May have reason for DS1 stress levels

[joybed]

AS you know from other threads we have been having problems with Ds1 behaviour for the last year. He appeared to be coping everywhere but at home, school said they were having no problems, my parents having no problems but at home mega stressed and major meltdowns. I am not so sure everything is Ok at school though and maybe this is the reason for his stress. The other night we were reading a stroy and he said he didn,t want to go back to school He is just about to start year 8 in mainstream comp. I asked him why and he said he wasn,t coping with it, he felt stressed all day, got frightened when moving from class to class. Wanted to be left alone at breaktime and wasn,t given space to be alone he said he asks people to leave him alone but then they pick on him for wanting to be alone. He said the only lessons he likes are maths and IT and doesn,t understand anything in the other classes at all so he just sits and does nothing. He says he starts to try to listen but quickly loses the plot so switches off he then gets bored refuses to work and becomes silly so gets sent out of class. School have told me none of this and have said he is doing very well. He said to me that his LSA said she didn,t want to work with him next year as he didn,t cooperate. Having heard all this I am not surprised he is so stressed at home.

On top of this i have been so busy with the little ones (twins age 4) I now realise he has been pushed out a bit for the last 4 years feel really guilty about this and i am trying to schedule in some time just for us but not easy as DH is around very little and have virtually no family support.

I am waiting for the school SENCO to get back to me to tell her all this and ask why i wasn,t informed there was a problem.

To make matters worse they are back to school tomorrow and i am on nights tonight so he will have to get himself up and ready with Dh overseeing(recipe for disaster). I have a term time contract and it is my 1st night back so can,t ring in for a sickday or anything.

Anytips on helping him cope we have had a long chat about the problems but basically he just hates school. We briefly chatted about ASD schools but he doesn,t really want to go there either. Ideally he is wanting to be home educated but I work shifts and wouldn,t have the knowledge or the patience. Will speak to the SPED team tomorrow also anything else I can do.

Edited September 1, 2008 by joybed

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I don't know what to advise. This is a horrible situation to be in. My son is early 7 and is in mainstream. Exactly the same scenario, school are saying everything is great, but at home things are very different. On top of that, just found out that my son has received the 25 hours support that I'd told he'd been receiving over the past two years! The support was shared between another two kids, so in my book he's only received 8 hours. I've therefore have no trust (or confidence, that comes with trust) in the school. Problem is, I don't know what to do about it. I could make a real enemy of the HT, but for fear or my son losing out in terms of support worries me a great deal. I feel helpless. Guess we can only closely monitor the situation and if/when it becomes too much to bear, take action.

 

Caroline.

[Cat]

I am answering this as a home educator here who did give up and leave the system.

 

First of all 'I' would be tempted to let tomorrow come and go and not let my son return until I had had a sit down meeting with school in an attempt to sort some of the things that are troubling your son out. Your son might not be well tomorrow which would be a shame seeing as it is the first day of term but these things happen. Now that your son has opened up to you it is important that he knows that you are trying to do something to help him. I think that the LSA is well out of order and would be most un-happy with their attitude. I have long since held the belief that if the environment is not right it will disable the child's ability to learn. Clearly the stressor of school are not making it possible for your son to 'tune in' in lessons that he does not enjoy or understand. With a little throught and effort on behalf of the school they 'could' turn this around if they wanted to. How difficult it can it be to give your son a quiet space during breaks and lunch so that he has somewhere to regain his inner self?

 

Cat

[bikemad]

Another here school say all is fine n it isnt..they even told me one thing n the cahms n ot peeps another!!!!! My lad also wants to be home educated but I know ive not got the patience. Not sure what to advise but didnt want to read n run. <'>

[Cat]

Home ed is not meant to be school at home. My patience increased by 1000% when the stress of school was removed from our lives. I am not suggesting that home ed is for everyone but it is not what some people imagine it to be. There is quite a good quote re home ed which sums it as far as I am concerned 'School is a building - Education is whereever we are' we are learning all of the time and just because we are not in a classroom does not mean that we are not learning, in fact for some kids with ASD the classroom disabled their learning. I will shut up now

 

Cat

[joybed]

How does home ed work with regards to exams. i know they are not the be all and end all but how does it effect their future prspects if they have no GCSEs. M is capable (or so I am told ) of achieving a good pass at GCSE level and possibly going on to University. However he will achieve nothing if things don,t sort themselves out. He bagan to get bored in year 5 and played up a bit and I looked round an ASD unit and the head their put me of saying M sounded far too able to go their. He also said though that it depended if I was more bothered by GCSE results or being able to function in society. In year 6 things settled down again thanks to a fantastic teacher and LSAs who really encouraged M. Of course i want him to function in society but would like a decent standard of education as well (am I asking too much). The main problem is he has gone from a tiny primary to a fairly big comp (1 class in each year group now there is 6) they also have to move themselves from class to class and he just cannot organise himself enough to do this. I really don,t want to send him tomorrow but feel if i keep him at home I will never get him back because that is how he is. Will it ever get easier.

