Fried Eggs - How Do You Like Yours?

[pearl]

OK. I tried that (the not sleeping but, not the drag act bit - I don't think I have the legs for that particular career move). I nearly crashed three times on the way to work as a result but, I suppose, this is the price that I have to pay to remain sane (well, sane-ish). Sadly it doesn't seem to have worked as, seemingly everywhere I look, I see fried eggs and ironing boards (and, just for the record, I do not work for a firm that sells ironing boards and/or fried eggs)

 

 

As part of my 'stay awake' programme, I tried trawling a certain online auction site and buying every one of the damned accursed things that I could. Eventually I got an email asking me to stop as the World Trade Commision had raised concerns about me 'cornering the market' (there was also some gibberish about worries over the world coming to an end due to crinkled shirts or something and, if I must attempt world domination again, could I please use the more traditional 'stolen nuclear weapons' or 'giant laser' approach)(really, these people have no imagination. The next time I try world domination I'll be coming up with something far more original )

 

 

And this is how I spent the rest of my 'stay awake' programme - cleaning the kitchen when the aforementioned embryonic fried eggs duly exploded and covered everything in gunk. Fortuneately most of the burns and scarring is covered by my clothes so no-one's said anything yet but the bit of charred egg shell that got stuck in my eye is still there and all I can see from the left eyeball is a giant red lion (re-enforcing the feeling of being stalked by fried eggs).

 

I feel like such a failure

 

Awww, don't feel like a failure. Just cos you feel like a failure doesnt mean that you aren't. Lets try another plan - embrace the phobias & desensitise yourself. I prescribe:

 

1. Not burning all the ironing boards you have collected, but instead find novel uses for them around your home. Off the top of my head, dining table, tall thin bed, wall art, fly swatter. You may even grow to love them.

 

2. Eat nothing but fried eggs for the next fortnight. If nothing else, you will have no need of incontinence pants made from beansprouts. Think of the time you will save not going to the toilet.

 

3. Abandon the stay awake programme. Not one of my better ideas. Stretch out on one of the ironing boards, close your eyes, & see how long it takes you to roll off. Concussion can be a good thing in these cases, causing short term memory loss so you wont remember what you were afraid of.

 

Sorted

[TheNeil]

Awww, don't feel like a failure. Just cos you feel like a failure doesnt mean that you aren't.

I suppose you're right. I've got to stop thinking that I feel like a failure and that I actually am a failure (in fact thinking about that makes me feel better . "I am a failure. I am a failure. I am a failure"...and breathe)

 

Lets try another plan - embrace the phobias & desensitise yourself. I prescribe:

 

1. Not burning all the ironing boards you have collected, but instead find novel uses for them around your home. Off the top of my head, dining table, tall thin bed, wall art, fly swatter. You may even grow to love them.

The first truckloads have already arrived and I'm starting to run out of space (to the point where I had to resort to stacking them in front of the windows and I haven't actually been able to see daylight since about 10:15). I'm praying that one of the neighbours realises that something is up and calls for help (which I think is unlikely - they haven't even got the hang of that 'speaking' thing yet so I think 'calling for help' is probably a few millenia down the line).

 

2. Eat nothing but fried eggs for the next fortnight. If nothing else, you will have no need of incontinence pants made from beansprouts. Think of the time you will save not going to the toilet.

Yes, thoughts like that often cheer me up . I'll be able to cram so much more into my busy days if I eliminate that particular activity (and it's re-assuring to see that in an intellectually stimulating discussion about the merits of nightmares about being stalked by ironing boards and having fried eggs shoved in one's face, the conversation eventually turns to matters of the toilet - my faith in human nature is restored )(I bet theoretical physicists, professors and intellectual are discussing things exactly like this right now. I wonder what Sir Stephen Hawkin thinks about it all? )

 

3. Abandon the stay awake programme. Not one of my better ideas. Stretch out on one of the ironing boards, close your eyes, & see how long it takes you to roll off. Concussion can be a good thing in these cases, causing short term memory loss so you wont remember what you were afraid of.

