i feel really pathetic

[keepingmesane]

firstly i apologise that this may be all over the place

 

earlier this year i started an arts on prescription course, which is basically an art class for people who are depressed, have social problems etc. it was going really well, i found it very difficult to go to as i dont like being with other people and find it very stressful, but i love art and always wanted to do a class so i pushed myself majorly.

well things happened like children being poorly and going away for the week so i missed a few classes, it became harder to go back and when i did go back there was someone new there and they were sat where i sit.

now here is why i feel pathetic and childish... i have to sit in the same place everytime i go somewhere or else i cant settle and i feel so uncomfortable, so much so that i will often find a way to get out of going there again as i dont feel that people would understand and i feel like a silly child.

 

 

so, this morning it was my class again.. all was okish until last night when i was told that a rabbit who we were going to home (a rescue bunny saved last week) was very ill and had lost the use of her back legs, we are still waiting to hear how she is now, add to this our boy bunny is at the vets today having 'the' op and im feeling a little all over the place. nobody else understands that to me, animals are a very big thing and i get very emotional about them, they are like more children to me (and i far prefer animals to humans). so im not in the mood to paint and decide to go and talk to the teacher and explain my difficulties and why i am finding it hard to come back. now this is a big step for me as i try not to bring attention to myself and i feel silly for saying how i feel.

i started talking and because i always get so wound up and stressed when talking to someone (bear in mind that i spend a long time prior to the actual time running over and practicing the conversation in my head) so i start talking and end up all tearful looking even more daft over nothing.

i managed to eventually calm down again and the teacher was very good, i embaressingly explained about needing the same seat everytime and finding it difficult with people around me, she was very good and understanding

 

 

Im not dx autistic or anything and i think people think im being silly if i suggest i am, but i have always struggled and in my childhood there were so many things that were always considered odd and difficult, finding out my son and then daughter were autistic was a relief to me understanding why i felt and feel like i do.

 

People think im stupid for thinking like this as i seem fine and can make it as 'normal', i chat to people as i hate silence as it means people look at you more, if someone talks about one of my likes then i could talk the hind legs off them and become very animated, so they say i cant be autistic and im just imagining it because my children are and that its common for parents to go through this when their children are dx. what they dont understand is how difficult and draining i find it, how much i live a very solitary life staying in a lot as im only comfortable here in my own surroundings. they dont see any problems and because i have no dx or anything 'official' i feel as though i shouldnt or cant say anything.

if only i could explain to people what it is really like to be me, maybe they would understand more. but i feel pathetic with the things i struggle with, and i feel childish trying to explain, as though i havent grown up.

i thought about seeing about a dx and i even started it, but its such a difficult thing to do and drs just brush you off that i just cant face fighting it, i have enough to fight for with my children, and i cant take them looking at me and studying me and calling me neurotic for even thinking i am on the spectrum.

 

sorry for the post, just feeling very frustrated

[NickyB]

Hello, keepingmesane

 

Being honest about how you're feeling is a very brave thing to do - lots of people hide their feelings for fear of being embarrassed.

Can't really offer any advice, just wanted you to know that you've nothing to feel pathetic about.

 

NickyB <'> <'> >< <'> >< <'>

[Tally]

I had two weeks off work and when I got back a new person was sitting in my seat in the canteen, so I had to find a new one.

Then my manager came back from a long period of sick leave and say in my new seat, but then I remembered that he had actually been sitting there all along before he was sick.

Then I found myself another new seat, but a new starter started sitting in the seat opposite, and he smells really unpleasant and it puts me off my dinner.

So I started sitting in yet another seat opposite my colleague, but the table is really too small if we both want to read a newspaper. Meanwhile, Stinky is hogging a big table all to himself.

The other day someone was sitting in that seat, so I had to go and sit somewhere else.

I was quite happy with my seat for two years, and it's just been weird ever since.

 

A diagnosis might help you access support, but in theory, it should be available on the basis of need anyway. If you already have a history of mental health difficulties, the right support may already be available to you.

 

For some people, simply knowing in their own heart is enough to help them feel better about themselves and prevent them beating themselves up over things they have struggled with.

 

My GP was initially reluctant to consider the possibility of AS, but when my mum wrote a list of things that were unusual about me as a child, he then agreed to refer me, but I did have to go private. If your parents are still around, a list like this might help prove that this is has been lifelong.

[pearl]

if someone talks about one of my likes then i could talk the hind legs off them and become very animated, so they say i cant be autistic and im just imagining it because my children are

You could be describing my son there KMS - dx'd Aspergers age 5. Clearly "they" don't know what they are talking about <'> . It is so common for parents to realise that they too are somewhere on the spectrum after the children are dx'd - mr p did. Only you know whether a formal dx would be of help to you. But you are not being pathetic.