Please could someone advise me

[Beccy03]

well my daughter has just been dx with AS. we have had years of problems. my 2 other kids are fine in most respects but both display symptoms of OCD. i havent asked for any help with them yet though.

The thing is my hubby is a little bit eccentric (to say the least) and now after my daughters diagnosis i feel almost certain that he has it too. he is 45 though and sees himself as very intelligent and is insulted that i imagine there could be any problem with his behaviour. do i tackle it? or carry on as i have for the last 15 years we have been together...just ignoring and coping with it?

he is a collector of certain things (model cars, film memorabillia etc)

he has a vast knowledge of cars... he has maybe 1000 vids/dvds and countless books he can recognise a car just by looking at a small peice of the body or a dial or something.

he seriously lacks social skills. my family find him rude and ignorant.

he says hurtful things to me sometimes- not insults, just lacking in tact.

when i point this out he will be very hurt and upset as he loves me so much.

he is obsessive about cleaning his car he will dust the dashboard with his special little duster even while he is driving

he has a degree in financial type stuff and is highly intelligent but works nights in a solitary job as he dislikes pressure, ambition and working with people.

he has never broken the law, does not drink, smoke, and has a very very developed sense of morals. he is honest to a fault.

he talks incessantly about the same subjects over and over again , especially monetary things , and doesnt stop even when he knows hes doing it.

even the kids ask him to shut up sometimes or say hes giving them a headache.

i love my man but living with him is very hard. everyone knows he is 'different' or 'eccentric' but he cannot see anything wrong.

his parents cannot either so it would be useless and pointless to run this by them.

im about to start tackling my daughters problems head on now we have a diagnosis but i feel it would be helpful for us all if he could see the same traits within himself.

what do i do?

there are many other things too- for example i believe he is dyslexic- but i feel bad enough writing all this down.......

[BuntyB]

I think this will strike a chord with a lot of people. Certainly in my case, finding out about my daughter's diagnosis of AS made sense of my life! I do believe that there are an awful lot of undiagnosed adults out there!

 

If you read through the threads, I think most areas find it difficult to get a diagnosis for adults. The question is, would it achieve anything? If your husband is happy as he is and not wrestling with trying to understand or make sense of his life, he won't gain anything. In fact he might be quite upset!

 

Would it help you or your family? Perhaps you would feel better by being able to explain what people see as eccentric behaviour. But you might be able to do this anyway off the back of getting a diagnosis for your child. You could explain that lots of people have these problems and don't mean to come over as 'rude' it's just the way their brain is wired. There isn't any treatment, you won't change him and for all his quirkiness, I guess there are parts of him that you love, like his honesty and predictability or you wouldn't have fallen for him in the first place?

 

You could get hold of some books for the family to read about AS. They may well work it out for themselves.

[Tally]

Hi Beccy,

 

I am an adult diagnosed with AS last year, aged 25. I was already in the mental health system, but they really had no clue and eventually concluded I was making it up to avoid dealing with my issues . . . fortunately I was able to get assessed privately.

 

It is very difficult to get assessment for an adult on the NHS. If going private is an option for you, I would recommend it as it is far less stressful. It's worth bearing in mind that there is very little support for adults with ASD, so an official diagnosis might not actually be terribly helpful. It also sounds like he may reject the possibility if you mentioned it to him.

 

There are certainly many things about your husband which point to AS, so it definitely sounds like a possibility.

 

Talking over and over again about the same thing is very common in AS. Sometimes we find it hard to see alternative ways of dealing with issues, and we need to think it over and over until we can find another way. It can also be a sign of anxiety - he might be talking about a topic because it is constantly on his mind. Setting aside a certain time to talk about it might be a good idea.

 

When my mum started reading about AS, she came to the conclusion that my dad also has AS. She tried to talk to him about it, but he point blank refuses to discuss the possibility. Although they are very committed, she does find him exasperating at times. Amongst her research into AS, she has found useful techniques which have helped her communicate with him better, and that understanding why he does certain things has helped her feel less frustrated by them.

 

Your best bet for now is probably to read up on Asperger's as much as possible. You are probably already doing this after your daughter's diagnosis anyway. Tony Atwood's Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome is a very good book which also talks briefly about adults with AS. Asperger Syndrome and Long Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford might give you some effective strategies for communicating with your husband.

