Saying Hello and asking a few questions

[Retreat]

Hi everyone, I have only just come on here tonight, only read one or two posts.

 

I wonder if anyone can tell me how many people in one family can have aspergers or be on the spectrum?

 

I have had problems myself for years. I met someone from the Autistic Trust local to me who made an informal assessment on me and it looks as though it all indicates that I have been walking around for over 50 years with Aspergers without realising it. I've been doing a lot of reading and I realise now that it is not uncommon for women of my age to go undiagnosed. It has hit me very much with mixed feelings, I thought I would just feel relief, now I feel very angry too. I have been on anti depressants for the best part of 12 years, recently decided to quit them, it's took me a year to do this. I know that some of my mood swings may be down to withdrawal, but I am wondering how much of it is really me? I know I used to get like this before taking the tablets. I used to blame it on PMT.

 

I have only just explored the idea of Aspergers due to the fact that all my children have had problems and now my youngest aged 14 has severe problems and has not been at school for the last 2 years due to severe bullying.

 

My eldest had allsorts of problems when he was growing up and he is now 34 years old. He was diagnosed about 18 months ago with bipolar disorder. I'm now wondering if they have this right.

My daughter who is 33 has also had problems which include social phobia and aneorexia.

 

Can anybody tell me if they think all of this could be related. Related to the spectrum? I do have autism in the family, my cousins son is severly autistic and is not capable of self care at all.

 

I am now in the process of trying to get help for my 14year old. Camhs are involved and are beginning to take me seriously, I think.

 

I have always found life difficult as a parent and wife. There have been many conflicts within the relationships and I can no longer work because of stress and anxiety, both my son and myself have virtually withdrawn from the world. I do go out but it is minimal and only with my husband. I am in counselling but it is group therapy which was arranged before I discovered Aspergers about myself. I am finding group therapy very difficult and often feel it hard to keep my emotions intact.

 

Any help or advice or just a friendly hello would be very much appreciated as I am in the process of turmoil and transition at the moment and desperately need a friend who understands. I look forward hopefully to your replies. Thanks and regards and best wishes ~ Retreat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[chris54]

It was only when my son (8) was diagnosed early this year that it dawned on my that I have AS.

Never had any serious mental health Problems, but looking back I have always thought that I was an outsider and did not fit in. And I think it limited my choices in life. Probably why I didnt get married until I was 43, and have never felt that I was running at full potential.

 

I also thing that my 2 stepchildren aged 19 and 21 have AS to some degree.

[Retreat]

It was only when my son (8) was diagnosed early this year that it dawned on my that I have AS.

Never had any serious mental health Problems, but looking back I have always thought that I was an outsider and did not fit in. And I think it limited my choices in life. Probably why I didnt get married until I was 43, and have never felt that I was running at full potential.

 

I also thing that my 2 stepchildren aged 19 and 21 have AS to some degree.

 

Thanks Chris,

The more I speak to people the more I realise how many of us there are. Do you or anyone else think the reason for this silent epidemic is due to the services being unwilling to help so many? It seems to me that everyone in the mental health services tries not to 'label' this is all I have heard, or it's too early to diagnose. I am keeping my fingers crossed when it comes to what i think is a breakthrough recently but I must admit to feeling very unsure as only a couple of weeks ago I had resistance on this matter.

So Chris, have you found your relationships difficult, if you don't mind my asking? I certainly have. I wonder how many others like myself have struggled with relationships. Well, thanks for the friendly reply Chris. It would be nice to hear other's views too. ~ Retreat

[aspiesrule]

Hi Retreat,

 

Welcome to the forum <'>

 

I don't think there are any limits of number of people in one family who can be affected by the autistic spectrum and similar neurological disorders. Since discovering my son has Aspergers about 6 years ago, I have researched it extensively and can see some aspects of it in myself (social difficulties - I was always on the "edge" of friendships, anxiety/depression (medicated), dislike of change etc) and I am convinced my father had it as well. My neice was diagnosed bipolar at age 18, my sisters grandson has OCD/AS-like symptoms but has not yet had a formal diagnosis, and my sister has some aspects of paranoid personality disorder. Sound like a right bunch, don't we! But my feeling is that all these things could be linked in some way, but I am no expert. Press on with the help for your son, he may get some benefit. For the older ones, including yourself, maybe just an explanation of why things have been difficult in the past might give you some comfort, I know I felt better in myself knowing things hadn't been my fault and that I wasn't a bad person, just misunderstood! There is definitely a lot more understanding and acceptance of AS now than there used to be when we were young (I'm not quite 50 yet, but not far off)

 

I have found great strength and comfort from knowing how much I have helped my son. I feel I can see things from his point of view and help him to deal with others (to a limited degree, as my social difficulties don't help)

 

I do think the "system" doesn't go out of its way to help, especially if you do help the kids a lot yourself. My son has not had any intervention at all, but he usually "appears" normal to others and I must say his schools have been fab.