I wish you'd mentioned that earlier - I nearly lost an eye when I passed out and smacked my head on the edge of the worktop . I'm guessing that someone suggested this to you sometime in the dim, distant past (for you and your short-term memory loss that means Monday, for the rest of us it means 1979), you followed their advice, developed the aforementioned short-term memory loss, and have now passed this onto me (with the obligatory warning coming just that few moments too late).

 

I do like the concussion idea though. OK it'll probably hurt (well actually I know it hurts) but if I can hit my head hard enough then I should black out (blanking out not only the pain but also saving me from the ironing board/fried egg dreams). Hooray, I'm (hopefully) cured...now if only I had space to actually fall over (well, move even )

[dooday24]

thanx theneil that made me laugh And i deffinetly needed it this afternoon

 

love donnaxxxxx

[Diane]

I like mine poached with spinach. YUM!

[pearl]

The first truckloads have already arrived and I'm starting to run out of space (to the point where I had to resort to stacking them in front of the windows and I haven't actually been able to see daylight since about 10:15).

 

You could use them to build an extension to house all the fried eggs. (An eggstra room)

 

and it's re-assuring to see that in an intellectually stimulating discussion about the merits of nightmares about being stalked by ironing boards and having fried eggs shoved in one's face, the conversation eventually turns to matters of the toilet - my faith in human nature is restored )(I bet theoretical physicists, professors and intellectual are discussing things exactly like this right now. I wonder what Sir Stephen Hawkin thinks about it all? )

I thought you knew - in the rarified circles in which he moves, (ever decreasing till he gets the motor on his wheelchair fixed), Sir Stephen is better known for his toilet humour than his theories of an expanding universe.

[Tally]

Probably best if you go to the canteen where Tally works and look at the scrambled eggs. From what she said, they'd probably put you off for life

 

I have to be honest . . . pretty much anything served up in my canteen at work would put you off for life.

[TheNeil]

I have to be honest . . . pretty much anything served up in my canteen at work would put you off for life.

You should submit that to marketing department. I can see adverts in magazines, billboards, TV ads...

[TheNeil]

You could use them to build an extension to house all the fried eggs. (An eggstra room)

That's so poor it doesn't even deserve a reply (which kind of makes this sentence somewhat pointless)

 

I thought you knew - in the rarified circles in which he moves, (ever decreasing till he gets the motor on his wheelchair fixed), Sir Stephen is better known for his toilet humour than his theories of an expanding universe.

Ahhhhhhhh. Maybe that's why I got confused when I read A Brief History of Time* and 'Sir Steve' (Hawkin, not Redgrave) starting going on about a 'mighty pair'. I thought he was on about the collision of electrons and sub-atomic particles, and the resultant effect that would have on the gravitational attraction between pairs of equally sized atomic structures. Now I realise that he was actually talking about Cheryl Cole's [rest of sentence removed on moral grounds ]

 

*Note: TheNeil has never read A Brief History of Time. In fact he's never really read anything (aside from the Life and Times of Sir Sidney James, Spot's Big Day Out and The Ladybird Book of Drug Dealers+), instead preferring to either look at the pictures or trying to appear intelligent by reading The Independant (where he, again, just looks at the pictures)(although, in his defence, he does try to make up a story to fit the supplied photo montage - "And off Gordon Brown went, down to the secret garden at the bottom of 10 Downing Street, skipping merrily along the winding path at the thought of tea and cakes with the magical monetary advisory commision fairies . Sadly there were no cakes left (that greedy David Milliband had eaten them all ) and Gordon had to slowly walk back to the house, his face all sad and grey - never mind though, Mummy Brown would make it all better with a glass of lemonade and a big slice of cherry cake <'> ")(Oh God, it's starting again...please help me, make it stop )

 

+This is a made up book. Although the 'LadyBook Book Of...' series has covered many varied topics in it's 54,000 year history (my personal favourites being Cars, Computing, Handbags and Race-Fixing In The 18th Century), it has, as far I'm aware, never released a book about drug-dealers, drug-dealing or how drugs are made (or anything to do with drugs in the slightest)(well maybe antibiotics but they're 'good' drugs (or were) as opposed to 'bad' drugs). In response to legal advice I feel that it's important to make this clear

[pearl]

Well Neil, its been torture fun, but I have to withdraw from this thread now as I'm losing the will to live off on my holidays in a couple of days & am too busy packing to give your psychological welfare the undivided attention it deserves.

