Feeling isolated

[billabong]

Hello there anyone (ooh, scarey, no-one else on the forum at this time!)

 

Just feeling sorry for myself and in need of letting off steam or something. I feel so flipping isolated . (By the way, I'm the 'NT' one). We moved way up north over 3 years ago and, although it's a lovely part of the UK, I'm finding it really, really hard to get to know anyone - guess I should consider myself lucky to have two friends after this time, but can't expect to see them every week. I feel like going around wearing a sandwich board saying 'Hello, will you be my friend?'. Or 'Mrs Invisible - I'm here really; I don't bite'. Even DH finds it odd that we have so little proper social contact. I joined a gardening club a couple of years ago but ended up sidling out quickly at the end. (And I'm supposedly warm and friendly bla bla bla). Up here, people are very family oriented - fine if you have family but not so good otherwise (and my family are hours away by car or plane). It's a sad but true fact of life that, when you move away from somewhere, you're the one who has to maintain the contact - the gap you leave is quickly filled. I don't relish the thought of the two weeks over Christmas which I've been asked to take off work (so I don't stretch the overtime budget, I've been requested to take my overtime as TOIL); I like a quiet life and reading and not having constant buzz and noise going on, but waaah, would be nice to speak to people sometimes. We go to church and I feel as if people don't really want anything more than 'hello' with a smile and it's such an effort having to make polite conversation. (That doesn't mean it would normally be impolite!). Do you think I should borrow someone's kiddies or steal a dog and go dog-walking? Have thought about volunteering with a charity which works with refugees and asylum seekers but work commitments and uncertainties, and the fact that I have limitations to how much I can do without getting stressed and worn out (don't we all?), plus it's a good drive away, mean that I can't consider that at the moment.

 

Phew that feels a bit better. I'm more p'd off than what I've written suggests, probably just as well it's toned down.

 

Billa the Bong

[NickyB]

Just wanted to send you some of these <'> <'> <'>

 

We moved away from all our family and friends a few years ago and, at first, we felt like outsiders, too. Once the children started school, we started to get to know people via the school and now we have some really close friends. I think your idea about volunteering is a good one, but as you say it's a question of find the time and energy!!

My in-laws held an 'open house' day for all their neighbours shortly after they moved, and invited them all to come along for drinks and snacks, which they found was a good way to meet people (although I guess it woudn't work for everyone).

 

Hope things get better for you soon

 

Nicky x

 

[Tally]

Volunteering might be a good way to meet people, even if the specific charity you mentioned is probably not going to work for you. Is there anything nearer to home? An animal rescue centre might be looking for dog walkers, then you needn't steal one and you can take it back for someone else to look after once you've taken it for a walk.

 

Nicky's "open house" suggestion one is a good one. The Christmas holiday would be the ideal time if you fancy that.

[ScienceGeek]

An animal rescue centre might be looking for dog walkers, then you needn't steal one and you can take it back for someone else to look after once you've taken it for a walk.

 

That dog walking suggestion sounds like a good idea for me. I used to have a dog and miss the walks

[billabong]

Thank you all for your <'> and helpful suggestions. Not sure about the open house idea - is the father-in-law AS? (my DH is AS - non DX). Think we'd both find it hard work for different reasons. Last year we had an invitation to a New Year's party at some neighbours who we only know by sight. We bravely went along and rang the door-bell. EEE-magine our relief when no-one answered the door (think they were in back of the house and didn't hear the bell), and guess how many seconds it took before I suggested we just go back home? But going back to the suggestion, maybe we could give it a go and specify a 2 hour slot.

 

Must look into doggy-walking. I walked past my hairdresser's salon yesterday morning and saw that she had her two dogs and one of her cats in the salon (yes, I'm sure the H&S police would have been round like a shot ...), so I stopped and had quality time with soppy animals; a definite tonic!

 

Thanks for being there.

 

Billabong

 

 

[Kathryn]

We moved 12 years ago and it was at least 5 before I felt I belonged, even though I had a baby here and a child at primary school. Although I had made loads of acquaintances it was a long time before I felt that any of them were friends. I agree with you that the "mover" is the one who has to work hard to maintain contact - other people's lives go on and they don't need you as much as you need them so you end up in this limbo where you don't feel you belong in either place.