 

Next year is the big move to senior school though, so watch this space!

 

Anyway, I wish you luck gaining support and understanding with your son, and hope you find inner peace.

 

Best wishes,

 

Cheryl

[Retreat]

Hi Retreat,

 

Welcome to the forum <'>

 

I don't think there are any limits of number of people in one family who can be affected by the autistic spectrum and similar neurological disorders. Since discovering my son has Aspergers about 6 years ago, I have researched it extensively and can see some aspects of it in myself (social difficulties - I was always on the "edge" of friendships, anxiety/depression (medicated), dislike of change etc) and I am convinced my father had it as well. My neice was diagnosed bipolar at age 18, my sisters grandson has OCD/AS-like symptoms but has not yet had a formal diagnosis, and my sister has some aspects of paranoid personality disorder. Sound like a right bunch, don't we! But my feeling is that all these things could be linked in some way, but I am no expert. Press on with the help for your son, he may get some benefit. For the older ones, including yourself, maybe just an explanation of why things have been difficult in the past might give you some comfort, I know I felt better in myself knowing things hadn't been my fault and that I wasn't a bad person, just misunderstood! There is definitely a lot more understanding and acceptance of AS now than there used to be when we were young (I'm not quite 50 yet, but not far off)

 

I have found great strength and comfort from knowing how much I have helped my son. I feel I can see things from his point of view and help him to deal with others (to a limited degree, as my social difficulties don't help)

 

I do think the "system" doesn't go out of its way to help, especially if you do help the kids a lot yourself. My son has not had any intervention at all, but he usually "appears" normal to others and I must say his schools have been fab.

 

Next year is the big move to senior school though, so watch this space!

 

Anyway, I wish you luck gaining support and understanding with your son, and hope you find inner peace.

 

Best wishes,

 

Cheryl

Thank you so much for your very honest, frank and kind reply Cheryl, it helps to know that I am not alone on this journey. My son had difficulties at Primary but boy I didn't expect what would happen when he got to Secondary School. It completely crushed him and I do believe that if I hadn't taken him out when I did he would have been scarred for life, if he isn't already!

 

Believe it or not, I used to teach in my son's old secondary school up north, but back then I was still on medication; it's hard to recognise the person I was back then. The medication helped to control my nerves a little but I was still not right and I ended up having a break down. Stress is a killer, I believe, especially to Aspies.

 

Well, the problem began with my son when we moved back down south, the culture is so different down here. My husband and I came from the south originally so we didn't think that it would be so bad, but during the years that we have been away it has changed beyond all recognition. The schools in this part of the south are like very unfriendly jungles and that is putting it politely.

 

My son came home with bruises after being bitten! and talked of being set upon by other children, three at a time! This happened in the classroom as well as in the playground! Where were the teachers, whilst all this was happening? The school, in my opinion needs closing down. It's like gang warfare, and I am not joking. The headteacher I found to be very ignorant, as an ex teacher myself I really didn't expect to find all this down here. I never told them that I used to teach and so I saw it all as any other parent would. The school was on the list for closure if they didn't raise their results, that sounds so funny when I say this after all we encountered. Results! results? huh, what do these matter when children are suffering? Sorry, but it makes me see red.

 

I will never regret taking my son out of school and I would urge others to do the same if this sort of thing happens to them. I never took my eldest out, when I look back I do believe he would have been so much better off. I suppose, with age comes some experience.

 

Anyway, I have rambled for too long about this but I am so glad to be speaking with others on this forum, I don't feel so alone. Thanks again for your reply Cheryl. Cheers ~ Retreat

[something_different]

I think that it is a common thing for ASD to 'run' in families.

 

 

hopefully camhs will be able to offer more support to you and your son.

 

 

nice to meet you!

 

 

I think their are a lot of un diagnosed aspies around, many who don't know anything about AS or who feel unable to or don't feel the need to seek a formal dx.

 

[Retreat]

I think that it is a common thing for ASD to 'run' in families.

 

 

hopefully camhs will be able to offer more support to you and your son.

 

 

nice to meet you!

 

 

I think their are a lot of un diagnosed aspies around, many who don't know anything about AS or who feel unable to or don't feel the need to seek a formal dx.

 

Thanks for saying hi, nice to meet you too. It's good to know that I am not alone in all this, the planet is a big place and to be the only one would be torment. So thanks for connecting with me. It is good to hear what others are saying too. so I don't feel as though I am going crazy. Cheers ~ Retreat

[Clare63]

Hiya Retreat,

 

I am so pleased you have found the forum I am sure you'll find lots of support and answers here.

