messy bedroom nightmare

[harmony]

Havn't been on for a while. Am so stressed about daughter. she is 12 and was diagnosed with AS and ADHD earlier in year. Her scatty behaviour is always driving me nuts, but we can cope with that and most of her other symptoms. She is of course in total denial except when it suits, usually when I ask her to sort her bedroom out. I have tried to organise it, paint it, add more storage, get rid of rubbish, put everything in some sort of order but within 24 hrs her room looks and smells like the devil. She wets quite alot (again can deal with that) but her personal hygine is dreadful and she smells like a public loo most of the time

Today she had a meltdown as I flipped at the sight of her dreadful 'pit' gave her hour to pick her new clothes off floor and pull her duvet up and pick up rubbish, then 30 min warning, then 15 min and when I went in she was sitting on her bed twiddling with a bit of paper. I went balistic!! My friends say to me how lovely to have such a wonderful daughter, she must be a great help! we havn,t told them about aspergers, she asked us not to, so I have to say 'oh yes she is great to have around' when truth is her 3 year old brother is much more helpful and easier to deal with.

I work most days and some evenings too, but I think I am going to have to cut down as I think i need to help her more, as she evidently can't cope with life in general.

If only she wouldn't leave a trail of devistation behind her, if only she would put soild knickers in the wash bin, If only she would wash and brush her hair and take pride in her beautiful apperance.

So Sorry to rant on, didn't know who else to talk to, hubby useless, leaves home at 7 am, gets in at 8 and can't see whats wrong, as I have done everything by then, including 5 hours at work!

I need a stiff drink and a good cry.

Harmony

[joybed]

Hi Harmony i know exactly what you mean my DS is 12 also and has ASD. His bedroom is best avoided if you can but not possible as you know. He literally doesn,t have a clue how to tidy and due to work and two 4 year olds don,t have the time to get in and sort it myself and if i did it would be as bad again in no time. In your DDs favour she probably doesn,t know where to start i know i don,t in Ms room but organisation is not our childrens strong point by any stretch of the imagination. M also has very poor hygiene skills, solis himself occasionally and doesn,t appear to give a monkeys about this. He said a while back he was old enough to decide for himself when he needed to bath after 4 days ihad to step in and make him have a bath. i remind him to use deodorant which I am sure he just squirts in the air and he lies about having brushed his teeth. I still lay out his clothes for school and on days off when he chooses his own clothes they rarely match. My twins are also more help and much more mature than there brother and they advise him on the appropriate way to behave all the time. It is hard to stay calm when you are so busy and now with puberty setting in i feel like a screeming banshee alot of the time (as my other post shows). You are not alone remember that everyone of us on here can relate to what you are saying. When the twins start school (next week yippeee) i plan to get some serious organisation into this house and then hopefully things will get better. Lots of hugs be kind to yourself. Joy

[Flora]

I know exactly how you feel <'>

My 16 yo daughter is exactly like this so I know where you're coming from. I'm quite finickety about things and she's the opposite. She has a laundry bin in her room but all her clothes are scattered from when end to the other. She has art projects, course work, makeup, cd's, apple cores, banan skins, sweet wrappers all over her floor. Every so often I blow a gasket and make her tidy it... but she's hopeless at tidying it so I nearly always end up doing it for her (I know I shouldn't).

 

You can actually follow her trail with the apple cores and I find them in the most unlikely places.

 

Teenagers!!!! I can't really complain though... in every other respect she's lovely and has reached the age of 16 without us having any rows.

 

 

Flora

Edited August 26, 2008 by Flora

[Tally]

Harmony, here is a drink for you

 

Maybe you need to focus on one thing at a time. Many people on the autistic spectrum find it hard to follow a list of instructions and cope better with one instruction at a time. I don't know much about ADHD, but I would suspect that it might be even more important in this case. If you can work out some kind of programme where she is given one task (eg. pick up the clothes of the floor), completes it in the allotted time (a short time would enable her to keep focussed on it), and is given a reward (praise, a sweet, time on the computer, pocket money), she may eventually be able to learn this one task and you can then progress to other tasks as well.

 

You say that your 3-year-old needs less care. This indicates that your daughter needs more care than most children her age. You may well be entitled to DLA and carers allowance, which might help if you need to work less hours. The NAS has a special welfare advice phoneline now. You should be able to get the number from their website.

 

As a child I was a terrible mess and my parents used to get very upset at the state of my bedroom. I am much better as an adult. So there is hope.

[darky]

Ok, Harmony have a <'> from me to start! You are not alone! My daughter is the messiest person ever trust me. My daughter also has ADHD as well as ASD.

 

There are several things that have helped. Surprisingly the biggest help was removing the majority of things from her room! Sounds daft I know, but what I did, was I asked her to pick say 7 toys she liked the most and wanted at the time. I took the rest and locked them away. She had a star chart on with a simple check list of small tasks that she could manage that she would earn stars for. For example making her bed, and picking her toys up. On Saturdays, if she had earnt enough stars, she was able to go in the locked box and exchange toys. This worked better than we expected. She actually perfered not to have as many toys in her room, and I guess it made the whole task of tidying up more reasonable in her eyes. The problem with the ADHD side of things is, she will not be able to listen to several instructions or remember them. She will get easily distracted by things and forget what she is supposed to be doing.

