A Tricky Situation

[Mumble]

I don't want to offend anyone with this thread but I can understand how it could be perceived as offencive - but that's at the root of the problem I'm having, so I hope people will understand.

 

My university is supposed to be putting befriending support in place for me. They have been utterly useless in finding anyone and have now turned to agencies to find people. The 'trouble' with the type of agencies for care workers that they go to in London (particularly in the area I live) is that their books are filled with African women. I am not racist and don't have any problem with people based on their colour, but I do have two specific problems: firstly the volume at which a number of these people speak and their intonation for some reasons really grates with me, gets me very agitated, and if I'm stressed already can lead towards meltdown. Secondly, a number of them have poor English and combined with their accent, I have huge problems processing what they are actually saying (I have problems with speech normally, so this makes it much harder). The thing is, I don't have these problems because these people are black - if white, pink, yellow or green people had the same accents/voice intonation/volume I would find it difficult (to the extent I can't cope with the idea of one of these people being my befriender) but how do I go about explaining this to my disability (and Equality - that's part of the problem because they deal with cultural/racial issues) department without coming across as racist which I am not - to make it harder one of my disability support officers is mixed-race so I can't work out how to explain this - I don't want it to be an attack on her or anyone else but I do need to explain the problem to stop them wasting their time and to reduce my anxiety in having to meet these people and then come up with excuses as to why they are not suitable.

[Nic m]

Mumble, i am going to work just now, but will get back to you on this.

I think you should get someone to help you write out a job description for the befriender, your input will be essential in this i would imagine.

Given that you need support for social and communication reasons i would see no problem in stating that it needs to be someone you can understand.

If it can't be worded like that you can rule someone out quite reasonably as not suitable on that basis i think?

Need to think about this, but i think having a very well thought out job description would be best.

 

i will be back tonight hopefully with a more thought out answer.

Someone may be on here who has worked in human resources and have a better understanding of this though.

 

Nic

[TheNeil]

Hmm, like you say...tricky.

 

Could this just be a case of honesty being the best policy? It probably should be but I can see why you'd be worried about it (and why you're worried that people might take it the wrong way). Maybe you'd be better off saying that, due to your hearing issues, you have trouble with accents (and just say 'accents' rather than 'certain accents' to avoid sounding as though there's any sort of misunderstood discrimination going on). Or you could play the 'blame AS' game and just repeatedly question whether the agency knows what AS is (i.e. how it affects the situation)(this is also a really valid point - do the agencies know what they're letting themselves in for by trying to befriend an Aspie?), what their track record with Aspies is and, basically, try to use that as your 'get out' clause if you think you'd find that easier.

 

You do need to get this sorted out sooner rather than later though as otherwise, as you say, they could spend time bringing in people who are, for you, just a total waste of time (but don't you dare blame yourself - if they'd actually helped you in the first place... )

 

At the end of the day though, if you're not happy with who they decide to use as your befriender (for whatever reason), it's going to get you stressed and upset (and, in worse case scenario, meltdown)...and that kind of defeats the purpose of getting a befriender in the first place

[bid]

This is really tricky, Mumble

 

I don't know what the answer is...I think Nic may be along the right lines??

 

Just to show that you're not alone, and that it can be a two-way thing...when my DS was out of school we got our third SW. He was a lovely, lovely man with a very strong Nigerian accent. He came to see me at home, and about half an hour into the meeting it became clear that I was having problems understanding his accent...and he was having just as much trouble understanding my rather 'Poshnobs' accent!! So we muddled through, and he produced a cracking, very supportive written report, but it did bring it home to me that these things can be two-way.

 

Bid <'>

[stressedmumto2]

I think you need to do what others have suggested and be honest with how much stress it causes you but just state that you have a problem understanding accents.

 

I too have a huge problem with understanding accents and it leaves me to the point of total frustration as I either lose track of what they are saying or ask them to call me back another time in the hope that someone else will call me back and i've just done exactly that this morning.

 

I just want to say I hope it all goes ok for you <'>

[Zosmum]

Don't really have any more advise but sending loads of hugs

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

Hope everything works out for you

[smiley]

I agree with Nic.

 

Writing a job description of sorts would allow you to ask specifically for what support you need, and would also give you the opportunity to explain that due to your processing, literal, social communication, etc, difficulties, it's vital that you have someone with a clear accent and a good understanding of English language, idioms, etc.

 

I wouldn't be at all offended. <'>

It's clearly not the persons appearance that is worrying you - it is, however, very important that you have someone who you can communicate freely with.

 

The disability officer who is mixed race.............. do you have difficulty understanding him / her?

[Mumble]

I think you should get someone to help you write out a job description for the befriender, your input will be essential in this i would imagine.

Given that you need support for social and communication reasons i would see no problem in stating that it needs to be someone you can understand.

If it can't be worded like that you can rule someone out quite reasonably as not suitable on that basis i think?

Need to think about this, but i think having a very well thought out job description would be best.

That seems the way to go, and since my case conference, this is something I have been requesting - two separate job descriptions; one for a befriender and one for a mentor. After many many emails from me the disability support people eventually put together one for the mentor (note they did it based on their understanding rather than consulting me as to what I wanted ) but won't do the same for a befriender (they say it doesn't need one ). I'm so much on the verge of telling them to stuff the lot of it at the moment because this has caused me so much distress - I've had to cope alone so far and maybe I'm better off that way

 

Or you could play the 'blame AS' game and just repeatedly question whether the agency knows what AS is (i.e. how it affects the situation)(this is also a really valid point - do the agencies know what they're letting themselves in for by trying to befriend an Aspie?), what their track record with Aspies is and, basically, try to use that as your 'get out' clause if you think you'd find that easier.

Aspergers? What's that then?

 

Apparently there is no-one out there who wants to be paid to be my friend (personally I don't blame them ) who knows what ASDs are. And now they can't find anyone to be my friend who doesn't know what ASDs are who is vaguely suitable. There's supposed to be 7 million people living in London - you'd think there would be one person there somewhere who would like to be paid to go for coffee and chat and do 'normal' stuff, wouldn't you

 

The disability officer who is mixed race.............. do you have difficulty understanding him / her?

Yes - plus she has another accent on top, and she's awful at constantly using metaphor etc. so I spend most the time she talks being totally baffled.

[Nic m]

Hi Mumble,

 

I have thought about this today and called my friend who does job descriptions etc for her work.

Make a job description with your essential and desirable needs for the post.

I think if you have time to put down exactly what you need, and get someone to look over it that should be fine.

If the post is specifically about helping you with your communication needs it is reasonable to expect that the person has a good understanding and grasp of your language, the accent thing if you word that the way smiley has said then that would be good.

Do you have an input in who gets the job?

When my sister was fighting to get support for my nephew and no-one was to be found the council had to agree (she is quite formidable) to her looking for someone suitable.(it may be an option for you )

 

Good luck

N x