 

Clare x x x

[Tally]

Hi Retreat, and welcome to the forum.

 

I too did not learn about Asperger's until adulthood and was finally diagnosed last year aged 25. AS wasn't known about until very recently and was only considered a formal diagnosis from 1994. Even now there is still far too little understanding of it and many women do not meet the stereotypes anyway. Depression is common in AS, so that may not be an inappropriate diagnosis.

 

Bipolar is another condition which is very complex, poorly understood and difficult to diagnose accurately. It seems to be a diagnosis thrown about far too freely. It is very possible that your son's diagnosis is inaccurate. How does he feel about the diagnosis? Has the diagnosis led to appropriate support and medication - is he doing better now? It's also possible that he has both Asperger's AND bipolar disorder.

 

Mental health problems in AS are extremely common, and seem most common in people who have grown up without diagnosis. Social phobia can stem from genuine social difficulties associated with AS.

 

You might find Cognitive Behavioural Therapy more appropriate than group therapy. It doesn't involve going deeply into your emotions in the same way as other therapies do, but still provides you with practical ways of dealing with things.

 

The possibility that you have Asperger's is a major thing to come to terms with, and you also have many other things to occupy your mind at the moment as well.

 

Anyway, I hope we can help you see things more clearly

[Retreat]

Hi Retreat, and welcome to the forum.

 

I too did not learn about Asperger's until adulthood and was finally diagnosed last year aged 25. AS wasn't known about until very recently and was only considered a formal diagnosis from 1994. Even now there is still far too little understanding of it and many women do not meet the stereotypes anyway. Depression is common in AS, so that may not be an inappropriate diagnosis.

 

Bipolar is another condition which is very complex, poorly understood and difficult to diagnose accurately. It seems to be a diagnosis thrown about far too freely. It is very possible that your son's diagnosis is inaccurate. How does he feel about the diagnosis? Has the diagnosis led to appropriate support and medication - is he doing better now? It's also possible that he has both Asperger's AND bipolar disorder.

 

Mental health problems in AS are extremely common, and seem most common in people who have grown up without diagnosis. Social phobia can stem from genuine social difficulties associated with AS.

 

You might find Cognitive Behavioural Therapy more appropriate than group therapy. It doesn't involve going deeply into your emotions in the same way as other therapies do, but still provides you with practical ways of dealing with things.

 

The possibility that you have Asperger's is a major thing to come to terms with, and you also have many other things to occupy your mind at the moment as well.

 

Anyway, I hope we can help you see things more clearly

 

Hi Tally,

Thanks for your advice, it is most welcomed. The more I read about this condition the more I realise that this is exactly the problem, that there is not enough known about it. There are the stereotyped ideas of what it is, yes, when I was teaching I thought that I knew what Aspergers was all about. I thought I could almost recognise it in others. This seems crazy now, how can I recognise it in others and not myself? This is the big question. Now I am in the most unfavourable situation where I feel I am trying to reinvent myself as a person. I don't know who I am. My whole perception of the world has schewed.

It has been more obvious to me because of coming off these tablets after 12 years. Suddenly I have come face to face with this person from over a decade ago! It has been a very scary journey, after all I have lived more than half a lifetime with this condition and I am still finding it so hard. I am trying to juggle all sorts of feelings and I also have a very unhappy family, the youngest who is still suffering.

I have been through cognitive behavioural therapy a few years ago and although I have seen some of it's benefits, it was obviously not aimed at someone with Aspergers, if you know what I mean. Its ok to tell someone who has depression that they are seeing most of the world in a negative way but if in the same therapy you are told to dismiss your feelings that tell you that others see you differently then how does that work? It really is peculiar because CBT presumes that the depressed person is a negative person, I have never really considered myself to be negative even though I get depressed. I am however a person who ruminates and that is something that I have to work on; how you are meant to do that when you are trying to work out all these issues, goodness only knows but I will try.

Now it all seems clear to me why I have so few friends I used to blame it on moving around a lot, I used to keep in touch via the telephone once or twice a year with very old friends, but now I have come back home I have realised that my friends all have their own lives and have very little interest in mine. It can be a very lonely life when you have this condition, I wonder how many others feel this way?

Well, thanks again for your advice, I do appreciate all replies, especially at the moment! Cheers ~ Retreat

Hi Retreat, and welcome to the forum.

 

I too did not learn about Asperger's until adulthood and was finally diagnosed last year aged 25. AS wasn't known about until very recently and was only considered a formal diagnosis from 1994. Even now there is still far too little understanding of it and many women do not meet the stereotypes anyway. Depression is common in AS, so that may not be an inappropriate diagnosis.

