A different interpretation....

[Clare63]

At yesterdays meeting with the SENCO we discussed some of the situations my son had expereinced at school and how he felt about them. I had previously raised these in the school/home book along the lines of stating what he said had happened and asking the senco to remind the teacher in question of his difficulties and perhaps suggesting a different way it could have be handled.

 

I have no reason to doubt my son, especially when he is able to back up what has happened, for example being told to pick up a receptacle from a bunsion burner and droping it because it was hot and the teacher told him off for making a fuss, when he quite clearly had a blister from the burn !

Anyway the senco said that his interpretation of events was often very different to that of what actually happened (or so the teacher/s in question have said) and I asked whether she thought he was lying, she said no but perhaps the AS made him see things differently and that made him exaggerate the truth.

 

Has anyone else had this ?

 

And surely even if she feels its an exaggeration, maybe its not to my son and because of how he sees and feels things that's how it was ? som surely this should not make any difference and his concerns should still be addressed ? she seemed to imply that I ignore or take with a pinch of salt what he says ?

 

Clare x x x

[scrappyb]

Yes! we've had this before. Quite often, when something happened the school would see it their way and my son would see it another. I would often ask them to please try to see it from his point of view and then his behaviour/etc might make some sense, not only that, but they would be more likely to find a solution to the problem. Unfortunately that school refused to even try so we didnt do well there.

[KarenT]

Yes, Clare, but perhaps not the same as with your son's school, who at least seem to be trying to understand.

 

At J's old primary school (he moved to a new one in Sept) communication was dire, and they'd never tell us of incidents that had involved J, sometimes quite serious ones too. No home-school book as it was too much effort, despite countless requests. There were several times J would come home upset and I'd gradually pick away till I found out what had happened, but whenever I approached school they'd say "Well that's not how I understand it" and the implication was always that J had misunderstood the situation, was refusing to admit that 'he'd started it' or that he had a warped sense of reality - I almost considered going back to Child and Family for further assessment as I was so worried. I went through a period of not believing him, which pains me now. Then I started to have doubts because his accounts were always so full of detail and eventually I was able to corroborate them by talking to other children who'd witnessed the events. It turned out that school were simply covering up for themselves for not keeping me informed, and because they didn't want to accept J's difficulties as doing so would mean they'd have to change their practices to meet his needs. I could waffle for hours about how abusive that place was for him but it's in the past now so I won't. He's in a much better school now and we've moved on.

 

Sorry, don't suppose that helps at all.

 

Karen

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[Clare63]

Thanks karen, yes that has helped and thank you for taking the time to reply and perhaps dragging up what had obviuosly been very painful for you and your child. This is how I see it, but wanted others views, yes our school does seem to be doing all the right things on the surface but I am not convinced its actually forthcoming during the school day.

 

Thanks also Scrappy, think I will ask them to try and see it from his point of view rather than just ruloing out what he thinks/understand.

 

Clare x x x

[puffin]

My experience is that schools frequently forget to inform and train staff about the way that careless language can afect our kids. Often there are unspoken assumptions in the language used, for example that when you pick up the test tube you should wait until it cools down, or that the child should realise that the rules for situation X should also apply/no apply to situation Y. But unless the teacher makes this clear in what they say then our children cannot pick out the *implicit* assumptions that lie behind what is said.

[KarenT]

Hi Clare

 

I should also add that J's HT at the old school would generalise about how 'children can always see what other people have done wrong but they can never see their own contribution', assuming that J was the same. However, I'd worked a lot with him on Scales Of Justice and encouraged him to work through events so that we got an accurate account of what had happened. Because I'd done this non-judgementally he was able to admit to things like ".. and that was when I pushed her into the coat pegs", knowing that he wouldn't be punished further for it but instead we'd discuss how he might have done things differently. The HT couldn't accept this as it went against her general view of how 'most' children behave in such circumstances.