 

Church can often be a good source of social contact, it is for us and I'm sorry yours isn't. I would suggest finding another church where you feel more welcome but that might not be a viable option in a small town. Is there an activity you could get involved with there, toddler group, brownies, choir, making coffee etc? I don't know what floats your boat but it might be a way to get to know a smaller number of people more closely - and you might find they feel the same.

 

Good luck with the dog walking idea. Pets are definite ice breakers - we don't have a dog but I've often noticed the way pet owners stop to chat to each other in the park. A friend of mine fosters dogs overnight while their owners go away - maybe you could do this?

 

If all else fails, we're always here! <'>

 

K x

 

 

 

 

[billabong]

We moved 12 years ago and it was at least 5 before I felt I belonged, even though I had a baby here and a child at primary school. Although I had made loads of acquaintances it was a long time before I felt that any of them were friends. I agree with you that the "mover" is the one who has to work hard to maintain contact - other people's lives go on and they don't need you as much as you need them so you end up in this limbo where you don't feel you belong in either place.

I think you're right about it taking 'at least 5 years'. I think I've just been fortunate before (and younger!).

 

Church can often be a good source of social contact, it is for us and I'm sorry yours isn't. I would suggest finding another church where you feel more welcome but that might not be a viable option in a small town. Is there an activity you could get involved with there, toddler group, brownies, choir, making coffee etc? I don't know what floats your boat but it might be a way to get to know a smaller number of people more closely - and you might find they feel the same.

 

We've moved to this one partly because it's more welcoming than the others! I'm about to join the 'welcome' team - a bit ironic, but then at least I'll have a reasonable understanding of what it's like being a new-ishcomer.

 

Good luck with the dog walking idea. Pets are definite ice breakers - we don't have a dog but I've often noticed the way pet owners stop to chat to each other in the park. A friend of mine fosters dogs overnight while their owners go away - maybe you could do this?

I have no pride, I just talk to dogs in the street, whether they're with dog-walker or not.

 

If all else fails, we're always here! <'>

Thank you, it's felt like that. I forgot to mention first time round that DH has just very narrowly missed being redundant, and I've discovered my job contract may well not be renewed in April; think it's easy to underestimate the effect this has on the mood.

 

Sorry, this probably looks as if I'm gatecrashing into your reply - I haven't yet sussed out how to answer to separate bits of posts; RTFM or something like that.

 

Billabong

 

(quotes fixed - K x)

Edited December 17, 2008 by Kathryn

[billabong]

Hm, definitely time to go and look in techie corner ...

[skye]

I know how you feel. I moved here from the states almost 8 years ago. After I quit drinking and had a kid, all of my drinking buddies and so called mates just completely disappeared from my life. That was nearly 6 years ago. I was extremely isolated in a super small village in the northwest of England. A place where you are not even considered a local if you came from 5 miles down the road and lived here for 30 years, so I have no chance of ever being accepted! Luckily I found a light at the end of my tunnel. I started volunteering at a local charity shop for 2 hours a week. The people there were extremely nice and I made a good friend out of it. I am now enrolled on an art course and have a couple of more friends from there. I am really happy now. For a couple of years I felt like I kept trying to make friends but no one really seemed interested. I am in my 30's and it seemed most other women my age already had there group of friends some of which they had known their whole lives. It seemed like once I had a friend and maybe wasn't so needy other people just came into my life. I sure hope that the same thing happens for you and that you meet some really nice people or at least one really good one! Too bad you don't live in my neck of the woods, we could "do lunch!!"

[billabong]

I know how you feel. I moved here from the states almost 8 years ago. After I quit drinking and had a kid, all of my drinking buddies and so called mates just completely disappeared from my life. That was nearly 6 years ago. I was extremely isolated in a super small village in the northwest of England. A place where you are not even considered a local if you came from 5 miles down the road and lived here for 30 years, so I have no chance of ever being accepted! Luckily I found a light at the end of my tunnel. I started volunteering at a local charity shop for 2 hours a week. The people there were extremely nice and I made a good friend out of it. I am now enrolled on an art course and have a couple of more friends from there. I am really happy now. For a couple of years I felt like I kept trying to make friends but no one really seemed interested. I am in my 30's and it seemed most other women my age already had there group of friends some of which they had known their whole lives. It seemed like once I had a friend and maybe wasn't so needy other people just came into my life. I sure hope that the same thing happens for you and that you meet some really nice people or at least one really good one! Too bad you don't live in my neck of the woods, we could "do lunch!!"

