Fried Eggs - How Do You Like Yours?

[TheNeil]

OK, this is a bit of a strange one (even for me)(and if I'm thinking that it's strange then God help the rest of the you) and I'm kind of in two minds about whether to even mention it or not (but, as you're reading this, I obviously decided to). I'm being plagued by a very strange and bizarre nightmare/dream. In it I'm being chased by what seems to be an ironing board (maybe a surf board) that pins me to a wall and keeps trying to force me to eat over-cooked fried eggs (something which I have a pathological hatred of - don't ask, it would take too long to explain and could traumatise and corrupt innocent minds). After having had this dream/nightmare for three nights now, I'm sick to death of having fried eggs shoved in my face.

 

I tried phoning my mum up about it (I know, I know but yesterday was a Sunday which meant that I was even more bored than usual - it's not all glamour, cocktail parties, storming Iranian Embassies and hacking into the Pentago, when you're a programmer) but she was too busy getting ready to go out and inflict herself on people who really don't deserve it, to calm my nerves (for the record she's going through (yet another) mid-life crisis and is convinced that she's 'still got it' and has now opted to wear low cut tops and try to talk to blokes not much older than her eldest son )(for God's sake woman, grow old gracefully, find a nice retirement village and get back to pottering around the garden and proving what a great loss you were to Mensa)(I fear for her sanity - she's now started watching Murder She Wrote and Diagnosis Murder. So she's either totally losing the plot or is planning on becoming a TV killer/crime investigator ).

 

So, as it's a slow day at work, I thought I'd share this little picture of domestic bliss and see if anyone has any ideas about:

 

1. What the hell does it all mean (the dream/nightmare I mean, not life in general)

2. What the best way to cook fried eggs is (so that I can defeat the ironing board monster and never have to talk to it again)

3. What type of medication do I need to take/stop taking to regain some semblance of sanity

 

So vote, share opinions and we'll let the forum tally up the results and reveal just how to close to being commited I really am (or you could just do what I do and make sarcastic remarks).

 

[Edited because I managed to not setup the poll properly - d'oh]

Edited August 18, 2008 by TheNeil

[Tally]

The best way to cook a fried egg is in a cool pan. If your pan is too hot, the egg just bubbles and goes crispy underneath, before the top is cooked, and you end up with burnt egg, and everyone knows that burnt egg is very bad.

 

I fear for her sanity - she's now started watching Murder She Wrote and Diagnosis Murder. So she's either totally losing the plot or is planning on becoming a TV killer/crime investigator

Maybe she is just looking for ideas

[TheNeil]

Maybe she is just looking for ideas

Oh, I hadn't thought of that. I'm going to see her in a couple of weeks so maybe I'd best refuse anything she offers me to eat or drink, check behind doors and cushions for poison darts and things like that

 

Thanks Tally1 Now not only do I have to worry about fried eggs but now I have to worry that my mum's trying to kill me

[brooke]

ooooh i love diagnosis

And i also have poached eggs!!!

[Enid]

Blimy! I have a dream book I will look out later and see if I can shed any light! as for eggs I like mine in a sandwich! with brown sauce. Enid

[smiley]

Yay! A daft thread

 

1 - I've no idea, you are clearly weird.. and/or have 'issues' with your ironing board

2 - Sunnnnnny side up!

3 - I prescribe burning said ironing board, whilst chanting 'be gone with you oh flat one'. And then eat a bucket of boiled eggs - will not help the phobia, but will cause so much tummy pain, will forget heebyjeebies.

 

[pearl]

Neil, Neil, I feel your pain honeybunch <'>

 

1. What the hell does it all mean (the dream/nightmare I mean, not life in general)

It means that you spend far too much time asleep. The worst dreams only happen when you should have been up & about 3 hours ago.

 

2. What the best way to cook fried eggs is (so that I can defeat the ironing board monster and never have to talk to it again

The best way is to buy them ready cooked and reheat them in the microwave. There's a special online service called EggsRCooked where you can order them in bulk for your freezer. This takes a lot of stress out of the decision making process, as the method of cooking is clearly outlined on the recyclable cardboard box. You can even eat them frozen.