[Delyth]

Hi Beccy

 

Firstly, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot of challenges in your family... make sure you look after yourself!

 

Your husband does seem from your description as though he may be on the spectrum and I understand why this is important for you to know.

 

My husband was AS diagnosed a couple of years ago - he agreed to explore this avenue after at least a year of us talking about it following family life (we have three NS children) disintegrating. Initially he was terrified of the thought of having 'something wrong with him' and it was very very difficult for him to actually 'see' that some of his behaviour and/or comments were causing problems for those around him, even though he was willing to try and 'see'.

Given time, love and support and continual reassurance that he was still loved and valued even if there was 'something wrong' he eventually agreed to explore getting a diagnosis.

We decided that it was the best course of action for our family by writing lists of pro's and con's and the pro's far outweighed the con's (my husband finds it helpful to understand and fully appreciate things if they are written down or made into some kind of chart otherwise he can get caught in the detail and forget all the other bits that make the whole picture).

 

Having a diagnosis has saved our marriage - I can now understand why he behaves the way he does and we are learning how to communicate well. Without the diagnosis, I don't think I would ever have known what his needs are as he can not easily communicate them and I would never have been able to adapt my style of communication. He is also learning how to communicate better to all of us.

 

I have read of other spouses whose husbands are not as cooperative as mine, but were experiencing enormous difficulties and found that ignoring the issues didn't work, so instead they treated life 'as if' their husband had a diagnosis and found things improved.

 

So, no easy answers or quick fixes... you know your husband and family best and also what you need too.

 

Good luck... keep talking!

 

Delyth

[LicklePaulie]

Hi Beccy,

 

From what you have said above, there are some very clear indicators that your hubby might be on the spectrum. It is also widely (though not universally) accepted that there is an element of genetics at play in the cause of AS. I run a support group for adults on with Aspergers and their partners and 50% of those who gained adult diagnosis did so as a direct result of having one of their offspring diagnosed and recognising similar traits in themselves.

 

However, without your husband's direct compliance, it will be almost impossible to get him diagnosed - it's hard enough to get even the most ardent seeker through the resource-limited system!

 

The question has already been posed above by another contributor but "What benefit would be gained from a diagnosis anyway?" There are several members of our group for instance who are convinced they are on the spectrum who see no need whatsoever to get the piece of paper. After all, in many cases, the services available to the individual will be limited to having that diagnosis. They simply treat themselves, or are treated by their partners, as though they have the diagnosis by working out their own coping strategies, much as they would have to had they been clinically diagnosed.

 

Back to the crux of the matter. You appear to be very concerned that your husband is refuting the possibility that he has AS (he thinks of it as a learning disability which clearly it does not have to be). In time, when dealing with the issues that arise regarding your dx'd child/ren, he may come to recognise the many similar problems that he has - equally, he may not. You, as one half of any partnership, naturally put some strategies into place in order to maximise your ability to negotiate everyday life - it doesn't really matter whether they come from a book on how to deal with your AS relationship or whether they come from some old wives' tale. Some will work and others will not - if nothing else, you have a wealth of new material from which to try and glean ideas on how to keep things working to their best.

 

I wish you all the best...

[mummy]

Good grief you have well described my hubby there!

We realised that he was on the spectrum though when our son was diagnosed, and hubby is quite happy that he probably has it too, it gives him a greater understanding of how our son thinks!

We haven'y gone for a Dx though. he has a good job and is happy and I have learnt to live with his behaviour (most of the time) and make allowances.

If you really want a Dx though there isn't a lot you can do unless he admits it and wants one sorry.

[chris54]

In too would consider myself on the spectrum if not AS.

 

I have lived my life always knowing that I was some how different but always put it down to learnt behaviour until my son was diagnosed then the penny dropped.

 

Sorry I should not use terms like that on this site with so many aspies looking in.

 

I do not see any point in a formal diagnosis as it would achieve very little.

 

I will add that although I do have a few obsessions they do not dominat my life, some would say that they enhance it.

