wanting to play fight all the time

[keepingmesane]

hi all

my asd son is really into rough playing and loves running and crashing into people and also doing flying kicks and punches (oh and sword fights with anything he can swing about). i presume he is learning it from other children at nursery or softplay as we dont have tv here except for specific dvds which i know dont have that kind of play fighting happening in them, though im sure there must be some that i just dont notice.

 

we do try to calm him down when he is in one of these hyper moods as he doesnt understand that it hurts people, especially his 3 siblings as they are all smaller than him

in general im understanding of it as i know he is just excited and full of energy but its got me wondering if maybe i should have something or somewhere that he can do he 'fighting' like a punch dummy or soft area, but im not sure if thats encouraging him to do more... if you see what i mean. i was thinking it could be therapuetic for him but dont want to make trouble for myself later

 

so thought id ask for thoughts and ideas from others who may have been or are going through it at the moment

 

thanks in advance

[pearl]

We got JP a punchbag a couple of years ago - he loves it, & wet days when he's cooped up & like a caged lion, he goes & lets off steam on it. Next did a very reasonably priced one in the toys for men section, you fill the base with sand & it doesnt take up too much room.

[rach04]

we have a punch bag too only a small one. failing that we take him to the park and let him run it off.

 

Just to say toys r us do a reasonably priced one too

Edited November 11, 2007 by rach04

[JsMum]

I think in our case J cant not differenciate fantacy to realality, so it is very confusing for them to understand the real consequences of there actions, for example a lash with his sword will cause substantial injury but in the film its all acted and special effects so no real consequences for the actor, its difficult for the child to understand the work that has gone into a film, stunts, martial arts and support team from emergancy teams incase there is subseqent injury as everything will come with risks, what children dont see is what goes on behind the act.

 

A lot of films encourage fighting, conflict, heros, rescue and capture, they will be an elliment of fighting in everyday films, especially the more special effect films that are more available now even in young viewers films.

 

It is unaviodable but you are doing a lot already to reduce that with limited viewing and no violent video games.

 

Boys have an inbuilt instincts to fight and to protect, it goes back years ago, and watch any cub pack its all about play fighting, so in some ways it is nature, and most siblings will know when to stop, but for some children they dont have that, especially for those who get a lot of stimulation from it, add in using that extra energy they may have on top of sensory issues like not feeling pain ect.... under responsive reactions to pain.

 

A lot of playfighting for J is a combination of these, J has had to do a lot of work on Anger and Release work, over time we have come up with our own method that helps us, I can not really encourage playfighting with other children as the game becomes a possible trigger to a complete loss of self control, so I do redirect to another more safe game.

 

I do have things to help J release though and some here have already expressed how good a punch bag is, we have a free standing punch bag and its one that can be kicked and punched from a website that caters for martial arts equipment, the one J has is specially adapted for children and has numbers on for direct targets, this in my mind has really helped give J a direct place to get his energy out, we have punch pads, and kick pads too, as well as other things to get in the near future that is a standing kick stand.

 

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J has a tumble tube too to throw around and to wrestle with as this I feel is how J likes to play, its quite solid so gives him that sensory stimulation too.

 

I think that kids do need an opportunity to kick and punch but in a safe way.

 

I would look into judo, as this seems to be the best way to help them learn the consequences of there actions and has good disapline, and very energetic with lots of rough and tumble, J isnt responsible enough at the moment for this in behaviour but it is something I have researched, he also loved tykwondo but again he used the skills in loss of control periods so he can not benefit from any stucture or venue until he has learnt to control his self control first.

 

You can pm me for website where I got Js Standing punch bag.

 

I also if you have room have a trampoline, these are great for kids with excess energy.

 

I would defo re direct playfighting if it exculates to others getting hurt or even himself if he comes off worse.

 

JsMum

Edited November 11, 2007 by Karen A
Link to named shop removed due to forum rules.Karen A.

[Karen A]

Hi.Alas boys are boys.Boys of your son's age have a lot of testosterone in the system for their size.Hence the energy and rough play.I used to work in a nursery at lunch time.Even without any props that were obvious fighting props play fights and rough games just happened.

One thing that I found helped was exercise to wear Ben out-swimming,climbing or any other activity that appeals is good.Karen.

[JsMum]

Hi.Alas boys are boys.

 

The problem I had when I quoted this to parents whos children where comforting a ###### nose or a red cheek, it wasnt good enough in there eyes, and they made me feel really guilty so now I encourage J into activity play, I discourage J in playfights with other children now and some mums will say its ok until someone gets injured.

 

I think if you are aware that your child could cause injury even in a play fight then it is best to redirect it.

 

JsMum

[baddad]

Hi all -

 

often our kids can be intensely physical - this kind of rough play can sometimes be the only kind of physical contact they can handle, paradoxically enough...

I think it is very important to enable this kind of play, but from the outset we have to provide boundaries for our kids because often this is the one part of 'social' horseplay our kids don't get. As someone said, boys will be boys, but our boys can be more boy than the other boys want them to be, and invariably the judgements that are made are very negative when that happens.

In adults, there are two recognised psychological 'types' - over controlled and undercontrolled. The former very rarely engage in physical aggression, and as a consequence when they do 'go' they have no experience of the normal boundaries and have no control/understanding of their actions. Undercontrolled people, on the other hand, are agressive often, and very rarely go 'further' than they want to... they might have very extreme views about how far is 'acceptable' (think of i.e. football hooligans), but they are very rarely 'out of control' in relation to those learnt boundaries.

Because our kids tend to learn socialisation skills, empathy, 'theory of mind' etc later than other children they can present as a mix of both - regularly aggressive because they 'like it' (in a physical feedback sense - not an 'enjoying hurting others' sense), but with no understanding of the boundaries and the implications because they lack the conceptual awareness/empathy skills that trigger that understanding.

I agree with J's mum, that redirection is an absolute must until our kids achieve the higher understanding that enables them to act with controlled aggression.

On the upside, it is my experience that when our kids DO understand these things the personal boundaries they set themselves are usually far more black and white than is generally the case.

 

L&P

 

BD

[Karen A]

Hi.Alas boys are boys.

 

The problem I had when I quoted this to parents whos children where comforting a ###### nose or a red cheek, it wasnt good enough in there eyes, and they made me feel really guilty so now I encourage J into activity play, I discourage J in playfights with other children now and some mums will say its ok until someone gets injured.

 

I think if you are aware that your child could cause injury even in a play fight then it is best to redirect it.

 

JsMum

 

Hi having looked at my last post again I realise it was miss-leading and I need to clarify what I wrote.

Whilst boys do engage in frantic activity and can become involved in rough play I would never not re-direct it promptly.

If the play resulted in a child being hurt then a parent would be right to be very unhappy indeed.

Rushing around and punching or kicking the air is fine-but not any contact.

I would never feel that a child hurting another in play can be treated lightly.It is too difficult to distinguish between rough play and bullying.

Sorry if I was not clear.Karen.