 

So the best thing I bought was a timer. I will set her one task and then set the timer. Then count down and give the warning. You have 5 minutes, then 3 minutes etc. At one point I actually had to watch her and direct her until it was done. Now we have been able to gradually increase the number of things she has in her playroom, knowing it is within her limits to tidy it up. My girl is still so messy and prefers to live in chaos rather than tidy, but she has a playroom and it's her mess, I can close the door on it, and now she is expected to tidy it up before bed every day, but we go in once a week and remove the ripped paper and broken bits and give it a good clean then. Like your daughter's room, it really honks most of the time, but we have now hidden a plug in air freshner in there, but one that does not smell of flowers but one that smells of toffee and cookies we bought from a supermarket.

 

Good luck Harmony. It's not easy. <'>

[harmony]

Thank you all for your replies, you are so kind. So fab to know I am not alone in this. I love the timer idea, will get one asap! also good to know their is light at the end of the tunnel Tally.

 

Thanks all

xxx

harmony

xxx

[NobbyNobbs]

i have AS and at 22 i still can't tidy my room (or any other room). the best way i've worked out is to get someone to talk me through it step by step. i start by picking up all clothes and putting them away or in the wash. then i pick up all books and put them away. then clear up rubbish. then i usually get lost because theres lots of little bits that dont fall into any of the above categories. my mom does that bit because i just sit in the middle of it really confused. at least following something like this would give your daughter some control over her room, but means you would be able to get it as clean as you wanted.

 

when i was younger my mom would put everything in bin bags and say i had a day to sort it and put it away or it was going in the bin. this was also strangely helpful because it was removed from my room i could then work through the bag bit by bit and put things where they were meant to be.

 

i wont use a hoover. i hate the noise and have to go to the other end of the house when someone else does it and i wont touch anything dusty because it feels funny on my skin. perhaps finding out any sensory objections your daughter has to cleaning would help too.

[warrenpenalver]

when i was younger my mom would put everything in bin bags and say i had a day to sort it and put it away or it was going in the bin. this was also strangely helpful because it was removed from my room i could then work through the bag bit by bit and put things where they were meant to be.

This is a GREAT idea and worked well with me as a child when i was messy. I was either messy or completely tidy and never between. With me when tidy it is easy as items came out and went back. Then one day i would have to find something and get loads of stuff out then just loose control of it and not know where or how to start putting it away again!!!

 

Im the same now. When in navy it was easy as i moved everywhere on a regular basis with my possessions in manageable sized bags so i would just unpack one bag at a time completely then the next in sequence.

 

Problem i have is once ive got a big mess i just dont know HOW to sort it out. I just get confused what to pick up first and wether i should make piles of subcategories and then what to do with the items that dont fit in my predetermined sub-categories or do i make a new sub-category/pile? is that allowed or not??

 

This is the state of my 2nd bedroom at present: messy room Im stuck and dont know where to start with it!! Everything in this room was packed in boxes so i couldnt follow my simple routine of unpacking one bag at a time as i needed a new routine as it was boxes!! also a big problem is im used to living in one room and now i have lots of rooms seperating out whats normal for bedrooms/lounge/kitchen etc is difficult. Also technically the military stuff is about 60% of everything i own and on base it all had its place in my room where as now it doesnt!!!! I first moved in and had one half wardrobe with civilian clothes, one half with working uniform, then realising i dont need that routine any more!!!!!!! mmmm confusing!!!

[mossgrove]

Harmony

 

There is a lot of good advice in this thread, especially from those work AS.

 

With out eldest DS (10, Aspergers and ADHD) we have a lot of similar problems.

 

In his case it doesn't achieve anything to give a blanket instruction to to tidy his room. After he burst into years once when we tried to co-erce him into it we realised that his simply didn't have the sequencing skills to look at a messy room, break down how it would be tidied into a series of tasks and then perform the tasks in an aoppropriate order. I find this difficult myself and it constantly bewilders me how I can spend an hour tidying a room and achieve less than my wife can in 10 mins!

 

Is your daughter willing to assist you in tidying the room? Initially this may be harder work than doing it yourself but you may be able to establish a routine with her where she finds it easier to do more tidying herself. Removing the amount of things in her room may well help too.

 

Simon

[harmony]

Warren. You are fabulous! To see your room and hear what you say makes me understand my daughter more. I will be more tolerant with her, and together we'll sort it, if not.... well, if she turns out to be as sweet a soul as you, who cares about the room

 

Harmony x

[warrenpenalver]

LOL harmony!! Glad it helped!!

 

Another thing to consider is does she know where everything is?? is everything in a "set" place??

 

On base i had to keep the floor clear otherwise the cleaner would go mad and throw everything on my bed in a huff. Yet my desk sometimes to the untrained eye may look busy /messy yet usually i know where everything is and why its there. But then even the desk would get out of control and id have to clear it all into a tub and sort it so i guess i cant win!!