 

The thing I think that has inhibited my most in life has been my lack of social interaction. This has limited my job prospects and I have always felt that I was not running at my full potential. At my age it is really a bit to late to do much about that from a career point of view.

 

And it took my until I was 43 a soul mate.

 

But not point in looking back just look forward to what is to come.

[Beccy03]

THANKYOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE REPLIES.

sorry caps lock on

i am not overly concerned with getting a diagnosis- just more to get him to see that he has some behaviour which is similar to our childrens and see that he is sometimes challenging for me as much as the children are.

I am not perfect myself i have had major problems with anxiety and depression in the past.

Im pretty okay atm which is a blumming good job considering!

We are in the main very happy family BUT we need to stop some of the everyday stresses and strains being exaggerated and causing extra pressure and upset for us all.

my husband cares for me and supports me when i am not feeling so good. we allow eachother the freedom to do things in life which we want to- even if we do not see eye to eye on them.

anyway i will drop this subject for now- in a lot of ways it has been reassuring enough for me to hear other people say that they see where i am coming from.

we have reached crisis point within our family in recent times and we are still all very much together and that is what counts.i could be very cheeeeesy indeed and say love can conquer all but i will just say thatwe are realists and we do indeed have a lot of love between us all. We are family. <'>

 

[skye]

If my ADD would allow me to sit and read all of this great advice, I would! It is almost completely exactly what I am going through. I have mentioned it to my husband who is just 40 just kinda like "wow this sounds a bit like you", as I am reading off of the net etc. He is not entertaining it at all. He attended a special school as a child because he was "social disturbed". Being that in the 70's they were not really diagnosing for ASD I am pretty positive that he has it. I would like to try to talk to his doctor or something because the doc is constantly changing him on and off all these anti depressants and I am not even sure if he needs them. I am off to bed and unfortunately don't have time to read all of these replies tonight but I will come back tomorrow and check it out. Uh oh, sounding like another night terror night is about to kick off! Poor thing!! Better get off and empty out that dream catcher again. -Skye

[martyn]

well my daughter has just been dx with AS. we have had years of problems. my 2 other kids are fine in most respects but both display symptoms of OCD. i havent asked for any help with them yet though.

The thing is my hubby is a little bit eccentric (to say the least) and now after my daughters diagnosis i feel almost certain that he has it too. he is 45 though and sees himself as very intelligent and is insulted that i imagine there could be any problem with his behaviour. do i tackle it? or carry on as i have for the last 15 years we have been together...just ignoring and coping with it?

he is a collector of certain things (model cars, film memorabillia etc)

he has a vast knowledge of cars... he has maybe 1000 vids/dvds and countless books he can recognise a car just by looking at a small peice of the body or a dial or something.

he seriously lacks social skills. my family find him rude and ignorant.

he says hurtful things to me sometimes- not insults, just lacking in tact.

when i point this out he will be very hurt and upset as he loves me so much.

he is obsessive about cleaning his car he will dust the dashboard with his special little duster even while he is driving

he has a degree in financial type stuff and is highly intelligent but works nights in a solitary job as he dislikes pressure, ambition and working with people.

he has never broken the law, does not drink, smoke, and has a very very developed sense of morals. he is honest to a fault.

he talks incessantly about the same subjects over and over again , especially monetary things , and doesnt stop even when he knows hes doing it.

even the kids ask him to shut up sometimes or say hes giving them a headache.

i love my man but living with him is very hard. everyone knows he is 'different' or 'eccentric' but he cannot see anything wrong.

his parents cannot either so it would be useless and pointless to run this by them.

im about to start tackling my daughters problems head on now we have a diagnosis but i feel it would be helpful for us all if he could see the same traits within himself.

what do i do?

there are many other things too- for example i believe he is dyslexic- but i feel bad enough writing all this down.......

Dr ******* at the Autistic centre at Hallam University in Sheffield. As the serious view that people in these age groups should be diagnosed. You will have to be persistent at trying to contact him. But in a period of time he will respond to you.

Hopefully this coming february I will receive a diagnosis from him. I am aged 53

 

 

Name and contact details of professional removed by moderator in line with forum rules.

Sorry Martyn, can you send the details to Beccy via pm? - K

Edited January 17, 2009 by Kathryn