 

I think the good members of this forum have given you plenty of rubbish ideas good advice on tackling your demons, & hope you will be putting them into practice. A photo of the ironing-board extension to your house would show us you mean business.

 

Remember, there are no challenges, only problems

[Mumble]

Well I am utterly confused, I don't know where to start...

 

What on earth possessed you to start such a thread TN? Surely a moment of madness where you were left asking questions of yourselves - fried eggs on ironing boards, women in low cut tops old enough to be your mother, affairs with inanimate objects, ritual slaughter, stalking, murder ... ?* I suggest that whatever it is you're taking, you stop taking it immediately.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*AKA a normal day on the forum.

[TheNeil]

I suggest that whatever it is you're taking, you stop taking it immediately.

That's the problem - I stopped taking it and now this happens

[NobbyNobbs]

fried eggs are for going in the bin theyre all slimy and smelly and eurgh

[Mumble]

Its not your mum having the midlife crisis, it is you, you are quite old after all. So stop wearing those low cut tops & talking to unsuitable men

What eggsactly did happen in York before the snowplough came out and my train could continue Northwards? I appear to have missed all the fun...

 

well I have looked in the dream book and ironing board or even surf board is not in, but iron is! it means; minor problems need solving before they get bigger. and eggs, not specifically fried! means; opportunities will be presented to you on a plate (or in your case an ironing board!) sooo I think it means you have some stuff to sort out and you are being offered(forced) an opportunity to get out of it!! Enid

So your boss/anyone you know had better be watching out for lame eggscuses as you try to get out of the things you have to sort/deal with. Eggsactly how big are these eggs on the ironing board? - maybe that's an indication as to the size of the problem - or is it the eggs/ironing board combination themselves that have, now or in the past, created the problems that need solving?

 

The ironing board has clearly cursed you - either that or you're crackered, and could do with a break.. <'>

So if anyone happens to see nutters walking around the countryside with an ironing board/something that looks like an ironing board with fried eggs, in the next few months, run for your lives before they get you and attempt to confuzzle you with their minor problems and force you to think carefully about your own sanity. :wacko:

 

Why is a teaspoon called a TEAspoon?? Shirley t'is discrimination against coffee, hot chocolate, herbal hot thingies, spoons??

Nope - originally there were different spoons with different measures and you can still get coffee spoons - however, they've generally amalgamated and lost their specific measures, so a teaspoon is often no longer 5ml - it's why you shouldn't give medicine (such that TheNeil may need if this thread is anything to go by) with a teaspoon as there's a possibility of overdosing. It's the tablespoon that has always bemused me - at what point in table production is the spoon used?

 

On the subject of spoons (what do you mean we weren't talking about spoons? ) have you read this before - it's quite old now, but I've always found it funny to think of the humble teaspoon as having a half-life.

 

Back on the subject of eggs (I think that's what all this nonsense was about ) when are you tallying up the poll results so you can give us the definitive answer as to how to cook a fried egg and whether or not you have finally lost it (I know where my money is on that one (high up on a shelf ))?

[TheNeil]

What eggsactly did happen in York before the snowplough came out and my train could continue Northwards? I appear to have missed all the fun...

It's not the sort of thing that can be discussed on a family forum

 

So your boss/anyone you know had better be watching out for lame eggscuses as you try to get out of the things you have to sort/deal with. Eggsactly how big are these eggs on the ironing board? - maybe that's an indication as to the size of the problem - or is it the eggs/ironing board combination themselves that have, now or in the past, created the problems that need solving?

Have you been saving your 'egg jokes' up for something like this? I bet you write Christmas cracker jokes in your spare time too

 

My boss is totally used to my lame excuses already but I have photos from the last company party which might accidentally get sent to his wife should anything untoward happen to me (some may call me evil, nasty and scheming but I prefer to call it 'plan B')

 

When it comes to egg size, I'd say probably 3 or 4 feet across with the yolk bit being about the size of Wayne Rooney's head (using the international scale of footballer's heads of course)(without the ears obviously). Does size matter?