[Diane]

Hi Joybed,

 

I do not know what to advise but just wanted to say I know how frustrated you feel with school.

My son hates school and we have part-time schooling in place. School just don't seem to understand the problems I have at home are because of school. They keep telling me he is not a problem.

Even with the support of inclusive resource and clinical psychologist school still don't get it!

My son is starting year 10 on Wednesday if I can get him to go. If he wants to go i will let him if he does not then I will let him stay at home.

 

If anyone out there does know how to get schools to listen and understand, please share with us here.

 

<'> >< <'>

 

Diane

[joybed]

Hi spoke to SENCO yesterday who assured me there are no problems. If he was being as disruptive as he says she would certainly have been told and he would have been put in detention and i would have been informed of the problem. She said that he was very popular at school and everyone was looking froward to having him back at school. She said the LSAs fall out about who was supporting him and his year tutor had requested she kept him (I wish they could see him at home). I passed all this onto M and he admittted he had exagerated about the chaos he causes in class . He appeared a little happier when I left for work hope this continues. In fairness he has been quite calm this last few days but I have been treading on eggshells trying to keep such.

The one strange thing the SENCO said is I explained about him wanting to be alone at breaks and she starting hatching a plan to introduce him to a girl in year 10 what don,t they get about him wanting to be alone.

hopefully he will go this week and get back into a routine and with more input from me we may keep him calm. (watch out for the flying pig).

[Flora]

I had this for years with Bill.

 

From reception to the start of year 4 we lived up north and the school he was at were fantastic. It was his school who set the ball rolling for dx, and they pulled no punches about the problems they were having with him at school, and were very sympathetic about the problems I was having with him at home. He was dx when he was in year 3, and I worked for months getting him to understand that it was ok for him to let all the stress out when he got home but to try his best to hold it in when he was at school. He and I paid for this bit of behaviour management for years and years after we moved

 

His primary school where we live now were unutterably stubborn and insisted he had NO problems, and as such it was only during the last term of year 6 that they paid any lip service to 'reasonable adjustment'. The result being that his anxiety and stress made him very depressed and he was signed off sick for the last few weeks of primary.

 

Secondary school made some big adjustments for his transition; half day time-table and full time 1-1 TA. It was too late though and he just could not cope with the busy and noisy bustle of mainstreams secondary school. He's now, after a massive and long fight with the LA, in an independent resi AS special school.

 

I have no idea how you get the school/authorities to listen. I still don't think they ever did with us. It was just a case for me of keeping a paper trail of evidence and one or two people who were sort of on our side. I say sort of on our side because while they agreed that Bill should not be in mainstream school, they weren't willing to stick their head above the parapet and say so to the decision makers.

 

Good luck to you all having these sort of problems. It's horribly frustrating. Just make sure you record everything and keep copies of letters. Also keep a diary of your child's reactions to school so that you have something tangible to refer back to during meetings etc.

 

Flora

[jo jones]

we have the same problem with school,,,,,they have said previously that he is a model pupil????????????,,even though his school report now states he does not concentrate and does not finish tasks,,also he is the class chatterbox!!!!!!! this was why they couldnt dx adhd,,,,,different story now though cos i took the report to his app with paed ,,and also vids of him on a mad one iukwim,,,and now he has to be reassessed,,and she has written to his new teacher and asked for her to give info after he settles in to the new year,,,,

[BusyLizzie100]

I passed all this onto M and he admittted he had exagerated about the chaos he causes in class . He appeared a little happier when I left for work hope this continues. In fairness he has been quite calm this last few days but I have been treading on eggshells trying to keep such.

 

 

I know how you feel! I have put up with tears, swearing, hitting, all sorts of horrible behaviour in the run-up to going back to school, and today what happens? They both just skipped in as if nothing happened. Meanwhile, I am in shreds, a nervous wreck! I wonder if it's the calm before the storm... don't want to be a pessimist but just being realistic...

 

Flora, I can see us following in your footseps.