 

Bipolar is another condition which is very complex, poorly understood and difficult to diagnose accurately. It seems to be a diagnosis thrown about far too freely. It is very possible that your son's diagnosis is inaccurate. How does he feel about the diagnosis? Has the diagnosis led to appropriate support and medication - is he doing better now? It's also possible that he has both Asperger's AND bipolar disorder.

 

Mental health problems in AS are extremely common, and seem most common in people who have grown up without diagnosis. Social phobia can stem from genuine social difficulties associated with AS.

 

You might find Cognitive Behavioural Therapy more appropriate than group therapy. It doesn't involve going deeply into your emotions in the same way as other therapies do, but still provides you with practical ways of dealing with things.

 

The possibility that you have Asperger's is a major thing to come to terms with, and you also have many other things to occupy your mind at the moment as well.

 

Anyway, I hope we can help you see things more clearly

 

Hi Tally,

Thanks for your advice, it is most welcomed. The more I read about this condition the more I realise that this is exactly the problem, that there is not enough known about it. There are the stereotyped ideas of what it is, yes, when I was teaching I thought that I knew what Aspergers was all about. I thought I could almost recognise it in others. This seems crazy now, how can I recognise it in others and not myself? This is the big question. Now I am in the most unfavourable situation where I feel I am trying to reinvent myself as a person. I don't know who I am. My whole perception of the world has schewed. It has been more obvious to me because of coming off these tablets after 12 years. Suddenly I have come face to face with this person from over a decade ago! It has been a very scary journey, after all I have lived more than half a lifetime with this condition and I am still finding it so hard. I am trying to juggle all sorts of feelings and I also have a very unhappy family, the youngest who is still suffering.

I have been through cognitive behavioural therapy a few years ago and although I have seen some of it's benefits, it was obviously not aimed at someone with Aspergers, if you know what I mean. Its ok to tell someone who has depression that they are seeing most of the world in a negative way but if in the same therapy you are told to dismiss your feelings that tell you that others see you differently then how does that work. It really is peculiar because CBT presumes that the depressed person is a negative person, I have never really considered myself to be negative even though I get depressed. I am however a person who ruminates and that is something that I have to work on; how you are meant to do that when you are trying to work out all these issues, goodness only knows but I will try.

Now it all seems clear to me why I have so few friends I used to blame it on moving around a lot, I used to keep in touch via the telephone once or twice a year with very old friends, but now I have come back home I have realised that my friends all have their own lives and have very little interest in mine.

[bid]

Hi Retreat, and welcome to the forum

 

I'm another woman, diagnosed last year with AS at the age of 41!

 

You might like to read Women From Another Planet? edited by Jean Kearns Miller. It's a collection of things written by women with ASD.

 

Bid

 

 

[Retreat]

Hi Retreat, and welcome to the forum

 

I'm another woman, diagnosed last year with AS at the age of 41!

 

You might like to read Women From Another Planet? edited by Jean Kearns Miller. It's a collection of things written by women with ASD.

 

Bid

 

Hi Bid,

Thanks for your recommendation. I have just popped over to my library online to order it. It isn't in there stocks but I have been able to put in a suggestion and it says they will let me know when it arrives. I am obviously doing a lot of reading around the subject at present and I am half way through Tony Attwoods complete guide.

 

As another Women, how have you found your relationships, if you don't mind my asking. Or indeed if any other women out there would like to tell me how they have found it. As a wife and mother I have found that my life has been a constant roller coaster of emotions and conflict. The worst of it is the self doubt. What do others think about this? Have you found being a parent hard?

 

I'd be very interested to know, also, do you think it is hard/harder being a parent with AS and also parenting a child with AS. Sometimes I find it easier to understand my children and sometimes I feel that my husband just doesn't understand any of us. All replies to these questions would be appreciated. I just want to get a feel for what causes all my problems, whether it is the AS or whether it is just life?

 

If I haven't said it already, it is great to be part of this very friendly forum and thanks everyone who has replied already. Cheers ~ Retreat.

[bid]

As a wife and mother I have found that my life has been a constant roller coaster of emotions and conflict. The worst of it is the self doubt. What do others think about this? Have you found being a parent hard?

 

TBH, I have always struggled with almost constant feelings of failure.

 

Bid

Edited November 3, 2008 by bid

[Flora]

I'd be very interested to know, also, do you think it is hard/harder being a parent with AS and also parenting a child with AS. Sometimes I find it easier to understand my children and sometimes I feel that my husband just doesn't understand any of us. All replies to these questions would be appreciated. I just want to get a feel for what causes all my problems, whether it is the AS or whether it is just life?