 

3. What type of medication do I need to take/stop taking to regain some semblance of sanity

Green tictacs - works every time for me.

 

Oh, and one more thing - you are projecting. Its not your mum having the midlife crisis, it is you, you are quite old after all. So stop wearing those low cut tops & talking to unsuitable men

[Tally]

The best way is to buy them ready cooked and reheat them in the microwave. There's a special online service called EggsRCooked where you can order them in bulk for your freezer. This takes a lot of stress out of the decision making process, as the method of cooking is clearly outlined on the recyclable cardboard box. You can even eat them frozen.

Please, please tell me you are joking!

[baddad]

You should NEVER eat fried eggs - they are full of Cholesterol and salmonella. They should be boiled and (edwina) curried

IF you do eat a fried egg, the official bestest way is to fry them in butter (no point in faffing about with olive oil or anything like that - if you're gonna have a cholesterol sandwich you might as well go the whole hog), so that the top of the yolk has a thin white membrane over the top, the underside is crisped and the yolk itself runny... you place this on one slice of hot buttered toast and apply a goodly 'blab' of tomato ketchup...

Stage one: Cut tightly around the yolk (without breaking it) and eat the white with about half of the tomato ketchup.

Stage two: Turn the yolk over, placing it precisely in the middle of the toast, scraping the rest of the tomato ketchup over the entire slice. If you break the yolk you've lost.

Stage three: Gently peel the crisped 'back' of the yolk and consume, without disturbing the runny inner.

Stage four: Take a fork and MASH the yolk into the toast and tomato ketchup to cover the whoile slice.

Stage five: fold toast in half (do not CUT and fold - just fold), and eat as you would an eclair or some other squishy cake. proceed with caution - this is the dangerous part where you are most at risk from shirt-splatter or tie-dye.

Stage six: wash it all dahn wiv a nice, strong cuppa cha and if so desired a second slice of COLD buttered toast

 

The After The Pub's Shut Special:

 

Light flame under frying pan and pour in half a litre of oil. Leave until smoking while you put two slices of bread in toaster, go for a pee, turm on telly, swear at channel four presenter etc...

Return to kitchen and hit smoke alarm with broom handle until it stops...

Grab toast, burn fingers, drop toast. retrieve from cat's bowl, wipe off felix 'pate' and place on kitchen table...

Smear margarine over toast using teaspoon as all knives are dirty from rushed dinner before departing for pub. Smear tomato ketchup on too...

Crack egg into bubbling oil in frying pan, retreating from black mushroom cloud as it hisses and tries to get back out again. After 0.03 seconds remove charred, crisped remains of egg from pan with teaspoon and carry it to table, carefully collecting any drips of fat on favourite shirt and jeans...

Place egg half on toast, half on table...

Pick it up, yell 'ouch', drop it on floor...

Pick it up from floor, holding it twixt thumb and forefinger between sheet of kitchen towel or cuff of favourite shirt if you haven't got any paper towels...

Carefully place on first piece of toast, then top with second piece...

Carry through to living room and fall into favourite chair...

Take a bite of egg on toast sandwich, and swear at C4 presenter...

Wake up three hours later with mouth like inside of cat basket and indegestion, take four paracetamol and two pints of water, then finish sandwich...

Go to bed.

 

Obviously, i haven't done the second for years, but from memory it's quite delicious!

 

What's an ironing board?

 

Best medication: Guinness.

[TheNeil]

Yay! A daft thread

I resent the implication that that this is in anyway anything other a deadly serious thread Why I've already discovered that my own mother is now trying to kill me

 

1 - I've no idea, you are clearly weird.. and/or have 'issues' with your ironing board

You're probably right, although nothing should come between a man and his ironing board

 

3 - I prescribe burning said ironing board, whilst chanting 'be gone with you oh flat one'. And then eat a bucket of boiled eggs - will not help the phobia, but will cause so much tummy pain, will forget heebyjeebies.