 

Lizzie x

[bikemad]

we have the same problem with school,,,,,they have said previously that he is a model pupil????????????,,even though his school report now states he does not concentrate and does not finish tasks,,also he is the class chatterbox!!!!!!! this was why they couldnt dx adhd,,,,,different story now though cos i took the report to his app with paed ,,and also vids of him on a mad one iukwim,,,and now he has to be reassessed,,and she has written to his new teacher and asked for her to give info after he settles in to the new year,,,,

 

My ds's school did the same so I took the school report in n the cahms guy could see the school were telling him porkies then.

[Zosmum]

Are all schools the same?????

I was told Z was doing well settling in last year (Ha!Ha!) That soon got blown out of the water

The SENCO told us that Z wasn't to bad as she doesn't sit rocking back and forth drooling

She hates school, the teachers, the TA's in fact everything to the extent that we often get refusals to even try to go

They just don't seem to listen

 

Do the schools seem to just want the extra funding and aren't bothered about the kids or what?

[Cat]

How does home ed work with regards to exams. i know they are not the be all and end all but how does it effect their future prspects if they have no GCSEs. M is capable (or so I am told ) of achieving a good pass at GCSE level and possibly going on to University.

 

Lots of home educated children sit exams and get very good results. There are several lists where you could get advice about this should you want it.

 

I am not really a very good person to give out advice re schools because although I fully understand that qualifications are very necessary in the real world I also know that there are approx 12% of the autistic adult population currently in 'some' kind of employment. That does not necessarily mean full time employment and yes that figure does include those adults with AS. I personally know more than a handful of adults with AS who have not only a degree but a master's degree who are unable to find employment. My own belief is (and again I am fully aware that I am something of a radical free thinker) that unless we build the bricks effectively with our children and give them the skills they will require to enable them to become successfully employed ie social skills, confidence, understanding their own and other people's emotions, effective communication skills all of the qualifications in the world will be off little use to them. I know that some schools are teaching these things to our children but I personally do not know any of the mainstream schools out there that are teaching this things to our children. It is all too often about the child wrapping around the school as opposed to the school wrapping around and making adjustments for the child.

 

Best get off the soap box now

 

Cat

Edited September 2, 2008 by Cat

[BusyLizzie100]

My own belief is (and again I am fully aware that I am something of a radical free thinker) that unless we build the bricks effectively with our children and give them the skills they will require to enable them to become successfully employed ie social skills, confidence, understanding their own and other people's emotions, effective communication skills all of the qualifications in the world will be off little use to them. I know that some schools are teaching these things to our children but I personally do not know any of the mainstream schools out there that are teaching this things to our children. It is all too often about the child wrapping around the school as opposed to the school wrapping around and making adjustments for the child.

 

Best get off the soap box now

 

Cat

 

Cat, I agree with you. Any room on that soap box??

 

Lizzie x

[julieann]

Joybed,

Speaking as LSA to student in yr10 and parent of son A/S 19 when the school say the pupil is coping they mean not causing to many problems for them. The effort of a pupil on the spectrum trying to keep it all together at school is exhausting and has to give somewhere. Usually at the end of a very long tiring day. Which just happens to be at home, the place they feel safest in.

 

Slightly off subject but my yr 10 girl with A/S, dyspraxia and other learning difficulties was given her new year 10 locker today. It is a combination locker. The instuctions are :

1. To open turn right 3 times

2. Stop at the 1st number (33)

3. Turn left one full turn passing the 1st number (33) to stop at the 2nd number (13)

4. Turn right to the 3rd number (35), continue turning until the dial stops

5. Locker door will open and close freely.

 

Julieann

[joybed]

That would be enough to confuse me Julieann never mind an ASD child. M never uses his locker he couldnt be bothered with unlocking it and has now bent the key. He just leaves everything lying around the cloakroom and then wonders why they get removed. He has lost so many things i dare not tell DH.

He has been quite calm recently possibly because I have really taken the time to explain everything to him and be very patient. Only one incident arose when i attempted to put peas on his plate and he had a meltdown but very good for a school week. Infact we were suppoed to be going swimming tonight but I had forgotten DH was working so had to cancel was worrried most of the day about telling him but when I did he just said "Oh well we will go another time it is not the end of the world". i was so shocked i asked him what he had done with Marcus. He of course didn,t understand this sarcasm so I had to explain to which he said I am not going to have tantrums anymore because they upset you and don,t do any good he then added he may have to have a few . hopefully he means it watch this space.