 

Hi

 

The above paragraph is something I am interested in. I've often find that I have very good empathy with my kids, but particularly with my 14 yo who has AS. Because of this I used to think that would put me outside the criteria for an AS dx and said so to a well known expert when I was in dialogue with him. He told me that he believed that people with AS can make excellent parents because they are very tuned in to the problems young people might be facing; their experiences can make them more understanding and sympathetic towards the problems our youngsters can face, and in particular if our kids are autistic. Another thing I've found is that I have a very strong sense of what is fair, and I recognise the importance of fair play, which is always much appreciated by youngsters who tend to get very upset when they perceive things as 'unfair'. Sorry this is a very small snapshot of what I want to say, but to avoid waffling on I haven't gone into much detail, hope it makes sense though.

 

Flora

 

 

[Tally]

Hi Retreat,

 

It's funny when you said you thought you knew about Asperger's as a teacher. My mum thought the same, but never made the connection that I have AS, and my dad and her brother probably do also. Since I got my diagnosis she has read more about it and it makes more sense to her now. She even showed me a newspaper article about AS once and jokingly showed it to me saying, "I think this must be what Dad has," but I didn't see anything of myself in the article and neither did she.

 

The problem with Asperger's AND depression is that many aspects of how you view yourself have a basis in reality. For example, I believed I was a horrible person because no one likes me. Now it is true that people don't warm to me, but the reasons are different. Understanding those reasons has been really empowering and now I am left with the choice of carrying on the way I am and accept that I am going to have no friends, or look at things I can do to change people's impressions for long enough to get to know me and that I am actually an OK person. It's not about changing my personality or duping people; it's little things like smiling and saying hello when someone approaches me instead of looking like I don't want to talk to them - this is actually a MORE honest response because it tells them that I want to talk to them. CBT is about getting a REALISTIC view of things, and I am fortunate enough to be getting CBT from a therapist who actually knows about AS and the real difficulties it creates, and who can make suggestions for me like this. A therapist who was trying to convince me that I am nice and people like me really would be no good because that wouldn't be a realistic thing to believe. In short, you have been focussing on the wrong things

 

I think that a certain level of rumination is necessary when trying to come to terms with the possibility that you have AS. It is a major thing! Going over and over the same things is perhaps not productive, but sometimes it is the only way. Reading as much as you can and talking to other adults with AS is probably the best way forward.

 

I also feel that it can be a lonely life because I am also struggling to make friends. Recently I heard that my oldest friend had bought a flat with her partner, and this year was the first year she did not send me a birthday card. I was really upset at first because I thought she was my friend and felt slighted. But now I realise that it is actually a long time since we saw each other and she is getting on with her life, and that it is normal to drift apart when you have less and less in common. I think that the answer is developing the skills to start friendships, because I can maintain friendships with people I see regularly.

 

Relationships are really confusing to me. Because I cannot tell when a person is interested in me (and tend to assume no one would be and am afraid to risk my feelings by going after someone who is not interested), I don't know until it is blindingly obvious to everyone in the whole world. This means I need someone who is very persistent, which means I have tended to end up with creepy stalkerish types. I lived with my ex for 5 years and didn't realise that the level of monitoring he subjected me to was abnormal (nor did I realise the extent of it, and thought I was going crazy with paranoia and so did everyone else until I found proof). I put up with a lot of shoddy treatment because I didn't realise it was unusual - he told me this was normal and I didn't really have anyone else I could ask. He did nice things for me and I thought that made him a nice person, but the nice things were the facade for the bad stuff. My only friendships were facilitated by him, and my dependency on him left me wide open to abuse.

 

I think I will struggle to form another relationship now, because I understand where I went wrong last time, but haven't yet worked out how to get it right. I don't think I could ever have a 'normal' relationship because I need my own space and time alone. That doesn't mean I cannot have a relationship, it just means I need someone compatible, which may limit my options somewhat. My ex had to work away from home a lot and spent a lot of time in the pub, and that was ideal for me. I would need someone who is independent and has his own interests (other than alcoholism) that he doesn't need to involve me in, so that I can do the same. Sharing my home again would be difficult and I could easily feel intruded upon.

 

I think it is common in relationships to feel that your partner does not understand you. It is difficult for men and women to understand each other as we are different from each other. It would also be difficult for two people from different cultures to understand each other. It could help if your husband wants to learn about AS and understand why you are different. The same will also help you to see how you are different from your husband. In time, you will both be able to meet in the middle and understand each other a lot better.

