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About Delyth

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    Scafell Pike
  1. Hi Big hugs to you... sounds like you've had quite a rough time... I have a partner with AS and have organised a support group in East London. If you are in or around London do pop in - we are meeting this Friday or again on the 11th Feb. Details: www.whydoesmypartner.co.uk I think there is also another group in the north of England which I can find the details for if you are in that part of the world. If you can't get to a support group, I'm not sure what to suggest apart from general comments like - 'read all you can about AS and Tourettes', 'look after your self' and 'focus on one thing at a time'... I have to go out now, sorry can't spend long writing, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! Cheers Delyth
  2. Hi Great news... very exciting. And good to hear from you again. I haven't been here much lately neither but do pop in every now and again so it's great to hear the news. Hope the meeting went well... maybe our groups might even get to meet up one day! Best wishes Delyth
  3. Hi Baranigirl My partner has AS but rarely has meltdowns (thank goodness!) so I'm not sure what to suggest... It's great that he's keen to get some help and it sounds to me that professional help is needed really to deal with this level of anger. Have you tried walking away/out when he does meltdown or can he find a place to take his anger? And has he any idea of the effect of his behaviour on his family? Are you able to discuss it at another time? Sorry for the questions! Hope you get some ideas here... and do make sure you keep yourselves safe. Angry adults that are out of control are particularly scary! Best wishes Delyth
  4. Hi Melanster Welcome to the forum. My partner was AS diagnosed just over three years ago. We've been together for the past 20 years and have three children. Since he was diagnosed and the difficulties he has with communication understood by both of us, our relationship has become much stronger. Now we can generally work through issues rather than going round and round all the time! Before this diagnosis though, we were both pretty miserable and our relationship was very troubled. It was a very lonely time indeed. There is a support group for partners in east london - www.whydoesmypartner.co.uk and you would be welcome to come along and share your experiences if it would help. In the meantime, feel free to ask any questions or share. It's probably best to post in the "Beyond Adolescence" area. Best wishes Delyth
  5. Hello My AS husband and I have been together for over 20 years on and off, and lived together for about 11 years. He was diagnosed 3 years ago. I get frustrated sometimes and so does my DH. I think it's inevitable given the nature of AS and the general ups and down of every day life. It can be quite challenging at times. And I'm sure there isn't a parent here who hasn't had days of despair occasionally. Be kind to yourself - I'm sure you are to your husband. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, so having an off day now and then is ok. Even an off month or so too. In time you will be able to work out how to be together in ways that are not so stressful for either of you, it just might seem to take a long time to work it out. Well, it has for us anyway and we still get it wrong at times. And it might be a big disappointment to you to realise that your OH really can't do the social stuff - that's ok too, to be disappointed. I think the trick is to get your social needs met with other people and focus on other positive aspects of your relationship with your OH. It isn't easy, so look after yourself. Delyth
  6. Hi all We watched this programme the other evening and thought it was fascinating. Just wondered if other people saw it and what you thought about it. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00p26x7 or the youtube link: Best wishes Delyth
  7. Hi Obi My husband was diagnosed at the NAS Elliot House centre... might be called the Lorna Wing centre now, but you'll find it on the NAS site. Lucky for you - it's in Kent. We live in East London and the centre is one of our closest places. This was three years ago when he was 45 years old. The NAS also provided us with a list of qualified professionals with experience of diagnosing AS and I think I remember that there was one or two in Kent? Our LA funded his diagnosis and also is currently funding counselling with an experienced counsellor - not in our area neither! Am happy to give more details if needed. Getting a diagnosis definitely helped rescue our marriage - we could begin to understand why his behaviour was, on too many occasions, at odds with being the caring and loving man we knew he was. I think your examples of the kind of communication breakdown that occurs between you and your wife is highly observant. The fact that you have this awareness means that you both will be able to understand each other in time and rebuild your marriage. Good luck and best wishes Delyth
  8. Hi Janelizzie I remember how alone I felt a few years ago when first trying to understand AS and my partner and our relationship - there is such a lot of info to get to grips with. In fact, I am still on that learning journey! I didn't have any knowledge about AS so it was really starting from scratch. Welcome to the forum and I hope you start to feel less alone. I am 47 and my AS partner and I have been together for most of 20 yearsand we have three children. Most of the time we are happy now. We decided that getting a diagnosis was the right thing for my partner for many reasons... we made a big 'for and against' chart at the time which helped a great deal to see things clearly. I can remember some of the advantages - it meant he would be more likely to access the right support for his anxiety, we could find the right reasons to explain his behaviour that was at odds with being in a caring relationship, we felt our children should know without any doubts. I am sure there were other reasons but I can't remember them off the top of my head. And please don't apologise for disorganised ramblings. I didn't think they were, but even if so, often that's the only way to find the answers! Best wishes Delyth