 

So if anyone happens to see nutters walking around the countryside with an ironing board/something that looks like an ironing board with fried eggs, in the next few months, run for your lives before they get you and attempt to confuzzle you with their minor problems and force you to think carefully about your own sanity. :wacko:

For the record, sanity is over-rated

 

Nope - originally there were different spoons with different measures and you can still get coffee spoons - however, they've generally amalgamated and lost their specific measures, so a teaspoon is often no longer 5ml - it's why you shouldn't give medicine (such that TheNeil may need if this thread is anything to go by) with a teaspoon as there's a possibility of overdosing. It's the tablespoon that has always bemused me - at what point in table production is the spoon used?

Tablespoons actually harken back to the Victorian era when skilled craftsmen would sculpt tables for doll's houses. The 'ideal' table size and weight was duly agreed by the International Association of Doll's House Wierdos and a special cradle (or 'spoon') was created to ensure consistency around the world. Sadly the wife of one of the committe members mistook the tablespoon for a ladle and started serving soup with it, forcing the once noble tablespoon to be forced into domestic servitude.

 

And I don't use a teaspoon (or 5ml measure) for my medicine. We tried it but the doctor agreed that, given the dosage involved, using a teaspoon (or 5ml measure) would take several hours - so we went back to the 'bucket' measure. And I would like to say that it's working and I have been a lot better in these past few months

 

Back on the subject of eggs (I think that's what all this nonsense was about ) when are you tallying up the poll results so you can give us the definitive answer as to how to cook a fried egg and whether or not you have finally lost it (I know where my money is on that one (high up on a shelf ))?

Hang your head in shame . This 'nonsense', as you put it, is, in truth, a detailed analysis and examination of the phenomenomonomon that is fried eggs. Looking at the results collated so far and using Gaussian elimination (to remove the 'bread soldiers' factor) it would appear that 'sunny side up' is the preferred method. Unfortuneately, due to a slight phobia on my part (which people may or may not be aware of) I can't actually test the suggested method as it would mean having a fried egg in the house. Perhaps someone would like to volunteer, maybe?

[Mumble]

OK, I've been thinking about this a bit more seriously. If this dream is still happening and troubling you, you could try a technique my therapist taught me for dealing with unwanted dreams/nightmares. It didn't work for me, mind you, but sometimes you get to the stage of 'try anything' (although I would avoid the sheet counting - my tally of sheep is now quite enormous and I'm struggling to keep awake to remember where I'm up to - it was 6204 at the last count ).

 

The technique is this:

1. Whilst you are awake, think about the troubling dream and which parts you want/need to change of it to make it into a positive/nice dream that, rather than unsettling you, will be a pleasant experience.
2. Re-write the dream in your head so that it becomes the dream you want to dream - either use dream books to come up with something yo want or just have a picture/image in your head that you like - mine normally involves a snowy wilderness, but you need to find something that works for you.
3. Begin to run through the old dream in your head (the one you don't want) but at a suitable early point, change what happens so it becomes the dream you do want - practise visualising your dream regularly whist awake so you know exactly what happens and how you move quickly from the disturbing one (way before it becomes disturbing) to the one you want.
4. Then. before you go to bed, you have to have words with yourself. You say, "TheNeil, tonight you are not going to have the nightmare, when it starts it will change into the positive story involving X. Y and Z" - you repeat this until your brain understands what it is supposed to do.
5. Then you go to sleep and have the positive/nice dream instead and sleep soundly and awaken refreshed in the morning.

Now, as I say, didn't work for me at all, but if you can get it to work, please let me know where I'm going wrong. I suspect my 'alternative dream' was too convoluted and got me thinking, 'yeah, but what if...', but perhaps you can come up with something that works.

[TheNeil]

OK, I've been thinking about this a bit more seriously. If this dream is still happening and troubling you, you could try a technique my therapist taught me for dealing with unwanted dreams/nightmares. It didn't work for me, mind you, but sometimes you get to the stage of 'try anything' (although I would avoid the sheet counting - my tally of sheep is now quite enormous and I'm struggling to keep awake to remember where I'm up to - it was 6204 at the last count ).