[Retreat]

Hi

 

The above paragraph is something I am interested in. I've often find that I have very good empathy with my kids, but particularly with my 14 yo who has AS. Because of this I used to think that would put me outside the criteria for an AS dx and said so to a well known expert when I was in dialogue with him. He told me that he believed that people with AS can make excellent parents because they are very tuned in to the problems young people might be facing; their experiences can make them more understanding and sympathetic towards the problems our youngsters can face, and in particular if our kids are autistic. Another thing I've found is that I have a very strong sense of what is fair, and I recognise the importance of fair play, which is always much appreciated by youngsters who tend to get very upset when they perceive things as 'unfair'. Sorry this is a very small snapshot of what I want to say, but to avoid waffling on I haven't gone into much detail, hope it makes sense though.

 

Flora

 

Flora, this all makes absolute sense to me. I was just having a discussion with my own grown up daughter and another thing that came up along similar lines is the way my own mother was with me when I was growing up:

 

She was very protective over me. Now I know that she wasn't like this with my older brother and sister and I know that some might say it is natural for the youngest. However, I do believe now that she sensed that I was more vulnerable, it didn't really do me any favours because eventually I had to get out there and live without her but I wonder if this kind of parenting happens much amongst AS sufferers.

 

There is probably going to be a big debate someday as to whether we allow our kids to mix with others when they can be so vulnerable. I'm not sure if this is a subject that should be looked at but coming from someone who has lived with this condition all my life and knowing how I have had difficulties with people who can often take advantage of me, I wonder how kids cope with it all in the real world of today, it is after all a harder world than I grew up in.

 

There you are Flora, I have done the rambling instead. See if you can decifer that lot, lol. No seriously, I think that you are right. Parents who have this condition are most probably subconsciously aware of the difficulties that children have whereas a NT Parent wouldn't be so tuned in as you say. Well, that's my thoughts anyway Thanks for chipping in, more discussion really is helping me at present. Cheers ~ Retreat

[Retreat]

TBH, I have always struggled with almost constant feelings of failure.

 

Bid

 

Glad I am not alone, although tell me, how much of your feelings of failure come from your own thinking and how much come from what other's say to you? Thinking through my CBT what is the answer? I don't know. Cheers ~ Retreat

[Retreat]

Hi Retreat,

 

It's funny when you said you thought you knew about Asperger's as a teacher. My mum thought the same, but never made the connection that I have AS, and my dad and her brother probably do also. Since I got my diagnosis she has read more about it and it makes more sense to her now. She even showed me a newspaper article about AS once and jokingly showed it to me saying, "I think this must be what Dad has," but I didn't see anything of myself in the article and neither did she.

 

The problem with Asperger's AND depression is that many aspects of how you view yourself have a basis in reality. For example, I believed I was a horrible person because no one likes me. Now it is true that people don't warm to me, but the reasons are different. Understanding those reasons has been really empowering and now I am left with the choice of carrying on the way I am and accept that I am going to have no friends, or look at things I can do to change people's impressions for long enough to get to know me and that I am actually an OK person. It's not about changing my personality or duping people; it's little things like smiling and saying hello when someone approaches me instead of looking like I don't want to talk to them - this is actually a MORE honest response because it tells them that I want to talk to them. CBT is about getting a REALISTIC view of things, and I am fortunate enough to be getting CBT from a therapist who actually knows about AS and the real difficulties it creates, and who can make suggestions for me like this. A therapist who was trying to convince me that I am nice and people like me really would be no good because that wouldn't be a realistic thing to believe. In short, you have been focussing on the wrong things

 

I think that a certain level of rumination is necessary when trying to come to terms with the possibility that you have AS. It is a major thing! Going over and over the same things is perhaps not productive, but sometimes it is the only way. Reading as much as you can and talking to other adults with AS is probably the best way forward.

 

I also feel that it can be a lonely life because I am also struggling to make friends. Recently I heard that my oldest friend had bought a flat with her partner, and this year was the first year she did not send me a birthday card. I was really upset at first because I thought she was my friend and felt slighted. But now I realise that it is actually a long time since we saw each other and she is getting on with her life, and that it is normal to drift apart when you have less and less in common. I think that the answer is developing the skills to start friendships, because I can maintain friendships with people I see regularly.

 

Relationships are really confusing to me. Because I cannot tell when a person is interested in me (and tend to assume no one would be and am afraid to risk my feelings by going after someone who is not interested), I don't know until it is blindingly obvious to everyone in the whole world. This means I need someone who is very persistent, which means I have tended to end up with creepy stalkerish types. I lived with my ex for 5 years and didn't realise that the level of monitoring he subjected me to was abnormal (nor did I realise the extent of it, and thought I was going crazy with paranoia and so did everyone else until I found proof). I put up with a lot of shoddy treatment because I didn't realise it was unusual - he told me this was normal and I didn't really have anyone else I could ask. He did nice things for me and I thought that made him a nice person, but the nice things were the facade for the bad stuff. My only friendships were facilitated by him, and my dependency on him left me wide open to abuse.