 

Thanks for the support, Skye. How about a 'virtual' lunch one day? I've just made some Christmas biscuits so thought I could post one for you in the meantime. They're all shapes except bunnies (I keep those for Easter)

 

I must admit that it was easier to get social contact when I wasn't working; for the year or so we were up here, I did 3 lots of voluntary work each week. I know what you mean about not being so needy; I did wonder if the 'be my friend, please, please!' sign was a bit off-putting.

 

Good news over the last week or so has really helped. DH is NOT being made redundant after all (this time); invitation to Christmas tea with the vicar and family - so we can ask 'More tea, vicar?' - AND a friend has invited us to join her family for lunch on Boxing Day. Wow, isn't that a lot of good stuff in one go? And I've been baking the Christmas and animal biscuits for a new family at church who've just moved into the area, so I can be the welcomer rather than the welcomed.

 

I've been really brave/mad and invited neighbours round for an hour one evening soon; do you know I'm hoping no-one can make it? Big scaredy-cat!

 

Thanks again,

 

Billabong

 

 

[Clare63]

Hi Billabong,

 

Oooooh do go with the dog walking idea. I have made lots of very good friends doing that, all sorts of different people and brought together with a common interest the love of dogs. Several of us went out for a meal last week, we have also been to the theatre and grouped together to do quiz nights. I even got offered my job via dog walking, its a great way to network.

 

Good luck

 

Clare x x x

[skye]

Billa,

Hey sounds like things are looking up for you! That's great. I am not sure exactly where you are in the country. A yank bad at geography, gasp, no it isn't true!!! Anyway, I go to Leeds and Manchester on occasion to do shopping etc if you are ever out that way let me know! That goes for anyone else too, Have a great XMAS! Skye

[Michele17]

I agree with Clare63 - do the dog walking thing! I too have met lots of people and have made some friends doing just that! And everyone is always friendly - they say 'Hello' even if you don't have time to stop and chat. I walk my 2 dogs at 5am and believe it or not have made friends at that time of the morning!!

I know how hard a move can be - I got married on a Saturday, moved to Spain the next day and started my new job on the Tuesday!! Mega stress!!!! I was VERY lonely for ages but very slowly made a couple of friends. Hang on in there - 2 friends are better then none!

[billabong]

Billa,

Hey sounds like things are looking up for you! That's great. I am not sure exactly where you are in the country. A yank bad at geography, gasp, no it isn't true!!! Anyway, I go to Leeds and Manchester on occasion to do shopping etc if you are ever out that way let me know! That goes for anyone else too, Have a great XMAS! Skye

Thank you! My part of County Durham is about 1h20m from Leeds, probably much less by train, so maybe I can get my act together and meet up some day. There was also 'talk' of a meet-up in York before Christmas for some forum members although it didn't go ahead. Maybe some of us newbies could join in?

 

Billabong

[billabong]

Thanks for latest posts re dog-walking. We stayed a couple of nights this week with friends who had a very, very cute Cocker/Springer Spaniel pup - I fell in love with it. Will ask around for dogs to be walked. We're planning on being adopted by young cats soon, which will also help.

 

Re living abroad, Michele - I can empathise with you, been there, done that, even more lonely than 'up here' and stays that way for longer. I'm surprised you didn't fall off the stress ladder.

 

Happy New Year!

 

Billabong

[skye]

A meet up does sound good to me. It would be a nice day out when the weather gets better. I would be happy to go most places in the north of England. We travel by train so could get out to York or over to Blackpool or something Manchester, Leeds, Skipton etc. Maybe one day we could meet up at Leeds for the day. There are lots of cool museums like the Royal Armory there. It takes me an hour on the train so not too bad.