I think if I eat a bucket load of boiled eggs I'll get the heebiejeebies . Oh and I'll burn the ironing board when I get home - I think it's had too much of a hold over me for too long. I shall, of course, accompany your suggested chant with the more traditional 'thoust shall not smooth thy clothes before the eyes of the Lord' (or something)

[bid]

Rubbery!!

 

Boho

[smiley]

Whilst we're on the subject of 'Officially Serious Threads'. Was wondering last night (as you do.. )

 

Why is a teaspoon called a TEAspoon?? Shirley t'is discrimination against coffee, hot chocolate, herbal hot thingies, spoons??

 

And Bads - I am, quite frankly, impressed you managed to find the favourite chair in that state............ I've found the kitchen floor to be the most comfy place for i-must-have-chips-or-I'll-die, midnight and beyond moments.

 

Ohhhhhhhh, had anyone tried making crisps in the frying pan?? Don't - it doesn't work as well as you would hope.

[bid]

OK, now I've had to have a fried negg roll for my lunch (with mayo )

 

So if I've put on any weight it's your fault, TheNeil!!

 

Boho

[TheNeil]

Neil, Neil, I feel your pain honeybunch <'>

Please Pearl. I've asked you not to call me that in public

 

It means that you spend far too much time asleep. The worst dreams only happen when you should have been up & about 3 hours ago.

Hmm. I see. It will mean that I'll have to figure out a way to get up before I even go to bed but I'm sure I can think of something... Maybe I could take the ironing board and use it to surf down the stairs as a way to stay awake for longer

 

The best way is to buy them ready cooked and reheat them in the microwave. There's a special online service called EggsRCooked where you can order them in bulk for your freezer. This takes a lot of stress out of the decision making process, as the method of cooking is clearly outlined on the recyclable cardboard box. You can even eat them frozen.

Err I think I'd rather microwave the box and eat that. And forgive me if I'm wrong but weren't EggsRCooked discovered to be connected to Salmonella-U-Like in a recent Panorama investigation?

 

Oh, and one more thing - you are projecting. Its not your mum having the midlife crisis, it is you, you are quite old after all. So stop wearing those low cut tops & talking to unsuitable men

I can assure you that I'm not projecting (yes, I wanted a job at the cinema but they won't even let me through the door since the 'Malteser incident'). I do understand what you mean about the low cut tops though - I have neither the cleavage or the personality to carry them off. Perhaps I should just admit that I'm old, will probably die soon (if old age doesn't kill me then surfing down the stairs on a flaming ironing board is probably not going to do much to help my chances of staying alive) and should sign up to FaceBook (where, I believe, there are two people older than me - some 123 year old chinese guy and some scatty brained librarian who's named after a type of necklace)

[TheNeil]

OK, now I've had to have a fried negg roll for my lunch (with mayo )

 

So if I've put on any weight it's your fault, TheNeil!!

Wasn't it Yoda who said "Control, control, you must learn control"?

 

He never ate fried egg rolls (with mayo) and therefore never had weight problems (then again he was 900 years old, spoke gibberish and didn't have a FaceBook account so what would he know )

 

It's good to see that I am, once again, being blamed for the world's problems (hooray, I have a purpose to live - to annoy, and take the blame for everything ). In this case though you could have solved two problems in one go: you could have posted the fried egg roll (with mayo) to Africa

[TheNeil]

Why is a teaspoon called a TEAspoon?? Shirley t'is discrimination against coffee, hot chocolate, herbal hot thingies, spoons??

Well I suppose it'd be a bit of a pain in the morning if you had to ask someone to get/pass you a tea-coffee-hot-chocolate-yoghurt-herbal-hot-thingy-honey-jam-marmalade-mini-ice-cream-boiled-egg-and-a-million-uses-besides-spoon

 

Ohhhhhhhh, had anyone tried making crisps in the frying pan?? Don't - it doesn't work as well as you would hope.