[warrenpenalver]

He said a while back he was old enough to decide for himself when he needed to bath after 4 days i had to step in and make him have a bath.

Sounds like me when i was growing up!!! My the time i was 16 i showered every day in the morning but that was usually it and then i was cycling to school and going to gym at lunch time so i must have stunk in classes. Not that i noticed!!!

 

he lies about having brushed his teeth.

The only way my mummy could get me to brush properly was making me use those dye tablets that dye plaque and dirt bright pink and making me brush till it was all gone. The only reason i bother now was because they were quite hot on hygiene in navy and the dentist would tell me off plus the girlfriend will get upset if i have bad breath!!!!!

[bid]

Hi Harmony,

 

I have AS and I have huge problems knowing where to start with any kind of task, so I have to approach it a tiny section at a time and not think about it as a whole otherwise I become overwhelmed by the enormity of the task and crippled into inactivity.

 

If I have to tidy or clean a room I pick one small element (with tidying I always start with something simple like putting all the dirty clothes out to be washed, or books back onto the shelves). When i have done the first task, then i allow myself to think about the next task and tackle that.

 

With my AS son when he was little, and one of my NT daughters now, I write a simple numbered list for them to tidy their room (1. Pick up books and put back on shelves, etc) which they tick off as they go. Depending on your daughter's abilities, you could try this or use pictures in the same way. You might need to help or lurk to begin with, but once you have established this as her routine (perhaps at the same time each day/week) you should hopefully be able to leave her to it as much as poss.

 

Good luck <'>

 

Incidentally now my AS son is an adult his room is a festering pit of horror again!

Edited August 27, 2008 by bid

[darky]

Forgot to mention that now we have tubs that are labled with what goes in where. My girl has a dolls house so one tub is marked "dolls house and furniture" with a picture. That way, she knows that her dolls house bits and bobs go in that box. She has another one marked dolls and dolls clothes so she knows that is where her dolls and belongings go. She also has a checklist on her wall, so she can check off what she has done.

[bid]

She also has a checklist on her wall, so she can check off what she has done.

 

You could laminate a checklist so that she could tick it off in felt pen, then wipe it off for next time

 

Bid

[Kathryn]

I hope you had that stiff drink, Harmony! <'>

 

I have the same problem with both my children's bedrooms (and only one of them has AS - so is it partly a childhood thing? ). Actually I'm a bit messy myself and find it difficult to teach my children good habits - it's like the blind leading the blind.

 

L's bedroom was really cluttered but she's been much tidier sonce we had a big clear out. Now the floor and surfaces are empty she can see at a glance on a daily basis what's out of place and what needs to be put away and the task of tidying up is much more manageable.

 

I haven't tried this myself but I remember reading or hearing somewhere that it's a good idea for a child with AS, to take a photo of the room when it's tidy and put it up as a visual remimder of what the end result should be.

 

Good luck - I hope you manage to sort this.

 

K x

[harmony]

I hope you had that stiff drink, Harmony! <'>

 

I have the same problem with both my children's bedrooms (and only one of them has AS - so is it partly a childhood thing? ). Actually I'm a bit messy myself and find it difficult to teach my children good habits - it's like the blind leading the blind.

 

L's bedroom was really cluttered but she's been much tidier sonce we had a big clear out. Now the floor and surfaces are empty she can see at a glance on a daily basis what's out of place and what needs to be put away and the task of tidying up is much more manageable.

 

I haven't tried this myself but I remember reading or hearing somewhere that it's a good idea for a child with AS, to take a photo of the room when it's tidy and put it up as a visual remimder of what the end result should be.

 

Good luck - I hope you manage to sort this.

 

K x

 

Yep, I had a big G and T, feel much better today, It is good to know we are all in the same boat. thanks so much

 

harmony xxx

[jo4themo]

Hi Harmony

I sympathise with you - N (AS) is 9 and shares her room with her younger NT sister. Her sister is quite a tidy child - makes her bed every morning, puts her toys away most of the time without asking (and always if asked) whereas N's side of the room is a tip! A normal scene is an unmade bed with books strewn all over, more books on the floor, various bit os knex and lego everywhere...etc. I tidy it up, but things where they should be and get rid of rubbish, but within a day (2 at the most) it's a pigsty again! Also, trying to get her to tidy up is nigh on impossible as I will ask her and she either gets in a tizz with me or 20 minutes later is sat there reading whilst her room looks the same.

[loulou]

Hi,

 

My son is 10 and has AS and ADHD. His room is a total pig sty. He told me he likes it messy because he knows where everything is ( ). He has become increasingly hostile to me tidying it up. In fact the last two times i have tidied it, he's kicked off big time and physically attacked me and then trashed the place. He's put post-it notes all over his door saying "Do not tidy" and "Do not make my room horrible by tidying it".

 

I've tried to get him to tidy it with me, but he's not having any of it. At the moment i'm in a no-win situation, so i have shut the door and given up!

 

loulou xx