Advice

[Tally]

When I was at Autscape I made friends with a man I met there. Since then we have been emailing each other. He has invited me to visit him. I said that I can't really afford it until maybe November time, but if he would like to visit me before that, it would be cool. We haven't actually set anything up yet.

 

The thing is, I am a bit concerned about what he might have in mind. He is in a polyamarous relationship - has multiple partners. I don't want to judge anyone else's choices, but that is really not what I am looking for. I'm not willing to share, he lives to far away, and I'm just not interested in him that way. He hasn't given any clear indication that this is what he is looking for, but I'm worried I'm reading it wrong.

 

He has offered to pay part of my train fare so I could visit sooner. This just seems more than friendly, especially since we have only been friends a short time, although we have shared a lot when we've been talking on email, because we seem to be in similar situations. But maybe he is just feeling isolated and is keen for me to visit. He has AS too, so he might have misguided ideas about what is expected in a friendship. I would not offer money to a friend except under very special circumstances. I'm not going to take the money because I will be able to visit at some point anyway.

 

Now he's started writing "hugs" at the end of his emails. I don't mind hugs from men, but I'm worried about what he means by it. It kind of seems a strange thing to write unless you really meant more than just a hug. But again, maybe he's just projecting the wrong message because he has AS.

 

He has give me his number and told me to call any time I fancied a chat. I know that's the kind of thing a friend might say, but he is 1. a man, and 2. an aspie. It just seems more than friendly given the circumstances, but maybe I am being silly.

 

I don't know how to ask someone what their intentions are without sounding like I am either making an offer or being overly presumptuous.

 

Half of me wants to run a mile, but I don't want to lose out on a friendship.

 

AAARRRGH!

 

What do you think?

[TheNeil]

Hi Tally1

 

Hmmm, tricky. Could you meet him midway between where the two of you live? That way you could stick to 'neutral territory' and could make it a 'day trip' (i.e. no overnight stays so no possibility for 'misunderstandings). Alternatively, what about taking a chaperone along with you (your mum for instance).

 

Speaking as a man (yes, it's true) it does sound as though he's wants to be more than just friends (although people can share phone numbers without it meaning anything else, writing 'hugs' is sometimes just how some people are and just because he's in a polyamorous relationship, it doesn't mean that he'll try it on with anyone. That said, it does sound just a little too 'friendly' when you add it all together).

 

If that's not right for the pair of you though then that's not right but you don't have to stop being friends with the guy if you don't want to. I suppose you could just come out and ask him directly (although that might be very awkward and no ideas or advuce on how to do it) or you could just avoid putting yourself in any compromising situations.

[bid]

Polyamorous = cake and eat it, IMO!

 

Seriously, if it was me, I would be open and say straight out that you really value his friendship but you're not looking for anything more and you just wanted to make sure there weren't any misunderstandings.

 

If he has AS he's not likely to get an 'subtle hints', so best to be straightforward.

 

Bid

[Flora]

Oh heck it's one of those really confusing situations! If you say something, then you risk making an assumption about something that isn't there, but if you don't say something and he makes a move then you're in a compromising situation!

 

Tally, lots of people put hugs and kisses at the end of emails, messages etc... quite often it doesn't mean anything other than adding friendliness to the tone of an email.

 

Having said all of that, just to be certain, I think bid's advice is spot on.

 

Also... quite agree about the money. Never a borrower or a lender be (unless it's a bank!).

 

Flora

[Nic m]

Tally,

 

I agree with all advice given already.

 

N

[pearl]

Like bid said, be v straightforward then there can be no misunderstandings.

And I'd be very wary about letting him visit you unless its on neutral territory, as Neil said, or you know him much better than you do at the moment.

 

Don't feel obliged to do anything. If he values your friendship, he will understand. <'>

[warrenpenalver]

Id agree with everything above but add safety as a priority. Meet in busy public place or somewhere like a well known brand coffee shop and perhaps take a friend with you.

 

If hes a genuine person he wont mind your concerns.