My mother tried that once...and then my dad died several years later . I'm not saying that there's a connection (although given her new found love of Diagnosis Murder, the evidence is starting to stack up against her) but where there's smoke there's fire (or my mother trying to make crisps in a frying pan )

[Enid]

well I have looked in the dream book and ironing board or even surf board is not in, but iron is! it means; minor problems need solving before they get bigger. and eggs, not specifically fried! means; opportunities will be presented to you on a plate (or in your case an ironing board!) sooo I think it means you have some stuff to sort out and you are being offered(forced) an opportunity to get out of it!! Enid

[Nic m]

fried eggs are one of my favourite foods.

best way to cook them is in a hot frying pan (non stick) with just a tiny bit of oil.

the pan should be hot enough that the egg forms a shape as soon as it hits the pan, once it cooks underneath flip it over then you are done.

If you like sunny side up you need more oil, and instead of flipping your egg over you either let the bottom cook too much or you skim the oil over the top of the egg before you lift it out.

 

The dream i have no idea but could be connected to your mum?

Does she make over cooked fried eggs, could the eggs and ironing board symbolise your mum?

(my thinking is because of the mid-life crisis, you maybe think your mum should be sticking with domestics and not overdoing it on the man front.)

 

just a thought.

 

N x

[baddad]

Why is a teaspoon called a TEAspoon?? Shirley t'is discrimination against coffee, hot chocolate, herbal hot thingies, spoons??

 

A teaspoon is called a teaspoon because it was inveneted By judge Justice Buford Tea in 1877. Originally named sugar spoons, they were intended as an alternative for sugar tongs, but were renamed following litigation for copyright infringement when the Chinese Tong manufacturers heard of the plans.

Another spoon related fact - did you know that the Runciple Spoon, originally a figment of Lewis Caroll's imagination, was unsuccessfully marketed by actor Leo McKewan as a swizzle stick for liquers, as an attempted marketing spin off for his TV series Runciple of the Baileys?

And another - lawks a mercy cockerny pearly kings'n'queens often play the spoons as a musical instrument, but Pearly King Bert Barra (1873-1874) actually died after stabbing himself in the upper thigh with a salmonella infected Spork which had once belonged to admiral Nelson (that's the real admiral nelson, of course, not the fictional one from 'voyage to the bottom of the sea' who had no need whatsoever of a spork - salmonella-infected or nay - as he had both hands to eat with)...

 

But - in a similar vein: how come the chinese use chopsticks but never eat chops?

 

 

[Flora]

baddad,

 

Your description of frying an egg after the pub is (in my extremely unqualified opinion!) is a work of near (if not actual) comic genius.

 

I'm sat here with a cuppa after struggling through the rain and crying with laughter.

 

 

Floz

[bid]

A runciple spoon is 'double-ended'

 

Boho

[Flora]

A runciple spoon is 'double-ended'

 

Boho

 

and invented by Edward Lear not Lewis Caroll. I think or have I missed a joke????

[pearl]

Please, please tell me you are joking!

 

Well I fort I was Tally ... but ...

Its only a matter of time ....

 

Wasn't it Yoda who said "Control, control, you must learn control"?

No it was Fi Lin Pu, the 123 year old chinese Facebook member. Yoda would have said, learn control you must, Grasshopper. Oh wait thats Master Po.

 

Please Pearl. I've asked you not to call me that in public

Ok Sweetpea, I wont do it again

 

And forgive me if I'm wrong but weren't EggsRCooked discovered to be connected to Salmonella-U-Like in a recent Panorama investigation?

Who told you that? I demand to know! I think that post could be regarded as inflammatory, nay defaming even

[Tally]

In the supermarket where I work, the scrambled egg sold in the coffee shop comes in ready made in airtight plastic wrappers. It looks really unpleasant. Considering you can scramble egg in a microwave, there really is no excuse for it.

