Scared!!!!

[purplegail]

Hi ALL

 

I never seem to have time to post much, and when I do it seems to be when I am desperate!!! So, apologies first but this site has never done anything but make me feel better about life.

 

I'll try to keep it short!!

 

On many occassions when my daughter was younger I approached social services for help - main time was when I was barricaded in my eldest son's room with youngest, the dog and a telephone whilst my AS daughter was scratching the door with a carving knife threatening to kill us!!!!!

 

'' unfortunately there was nothing they could do''!!! standard answer on several occassions. Their only advice was to phone the police.

 

I actually did this one evening last year after she threw curry all over the house and punched me in the head (can't remember why but was likely to be a lack of ketchup or something similar!!!)

They were lovely but couldn't understand what they were expected to do since putting an emotionall disturbed child in a cell was hardly likely to be a positive move. They did say they would see that the appropriate services were alerted and I should get some help but............. nothing!!!!!!

 

Meanwhile, problems with my ex have caused endless tantrums / meltdowns - basically he will do/say anything to the kids to vent his anger at me wether he is hurting them emotionally or not. My daughter sees him for a couple of hours once every 2 weeks and comes back with enough venom to disrupt our lives for weeks - he tells her I've stolen all his money, he tells her we would still be a family if it was up to him, when she had a major meltdown because there was a hair in her tea (I had obviously put it there on purpose!!!!!!!!) he told her that I obviously was too busy with my own life to be bothered making her a nice tea!!! He tells her he will ring social services if I hurt her again - neglecting to remember how violent she was when he was at home 3 years ago and realising she is now 16 and bigger than me!!!! He never asks why she was attacking me???

 

I enlisted CAMHS ''help''!!!!! to try some kind of family mediation to help him see that hurting me hurts my daughter. She cannot handle her emotions at the best of times and his anger only makes her worse. She needs a good relationship with me to help me to help her cope with life. But all he wanted to do was blame and the phsycologist decided that THE CHILDRENS EMOTIONAL WELFARE WAS AT RISK AND HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO ASK SOCIAL SERVICES TO BECOME INVOLVED!!! hE TOLD ME THIS JUST BEFORE cHRISTMAS i HAVE NEITHER SLEPT OR HEARD ANYTHING FURTHER FROM ANYONE!!!

 

My fear is that despite doing nothing when ''begged'' by myself, they will now wade in and be nothing but destructive to my family!!!! When I was attacked by her last night and my 10 year old jumped on her and tried to restrain her I couldn't help but worry that they will insist on removing him from the home for his own safety!!!!

 

I have pleaded for help since she was diagnosed and feel like is all I have achieved.

 

Tried to keep it short - sorry.Just not sure how I get out of bed on days like this

 

Gail

[loobylou2]

<'> Don't know what to say that would help but sending you a big hug <'> and hope things work out for you <'>

[Nic m]

Hi purplegail,

i will try to give you some comfort without hijacking your thread. i found myself in a similar situation last year, although nothing to do with my dd's dad.

the OT and headteacher at her last school decided as they could not see my dd's difficulties ,they did not exist and referred me to ss as a potentially fictitious parent. this was in june last year a meeting was held without my knowledge and the decision was to assess the family.

thankfully ss found no concerns they were also reasonably sensitive (i say reasonably because i am still disgusted that it happened in the first place).

SS have to investigate if they receive a complaint so try to not see them immediately as the baddie but do communicate as much as possible in writing try to have someone with you when speaking with them and remember to breathe before answering their questions.

Try and see if there are any local carers groups in your area that can help, and good luck.

oh ps, my friends favourite saying is 'the truth will out' so even if it takes a while you will get there. lets just say the people who started the ball rolling in my case may find not as many people believe what they say now as when i got to the next meeting and produced evidence from very highly qualified and respected doctors they did not look so smug then.

Take care and you will get through this. Oh, and your situation may not even get to this stage they may visit and find things as you say and that will be that or you never know they may offer support.

 

nic

[Cat]

I enlisted CAMHS ''help''!!!!! to try some kind of family mediation to help him see that hurting me hurts my daughter. She cannot handle her emotions at the best of times and his anger only makes her worse. She needs a good relationship with me to help me to help her cope with life.

 

I am trying to find the positives here for you. 'You' went to CAMHS and 'you' asked for mediation because 'you' were concerned about the damage that Dad was doing to your daughter and her emotions. Is it possible that CAMHS might just from this feel that it is because of Dad that the emotional welfare of your daughter is at risk? I know that it is seldom that simple but if you have told them what you have posted here then it would be the right conclusion because I would say that Dad is playing havoc with your life here and it needs sorting.

 

I would see if you have a local Carers/Support Group, you can find them via the net, and I would go and see if they can help you here. If I were you I would want to know if the phsycologist who said what he did to you before Chritsmas was in any way pointing the finger in your direction. I think you need someone to advocat for your here and to help to put your mind at rest. Emotional abuse is a big issue these days but you are not in the business of abusing your daughter you are trying to get it stopped.

 

Please find someone to help and support you. My gut says that if this was a BIG issue you would have heard something from someone by now.

 

Cat

[llisa32]

Hiya - sorry you're having such a hard time <'>

 

If I read what you have written as an 'outsider' I would say that is anyone needs to be losing sleep and fretting, it should be your ex.

 

His behaviour is completely and absolutely out of order

 

I think you have a case for stopping access unless he promises to act like a mature grown up rather than a kid thats lost his dummy. His behaviour may hurt you - but it hurts your daughter first...she must be so confused hearing him say all this stuff, and hence you then get the fall out.

 

I think these are the points you need to make to SS in a calm and 'neutral' tone. You have tried to get mediation, he's obviously not interested and it's him that is causing this diusruption...not you not coping....

 

Your daughter has way too much being said to her, which is probably really difficult for her to make sense off - hence the meltdowns and rages etc.

 

If he can't act like a mature grown up then his access should be suspended

 

Is there any chance you can get Cahms to put it on record that you requested mediation etc?

 

I'm sorry if this all sounds harsh re your ex but when adults 'use' kids as a way in their own minds to 'get back' at other grown ups it totally makes me mad.

 

Hopefully SS will prove helpful to you in this situation - you've done nothing wrong, and if your ex wasn't being a selfish idiot your daughters behaviour would not be so disruptive. Keep notes of every conversation that you get wind off, and see what Cahms might put in writing to you.

 

Good luck, and keep being a good mum <'>

[Enid]

[quote name='llisa32' date='Jan 11 2008, 11:51 AM' p

 

 

Hi

am in similar situation to you as had to ring police over the xmas hols for 1st time as my 11yr old had 3 violent and terryifying episodes, 1 nearly exactly same as your bedroom incident! He has aways been fine before at home. He is adhd asd. SS have become involved and took him to respite for an assessment as he had threatened younger children who happily told ss! I can take him hme at anytime and am desparate to as he is also desparate to be back but he has been very violent to staff and ss said if he attacks my other children they could get a court odrer to remove him! Wish Ihad struggled on an not asked for help. The police did take my 11yr old that night it took 3 of them!!!!

 

I know this wont help you but am also scared.

[spectrummum]

she sounds like me many years ago hun

i was very violent to myself and others.

There may not be a reaso for the outbursts i just used to blow for nothing at all.

its an overwhelming urge

sometimes it was the reaction of some and other times it was the power i had when i did it.

being in control was huge for me and whenever i felt i was not i would snap.

there are medications tht can control her moods to a point

im sorry you are going through this

shellxxx