 

I think I will struggle to form another relationship now, because I understand where I went wrong last time, but haven't yet worked out how to get it right. I don't think I could ever have a 'normal' relationship because I need my own space and time alone. That doesn't mean I cannot have a relationship, it just means I need someone compatible, which may limit my options somewhat. My ex had to work away from home a lot and spent a lot of time in the pub, and that was ideal for me. I would need someone who is independent and has his own interests (other than alcoholism) that he doesn't need to involve me in, so that I can do the same. Sharing my home again would be difficult and I could easily feel intruded upon.

 

I think it is common in relationships to feel that your partner does not understand you. It is difficult for men and women to understand each other as we are different from each other. It would also be difficult for two people from different cultures to understand each other. It could help if your husband wants to learn about AS and understand why you are different. The same will also help you to see how you are different from your husband. In time, you will both be able to meet in the middle and understand each other a lot better.

 

[color="#0000FF]How we view ourselves, well there's a good question and how we come across to others. Well for me, I think it has been the opposite. I have found that I walked around half my life trying too hard to be nice. Walking around with a big smile on my face. Just recently that smile has gone. I am now quite fed up with making all the effort. I can't tell you how it makes me feel, it is very strange!

 

The realism part I really understand. In my effort to be friendly my brain can often make the most ridiculous connections regarding the future of a relationship. My mind could have it all sewn up and then I am left telling myself - what a fool! to even be thinking in that way. I have to put my brain on pause these days until the logical side of me kicks in. I don't know if there are any others who have this problem?

 

It is for this reason that I do have really big issues myself with making friends, I feel that the only people I can connect to are those with a similar interest, but even that is not a sure fail proof way. I get mixed signals I cannot understand other peoples intentions. One day they'll be a manual for people like us, I live in hope.

 

So tell me Tally, this therapist who knows about AS is it private or was it just good luck, I just wondered because I do think that ordinary CBT only skims the surface of what we need as very special individuals?

 

I am also in a very difficult relationship. I did escape from it for a while a couple of years back and then I found myself back in it. I've had a very rocky marriage and I have struggled with my own issues but I do believe that he has his own issues too. I know that although my AS has made things hard for me, so has he!

 

So I have had to deal with all sorts of complexities in the whole family set up. I am seriously thinking about a permanent seperation in the future but I must wait till I feel strong enough to see it through this time. I think as individuals, we are often wide open to abuse from others. I have lived all my life feeling vulnerable. There is no help out there for people like us, how do you leave a marriage when it all becomes so messy! When the other person will hold on for dear life and make things so hard for the children in order to stay put. I have felt trapped in my marriage for years and the only reason why I didn't continue being seperated, it greives me to admit it, is that living apart was worse for our son. He was being manipulated by my husband and that kind of thing is torture to both of us. When parents split they can get nasty, they can become spiteful in words if not in deeds. How to deal with all this, the mind games, well, I looked at it being the lesser of the two evils. Now I am not so sure. I worried for our son and his mental health, I wanted out but couldn't go through with it. I felt so vulnerable but I didn't understand why. Now I know, at some point in the future, I think that I will be able to make that break. I am just bideing my time for that moment when it all becomes clear what to do, then I will do it.

 

Your frankness about your relationship in your message has made me realise that I can work this thing out and it has really helped me to see a little light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you. Cheers ~ Retreat [/color]

 

 

 

 

 

[Tally]

I've been very lucky with my CBT therapist. I am seeing her at a university research department, though she happens to have expensive experience working with autistic children in previous jobs with CAMHS. It is through the NHS so I am not having to pay for it, but it is not provided directly by the NHS. I am restricted to 12 sessions with this therapist, but she has given me hope that there is the possibility of getting effective help outside of the NHS. Even though money is an issue, I feel that infrequent sessions would be infinitely more helpful than none at all, so I am going to look into it once my 12 sessions are up.

 

I do think that CBT only really skims the surface, but can still provide effective methods of coping with very specific issues. There are other therapies which are probably more helpful with dealing with very deep-seated issues, but these can be very difficult for people who find it hard to verbalise their emotions. My therapist has also offered me practical suggestions with social skills which are not part of CBT, but nevertheless help me to feel better and more confident. We are breaking things down and looking at very small issues one at a time. We are never going to find time to deal with everything, but we are making progress, and that is making a positive difference.

 

I think that putting your brain on pause until the logical side kicks in could actually be a good coping skill. You are recognising that your thoughts aren't necessarily accurate and putting them aside until you can come up with accurate ones.

 

Have you thought about seeing a solicitor about your marriage? You don't have to DO anything until you feel ready, but you can get a clear idea of exactly where you stand, what your rights are and what the best course of action would be. That way, you can make an informed decision.