 

You can get these special containers for microwave-boiling or poaching an egg, or making omelettes. (You have to use the special containers because if you put an egg in the microwave in its shell, it explodes and makes a hell of a mess of your microwave.)

[pearl]

if you put an egg in the microwave in its shell, it explodes and makes a hell of a mess of your microwave.

 

See, I really want to try that now, I get sooo bored when I'm on leave

[TheNeil]

See, I really want to try that now, I get sooo bored when I'm on leave

Do it, do it, do it! Exploding things in a microwave is not only dangerous but also fun - hence Brainiac on Sky (of course little Richard Hammond never had to clean up afterwards though so maybe that's why he was so keen. Maybe if Mrs Hammond had made him clean the resultant mess up, he'd have been less enthusiastic )

[TheNeil]

In the supermarket where I work, the scrambled egg sold in the coffee shop comes in ready made in airtight plastic wrappers. It looks really unpleasant.

This is really making me fancy scrambled eggs tonight...not

[TheNeil]

well I have looked in the dream book and ironing board or even surf board is not in, but iron is! it means; minor problems need solving before they get bigger. and eggs, not specifically fried! means; opportunities will be presented to you on a plate (or in your case an ironing board!) sooo I think it means you have some stuff to sort out and you are being offered(forced) an opportunity to get out of it!! Enid

Yes - that's it. Maybe I'm probably worrying about buying out a new ironing board and it's manifesting itself in my dreams. It could be that the eggs are representing an ironing board sale going on somewhere and I just have to get in quick and save myself a pretty penny. Yes, it all makes perfect sense now...

[bid]

Its only a matter of time ....

 

Well!

 

And I thought I was decadent having mayo...but ham and a slice of cheese too?!

 

Boho

[baddad]

A runciple spoon is 'double-ended'

 

Boho

 

Why would you want a spoon with a handle at each end and no bowl? How silly!

Mind you, a spoon with two bowls would be useful for eating a double yolker...

No, flozza, you haven't missed a joke - just fallen fowl of a hackenthrope...

 

Far and few, far and few

are the lands where the Hackenthropes live

Their legs are brown and smell of poo

and they eat their eggs with a sieve, they do,

they eat their eggs with a sieve...

 

 

and while were in the mood for pomes: one of spike's on the subject of eggs:

 

A virile young cockrel from spain

Had a harem of hen's to his name

But now he's old and slow

So never will go

To work on an egg again

 

[warrenpenalver]

I like mine cooked???!!??

 

on another daft point, this is how much fat came off 4 so called lean suasages i cooked earlier!! fat!!!

[TheNeil]

on another daft point, this is how much fat came off 4 so called lean suasages i cooked earlier!! fat!!!

At least it's in the dish rather than in the sausages (which is now something else that I'm definitely not wanting to eat )

 

As way of an update, I had 'the dream' again last night despite performing the required ritual sacrifice before the all powerful ironing board before I went to bed for 18 seconds (I didn't have a live chicken though so used a couple of frozen chicken breasts)(they were actually better as, being still frozen, they were easier to cut - I think I'll I pass that little nugget onto Demonic Sacificer Monthly*...might even win the �5 letter of the month )

 

*This is made up. As far as I'm aware, there's no magazine called 'Demonic Sacrificer Monthly'. Other publications dealing with the issue of demonic sacrifice may be available but I wouldn't know anything about that kind of thing - I'm a decent, upstanding type who doesn't go in for [rest of statement removed on moral grounds]. If you're interested in this kind of thing then it's probably best to have a word with your local newsagent or maybe contact your nearest devil worshipping cult and see if they can point you in the right direction [Oh God, it's started again - I'm rambling all over the place. Please, make it stop, I can't take it anymore. I just want to have a sane thought in my head for more than four seconds ]

[smiley]

The ironing board has clearly cursed you - either that or you're crackered, and could do with a break.. <'>

[TheNeil]

The ironing board has clearly cursed you - either that or you're crackered, and could do with a break.. <'>

I don't want to be insane anymore (but I also don't to actually be sane either - it looks so dull ). Why is my life ruled by an ironing board imbued with Aztec curses?