 

The HT would say "I never get that much detail from J", but it was clear that she didn't spend the amount of time that I did on trying to get to the bottom of things. That I can understand because it would sometimes take us hours to work a situation through, but to suggest that J had a loose grip on reality just because she hadn't time to find out the full picture was unfair and unrealistic.

 

Perhaps you need to make it clear to the school that you have strong reason to believe that your son is not only telling the truth but has an accurate perception of events, so that they don't make the mistake of assuming he doesn't.

 

I hope you get to the bottom of this, but I expect it will depend on the level of communication you have between home and school.

 

Karen

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[Mumble]

And surely even if she feels its an exaggeration, maybe its not to my son and because of how he sees and feels things that's how it was ? som surely this should not make any difference and his concerns should still be addressed ?

I think this is the key point. I think we (AS individuals) can interpret situaton/experience situations differently from the 'norm' (whatever you judge that against). It is well known thatwe have different sensory perceptions and so our judgement will be different, but that doesn't mean we are lying or exagerating: we are telling it as best we can as it is for us which is very difficult when others don't experience the same and feel we are making things up. This is one area where diagnosis and reading have helped me enormously to understand myself. I was fed up of constantly being told through school and by my parents that I was a liar when I knew I wasn't. For instance, if someone playfully hit me, this can feel like a punch to me. So while I would misunderstand the intention and report the feeling saying soandso punched me, someone witnessing the situation would say don't be silly they were just playing. Similarly I have always had terrible problems with volume of sound. To me it always soundsas if people are shouting even if they are actually speaking quietly. So I might say "Mr. soandso shouted at me for . . ." whereas an NT interpretation might be that he didn't shout or only raised his voice slightly.

 

Having this understanding has helped me enourmously and it is still an understanding I am developing. I can now often, when I'm disturbed by people's 'shouting' (talking) put head phones on etc - this has only been a really recent development for me though. Before I would have got stressed about the noise as my interpretation would be that the people were shouting at me.

 

So, in answer to your question - they're both 'right' because they're reporting from their own perspective, but the school are also 'wrong' in that they are not understanding that your son perceives differently. What they should be helping him to do is understand different perceptions rather than chastise him for experiencing the world differently.

[Clare63]

I think this is the key point. I think we (AS individuals) can interpret situaton/experience situations differently from the 'norm' (whatever you judge that against). It is well known thatwe have different sensory perceptions and so our judgement will be different, but that doesn't mean we are lying or exagerating: we are telling it as best we can as it is for us which is very difficult when others don't experience the same and feel we are making things up. This is one area where diagnosis and reading have helped me enormously to understand myself. I was fed up of constantly being told through school and by my parents that I was a liar when I knew I wasn't. For instance, if someone playfully hit me, this can feel like a punch to me. So while I would misunderstand the intention and report the feeling saying soandso punched me, someone witnessing the situation would say don't be silly they were just playing. Similarly I have always had terrible problems with volume of sound. To me it always soundsas if people are shouting even if they are actually speaking quietly. So I might say "Mr. soandso shouted at me for . . ." whereas an NT interpretation might be that he didn't shout or only raised his voice slightly.

 

Having this understanding has helped me enourmously and it is still an understanding I am developing. I can now often, when I'm disturbed by people's 'shouting' (talking) put head phones on etc - this has only been a really recent development for me though. Before I would have got stressed about the noise as my interpretation would be that the people were shouting at me.

 

So, in answer to your question - they're both 'right' because they're reporting from their own perspective, but the school are also 'wrong' in that they are not understanding that your son perceives differently. What they should be helping him to do is understand different perceptions rather than chastise him for experiencing the world differently.

 

Thanks Mumble,

A perfect answer according to Connor, its so good to be able to share this information with him, he says finally someone understands me. The teacher shouting bit is a regular occurance and often thinks when someone else is being told off they mean him too !

Thanks for your help.

Clare x x x