 

My mum was very protective over me. Now I know that she wasn't like this with my older brother and sister and I know that some might say it is natural for the youngest. However, I do believe now that she sensed that I was more vulnerable, it didn't really do me any favours because eventually I had to get out there and live without her but I wonder if this kind of parenting happens much amongst AS sufferers.

My mum was also very protective of me. I always thought it was because I was the oldest Generally, I was only allowed to do things at the same time as my brother, who is 4 years younger than me. I hated it when all my friends were doing things and I had to say I couldn't come because my mum wouldn't let me. My mum thought I was lying when I said, "all my friends are allowed to," but I wasn't, and it really was all of them. The level of control she exerted over me only added to my difficulties making friends and made me look different. Although the possibility of autism was raised at several points throughout my childhood, my parents dismissed the possibility, but I think my mum must have sensed there was something different about me. In the end I felt so stifled that I left home with nowhere to go, but I coped and I think that came as a big shock to her and changed the way she dealt with my brother.

[Retreat]

I've been very lucky with my CBT therapist. I am seeing her at a university research department, though she happens to have expensive experience working with autistic children in previous jobs with CAMHS. It is through the NHS so I am not having to pay for it, but it is not provided directly by the NHS. I am restricted to 12 sessions with this therapist, but she has given me hope that there is the possibility of getting effective help outside of the NHS. Even though money is an issue, I feel that infrequent sessions would be infinitely more helpful than none at all, so I am going to look into it once my 12 sessions are up.

 

I do think that CBT only really skims the surface, but can still provide effective methods of coping with very specific issues. There are other therapies which are probably more helpful with dealing with very deep-seated issues, but these can be very difficult for people who find it hard to verbalise their emotions. My therapist has also offered me practical suggestions with social skills which are not part of CBT, but nevertheless help me to feel better and more confident. We are breaking things down and looking at very small issues one at a time. We are never going to find time to deal with everything, but we are making progress, and that is making a positive difference.

 

I think that putting your brain on pause until the logical side kicks in could actually be a good coping skill. You are recognising that your thoughts aren't necessarily accurate and putting them aside until you can come up with accurate ones.

 

Have you thought about seeing a solicitor about your marriage? You don't have to DO anything until you feel ready, but you can get a clear idea of exactly where you stand, what your rights are and what the best course of action would be. That way, you can make an informed decision.

 

 

My mum was also very protective of me. I always thought it was because I was the oldest Generally, I was only allowed to do things at the same time as my brother, who is 4 years younger than me. I hated it when all my friends were doing things and I had to say I couldn't come because my mum wouldn't let me. My mum thought I was lying when I said, "all my friends are allowed to," but I wasn't, and it really was all of them. The level of control she exerted over me only added to my difficulties making friends and made me look different. Although the possibility of autism was raised at several points throughout my childhood, my parents dismissed the possibility, but I think my mum must have sensed there was something different about me. In the end I felt so stifled that I left home with nowhere to go, but I coped and I think that came as a big shock to her and changed the way she dealt with my brother.

 

 

Hi again,

Well it is very telling isnt it, this being protective almost to being suffocated and then escape. I think that is the same reason why I got married so young to my first husband. I couldn't have made a worse choice. My first husband was violent so I got out of that one quickly although I was left to cope with two small children under 5. I met my present husband, I am sure now, on the rebound as it were.

 

I had never lived alone until I divorced my first husband. so I really found it very difficult. I look back now to thinking why I found it hard. Well, I had no support from anyone. I did manage quite well as a single mum although money was tight. The worst thing I found back then was the isolation. I felt so bleak. I literally was in my own little prison once the children went to bed. I had no phone even in those days so I felt really bad. It's no wonder I leapt at having someone else around, someone else to help with the children, to talk to, even if it was a difficult relationship in the end I certainly needed someone at the time to see me through. It certainly wasn't a marriage made in heaven!

 

I keep wondering how long it will take me to come to terms with my new idea of myself, I do hope it isn't too long because I am finding the whole process quite scary and mentally exhausting. You see there was never any mention of anything like this when I was growing up so neither of my parents ever knew. It seems so peculiar to be saying this. Neither of them are around anymore. It seems strange to come to terms with a person (myself) that they never really knew. For years I have been putting on a face as it were. Instinctively you try to fit in. The hardest thing for me to realise is that I probably never did. All that stress and effort only to realise the rest of the world still saw through the act of trying to be the same. I suppose that's why I feel so angry now. I think, I wish I hadn't bothered.. Now I am just so determined to find and be myself. Better late than never I suppose. Well, thanks again for writing, it really, really does help. Cheers ~ Retreat.