 

Perhaps it's like Pirates of The Caribbean and I have to take the cursed ironing board back to somewhere (on a stolen ship naturally) and cut Orlando Bloom's hand off (and then maybe disappear with Keira Knightley for an hour or two )

[smiley]

OK, OK - but only if I'm allowed to play with Mr Depp........... *daydreams*

[TheNeil]

OK, OK - but only if I'm allowed to play with Mr Depp........... *daydreams*

If you're idea of fun is playing with a man who is dire in need of a bath then go ahead

 

And if it solves my ironing board nightmares then please, please, please go ahead

[pearl]

This requires radical action.

 

1. You need to stop sleeping. If you dont sleep you cant dream. See the logic? In future, get up before you go to bed. The green tictacs should help keep you awake. And with all the extra hours you gain, you could do a night shift in your local drag club - put all those low cut tops to good use. You will need the extra money anyway, for:

 

2. Buying up all the ironing boards in existence & ceremonially burning them to exorcise your demons. You can get a special credit-crunch-busting 150 year mortgage to finance this. Invite interested members of the forum to participate in the ceremony. We will bring our own frozen chicken breasts. The vegetarians can bring quorn. All this leaves you to deal with is:

 

3. Fried eggs. You need to nip them in the bud, before they ever reach that scary fried state. You have a microwave, they have shells. Show them who is boss.

Good luck.

[dooday24]

i cant eat eggs boohoo they make me really would love to b able to eat them as they look soo nice but they just dont agree with me lol

 

love donnaxxxx

[TheNeil]

This requires radical action.

 

1. You need to stop sleeping. If you dont sleep you cant dream. See the logic? In future, get up before you go to bed. The green tictacs should help keep you awake. And with all the extra hours you gain, you could do a night shift in your local drag club - put all those low cut tops to good use. You will need the extra money anyway, for:

OK. I tried that (the not sleeping but, not the drag act bit - I don't think I have the legs for that particular career move). I nearly crashed three times on the way to work as a result but, I suppose, this is the price that I have to pay to remain sane (well, sane-ish). Sadly it doesn't seem to have worked as, seemingly everywhere I look, I see fried eggs and ironing boards (and, just for the record, I do not work for a firm that sells ironing boards and/or fried eggs)

 

2. Buying up all the ironing boards in existence & ceremonially burning them to exorcise your demons. You can get a special credit-crunch-busting 150 year mortgage to finance this. Invite interested members of the forum to participate in the ceremony. We will bring our own frozen chicken breasts. The vegetarians can bring quorn. All this leaves you to deal with is:

As part of my 'stay awake' programme, I tried trawling a certain online auction site and buying every one of the damned accursed things that I could. Eventually I got an email asking me to stop as the World Trade Commision had raised concerns about me 'cornering the market' (there was also some gibberish about worries over the world coming to an end due to crinkled shirts or something and, if I must attempt world domination again, could I please use the more traditional 'stolen nuclear weapons' or 'giant laser' approach)(really, these people have no imagination. The next time I try world domination I'll be coming up with something far more original )

 

3. Fried eggs. You need to nip them in the bud, before they ever reach that scary fried state. You have a microwave, they have shells. Show them who is boss.

And this is how I spent the rest of my 'stay awake' programme - cleaning the kitchen when the aforementioned embryonic fried eggs duly exploded and covered everything in gunk. Fortuneately most of the burns and scarring is covered by my clothes so no-one's said anything yet but the bit of charred egg shell that got stuck in my eye is still there and all I can see from the left eyeball is a giant red lion (re-enforcing the feeling of being stalked by fried eggs).

 

I feel like such a failure

[TheNeil]

i cant eat eggs boohoo they make me really would love to b able to eat them as they look soo nice but they just dont agree with me lol

Probably best if you go to the canteen where Tally works and look at the scrambled eggs. From what she said, they'd probably put you off for life