refusing to go out

[keepingmesane]

in the last couple of weeks kieran has been refusing to go to things that he previously enjoyed as he wanted "to stay home and play my games" he has always had times that he didnt want to go to things and only occasionally could i not get him to go, he would usually eventually agree to go with a bit of a huff. but this is new, he is really against going out and gets very very upset if we push it.

i know his obsession for his games is taking over but im at a loss as to what to do.

its the one thing he loves to do, he doesnt really play with toys, he will read and occasionally do some jigsaws. i dont see how i can remove the games (as my parents would like me to do as they dont like video games) we have been restricting the games to a couple of short periods in the day but its still the same, not wanting to go out. he uses his games as the excuse but im not entirely sure that is why sometimes, its as though sometimes he just wants to stay in his own comfort zone as he cant face other things, but i dont want this to become a permanent thing. he only settles at my parents for more than a day if they let him on the childrens websites and even had to set up a playstation to calm him at one point

Today was the final straw for me and i feel really upset about it. My parents were collecting kieran and jasmine today to take them up to see my sister in scotland for the weekend. kieran refused to go and said to take isaac instead, as he wanted to stay at home with his games. we tried all the normal tricks that would normally work to get him to go, even telling him there would be no games here for him but he just didnt want to go.

I know i could try and force him to go to things, but i dont feel right doing that as it just distresses him (to say the least) and makes the whole time a nightmare.

 

He is a smart little boy but still only 4 1/2 so understanding and bargaining is limited. i dont feel right making him do certain things, like going away for the weekend, if he doesnt want to

 

Am i doing things wrong? i feel as though everyone is looking at me as a weak mum and just giving in to everything, but i just dont want to battle everything with him. we've tried portable gaming, but that only has limited success. i feel like i have really let him down but at the same time i know exactly how he feels as i was, and still feel, the same.

 

sorry for the confusing post, i just know i am going to have my family on my back about his obsession taking over and i just dont know what i should do about it, it isnt as easy as just removing it from him and not let him play games ever again.

[lynyona]

Hi

 

This is going to be no help to you whatsoever....my kieran is 22 and he is exactly the same he will not leave the house unless its on his terms if he fancys a trip into town on pay day but again that is getting less and less frequent he also like your kieran lives for his games either his xbox 360 or his ps3 we tried taking things away to coax him into doing something else like going out but it didnt bother him in the slightest he just found something else to do watch a dvd etc and you cant remove everything.Ive got to the point where i dont try anymore causes to many uneccesary meltdown so he is quite happy within his four walls but it does make family visiting etc a bit hard but having tow brothers at home there is always someone to leave him with.Someone may have some ideas especially with your kieran being so young as the saying cant teach an old dog new tricks springs to mind with kieran and especially as he wasnt diagnosed untill he was nearly 18.Hope someone as got some advice for you but we just plod along wrong be it or not what kieran says kieran does or doesnt do.

[Enid]

blimy! I thought you were talking about 14and a half!!! my advice is to get tough now while he is still portable!!!! cos once he`s a big strong teen you wont have a chance! I agree prehaps tricky if away for weekend without you as could have ruined it for the others, but if you are going out just insist he goes, while you still can!!!!!! good luck Enid

[BuntyB]

blimy! I thought you were talking about 14and a half!!! my advice is to get tough now while he is still portable!!!! cos once he`s a big strong teen you wont have a chance! I agree prehaps tricky if away for weekend without you as could have ruined it for the others, but if you are going out just insist he goes, while you still can!!!!!! good luck Enid

 

This might sound like the softies version, but we can get my daughter out and about if there is something to distract her in teh car. In her case it's a new book, but would a portable games console, game boy, ds or psp just for journey's out do the trick?

[MichelleW]

I know how you feel - I have 2 that are like that. I have also seen a clinical psychologist regarding youngest ones behaviour. The psych only recommended what I already do - and that is compromise. i.e. we wil do this first then you can play playstation or watch tv when we get back.

 

I also find I have to count down - like telling the oldest one in the morning that something is going to happen in the afternon, then again an hour or two before,then again and again, until we are due to go. Wih my 3 year old, I can't do that. Like Friday I said we are going to the beach then dinner - but he wanted to go straight away.

 

Another tool that helps with younger ones is a "now, next and later" visual time table. My DS2 can not comprehend more than 3 things in sequence. So it would be a picture of the car to indicate we are going out, a picture of the place we are going, then a picture of car again to indicate going home. As one event happens, take it off and move the others along etc.

 

I'm till in the process of taking photos of everything we do and go, and laminating them. I then cut them up and bluetack them on to a laminated sheet.

 

I know it is tough when they don't want to go out (or in my case one does and the other doesn't). I wanted to do a beach treck this morning before it got hot - neither wanted to go. So I let them stay at home as we went to beach and out to dinner on Friday, and out to our weekly autistic support group club yesterday evening.

 

Bribary also helps - I got my 7 year old this morning by saying he could play when he got home - the 3 year old by saying he could have a packet of sweets. I managed to get to recycle centre and garden centre with minimum fuss! That was until he (3 year old) saw Tesco and remembered they do toy cars, then another shop that does toy trains (his obsessions!)

 

I have compromised with my 7 year old over the years, and he is relatively easy to talk round now. It makes my life slightly easier, but I still won't make them do things I know they don't enjoy (like shopping!)

 

I don't want to be having to deal with two big teenagers that won't go out at all - and by helping them cope with going out at a young age may help them long term. But helping them cope is not the same as making them do something they really don't want to do.

 

P.S. I have also bought them both a DS to help with visits to other peoples houses - it didn't really work at the time as they were fighting over the games! I ended up buying 2 of each game, and they don't really bother with them now!

Edited May 11, 2008 by MichelleW

[jb1964]

Hi Keepingmesane,

 

Can relate to what you say - although unfortunately have no answers. Our daughter has been in and out of this mode for as long as I can recall. It is difficult for my daughter (she's nearly 15) to explain why she doesn't want to go to place/event etc - although there is usually a reason it's just finding it is the hardest part.

 

Up until she was around 5'ish she would go to my parents house while we went shopping etc (now we just do everything on the internet as it's so much easier) - but since then she will only stay in our house. I think this is because her bedroom/our house is her comfort zone - she can be herself there - she does not have to be in control of her emotions and actions etc.

 

Is he in nursery - I'm assuming at 4 1/2 he'll be starting school in Sept - it's just that personally I think when my daughter started nursery or school - she was conformng and trying to fit in for 6hrs a day - so coming home was her release - and to then want to take her back out again was just too much. In the Tony Attwood video he says that if your asd child is in full-time school then its enough socialising for them unless they want more. I know each child is different etc - but it did kind of make sense for our situation.

 

Bribary, bargaining or compromise unfortunately has never got us anywhere - whereas with my little one (NT who's 5) it works wonders. My daughter too loves her computer, and ds (it used to be the ps2/xbox) - and the only thing that worked for us was rules - regular breaks and only on there after homework finished - and no later than 8.30pm - so that she can wind-down. Luckily she loves reading and drawing which could breakup the stints on the games etc.

 

Take care,

Jb

Edited June 1, 2008 by jb1964