the bursaries on offer had reduced from 8 to two.....luckily im not the only one who was told that

[Kinda]

Hi Allestuk

 

It may help if you try to separate the issues out, namely the finance issues, the studying, and the issues surrounding how you feel under certain circumstances. I think you need to get help from the university regarding these issues and your course tutor and personal tutor should help you with this. Have they arranged a mentor for you who will help you with all of this.

 

It may help if you can agree a plan with the university and your mentor can help explain how you feel and help with any communication problems. Hope I haven't overstepped the mark with my advice and been too pushy but I had to help my son with similar problems when he was at university and he felt all his energy was going into assignments etc and he didn't have the energy to deal with the tutors etc.