6204?!?!?!?!?! Methinks you need to dream about a shepherd and get them rounded up, penned in and packaged into little plastic trays

 

I'll give the 'wonder technique' a try but not sure what good it'll do - I do have something that I'd like to dream about so now just got to shoehorn that into fried eggs and ironing boards (and the talking to myself bit is a doddle - I do that all of the time anyeway ).

 

Just so that everyone can sleep a little easier (as I know the undercurrent of concern that is going on), I didn't have the dream last night. So, free of fried eggs and ironing boards, I managed a whole 4 hours (bringing this week's total a massive 8 hours - it probably would have been more but someone suggested that I try not sleeping at all. And where is that someone now? Pah, off sunning herself in Derbyshire )

[Mumble]

6204?!?!?!?!?! Methinks you need to dream about a shepherd and get them rounded up, penned in and packaged into little plastic trays

I'm off lamb at the moment - I could tell you about my recent experience with several hundred sheep, a ferry and a slaughter-man, but we're trying to rid you of bad images, so I'll keep that one to myself for now.

 

I'll give the 'wonder technique' a try but not sure what good it'll do - I do have something that I'd like to dream about so now just got to shoehorn that into fried eggs and ironing boards (and the talking to myself bit is a doddle - I do that all of the time anyeway ).

 

Just so that everyone can sleep a little easier (as I know the undercurrent of concern that is going on), I didn't have the dream last night. So, free of fried eggs and ironing boards, I managed a whole 4 hours (bringing this week's total a massive 8 hours - it probably would have been more but someone suggested that I try not sleeping at all. And where is that someone now? Pah, off sunning herself in Derbyshire )

Yeah, but there's only so much listening to librarians that anyone can stomach - all that shushing and tutting and doing ever-er-re-thing-ve-ry-ve-ry-slow-ly - if you follow that advice it'll be months before you realise you're not actually sleeping by which time you're be dead (although that would solve the whole problem of the dream and not sleeping ). Well I hope that this new technique works for you (although I don't hold out much hope) and that you can report back with a more pleasant dream in need of interpretation (hopefully one that does not involve ironing boards, surf boards and fried eggs).

[TheNeil]

Well I hope that this new technique works for you (although I don't hold out much hope) and that you can report back with a more pleasant dream in need of interpretation (hopefully one that does not involve ironing boards, surf boards and fried eggs).

OK I tried it...with mixed results. Sadly, lacking an imagination, I had to find inspiration from external sources and although I spent a good ten minutes looking at pictures of the ever-lovely Kate Winslet(<sigh>) my brain decided to go and ruin the whole thng for me. Yes I ended up on the Titanic (no fried eggs in sight) but Leonadro DiCaprio kept sliming his way around the ship. Repeated punching seemed to do the trick but just as I was about to deliver the killer blow (and tip is vile little-ness off the boat) the iceberg hit. Of course, being a dream it wasn't just an iceberg but a giant frozen fried egg which meant that I didn't just drown but drowned having a fried egg shoved in my face.

 

Why am I haunted by fried eggs? Will I ever regain sanity (or my own version of it)? Maybe I should finally give in and either seek psychiatric help or go on holiday (although knowing my luck I'd end up at an egg farm or an English Breakfast convention )

 

Luckily I managed to pass out on the sofa yesterday afternoon and had a lovely dream about London (God knows why ) - I could tell that it was London as the Queen kept to waving to everyone as she went round and round on the London Eye, I, somehow, knew that I was 'sarf a da riva', and Pearly Kings and Queens kept wanting to beat up someone called 'Mrs Brown'. Sir Alan Sugar was also there and he kept saying "I don't like eggs. I don't pegs. I don't like eggs on pegs" so at least I know that 'Sir Alan' is on my side

[Mumble]

Maybe I should finally give in and either seek psychiatric help

I think that's the most sensible thing you've said in a long time ...

[Bard]

Sir Alan Sugar was also there and he kept saying "I don't like eggs. I don't pegs. I don't like eggs on pegs" so at least I know that 'Sir Alan' is on my side

 

Are you sure?

Was it perhaps the deceased Dr Seuss, wearing an Alan Sugar mask?

[TheNeil]

Are you sure?

Was it perhaps the deceased Dr Seuss, wearing an Alan Sugar mask?

How would I be able to tell?