  9. Hello Hairspray Queen Welcome to the forum. I'm happy to make friends - though find it difficult to do so on a forum due to time constraints and I can't write quickly enough, but it's a great place to start. I'm a not-so-young 47yr old NT with an AS partner. We've been together for most of 20 years and most of it happily, but I think we do both have to work a little harder than perhaps people who are in a relationship that does not involve a diagnostic level of 'communication and social difficulty'. My partner and I have developed all kinds of strategies to help ourselves over the years and I am happy to share anything that might be relevant. Meeting others with similar challenges is one of the best things for me and which prompted me to start up a support group (it's free!) in East London. You are welcome to come along if you are able and think it would be useful. Details are on the website: www.whydoesmypartner.co.uk Best wishes Delyth
  10. Hello everyone After two years of trying to get funding for counselling support for my husband (AS) our local authority agreed to fund 3 months' worth at the end of last year. That funding ended 6 months ago and he then applied for further funding. We have just heard from our local authority that they are going to fund a further 6 months of counselling support. And the best bit is that they recommend counselling for the whole family: "the approach taken should include the entire family as there are marked advantages when interventions for individuals with Asperger's syndrome include family members" I am so happy that they have recognised this need because it really is such a struggle at times for all of us - not just myself and my husband, but our children too. Hooray! Dare I hope that the struggles of partners/spouses and other supportive family members are finally being acknowledged? I do hope so. Best wishes to everyone Delyth
  11. Hi Lulu I found that the best way I could support my partner was firstly to look after myself and to make sure I was happy, healthy and strong. This meant: regular exercise, sorting physical 'aches and pains', meeting my friends - frequently, enjoying work, getting some counselling, being creative, keeping a diary etc etc. And we also lived separately for a period of time. I suggest you do what ever you need to get yourself strong, and then you can be a source of strength for your partner. There is also a website and discussion forum for people in AS/NS relationships that might be able to help: www.aspires-relationships.com Look after yourself first. Delyth
  12. Hi Lulu Welcome to the forum. All the above does seem to indicate an ASD to me - though I am not qualified to diagnose of course! It also seems to me that your partner has some very complex mental health issues at the moment too which might be complicating matters a great deal and clouding the issues. I can see that life is very stressful for both of you but it's great that you may finally be able to get some answers and work out a way forward. My partner was diagnosed a few years ago with Asperger Syndrome. To help us decide if he was likely to be on the spectrum we used the NAS guidelines, the diagnostic criteria and a great book "Asperger Syndrome and long term relationships" by Ashley Stanford. We went through all of the criteria and began to see how and if my partner 'fitted'. Eventually having our suspicions confirmed with a diagnosis has enabled us to work to save our marriage. Best wishes Delyth
  13. Delyth


    Hi Louise Welcome to the forum. My partner has Asperger Syndrome. Nice to meet you.... Best wishes Delyth
  14. Hi My husband had his diagnosis a couple of years ago when he was 44years and the assessment involved answering questions - lots of them! The questions were not tests but questions about his life experiences and areas of difficulty, as far as I remember. (Seems a long time ago!). I went with him (as requested) and was occasionally needed to confirm things or expand a little more or clarify questions or answers when needed. Before he went we phoned the centre and asked what would happen on the day and they were very helpful and told us exactly what to expect. Perhaps you could contact the place that you are going to and get some more info? I think the NAS have some useful advice on their website too about the kind of questions that might be asked. Might be worth having a look? Good luck Best wishes Delyth
  15. Hi I'm glad the bullying is being dealt with - hope it gets sorted quickly. The comment your boss made reminded me of a comment that a counsellor once made after speaking with my husband (AS) for a couple of hours... she said that she found it difficult to get a sense of 'him', even after 2 hours of discussion. My husband has also said that when he is in the company of other people he feels like he looses his identity and sense of self. He finds it difficult to voice thoughts, opinions etc. and actively participate in conversations. He soon withdraws. This means that when in his company, people do not get a strong sense of 'him', hardly any sense of him, what his opinions are etc. etc. Maybe your boss is experiencing something similar with you and his comment was meant as an observation rather than a criticism? He could have perhaps worded it better and less... accusatory?....but maybe he lacks the vocabulary to explain his feeling? So, to answer your question, I don't think a disability in general makes a personality, but am aware that, for my husband, the level of anxiety he feels when in company certainly masks his personality. This might make others feel that he has no personality. Hope this makes some sense! Best wishes Delyth
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